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|Original Air Date:||August 21, 1998|
|Guest Star:||Greta Van Susteren|
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(Opening titles with snappy "Mork & Mindy"-type theme music and credits:)
Attorney at Law
(Space Ghost on the studio set)
Space Ghost: Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. (invisos to desk with peppy transition music) On my show tonight, w-- wait a minute, what's this? (picks up piece of paper on his desk) (reads it in low voice) "Tad Eustus Ghostal, this is to inform you that you are the winner of one super deluxe king-sized lawsuit." Lawsuit?! (spews water on camera lens; audience laughter) But who would want to sue lovable me?
Dr. Nightmare: (appears on monitor, laughing)
Space Ghost: Jack Lord! It's Doctor Nightmare, my arch-enemy!
Dr. Nightmare: That's Dr. Nightmare, Attorney at Law, Mr. Fat Boy. I got my degree at space prison after you unjustly sent me up the galactic river!
Space Ghost: Unjustly? You vibro-shocked three galaxies out of existence! You stole fizzy-lifting drinks! And then you tried to steal my brain!
Zorak: Petty larceny.
Space Ghost: D'ya mind, Zorak? I'm getting sued here.
Zorak: I don't mind. Go ahead and get sued. See if I care.
Dr. Nightmare: Hey, this is serious, Ghostal. My clients are prepared to sue the unitard offa you!
Space Ghost: Clients, my asteroid. This is obviously just another one of your stupid supervillain plots.
Dr. Nightmare: Oh yeah, weisenheimer? I got your clients right here. (monitor transitions to Jan and Jace)
Space Ghost: (stares, with no recognition) The Wonder Twins?
Jace: You jerk, Tad, it's us, Jan and Jace.
Space Ghost: Oh, you two. Eh, figures.
Jan: We told you if you didn't return our calls you'd hear from our lawyer. And our lawyer is Dr. Nightmare.
Dr. Nightmare: Attorney at Law.
Jace: You owe us, Tad. We aren't seeing a dime from those reruns.
Space Ghost: You signed the contracts, nobody forced you. Much.
Jan: We were just kids, Tad. What were you thinking, taking children into space to fight crime? Exposing us to interstellar gases, laser rays, and unearthly atmospheres which stunted our growth?
Jace: Look at us, we're still teenagers! I'm stuck in a perpetual prepubescence, and it's all your fault!
Jan: So we're suing you, for back wages, and damages stemming from emotional distress, mental cruelty, and, for preventing us from receiving the schooling which might have provided us with a future! (breaks down and cries with Jace)
Moltar: (in control room) (cries)
Zorak: Aw, those poor kids.
Jace: I, I'm sorry Dr. Nightmare.
Jan: Attorney at Law.
Dr. Nightmare: It's all right, son. Now wipe your nose, you're on television.
Jace: I'll wipe Space Ghost's...
Dr. Nightmare: Gentlemen! Please! You can fight like itsy bitsy babies later. (clears throat) Right now we have adult name calling and mud-slinging to attend to.
Space Ghost: (clears throat) Should I start?
Dr. Nightmare: Oh, by all means.
Space Ghost: (takes deep breath) Shyster!
Dr. Nightmare: Poltroon!
Space Ghost: Ambulence chaser!
Dr. Nightmare: No talent Hanna-Barbarian!
Jace: Big meanie!
Zorak: Knish eater!
Moltar: Uh.. mumbly peg!
Space Ghost: Why's that monkey have to be here anyway?
Dr. Nightmare: Oh, I forgot to tell ya, the monkey's suing ya too. Cruelty to animals or something.
Blip: (screeches and screeches in background)
Space Ghost: Stupid chimp! Smelly eater of filth! (blasts Blip)
Jace: You creep! Blip's not dirty, I take him into the shower myself to clean his...
Space Ghost: Alright, that's enough, joke's over.
Dr. Nightmare: This ain't no joke, Ghostal. I got clients besides the kids and the hairball linin' up to sue the powerbands off ya. Ya ever hear of Cameron Diaz? Flip Orley? Sean Medlock? The Hoover Dam?
Space Ghost: I... don't know what you're talking about.
Dr. Nightmare: Does France ring a bell at all?
Space Ghost: I never touched France!
Zorak: Sure you did! You blew it up!
Space Ghost: Oh well, maybe I did. C'est la vie.
Dr. Nightmare: Look, Ghostal, my midgety clients here would like to settle this lawsuit if you'll be willing to, say, rehire them for your talkshow. Is it a deal?
Space Ghost: Ih! No can do, Dr. Nightmare!
Zorak: Attorney at Law.
Space Ghost: I've already got two cute useless sidekicks.
Moltar: I'm not useless!
Zorak: I'm not cute.
Brak: I'm not Rappaport.
Dr. Nightmare: Well, if you won't settle, then I'm forced to sue you for thirty-two million dollars, plus expenses, and a play toy for the chimp.
Zorak: Whoa! I want in on that lawsuit!
Dr. Nightmare: Okay, sure there, Zorak, on what grounds would you like to sue, you know, Mr. Big Fat Body over there?
Zorak: Uh, mental cruelty, (cash register sound) physical cruelty, (cash register sound) defamation of cartoon character, (cash register sound)
Space Ghost: You rotten kids! This is all your fault! I owe you nothing! Without me you'd be on the Herculoids planet following Gleep and Gloop with brooms! And you two are no longer friends of mine! I'm tellin' that fat geekanerd who does my web page to officially list you two ingrates as enemies from now on.
Dr. Nightmare: I've heard enough, Ghostal, I'm gonna work you over in court like hobos into steaks.
Jace: Yeah! You haven't got a ghost of a chance, Tad!
Jan: Ah, good one, Jace!
Space Ghost: (mocking) Eh, good one, Jace! (sputtering) (Dr. Nightmare's image fades from monitor) Oh boy, the Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle.
Zorak: You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once.
Space Ghost: That's nice. I'm gonna get my own big-shot lawyer and fight fire with napalm. Moltar, phone book, lawyer, extrapolate!
Moltar: Napalm. Ah, to be young again. (throws lever, phone book appears on control room monitor, sound of phone dialing, then ringing, and answer)
Operator: Your call is being connected with the next available high-priced lawyer. Please stay on the line. (carnival music)
Space Ghost: Perry Mason, please.
Moltar: Matlock! Matlock!
Space Ghost: Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry.
Moltar: (long pause) Quincy's not a lawyer!
Zorak: He's better than a lawyer! He's a coroner!
Space Ghost: Oooh, mama, am I nervous! Sweatin' like a Trekkie! (sniff!) I smell like Oil of Olestra.
(Alarm sounds, Greta appears on monitor)
Greta Van Susteren: Ooh, my special jacket.
Space Ghost: (whistles) How about that!
Greta Van Susteren: Man...
Space Ghost: Hi, Miss...
Greta Van Susteren: Greta Van Susteren, lawyer.
Space Ghost: Space Ghost, intergalactic dreamboat. (blinks, with Zorak blink sound)
Zorak: Hey! That's my sound effect! I'm suin'!
Moltar: Me too! I don't have any lines in this show!
Space Ghost: You see, Greta, I'm having some legal problems, and...
Greta Van Susteren: Like what, Space Ghost, maybe I can help you.
Space Ghost: Well, it's like this. I used to have these sidekicks, Jan and Jace.
Greta Van Susteren: Who?
Space Ghost: And, well, they hired my old arch-enemy, Dr. Nightmare..
Zorak: Attorney at Law.
Space Ghost: .. to sue me.
Greta Van Susteren: Oh dear, for what?
Space Ghost: Oh, stupid stuff. They say I endangered their lives, stunted their emotional and physical development, ripped them off. You know, stupid kid stuff.
Greta Van Susteren: Well, how many years has this been pending, Space Ghost, and how much do you own them?
Space Ghost: Well, I don't know. Thirty-two million?
Greta Van Susteren: That's a lot, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Yeah, well, y'see, the thing is, they were young when they worked for me.
Greta Van Susteren: But see, you've now just admitted that you had employed them, now what are you gonna do, Space Ghost? That was a trick, I asked you how long you had employed them, and when they worked for you, and you admitted it.
Space Ghost: I don't know... Greta, be nice. Aren't you supposed to defend me?
Greta Van Susteren: I'll defend you.
Space Ghost: Okay, where do we start?
Greta Van Susteren: Cash up front, no credit cards, just cash up front.
Dr. Nightmare: (appears on monitor next to Greta, split screen mode) I'd reconsider that, babe. I just uncovered some damaging evidence against big boy there. Roll that film, Molter.
Moltar: (throws lever)
(Old scratchy 'Space Ghost' cartoon film clip plays on monitor)
Jan: Please, Space Ghost, don't make us fight Tyranor and his space piranhas!
Jace: My lungs just healed from the beating Metallus gave us.
Blip: (whimpers with head bandages)
Space Ghost: You little wimps make me sick! Do you want to go back to the home? Is that it? Huh?!
Jace: (sniff) No.
Space Ghost: Well then, stop sniveling and go capture Tyranor! I'll... catch up with you later. I'm, uh, gonna go get a quesadilla.
(Shot of Jan & Jace's ship approaching Tyranor)
Jan: Jace! Look out!
(Jan and Jace scream as Tyrenor crumples their ship like a soda can)
Space Ghost: You losers! No dinner for you tonight!
(Film clip ends)
Dr. Nightmare: And don't think I forgot about Paris! I got that on tape too!
Greta Van Susteren: You're kidding!
Space Ghost: No, he, uh... I, kind of zapped...
Greta Van Susteren: What, did you zap Paris?
Space Ghost: Oh, you know, they bugged me, with, with their Frenchness.
Greta Van Susteren: Well, maybe, Space Ghost, maybe you have a little problem.
Space Ghost: What do you mean?
Greta Van Susteren: Well, it seems like you're provoking these lawsuits.
Space Ghost: Does that mean I'm in trouble?
Greta Van Susteren: Yeah, I think you are in a lot of trouble.
Space Ghost: Oh boy, oh boy.
Greta Van Susteren: And I just think it's hopeless for you. I think it's absolutely hopeless. I don't think anything's going to help you.
Space Ghost: (distraught) Come on, think of something!
Greta Van Susteren: I, you know what, we may be able to work a little deal out, Space Ghost, to help both of us.
Space Ghost: You think so?
Dr. Nightmare: I'm listening.
Greta Van Susteren: Well, could Dr. Nightmare come, uh, tomorrow?
Dr. Nightmare: Sure thing, babe. Maybe we could work something out over dinner, what do you say?
Jace: No deals! We want our money!
Space Ghost: Come on, kids, can't we all just get along?
Dr. Nightmare: You know, I've been in jail.
Greta Van Susteren: Really?
Dr. Nightmare: For stealing a brain.
Greta Van Susteren: For stealing a brain?
Dr. Nightmare: Yeah, it was Space Ghost's brain.
Greta Van Susteren: You really shouldn't steal someone's brain.
Dr. Nightmare: I suppose, but I kept part of it.
Jace: Tad, you pay up, or I'll tell everybody what you did to Dino Boy.
Space Ghost: Prepare for a blast from my spank ray.
Dr. Nightmare: Don't you address my pimply client that way!
Jan: You tell him, Dr. Nightmare!
Space Ghost: Greta! Legal advice! Now!
Greta Van Susteren: I don't know, you're Space Ghost, can't you do anything?
Space Ghost: I could plead the fifth!
Zorak: If you can count that high.
Greta Van Susteren: I think you have a problem, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Look, Greta, we both work for Turner.
Dr. Nightmare: Whoa, hold on second. (four kinds of dramatic sting music, followed by whimsical music) Turner? You mean, Ted Turner?
Jace: Is there a problem, Dr. Nightmare?
All: Attorney at Law.
Dr. Nightmare: You bet there's a problem. You see, Ted Turner.. is my father. (whimsical music again) Sorry, kids, but you're on your own. I'll fax you my bill. See you later.
Jan: This is all your fault, Jace. We could have listened to Harvey and been Birdboy and Birdgirl, but noooo, you had to have inviso power! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Jace: Jan! (his voice is breaking) Jan! Get a grip on... (clears throat) .. on yourself!
Space Ghost: What was that?
Jace: (with deeper voice) I've hit puberty! Yippee! Sorry, Jan, I gotta go. I've got.. things to do.
Jan: Oh well, that's that, guess I can always write a tell-all about my brilliant career with Space Jerk.
Greta Van Susteren: It sounds like you're home free again, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: (drum beat & disco music begins in background) And now that I've beaten the legal system to a bloody lifeless pulp, it's your turn!
Zorak: Uh oh.
Space Ghost: Sue me, will you?
Zorak: Moltar! Help me!
Moltar: (dials 911 on his monitor)
Operator: Please state your emergency.
Moltar: Eh, I'd like to report a felony in progress.
(Credits roll, to tune of cheesy old commerical music)
Space Ghost: (behind bars, on Moltar's monitor) Moltar, you fink!
Moltar: (laughs) (coughs)
Dr. Nightmare: (clears throat)
Greta Van Susteren
C. Martin Croker
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
|INK & PAINT|
Michelle A. Long
Lisa D. Ellis
|ORIGINAL SPACE GHOST DESIGN|
© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.
Click here to view the episode on the Adult Swim site.
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