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Original Air Date:May 12, 1994
Guest Stars:Bill Carter, Joe Franklin
Synopsis:Space Ghost welcomes two talk-show experts, Bill Carter and Joe Franklin. Carter, author of "The Late Shift," explains why Space Ghost was excluded from the book. Franklin, the world's first TV talk show host, gives him a few pointers. Moltar introduces his fascination with the television series "CHiPs," a theme that will resurface again and again.

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Opening rolls with "CHiPs" theme music in background)

Moltar: (watching opening on control room monitor; laughs, throws lever. Space Ghost invisos in on set)

Space Ghost: Hi, I am Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. (waves) (subtitle: SPACE GHOST PONCHERELLO)

Zorak: (playing keyboard) (subtitle: ZORAK PONCHERELLO)

Moltar: (mumbling) yeah, Space Ghost... (throws lever, monitor switches to "CHiPs") Cool... "CHiPs".

Space Ghost: Joining me tonight... author Bill Carter, originator of the talk show, Joe Franklin, AND, talk show legend, Johnny Carson! Please say hello to the band, Zorak and the... (looks over at Zorak, who is hanging from the studio ceiling, upside down...) Zorak!

Zorak: What!

Space Ghost: Get down from there!

Zorak: From where?

Space Ghost: From the ceiling!

Zorak: No.

Space Ghost: (talking between clenched teeth) Zorak, you get down from that ceiling and play me to the desk!

Zorak: No. (Space Ghost aims his powerband to shoot)

Zorak: Ahh, this isn't fun anymore... (comes back down, Way Outs start to play)

Space Ghost: Baby. (aside) Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield? (aloud) Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first, no, pfft - Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first known battle for the night, please welcome Bill Carter!

(Way Outs play, monitor lowers with Bill Carter)

Bill Carter: Okay, let's go.

Space Ghost: Welcome Citizen Bill, how are you?

Bill Carter: Oh, very good, how are you?

Space Ghost: Uh huh!

Bill Carter: (pause) Right.

Space Ghost: And the name of your book is...

Bill Carter: "The Late Shift."

Space Ghost: Give us the name in its entirety!

Bill Carter: (laughs) "The Late Shift, Letterman, Leno and the Network Battle for the Night". See, I've got it memorized.

Space Ghost: I see. Bill, I'm part of the late night talk show war, why wasn't I included in your book?

Bill Carter: (his head changed to Gilligan, then morphs back to Bill) You hadn't gotten your show yet.

Space Ghost: (sings a ditty)

Bill Carter: But, you know, maybe when we get to the paperback you'll be a hit.

Zorak: (evil laugh) Good one, Bill! (laughs)

Bill Carter: That, that was a good one! (laughs)

Space Ghost: Bill, in your book you reference eleven... (waits until Bill and Zorak stop laughing) I said, you reference eleven-thirty. What type of weapon is that, and why is it so desirable?

Bill Carter: It's, uh, it's a very, uh, profit-making weapon, it makes a lot of money for anyone who owns it.

Space Ghost: I see. (long pause) You know, I don't remember Letterman or Leno as super-heroes, but I do remember Conan!

Bill Carter: Yeah, he was a, he was a very powerful super hero himself...

Space Ghost: He had wit and muscle.

Bill Carter: ... unfortunately that hasn't translated quite as well to television.

Space Ghost: His chest size does look diminished.

Bill Carter: Mmm hm.

Space Ghost: You know, Bill, I could lift the Empire State Building if I wanted!

Bill Carter: That is a feat, now if you put that on television you're gonna get ratings.

Space Ghost: I wish I had a dollar for every time people have told me that. When do you wish for a dollar?

Bill Carter: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked 'why is late night important?'

Space Ghost: So, if you've been asked that say twelve times, then you'd have uh...

Bill Carter: I don't know...

Space Ghost: Let's see....that's one dollar at twelve times... about NINETY THREE DOLLARS!

Bill Carter: Yeah...

Space Ghost: That's a lotta dough.

Bill Carter: Yeah, that gives you a lot of power.

Space Ghost: Speaking of power, Johnny Carson's here tonight... (quietly) You don't think he wants my show, do you?

Bill Carter: He, uh, I think he's enjoying his retirement.

Space Ghost: Oh yeah, yeah, me too. Say Bill, how do you like my show so far?

Bill Carter: Uh, I think probably Jay gives a better monologue.

Space Ghost: What's a monologue?

Bill Carter: It's uh...

Zorak: (cutting in) It's uh, the part of the show where the host sets you free...

Space Ghost: Are you sure, Zorak?

Zorak: (wearing a black wig) What I lie to you, sugar?

Space Ghost: Of course you would. Hey Bill, look at Zorak. Have you ever seen evil so personified as you do in his skeletal shell?

Bill Carter: That's his strength.

Space Ghost: I could break his stick-body in half if I wanted to. (aside, to camera) And I want to...

Bill Carter: ... it looks, looks sort of bony.

Space Ghost: Locusts have hollow bones.

Bill Carter: Well, there was a point in time when there was some question about him being on television because an executive said his face scared small children...

Space Ghost: No kidding. Before you go Bill, do you have any words of wisdom to tell us?

Bill Carter: I'm not a small child.

Space Ghost: There you have it! He's not a small child. Thanks for being with us, Bill!

Bill Carter: Thanks, I hope that was what you wanted...

Space Ghost: My next guest is recently retired from...

Zorak: (wearing a red wig) Space Ghost, Bill is still here.

Space Ghost: Zorak! What's that thing on your head!?

Zorak: It's my wig!

Space Ghost: Well, take it off!

Bill Carter: Where's the funny part come in?

Space Ghost: Need a coin for the bus Bill?

Bill Carter: I'm gonna be taking a subway. (laughs)

(Moltar is watching "CHiPs" in control room on monitor, while following is written across screen:)

GALAXY 5 125 W:
AUDIO 6:2/68
FULLY 12:45:34
15 IPS

(A hearse barrels down the road, turns a sharp corner and the casket falls out the back onto the road, and a woman screams)

Moltar: (laughs)

Space Ghost: My next guest has recently retired from the Late Night Battle... please welcome Joe Franklin!

(Way Outs play, Joe Franklin appears on the monitor)

Joe Franklin: Is this the rehearsal, or we taping?

Space Ghost: Citizen Joe, we're thrilled to have you on!

Joe Franklin: Pleasure!

Space Ghost: Planet.

Joe Franklin: Gooey.

Space Ghost: Deer Tick.

Joe Franklin: Who knows.

Space Ghost: Tell us what's in your pocket.

Joe Franklin: I've got my, uh, oxygen pen...

Space Ghost: Yeah, whatever. So when were you born?

Joe Franklin: I was born at a very early age.

Space Ghost: You've written millions of books and you were television's first talk show host. How did it all begin?

Joe Franklin: When I was born, something horrible happened; I lived.

Space Ghost: Awwww!

Joe Franklin: And then what I did was decide to become a talk show host. I was 17, I figured I would try it for about 6 months, and, uh, that was 43 and a half years ago.

Space Ghost: Forty-three years in the business, you must have talked to a lot of people.

Joe Franklin: Well, for the sake of accuracy, over three hundred thousand.

Space Ghost: What advice can you give me?

Joe Franklin: The, uh, main function is to get the plug out of the way first.

Space Ghost: You wanna plug something, don't you Joe?

Joe Franklin: (nodding) Yeah, I think so.

Space Ghost: Go ahead.

Joe Franklin: I'm uh, doing a lot of radio, I'm on WOR all night, I'm doing the "Memory Lane" show, I'm on a very popular news station called WBBR...

Space Ghost: We have to do a commercial, Joe. (Way Outs start to play)

Joe Franklin: ... Bloomberg radio I do nostalgic news all day along and...

Space Ghost: We have to do a commercial, Joe!

Joe Franklin: ... I'm their movie critic and drama critic, and uh, I've got a publicly...

Zorak: We will be right back.



Moltar: We now return to, hmmm, whatever.

Joe Franklin: (still plugging) my new book's now in its third printing, because the first two printings were booked, and I am doing... (keeps talking in background)

Space Ghost: Alrighty! Hey Zorak, is that a new wig?

Zorak: (wearing a gold wig) What wig?

Space Ghost: That wig!

Moltar: (watching a "CHiPs" van crash)


Ken: (on screen) It's, it's Ken, the satellite guy. I've got Johnny Carson standing by on Star Feed... fourteen.

Moltar: (annoyed by interruption) Thanks. (switches back to "CHiPs"; a man is in an overturned van, surrounded by snakes, screaming "Help me, get me out please!")

Moltar: (laughs)

Space Ghost: Tell us, Joe...

Zorak: Did you have a band?

Joe Franklin: Well, I had a band once, it was a band of two people, a drummer...

Zorak: (to Space Ghost) Baby.

Joe Franklin: ... and a pianist. And the trouble was that the pianist kept running into the control room to always hear how the band sounded.

Zorak: Indeed.

Joe Franklin: You know, Barbra Streisand was my singer.

Zorak: Oh, that sound like fun.

Space Ghost: Joe, who was your favorite guest ever?

Joe Franklin: I would say Bing Crosby.

Space Ghost: Wasn't he an android?

Joe Franklin: I always thought of Bing being, you know, what you would say, mechanically reproduced. I always thought of Bing Crosby...

Space Ghost: Joe, you're Mr. Talk Show, you started all of this... cough up some tips.

Joe Franklin: Number one, main ingredient as I've said before is sincerity...

Space Ghost: Mmmm hmmm.

Joe Franklin: ... and once you learn to fake that... then you've got it made.

Space Ghost: (dripping with fake sincerity) Thank you Joe, for what is without a doubt our best interview yet.

Joe Franklin: Boy, you're a great host, you're a great interviewer, you really are a fantastic...

Space Ghost: Look Joe, we have to run... any final thoughts?

Joe Franklin: It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.

Space Ghost: No, I mean something that we can use.

Joe Franklin: On that promissory note... (laughs)

Space Ghost: Joe Franklin, he's a, uh, what are you, Joe?

Joe Franklin: TV Legend.

Space Ghost: TV Legend. Speaking of legends, it's my great honor to say, Heeeeeere's Johnny! (drum roll; a multitude of things flash by on the studio monitor, including a placard reading "The Wild Wild Planet")

Moltar: (watching another "ChiPs" scene, a woman running down a road, screaming for help) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Get to the wreck!

Space Ghost: (clears throat; title screen from "Man from U.N.C.L.E" flashes by on the studio monitor) Heeeeeere's Johnny!

Moltar: C'mon wreck! Wreck! WRECK!

Space Ghost: I said, HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! (a shot of someone in bunny slippers and several people in white helmets flash by on studio monitor)

Moltar: Where's the feed? (switches to Banana Splits sock puppet - "Bow, bow bow, bow bow bow bow bow bow!") No! (Switching more - The Dilly Girls sing, The sock puppet sings, Rosebud, Gone with the Wind, 2001, Forbidden Planet, no Johnny.) Where's the feed? Where's the feed?!

Space Ghost: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Moltar: (switching furiously) Johnny? Johnny? (Last switch, Randy floats in space, Moltar is frustrated) Whatever. (sends Randy through to Space Ghost)

(Randy is on the monitor. Only the ambiance of Deep Space and Randy wiggling his deadly pincers.)

Space Ghost: (staring at screen) Greetings Johnny! Boy, it's a gr... You have pincers!

Randy: Yes.

Space Ghost: So, how's Ed and Doc?

Randy: Fine, fine, fine...

Space Ghost: (doubtfully) Noooo kidding. (looks at Randy) You're not Johnny Carson, are you?

Randy: Yes.

Space Ghost: Really?

Randy: Uh, no.

Space Ghost: Okay.

(Credits roll)

Space Ghost: Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

Michael Lazzo
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Andy Merrill
Khaki Jones
Michael Cahill
Tom Roche
Jeff Doud
C. Martin Croker
Nat Zimmerman
Andrea Mansour
Ran Coney
Susan Detrie
Frederike Gravenstein
Rob Jameson
Ed Jones
Alan Newsome
C. Martin Croker
Jack Maloney
Bill White
Randy Horenstein
Greg Crawford
Rob Sanders
Dave Wilson
Roy Clements
Leah Alford
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Eddie Horst
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Justin Ashforth
Jeff Barron
Dave Dubiel
Michael Ivey
Michael Pitts
Alex Toth
Ken Chamberlain
Dave Farmer
Margo de la Cruz
Michael Tew
Original Way Outs
the genius of
Sonny Sharrock

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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