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Original Air Date:May 12, 1994
Guest Stars:Bill Carter, Joe Franklin
Synopsis:Space Ghost welcomes two talk-show experts, Bill Carter and Joe Franklin. Carter, author of "The Late Shift," explains why Space Ghost was excluded from the book. Franklin, the world's first TV talk show host, gives him a few pointers. Moltar introduces his fascination with the television series "CHiPs," a theme that will resurface again and again.

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Opening rolls with "CHiPs" theme music in background)
Moltar (M): (watching opening on control room monitor; laughs, throws lever. Space Ghost invisos in on set)
Space Ghost (SG): Hi, I am Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. (waves) (subtitle: SPACE GHOST PONCHERELLO)
Zorak (Z): (playing keyboard) (subtitle: ZORAK PONCHERELLO)
M: (mumbling) yeah, Space Ghost... (throws lever, monitor switches to "CHiPs") Cool... "CHiPs".
SG: Joining me tonight... author Bill Carter, originator of the talk show, Joe Franklin, AND, talk show legend, Johnny Carson! Please say hello to the band, Zorak and the... (looks over at Zorak, who is hanging from the studio ceiling, upside down...) Zorak!
Z: What!
SG: Get down from there!
Z: From where?
SG: From the ceiling!
Z: No.
SG: (talking between clenched teeth) Zorak, you get down from that ceiling and play me to the desk!
Z: No. (Space Ghost aims his powerband to shoot)
Z: Ahh, this isn't fun anymore... (comes back down, Way Outs start to play)
SG: Baby. (aside) Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield? (aloud) Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first, no, pfft - Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first known battle for the night, please welcome Bill Carter!
(Way Outs play, monitor lowers with Bill Carter)
Bill Carter (BC): Okay, let's go.
SG: Welcome Citizen Bill, how are you?
BC: Oh, very good, how are you?
SG: Uh huh!
BC: (pause) Right.
SG: And the name of your book is...
BC: "The Late Shift."
SG: Give us the name in its entirety!
BC: (laughs) "The Late Shift, Letterman, Leno and the Network Battle for the Night". See, I've got it memorized.
SG: I see. Bill, I'm part of the late night talk show war, why wasn't I included in your book?
BC: (his head changed to Gilligan, then morphs back to Bill) You hadn't gotten your show yet.
SG: (sings a ditty)
BC: But, you know, maybe when we get to the paperback you'll be a hit.
Z: (evil laugh) Good one, Bill! (laughs)
BC: That, that was a good one! (laughs)
SG: Bill, in your book you reference eleven... (waits until Bill and Zorak stop laughing) I said, you reference eleven-thirty. What type of weapon is that, and why is it so desirable?
BC: It's, uh, it's a very, uh, profit-making weapon, it makes a lot of money for anyone who owns it.
SG: I see. (long pause) You know, I don't remember Letterman or Leno as super-heroes, but I do remember Conan!
BC: Yeah, he was a, he was a very powerful super hero himself...
SG: He had wit and muscle.
BC: ... unfortunately that hasn't translated quite as well to television.
SG: His chest size does look diminished.
BC: Mmm hm.
SG: You know, Bill, I could lift the Empire State Building if I wanted!
BC: That is a feat, now if you put that on television you're gonna get ratings.
SG: I wish I had a dollar for every time people have told me that. When do you wish for a dollar?
BC: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked 'why is late night important?'
SG: So, if you've been asked that say twelve times, then you'd have uh...
BC: I don't know...
SG: Let's see....that's one dollar at twelve times... about NINETY THREE DOLLARS!
BC: Yeah...
SG: That's a lotta dough.
BC: Yeah, that gives you a lot of power.
SG: Speaking of power, Johnny Carson's here tonight... (quietly) You don't think he wants my show, do you?
BC: He, uh, I think he's enjoying his retirement.
SG: Oh yeah, yeah, me too. Say Bill, how do you like my show so far?
BC: Uh, I think probably Jay gives a better monologue.
SG: What's a monologue?
BC: It's uh...
Z: (cutting in) It's uh, the part of the show where the host sets you free...
SG: Are you sure, Zorak?
Z: (wearing a black wig) What I lie to you, sugar?
SG: Of course you would. Hey Bill, look at Zorak. Have you ever seen evil so personified as you do in his skeletal shell?
BC: That's his strength.
SG: I could break his stick-body in half if I wanted to. (aside, to camera) And I want to...
BC: ... it looks, looks sort of bony.
SG: Locusts have hollow bones.
BC: Well, there was a point in time when there was some question about him being on television because an executive said his face scared small children...
SG: No kidding. Before you go Bill, do you have any words of wisdom to tell us?
BC: I'm not a small child.
SG: There you have it! He's not a small child. Thanks for being with us, Bill!
BC: Thanks, I hope that was what you wanted...
SG: My next guest is recently retired from...
Z: (wearing a red wig) Space Ghost, Bill is still here.
SG: Zorak! What's that thing on your head!?
Z: It's my wig!
SG: Well, take it off!
BC: Where's the funny part come in?
SG: Need a coin for the bus Bill?
BC: I'm gonna be taking a subway. (laughs)
(Moltar is watching "CHiPs" in control room on monitor, while following is written across screen:)
GALAXY 5 125 W:
AUDIO 6:2/68
FULLY 12:45:34
15 IPS

(A hearse barrels down the road, turns a sharp corner and the casket falls out the back onto the road, and a woman screams)
M: (laughs)
SG: My next guest has recently retired from the Late Night Battle... please welcome Joe Franklin!
(Way Outs play, Joe Franklin appears on the monitor)
Joe Franklin (JF): Is this the rehearsal, or we taping?
SG: Citizen Joe, we're thrilled to have you on!
JF: Pleasure!
SG: Planet.
JF: Gooey.
SG: Deer Tick.
JF: Who knows.
SG: Tell us what's in your pocket.
JF: I've got my, uh, oxygen pen...
SG: Yeah, whatever. So when were you born?
JF: I was born at a very early age.
SG: You've written millions of books and you were television's first talk show host. How did it all begin?
JF: When I was born, something horrible happened; I lived.
SG: Awwww!
JF: And then what I did was decide to become a talk show host. I was 17, I figured I would try it for about 6 months, and, uh, that was 43 and a half years ago.
SG: Forty-three years in the business, you must have talked to a lot of people.
JF: Well, for the sake of accuracy, over three hundred thousand.
SG: What advice can you give me?
JF: The, uh, main function is to get the plug out of the way first.
SG: You wanna plug something, don't you Joe?
JF: (nodding) Yeah, I think so.
SG: Go ahead.
JF: I'm uh, doing a lot of radio, I'm on WOR all night, I'm doing the "Memory Lane" show, I'm on a very popular news station called WBBR...
SG: We have to do a commercial, Joe. (Way Outs start to play)
JF: ... Bloomberg radio I do nostalgic news all day along and...
SG: We have to do a commercial, Joe!
JF: ... I'm their movie critic and drama critic, and uh, I've got a publicly...
Z: We will be right back.
M: We now return to, hmmm, whatever.
JF: (still plugging) my new book's now in its third printing, because the first two printings were booked, and I am doing... (keeps talking in background)
SG: Alrighty! Hey Zorak, is that a new wig?
Z: (wearing a gold wig) What wig?
SG: That wig!
M: (watching a "CHiPs" van crash)
Ken (K): (on screen) It's, it's Ken, the satellite guy. I've got Johnny Carson standing by on Star Feed... fourteen.
M: (annoyed by interruption) Thanks. (switches back to "CHiPs"; a man is in an overturned van, surrounded by snakes, screaming "Help me, get me out please!")
M: (laughs)
SG: Tell us, Joe...
Z: Did you have a band?
JF: Well, I had a band once, it was a band of two people, a drummer...
Z: (to Space Ghost) Baby.
JF: ... and a pianist. And the trouble was that the pianist kept running into the control room to always hear how the band sounded.
Z: Indeed.
JF: You know, Barbra Streisand was my singer.
Z: Oh, that sound like fun.
SG: Joe, who was your favorite guest ever?
JF: I would say Bing Crosby.
SG: Wasn't he an android?
JF: I always thought of Bing being, you know, what you would say, mechanically reproduced. I always thought of Bing Crosby...
SG: Joe, you're Mr. Talk Show, you started all of this... cough up some tips.
JF: Number one, main ingredient as I've said before is sincerity...
SG: Mmmm hmmm.
JF: ... and once you learn to fake that... then you've got it made.
SG: (dripping with fake sincerity) Thank you Joe, for what is without a doubt our best interview yet.
JF: Boy, you're a great host, you're a great interviewer, you really are a fantastic...
SG: Look Joe, we have to run... any final thoughts?
JF: It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
SG: No, I mean something that we can use.
JF: On that promissory note... (laughs)
SG: Joe Franklin, he's a, uh, what are you, Joe?
JF: TV Legend.
SG: TV Legend. Speaking of legends, it's my great honor to say, Heeeeeere's Johnny! (drum roll; a multitude of things flash by on the studio monitor, including a placard reading "The Wild Wild Planet")
M: (watching another "ChiPs" scene, a woman running down a road, screaming for help) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Get to the wreck!
SG: (clears throat; title screen from "Man from U.N.C.L.E" flashes by on the studio monitor) Heeeeeere's Johnny!
M: C'mon wreck! Wreck! WRECK!
SG: I said, HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! (a shot of someone in bunny slippers and several people in white helmets flash by on studio monitor)
M: Where's the feed? (switches to Banana Splits sock puppet - "Bow, bow bow, bow bow bow bow bow bow!") No! (Switching more - The Dilly Girls sing, The sock puppet sings, Rosebud, Gone with the Wind, 2001, Forbidden Planet, no Johnny.) Where's the feed? Where's the feed?!
SG: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
M: (switching furiously) Johnny? Johnny? (Last switch, Randy floats in space, Moltar is frustrated) Whatever. (sends Randy through to Space Ghost)
(Randy is on the monitor. Only the ambiance of Deep Space and Randy wiggling his deadly pincers.)
SG: (staring at screen) Greetings Johnny! Boy, it's a gr... You have pincers!
Randy (R): Yes.
SG: So, how's Ed and Doc?
R: Fine, fine, fine...
SG: (doubtfully) Noooo kidding. (looks at Randy) You're not Johnny Carson, are you?
R: Yes.
SG: Really?
R: Uh, no.
SG: Okay.
(Credits roll)
SG: Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

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Andy Merrill
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Michael Cahill
Tom Roche
Jeff Doud
C. Martin Croker
Nat Zimmerman
Andrea Mansour
Ran Coney
Susan Detrie
Frederike Gravenstein
Rob Jameson
Ed Jones
Alan Newsome
C. Martin Croker
Jack Maloney
Bill White
Randy Horenstein
Greg Crawford
Rob Sanders
Dave Wilson
Roy Clements
Leah Alford
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Eddie Horst
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Justin Ashforth
Jeff Barron
Dave Dubiel
Michael Ivey
Michael Pitts
Alex Toth
Ken Chamberlain
Dave Farmer
Margo de la Cruz
Michael Tew
Original Way Outs
the genius of
Sonny Sharrock

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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