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(Setting: St. Peter's Square in Rome, before huge crowd, with Gregorian chanting in background. Space Ghost's voice echoes)

Space Ghost (SG):

Salve, populi! (subtitles: Thanks for attending my magic show.)

SG:

Ego sum! (subtitles: Please exit to the rear of the square.)

SG:

E pluribus unum! (subtitles: That's it, show's over.)

SG:

(coughs) (subtitles: Cough)

Zorak (Z):

Space Ghost! (subtitles: Spiritus Spatium!) (standing on statue) Space Ghost! (subtitles: Spiritus Spatium!)

SG:

Jeepers, my talk show!

(Shot of empty studio on Ghost Planet)

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space)

SG:

(inside, with jazz guitar music in background) No use speeding now, just a few miles to the studio... (hums to himself)

Moltar (M):

(in control room, looks at empty studio in monitor)

SG:

(hums, sighs) Fifteen seconds or so...

Z:

(still standing on statue in St. Peter's Square) Space Ghost? (subtitles: Spiritus Spatium?)

M:

(in control room) (sighs) Better never than late... (pulls lever to start opening theme)

(Opening theme music & titles, interspersed with Phantom Cruiser and jazz guitar music. Phantom Cruiser stops, Space Ghost flies out)

SG:

(invisos in to set) Salve, populi. Ego sum (Must stop speaking Latin!) Hi. I'm Space Ghost! On this show we've got a pair of people with yellow hair and a pair of people who wear masks. But first, welcome Zorak and the Original Way Outs.

(Shot of bandstand, with no Zorak or Original Way Outs)

SG:

Zorak? Zorak?

Z:

(in St. Peter's Square) (evil laugh) Ant humans, reap my wrath. When I, Zorak, rule the Earth!

SG:

I left Zorak in the Square, with thousands of earthlings! Moltar! send the shuttle for Zorak!

M:

(in control room) We don't have a shuttle.

SG:

Exactly! I'll go myself.

M:

Okay. (Space Ghost flies off stage)

Z:

On the third day, a dark cloud approached from the west...

(Space Ghost's Phantom Cruiser leaves Ghost Planet)

Z:

A cloud of swarming locusts...

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space)

Z:

And a mantis was thus spawned... I, Zorak!

M:

(in control room; bored, he pulls the lever: screen changes to volcanoes and molten lava) Mmmm...

SG:

(in Phantom Cruiser with Zorak) Moltar and I were worried sick!

Z:

Yeah. I hate this tape.

SG:

It's got a beat.

Z:

I had them in my control...

SG:

Listen, that's a guitar.

Z:

They were mine...

SG:

Oh, hush.

Narrator (N):

(on control room monitor, in Mickey Mouse voice) The hot lava burns a deadly path towards the inhabited city below, the citizens, blissfully unaware of the molten danger, sleep in their hammocks of straw, while the fiery river of death flows rampant. Hah.

M:

(sighs) Home.

SG:

(flies into his chair) Okay! If you read romance novels--and who doesn't--the face of my first guest is not unknown to you. Please welcome Cindy Guyer.

(The screen lowers, Cindy's face appears)

SG:

Greetings, Cindy!

Cindy Guyer (CG):

Hello Space Ghost, how are you today?

SG:

(My kindergarten teacher used to greet me that way!)

CG:

Thank you for having me here.

SG:

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. On book covers you're always transforming yourself into various guises. Is that your only super power?

CG:

Well, I'm kind of like a, a witch, like a fairy tale witch in a way, I create fantasy, for people. Y'know, I become, I become everybody's dreams.

SG:

Do continue.

CG:

I become the princess, the, the saloon girl, the cave woman... you name it, I've been it.

Z:

Farmer's daughter?

CG:

Yeah,

Z:

Lunch room lady?

CG:

Yes.

SG:

Clabbered milk?

CG:

(nods her head)

SG:

Bowl of cole slaw?

CG:

Yes.

Z:

Giant insect unicycle?

CG:

(looking puzzled) Hmmm...

SG:

She doesn't have a wheel!

Z:

(makes gibbering sounds)

SG:

Cindy, what kind of men do you like?

CG:

I don't want them too strong and macho, I like a man that's, you know, a man, but real down to earth and he knows how to be sensitive.

SG:

(romantic music swells in background) Zorak, the other night I saw the most beautiful sunset.

Z:

What?

CG:

He's really in touch with his feminine side. He's not afraid to be soft.

SG:

Why do fresh daffodils always make me cry? (tear rolls down his cheek)

CG:

What kind of women to you like, Space Ghost?

SG:

Rose Marie. (romantic music stops) Hey, you're like the female Fabio!

CG:

Yes, I've been called that, yes I have...

SG:

I like to think of myself as a male GI-Joe.

Z:

I'm a male Barbie.

SG:

Zorak was just on Earth.

Z:

And I was ruling it...

SG:

You were not. Cindy Guyer, what are ya doin' now?

CG:

Possibly negotiations, well I am, uh, with Universal to, uh, do my own little series, called "Sea Witch".

SG:

See what?

Z:

Sea Witch!

SG:

See what witch?

Z:

Sea Witch, see?

SG:

See which sea?

Z:

Sea Witch, Sea Witch!

SG:

What witch where?

CG:

Sea witch.

SG:

See... Oh! Like your little series!

CG:

And all my books would come to life, every week. It'd be just, you know, great.

SG:

I know, great. And, you've got a movie coming up.

CG:

Um, I have a movie coming out called "Mortal Obsession", it's...

SG:

...with Lorenzo Lamas! I've seen that one!

Z:

No, Lamas was in "Final Possessions".

SG:

I thought Bruce Boxleitner was in "Final Possessions", or was that "Lethal Passions"?

Z:

"Lethal Confessions", Swayze's brother.

SG:

Oh yeah, with Justin Bateman... I liked that one.

Z:

Me too.

SG:

Cindy...

Mystery Voice (MV):

Are ya sure?

SG:

(long pause) Any parting wishes for the galaxy?

CG:

(shakes head) No, that's it.

SG:

Bye then. (to camera) We'll be right back after our sponsor shoves some more stuff in front of you.

Z:

We shall return... with a vengeance!

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

Z:

Ready or not, here we come!

SG:

(laughing) Sorry. (to Moltar) Why didn't you tell me?

M:

(in control room) Sorry.

SG:

Okay! We're ba...

:START FEED

SG:

(tapping cards) Moltar, what are you doing?

M:

Starting over.

SG:

Just leave it on, okay pal?

M:

Okay.

SG:

My next guests use the phone all the time. Welcome The Jerky Boys!

(Screen lowers with Jerky Boys on it)

Jerky Boy 1 (JB1):

Could we shake his hand?

SG:

Greetings, Jerky Boys!

Jerky Boy 2 (JB2):

Hey, how are ya?

JB1:

How are you doing?

SG:

Those masks are frightening.

JB2:

Well, not more frightening than our face.

SG:

Are your faces wrinkly like smoked meat?

JB1:

Why don't you mind your questions?

SG:

Why don't you answer my questions?

JB2:

Well, now, you see, now we're off to a bad start, there.

SG:

Tell us all about your troubled childhood.

JB1:

What, uh, what kind of thing is that to ask adults?

SG:

Are you in trouble with the law?

JB1:

This guy needs a good punch in the mouth, if you ask me.

SG:

Punch, Now that's a silly word. "Punch." You know, if you say that enough times it loses all its meaning. Punch... punch... punch...

Z:

Punch?

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

(They continue saying "punch" in background)

JB2:

Boy, this, you know, this guy's bein' real flaky

JB1:

You're being silly now.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

SG:

Punch.

Z:

Punch.

(They continue saying "punch" in background)

JB1:

Space Ghost I oughtta, I oughtta smack your teeth out over there.

SG:

Pu... Yeah right... (Zorak keeps saying "Punch" in background) Gentlemen, if I kissed you would you understand that I was simply being European?

JB1:

You come near me I'll take a big eraser out, you'll be history.

Z:

Punch... punch...

M:

(in control room) Ponch?

Z:

No! Punch!

M:

Ohhhhh... "CHiPs"! (he pulls his lever, "CHiPs" theme comes on)

Z:

No, Punch!

M:

Oh. Yes, of course. Sorry about that.

(Space Ghost is staring at the Jerky Boys)

JB1:

What you lookin' at, man?

SG:

(looking down) This wasn't my best interview, was it?

JB1:

Naw, Space Ghost you're great. I used to watch you as a kid. I'm glad you're still fighting crime.

SG:

Thanks, Johnny.

JB2:

When is this gonna air?

SG:

I don't know. Moltar! When does this air?

M:

Uh, well, let's see... First, we'll have to pull out all the dirty words you used...

SG:

Uh huh.

M:

Then, we'll have to scramble it around and try to make this seem funny... That'll take about three weeks' worth of work, Earth time...

SG:

Mmm hmm.

M:

Then the writers have to basically write you out of the script, and we...

SG:

(coughs) There you have it!

JB1:

All right, Space Ghost!

JB2:

Hey, you fruit loop!

SG:

That's it. Get out.

M:

Hey, Space Ghost!

SG:

What?

M:

Pretty good ad lib, huh?

SG:

Yeah, right. (to camera) You've seen our next guest on "The Price is Right". Please welcome Dian Parkinson.

(Monitor lowers with Dian on it)

SG:

Hi Dian, are you comfy?

Dian Parkinson (DP):

Are we on, or...

SG:

Yes.

DP:

Are you serious? Are we doing this scene now, and you didn't even count it down?

SG:

Yes!

DP:

My little Space Ghost! How come you're doing this to me?

(A miniature sized Space Ghost is sitting in his chair)

Z:

So, what about the Bob Barker affair?

SG:

The fair? I love fairs... (carnival music in background) Lights, pony rides, cotton candy, Lobster Boy. Tell me about the fair!

DP:

(laughs)

SG:

Avoiding the subject?

DP:

Yes.

SG:

Diane, I have ways of making you talk about the fair.

DP:

Well, I don't know...

SG:

I'd say "Dian, tell me about the fair," and you'd answer. That's talking about it.

DP:

(laughs)

Z:

Who is this woman?

SG:

I think it's Dian Parkinson.

DP:

And what's his name?

SG:

That's Zorak, does he scare you?

DP:

No, it's just a grasshopper.

Z:

I'm a mantis.

SG:

You're a locust.

Z:

Look me up, I'm a mantis. Lokar is the locust.

SG:

(flipping through the script) Say... you are a mantis! I've been calling you a locust all this time!

Z:

You were?

SG:

Yes! Don't you pay attention?

Z:

No.

SG:

Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Mantis! You're so important over there with that keyboard and everything and you don't have to pay attention, because the Mr. Mantis is way too important to be the sidekick, isn't that right Mr. Mantis!?

Z:

What?

DP:

(laughs)

(Credits roll)

SG:

Magenta. Now, that's a silly word.

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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