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(Dramatic orchestra hit)

Bobcat Goldthwait (BG):

Yes! Hello, if you are watching us on other planets, I want you to know that... on Earth, I am the leader, I rule! everyone on Earth must follow me! Ha ha ha ha! (aside) Don't tell them the truth, okay, Space Ghost?

(Opening theme music & titles)

Space Ghost (SG):

(invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost, welcome to the show. Joining me tonight, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, and rock and roll citizens The Ramones.

Zorak (Z):

(jamming) Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!

SG:

Zorak is all geeked up about the Ramones being here. (Zorak keeps jamming) That's good, Zorak. (keeps jamming) That's enough Zorak. (keeps jamming) Zorak! (jamming winds down & stops) My first guest (one more note interrupts Space Ghost) ... (taps cards) My first guest is a comedian. He is Bobcat Goldthwait, welcome him! (intro music plays & screen lowers; Zorak's face is on the screen instead of Bobcat)

Z:

(imitating Bobcat) Uh, hi, Space Ghost!

SG:

Aaah!

Z:

(back to normal voice) Your show is lame.

SG:

Are you done, Zorak?

Z:

I'm Bobcat, interview me.

SG:

You're not fooling anyone, Zorak, we know it's you.

Z:

Is this how you treat your guests?

SG:

Moltar!

Z:

Wait!

(Moltar watches Zorak on monitor with the following caption, in mirror image writing:)

Inseca GeniiHelicoptera 2:3.9
Phyl Disgustis 7
Locusta Icky 3.5
Creepy Cra{?}
Weedhopps
Slimi Green {?}
Surplus {?}
LOCUST LINK

Moltar (M):

Sorry, man, boss's orders. (throws lever)

Z:

No! (zaps off screen; new image is infinite regression of Space Ghost's set)

SG:

Hey, it's me, watching me, watching me, watching me!

M:

Simpleton!

SG:

Are you lookin' at me? You must be lookin' at me. There's no one else here... (shoots at screen twice with power bands) (laughs) Alrighty!

M:

Gawd, loser! (throws switch again, Bobcat appears)

SG:

Hello, Bobcat, welcome to the show.

BG:

Hi, Space Ghost, how are you today?

SG:

I'm energized, just like a jittering woodchuck. You know, when they cling to the side of a tree, and their jaws move up and down and up and down over and over really fast gaining speed until its just a blur of vibrating gums and lips (mouth becomes a blur) ... Energized! (more subdued) And, how are you, Bobcat?

BG:

I'm livin' a dream, thanks a lot for having me back on the show.

SG:

We're certainly glad to have you back on the show.

BG:

Although I've never been on the show before, you ...

SG:

Of course you haven't.

BG:

You look pretty good.

SG:

That's because I've been lifting heavy objects.

BG:

Really? Yeah, well, it shows, you look pretty cut, you look pretty buff.

SG:

Well, aren't you sweet? I like you, Bobcat.

BG:

I like you, Space Ghost. I got a question; what's, what's your real name?

SG:

(pause) Uhmmm...

Z:

Tad Ghostal.

SG:

(glares at Zorak)

BG:

Tad Ghostal? Really? Stick with Space Ghost, much cooler.

SG:

(face gets red) Er, I agree.

BG:

Wouldn't really work on the babes too much in a bar...

SG:

I, I agree...

BG:

"Hi, I'm Tad"?

SG:

I realize that! (pause) Zorak's real name is Katy Did.

Z:

(looking surprised) What?

BG:

(laughs) Hi Zorak, how ya doin', pleasure to be on the show.

Z:

Oh no, the pleasure is all mine! (Pathetic Earthling! Your feeble words do not amuse me!)

BG:

Zorak? Do you eat your young?

Z:

(looks surprised) Uh, um...

SG:

Zorak eats anything, young, old, and then some! (Bobcat makes "Zorak" faces while Space Ghost talks) Say, Bobcat is a good name! Tell us, what's your secret identity?

BG:

My secret identity? Like, if you saw me in real life?

SG:

Uh...

Z:

Yeah, like if he saw you in real life.

BG:

Uhhhhh... I.. Joey Lawrence.

SG:

Get out! I've got your album!

BG:

Yeah, girl, you know it's true.

SG:

I hear Blossom hates you.

BG:

Tad!

SG:

Well?

BG:

See, it's an issue right now, and I feel strongly about it.

SG:

You don't look very strong.

BG:

Well, I may look small, but I'm pretty wiry.

SG:

Sorry.

BG:

Space Ghost, I've got a question for you, and this isn't, I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but... do you think I'm pretty?

SG:

(looks back blankly)

BG:

Just like another guy to a guy?

SG:

(pause) Ummm... Yes! I think you're a pretty man.

BG:

Thank you. I think you're kind of handsome too, Space Ghost. Although the locust, hmmm, I dunno.

Z:

(glares at him, "Psycho" music plays)

SG:

Hmmmm, I see what you mean... But on a serious note, Bobcat, how would you stop crime in America?

BG:

I think you wanna stop crime in America, you say a very special episode of "Blossom" where the entire cast gets ball-peen hammers in the knee caps...

SG:

Ooooh...

BG:

I promise you there'll be a half-hour of non-violent America. Because everybody'd be glued to the set. "Hey, they hit Joey Lawrence in the knee cap yet?"

SG:

You think that could work?

BG:

Well, no, not really, perhaps I, I need to loosen my pants.

SG:

Go ahead!

BG:

(looses pants, sound of pressure escaping) Oooo! Man, I feel better already! Wooo!

SG:

You should try spandex!

BG:

Yeah, you know, I'm actually one of the only superheroes that wears leisure suits.

SG:

Speaking of heroes, who are yours?

BG:

Wow! Um, geez, I dunno, I like all the greats, you know, Curly. I think that's what my coif actually looks like, what if Rutger Hauer and Curly Howard pounded out a baby... "Hey, Moe, I'm a replicant! Ne ne ne ne ne!" (makes Stooge hand & face gesture)

SG:

(laughs) (Replicants were the evil creation of Dr. Zin) (aloud) Ahem, let's see, where am I? (mumbles) Oh! Who is your arch enemy?

BG:

John Tesh.

SG:

The composer?

BG:

The whole man. John Tesh scares me.

SG:

Say, do you need any weapons?

BG:

Yeah, what size power band are you?

SG:

Colossal! Why?

BG:

Because I have a, I'm usually like a, a small power band, believe it or not, but I've been retaining a lot of fluids lately, so, probably like a medium power band.

SG:

How about a nice pleated skirt?

BG:

Boy, Space Ghost, you're really switching gears!

SG:

Hey, it's a 15 minute show! And, we have to take a break.

BG:

What's the locust's name again, I'm sorry?

SG:

Zorak.

BG:

Oh, yeah.

SG:

Zorak. I like saying "Zorak".

BG:

Zorak, play me something public domain.

Z:

(plays something from their vast easy listening library)

SG:

We'll be right back after this.

Z:

It appears we will be right back.

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

Z:

Uh, because no one can stop it, the show is back.

(Theme music plays in background)

BG:

Barney's going to make more kids snap than Bugs Bunny.

SG:

Uh huh.

BG:

A kid knows Bugs Bunny's joking around, kids think Barney's for real!

SG:

Uh huh.

BG:

"I love you", you don't love us, Barney, you don't even know us!

SG:

Okay! We're back with Bobcat Goldthwait! I understand that you have special powers.

BG:

Yes. I'm able to, uh, bend forks.

SG:

Wow!

BG:

But only at Denny's. Any other kind of forks I don't seem to be able to bend.

SG:

Wow, now, is this physically or mentally?

BG:

Um, I do it with my mind... but you gotta look away, really, for a little while.

SG:

When I said you were pretty, I meant you remind me of Judy Collins.

BG:

Judy Collins? (laughs) Wow, Space Ghost, man, crack a window, will ya?

SG:

I'd be violently sucked into space.

M:

Heh, then maybe people would tune in.

BG:

Well, I think Moltar's giving us the signal to wrap it up, huh, Space Ghost?

SG:

No, Bobcat, that's just his way of telling us to finish the interview. Join us for dinner after the show?

BG:

Thanks, I'd love to join you for dinner, but I don't know about eating with no gigantic locust. Don't they spit on their food first and then mulch it up and spit it back out?

Z:

That's regurgitational ingestion, flies do it, not locusts.

BG:

Yeah, well that, but you know, that's exactly how I eat, so, perhaps I will dine with you.

SG:

Alrighty! We'll meet you in the chamber after the show. Any parting words?

BG:

Space Ghost, I want to party with you.

SG:

You mean with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats?

BG:

Perhaps, perhaps.

SG:

Alrighty then! My next guests are Zorak's favorite band. Please welcome the Ramones!

BG:

Thanks, man.

(Ramones appear on screen)

Z:

Hey, Joey.

Joey Ramone (JR):

(waves)

SG:

Okay then. Identify yourselves, Ramones.

Johnny Ramone (JR):

Hi, I'm Johnny Ramone.

Marky Ramone (MR):

And I'm Marky Ramone.

JR:

And I'm Joey.

C. J. Ramone (CJR):

And I'm C.J.

Z:

And I'm Zorak Ramone.

M:

And I'm Moltar Ramone.

SG:

(to camera) They're not really Ramones. (to Ramones) Say, fellas, tell us about your new record.

JR:

"Acid Eaters", that's our latest album, it's a cover album of, uh, songs that were recorded in, um, generally around the 1967-68 period of time.

SG:

And it's just now coming out?

Ramones (R):

(all laugh)

SG:

Say, guys, on your third album, "Rocket Fuel", (starts gibbering) whoops, too many Cokes.

R:

(all laugh)

SG:

Ah ha haa! Hey! Tell me about your music.

CJR:

It's snappy.

JR:

It's always meant for rebellious kids.

SG:

Rebellious?

JR:

Uhhh, we're a bunch of punks.

SG:

Hmmm... Well, you just listen to me, you punks, I don't want any trouble from you. This is a good show. This is a clean show. This is a good clean show.

CJR:

You ever get a wedgie in tights? It's not pleasant. (laughs)

SG:

Uhhh...

BG:

(on control room monitor, with Locust text from before, to Moltar) This is going as well as the Letterman-Madonna interview.

M:

Yup.

SG:

Allll right then, you punks, you're musicians, make something up for me.

MR:

Well, how about: "way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way."

SG:

"Way way way"; that's catchy!

JR:

It was subliminal.

MR:

That was, that was the instrumental part.

SG:

Ah!. Uh, do the word part.

MR:

How about: "Space Ghost, Space Ghost, you're the most, from coast to coast..."

SG:

Listen, we have to go. Bobcat invited me to a party, with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats, and you can't come because you're punks and punks don't go to parties. Hey, you guys got a cake!

MR:

It's a nice chocolate vanilla.

JR:

There's plates right there...

SG:

Hey! Where'd you guys get that cake?

(All Ramones are "wearing" paper hats)

MR:

You want a piece of this?

CJR:

Yeah.

SG:

That's my party cake! Where did you guys get my party cake? Who gave them my party cake? I want my party cake! That was specifically definitely for Bobcat and me! Zorak! Did you give them my party cake?

Z:

(with paper hat on & crumbs falling out of mouth) Uh, what party cake?

M:

(with paper hat & cake) Mmmm, chocolate party cake.

(Credits roll. Ghost Planet in credits is wearing a party hat)

MR:

"Way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way. (skip) we-way. (skip) we-way (skip) we-way." (fade out)

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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