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Title:Self Help
Original Air Date:October 6, 1994
Guest Stars:Dr. Joyce Brothers, Rich Hall, Anka Radakovich
Synopsis:Helping to rehabilitate Zorak, Space Ghost welcomes psychiatrist Dr. Joyce Brothers, who ends up being more concerned about him. Later, comic Rich Hall gives Space Ghost pointers on how to pick up women that are immediately used by Zorak and Moltar to impress author Anka Radakovich.

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

Moltar (M): (in control room) Hi, I'm Moltar.
Joyce Brothers (JB): Uh huh.
M: I have an addiction to... fire.
JB: Playing with fire can really be harmful to you, to me, to your studio, to everything that you hold dear.
M: Hmmmm, give us a kiss.
JB: All right. (closes her eyes)
M: (leans forward, hits the screen with his helmet, breaking it)
JB: (laughs)
M: Huh?
(Opening theme music & titles)
Space Ghost (SG): (invisos in) ¡Hola! I am Space Ghost. On this show I've gathered a panel of therapists to help Zorak. (lowers voice) He's evil.
Zorak (Z): I am not!
SG: Yes you are!
Z: I am not!
SG: Yes you are!
Z: (pause) Yes, I am! (evil laugh)
SG: See?
(Way Outs play Space Ghost to the desk)
SG: (invisos in) ¡Hola! (laughs) Alrighty! My first guest is Dr. Joyce Brothers. You may have seen her on such shows as "Merv Griffin", "Mike Douglas", "Parker Lewis Can't Lose", "Tic Tac Dough", "Mr. Belvidere", "The X-Men", "The X-Files", "ALF", "The Tonight Show", and "True Stories of the Highway Patrol".
Z: (sighs) Page two. "Bay Watch", "The $5 Pyramid", "The $20 Pyramid", "The $100 Pyramid", ...
SG: Welcome her! (screen lowers)
Z: ... "Joker's Wild", "Weekend at Bernie's", "The Four Hundred Blows", ...
SG: Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers.
JB: Well, I...
Z: ... "Flubber", "Clockwork Orange", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "The Man from Snowy River"...
JB: That's wild! (laughs)
Z: Why are you here? (continues to talk in background)
SG: Yeah, why are you here?
JB: Because people need so much help.
SG: Correct! So, what's new, Dr. Brothers?
JB: Everything. Uh, I have a new book, called "Positive Plus, The Practical Plan for Liking Yourself Better", and I know, Space Ghost, there's no way you could like yourself better than you do.
SG: Not even for money. Hey, isn't Zorak handsome and nice?
JB: No he's not.
Z: Yeah! No I'm not!
SG: (in low voice) Dr. Brothers, can you work with me here?
JB: Okay!
Z: Paul Harvey...
SG: I'm trying to mend his evil ways.
Z: ... Paul Harvey... Paul Harvey!
SG: What about him?
Z: Eh, he's good, don't you think?
SG: Do you have any aspirin, doc?
JB: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
Z: Hello America, page two, and that man was Walt Disney, and that's the rest of, the story. (keeps talking in background)
SG: (in low voice) I said, I'm rehabilitating Zorak, he's really quite evil. Can you help me?
JB: If he's an evil locust, then he's only evil every seven years, so, just enjoy him between the seven years.
Z: But, but, I'm a mantis.
SG: He's right.
Z: We're mean all the time!
SG: Can you shut him up?
JB: No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what I'm trying to do with you, Space Ghost.
SG: Me? I'm fine! He's got the problem!
JB: Well, I'm not so sure you're okay, but the idea...
SG: Of course I'm okay, I'm Space Ghost!
JB: The idea is that people validate one another, ...
SG: Psychobabble. (Joyce stops talking) Look, lady, I called you in to help Zorak, not me! You think I have the problem?
JB: Well, that is a great possibility.
SG: (pause) How long have you hated men?
M: (in control room) Rich... Rich!
Rich Hall (RH): Yeah.
M: You're up in two minutes.
RH: Mmm hmm.
M: Time enough for a kiss!
JB: (in studio) And, your mask makes it really very difficult for people to divine your motivation.
SG: (crassly) Do tell!
JB: Your motivation, for all we know, may not be as open as your publicity allows us to think.
SG: You get paid for this?
JB: Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an ink blot?
SG: Once, in Dothan, Alabama.
JB: I think they're fun to watch...
Z: Excuse me...
JB: ...but I don't think they're psychic at all. I think some people...
Z: Excuse me...
JB: ...are willing to look at all the information...
Z: Excuse me... over here...
SG: What!
Z: Eh, where's Dothan?
SG: On the way to Panama City!
Z: Oh. Okay, thanks.
SG: I'm sorry, so what about these ink stains you were blathering about?
JB: Well, you know, you project all your emotions onto that ink blot...
Z: Excuse me...
JB: ...then therapist could read...
Z: Um, excuse me...
JB: ...how you really feel.
SG: (to Zorak) What!
Z: Is that in Florida?
SG: Yes!
Z: The panhandle?
SG: Yes!
Z: Okay, thanks.
JB: You know, we really are trained in every culture to look at people...
Z: Uh, Space Ghost...
Z: Paul Harvey.
SG: (Grrrrr)
JB: So if you ask a little child who hasn't had...
SG: You're... not gonna charge me for this, are you?
JB: Well, umm, actually, it would, I would send you a double bill because you have a split personality.
SG: Ohhhh! So now I'm a schizo?
JB: (pause) It's very possible, um, you would know better than anyone else.
SG: (chuckles) That's preposterous. I am not, nor have I ever been, a schizophrenic. (British voice) That's not true. (regular voice) You be quiet. (British voice) Who's the lady? (regular voice) Shut up! (British voice) Aren't you gonna introduce me?
JB: (laughs)
Z: Moltar, call the police.
SG: I heard that! (British voice) No, you didn't!
SG: (laughs) Alrighty! We're back! (pause) Hey Zorak, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut!
Z: I thought she was incredibly informative and had many insightful observations about your behavior.
SG: What!? Oh, I see. You think I'm crazy, don't you?
Z: Er...
SG: Go ahead Zorak, say it.
Z: Well, um, heh...
SG: Say it!
Z: Moltar?
M: (in control room) You're up, Rich.
RH: Okay.
M: Last chance for a kiss.
RH: That's enough, really, let's, uh, let's, let's draw the line there.
M: Your loss.
RH: Thank you. (Moltar pulls the lever, sending Rich to the studio)
SG: (at desk) Say it!
RH: Hiya Space, how's it goin'?
SG: (in Clint Eastwood voice) Buckle up for safety.
RH: Alright.
SG: Tell us about your book.
RH: Uh, it's a hundred and twenty eight pages of, uh, of all the major dysfunctions on our planet...
SG: Say it!
Z: Eh...
RH: ... uh, I'm trying to kinda, you know, put the fun back into dysfunction.
Z: (pause) Heh heh.
SG: Oh, I get it! Fun into dysfunction!
RH: A sense of humor's very important, Space Ghost, and I can see that you're desperately trying to develop one, and that's good.
SG: Hey, thanks!
RH: And, and you look very, very stylish in your cape, by the way.
SG: What's that supposed to mean?
RH: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. No, really, I mean, I'm just sayin' that from uh, one guy to another, you know.
SG: No, I don't know.
RH: Well, Space Ghost, you have to become a little more comfortable with your sexuality, and a little more confident in it, you know. I'm just giving you a compliment, it's not like I'm comin' on to you or anything, you know.
SG: (stares silently)
RH: I mean, you're a superhero, I think you need some superhero confidence, in your, uh, sexuality.
SG: (crassly) Oh, really, anything else?
RH: You need to, uh, you need to watch some more TV.
SG: More TV, you don't say? Any certain way I should watch TV?
RH: Oh, Space Ghost, ah...
SG: Would you like to wear the cape, Rich?
RH: Uh...
SG: (Long pause) Rich.
RH: Yeah?
SG: Do a sniglet.
RH: No, I don't do sniglets anymore, uh, they're dead. Put 'em in the garage.
SG: Make up a sniglet for Zorak.
RH: (annoyed) I'm gonna let you enjoy your little self referential moment of mirth there, Space Ghost.
SG: How about, Mantis Do Gooder. Is that a swell sniglet or what, Rich?
RH: (more annoyed) Are there prizes for these questions?
SG: This isn't a game show, Mr. Hall
RH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
SG: That's better.
Z: Bite me! (pause) Oh, I'm sorry.
SG: Thank you. Rich, tell us about your super powers.
RH: Uh, I have none, and I'm totally defenseless at this point to whatever, uh, assault Earth decides to commit against me, uh, I'm just a victim.
SG: A victim of your own self pity.
RH: No, I just feel like, uh, I know my place on the planet and it's, it's very tiny, I think that...
SG: That's sad.
RH: (tsk) Yeah.
SG: Do a sniglet.
RH: No.
SG: Okay. Why won't women talk to me?
RH: Well, the first thing that you need to do, is, uh, go all out and lie.
SG: Lie?
RH: Use your imagination, just tell women what they want to hear, you know, you can always cover your tracks later.
SG: But Rich, I always tell the truth.
RH: That's not what women want to hear. They wanna hear you drummed for Pearl Jam. Yeah.
SG: That's not a sniglet, Hall.
RH: Um...
SG: Go get me some breakfast!
RH: I'm sorry?
SG: (zaps Rich off screen) Now, let's see, what's next? (looking at his hand) Hey, look at my hand! (covering & uncovering his face) Open, close, open, close, open ...
Z: Space Ghost.
SG: Huh?
Z: You have another guest.
SG: Zorak... I don't feel well, you do it.
Z: Me? Honest?
SG: Open, close, open ...
Anka Radakovich (AR): (in control room) Pyro-, Pyromaniacs?
M: Yeah!
AR: They're hot.
M: Would you kiss one?
AR: Oh yeah, (smooch smooch) can I give you a kiss? (puckers)
M: (blissfully) Oooooh!!!
AR: Bye bye. (waves) Say bye bye!
M: Bye bye. (throws lever) I love you.
AR: (laughs) Whoooooo! Alright!
Z: Umm... er... uh... you are a human.
AR: Yeah.
Z: You are a female human.
AR: Yeah.
Z: You are a pretty female human.
AR: Mm Hmmm.
Z: Mm Hmmm, pretty pretty female human.
SG: Anka, I'm the drummer for Pearl Jam!
AR: Well, I just wrote a book.
SG: Well, I drum for a band.
AR: Well, I just wrote a book.
SG: Well I can speak French really loud!
SG: Je parle français très fort, no?
AR: Oui?
SG: Je peux ouvrir une boite d'épinards avec les muscles de mon derrière! (laughs) (subdued) I used to be so pretty... in Paris. (French cafe music) (inset picture of Space Ghost in a dress)
Z: So, what do you think of me, human?
AR: Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive...
SG: (starts singing "Frère Jacques" in background)
Z: You do not know me, human! I am evil, therefore I am lonely. I'm just a lonely... drummer for Pearl Jam.
AR: Alright!
M: That's a lie!
Z: Shut up, Moltar!
M: The female human is mine!
Z: What!
M: I see what you're doing! Putting the lonely mantis routine on to get the girl. You're lying!
Z: Mantis' don't lie!
M: Do so!
Z: Do not!
M: Do so!
Z: Do not
M: Do so!
Z: Do not!
SG: (finishing "Frère Jacques") Dang dong dang! Dang dong dang!
(Credits roll. "La Marseillaise" plays in background)
M: You've got a dumb head!
Z: At least I have a head!
SG: Just shut up!

Dr. Joyce Brothers
Rich Hall
Anka Radakovich
Matthew Maiellaro
Michael Cahill
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Ken Brady
Paige Lillard
C. Martin Croker
Chris Harmon
Tanya Bergan
Matt Harrigan
Fred Seibert
Ken Chamberlain
Dave Farmer
(inverted) Tom Roche
Jeff Barron
Dave Dubiel
Roy Clements
Pierre Bairin
Kelli Christianson
Alex Toth
Khaki Jones
Andy Merrill
Keith Crofford
Michael Lazzo

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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