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:START FEED

Moltar: (sneezes)

Zorak: Sixteen.

Moltar: (sneezes)

Zorak: Seventeen.

Moltar: My nose is stopped up.

Zorak: Yeah.

Space Ghost: (invisos in) Inviso in... (invisos out) Inviso out... (invisos in) Inviso in... There, seems okay now.

Moltar: (sneezes, entire studio shakes)

Space Ghost: Crimony! What's the ruckus, Zorak?

Zorak: What ruckus? (Moltar sneezes again, studio shakes)

Space Ghost: That ruckus.

Zorak: Oh. Moltar's sick. (Moltar sneezes again)

Space Ghost: Bless you, Moltar.

(Opening theme music & titles; part way through, Moltar sneezes again, and music & credits start fast-forwarding & rewinding, and playing at various speeds. Space Ghost invisos out & in again)

Space Ghost: (laughs) (aside) That was odd. (aloud) Greetings! I am Space Ghost. (smiles, light glints off his teeth) My guests tonight are recording artist and "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Partridge Family" member Danny Bona-, Bon-, Bonaduckie.

Zorak: Duce!

Moltar: (sneezes)

Space Ghost: Gesundheit!

Moltar: (snort) Thanks.

Zorak: (plays Space Ghost to his desk)

Space Ghost: Zorak, that... (final drum beat) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself.

Zorak: I.. don't know. Don't look at me!

Space Ghost: I am looking at you.

Zorak: Well, don't. (Zorak & Space Ghost stare at each other; Zorak blinks)

Space Ghost: (Ding!) Hah! I win, Zorak!

Zorak: Grrrr...

Space Ghost: Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Zorak, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (monitor lowers, but bounces repeatedly) Moltar! Bad director!

Moltar: I can't control it.

Space Ghost: Have to use freeze ray. (Fires freeze ray at monitor, it finally stops bouncing) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (someone drops a microphone, feedback ensues; Moltar coughs in background) (pause) Branford!

Branford Marsalis: Hey, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Hey right back at you, Branford. So how goes the "Tonight Show"?

Branford Marsalis: It's going pretty good, sir.

Space Ghost: That's terrific. Mazel tov!

Branford Marsalis: Thank you very much, Mr. Ghost.

Space Ghost: I see you're chewing gum.

Zorak: Gum?

Moltar: Gum?

Zorak: Gum!

Space Ghost: Did you bring enough everyone?

Branford Marsalis: No, but I'll have some shortly.

Zorak: No gum?

Space Ghost: So, do you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader?

Branford Marsalis: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Is it fun? Do you enjoy working with Jay Leno?

Branford Marsalis: Yes, yes.

Space Ghost: In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff.

Branford Marsalis: Absolutely, absolutely.

Space Ghost: So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader?

Branford Marsalis: I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong.

Space Ghost: (sound of gavel falling) Guilty! (crowd murmuring in background) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe?

Branford Marsalis: He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (laughs)

Space Ghost: This concerns me. So, what is he like, then?

Branford Marsalis: He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you.

Space Ghost: Hardly! I keep the universe safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (smiles, light glints off his teeth again)

Branford Marsalis: Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (glare from Space Ghost's teeth starts overloading the cameras)

Zorak: Space Ghost! Shut your big mouth!

Moltar: Aaaah!

(Screen goes completely white, then goes black; then, a blue screen with a picture of Zorak and Moltar, and the words "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" appears, with background music; a short while later, the regular screen returns)

Announcer: (voiceover) We now join Space Ghost Coast to Coast, already in progress.

Space Ghost: ... something crawling on the table... (looks up) Who was that?

Moltar: (sniffle) Some lady.

Space Ghost: (quietly) Alrighty. (normal voice) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it!

Zorak: Yeah, give us some gum!

Branford Marsalis: Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album, it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album.

Space Ghost: Uh huh.

Branford Marsalis: There's a lot of strange mixes on there...

Space Ghost: Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning?

Branford Marsalis: No, I don't.

Space Ghost: A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelet. (groans and grumbling voices in background)

Moltar: Oh, no, stop, don't!

Space Ghost: Some milk I left out in the sun for a week...

Moltar: (sounding nauseous)

Branford Marsalis: Oh, come on, don't do that, man!

Space Ghost: And some fuzzy bread.

Moltar: I'm gonna be sick! ("hurling" sounds)

Space Ghost: Moltar! Damage report!

Moltar: I just hurled in my helmet!

Branford Marsalis: Oh, man!

Zorak: Gross.

Space Ghost: I... think it's time to take a break (sound of a container being emptied) Moltar! Not in the control room!

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

Space Ghost: (playing "Sonic the Hedgehog" on monitor; exits game) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford.

Branford Marsalis: Kick it.

Space Ghost: Branford, I wonder, does Doc Severinson ever show up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section?

Branford Marsalis: Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started...

Space Ghost: (laughs) That Doc! You've gotta love him.

Branford Marsalis: Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy.

Zorak: (in "rapper" outfit, with "scratch" noises) Mrrrrr, stick 'em!

Space Ghost: (stares at Zorak) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Zorak?

Branford Marsalis: Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (laughs)

Space Ghost: What's so funny?

Branford Marsalis: Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Ghost?

Zorak: He was asking you, where's Zorak's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours!

Branford Marsalis: Zorak, never eat anything larger than your head. (to Space Ghost) How's that?

Space Ghost: Not so good.

Branford Marsalis: (surprised) What do you mean?

Space Ghost: Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford?

Branford Marsalis: Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit?

Zorak: I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine Chianti. (sup sup sup sup sup) Oh, and some gum.

Space Ghost: Yeah, right, Zorak. You and what army?

Zorak: Ehhh, the Kiss Army. (Army voices: "Yeaaahhh! Destroy Rock City!")

Space Ghost: Er, right, right. (pause) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat?

Branford Marsalis: Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies.

Zorak: (at desk with laser rifle) Make with the scatting (fires rifle)

Branford Marsalis: A one, a two, a one two three... (scats for 4 bars) (to Space Ghost) Go!

Space Ghost: (scats for 4 bars)

Zorak: (scats for 4 bars) Take it, Moltar!

Moltar: (tries to scat for a couple bars) Take it, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: (scats again; Moltar sneezes, and Branford's image is replaced by Danny Bonaduce's)

Moltar: Space Ghost... (Space Ghost keeps scatting) Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: (stops) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Partridge kid!

Moltar: (sniffle) We lost Branford.

Zorak: And the gum? (pause, then screams)

Space Ghost: Okay, everyone remain calm.

Danny Bonaduce: Hello?

Zorak: (finishes screaming) (to Moltar) You idiot!

Moltar: Sorry.

Zorak: Shut up!

Danny Bonaduce: Hello?

Space Ghost: Hello, citizen Danny!

Zorak: (in background) Shut up!

Moltar: (in background) Sorry.

Space Ghost: So, what have you been up to lately?

Danny Bonaduce: Hi, Space Ghost. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have been on with some of the biggest talk show hosts in the world...

Zorak: (to Moltar) What?

Danny Bonaduce: ... and this is an honor for me.

Space Ghost: Okay.

Danny Bonaduce: Just kidding! Ha!

Space Ghost: Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me?

Danny Bonaduce: Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny...

Space Ghost: I'm serious, Partridge. Thank me.

Danny Bonaduce: That makes me nervous.

Space Ghost: I'm waiting...

Danny Bonaduce: Thank you.

Space Ghost: Thank you, Space Ghost.

Danny Bonaduce: Thank you, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: That's more like it. So, Danny boy, what super-power helped you battle the child star syndrome?

Danny Bonaduce: I used the power of invisibility.

Space Ghost: I have that.

Danny Bonaduce: Oh, no kidding!

Space Ghost: Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims?

Zorak: (to Moltar) Shut up!

Danny Bonaduce: No, because I have met other child star victims, and I've got to say that it's my opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve.

Zorak: Like Jan and Jace?

Space Ghost: Who?

Zorak & Moltar: (laugh)

Space Ghost: Danny, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Partridge?

Danny Bonaduce: I've got about eighty bucks and a lunchbox.

Space Ghost: That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked!

Danny Bonaduce: Shirley Jones, David Cassidy, that's where all the money went.

Space Ghost: It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood. Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.

Zorak: [No talent and no personality will get you a talk show]

Space Ghost: [Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite thing about the seventies?

Danny Bonaduce: The beginning of the eighties.

Zorak: (in "punk" outfit) Whip it, whip it good!

Space Ghost: [Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite Partridge Family song?

Danny Bonaduce: I actually have a couple. "Echo Valley 2-6809" was one of my favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool.

Old Lady: (phone rings, she answers) Hello? Hello? Hello!

Moltar: (laughs, then coughs)

Danny Bonaduce: "I Woke Up In Love This Morning" (starts singing song)

Space Ghost: Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over!

Danny Bonaduce: Oh.

Space Ghost: I understand you're in radio now. Plug your station!

Danny Bonaduce: Um, let's see, uh...

Space Ghost: Wait for it... Go!

Danny Bonaduce: I work at -- (screen zaps, replaced by little girl playing a guitar & singing)

Space Ghost: Now what?

Zorak: Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote.

Space Ghost: (quietly) So, we lost Danny. That's okay. (screen zaps back)

Danny Bonaduce: Hello?

Space Ghost: Oh. You.

Danny Bonaduce: (laughs)

Space Ghost: Say, Danny the Danny?

Danny Bonaduce: Yes sir, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: What did you want to become when you were a kid?

Danny Bonaduce: When I was a, a kid, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman...

Zorak: [Lousy screw!]

Danny Bonaduce: ... and, uh, to punch out Donny Osmond, or really any member of the Osmond family.

Zorak: When I was a larvae, I wanted to be the all-powerful ruler of the universe! (crown appears on his head)

Moltar: Me too! (crown appears on his head also)

Zorak: And, to have some gum.

Space Ghost: Do you know what gum is?

Zorak: Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some!

Danny Bonaduce: Have you ever met Donny Osmond, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: I'd... (crown appears on his head) I'd rather not talk about it. (crown disappears)

Danny Bonaduce: Got it!

Space Ghost: Danny, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Moltar!

Moltar: What?

Space Ghost: Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!"

Danny Bonaduce: Ah.

Space Ghost: Louder, please.

Danny Bonaduce: AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (glass breaks all over the studio, alarms go off)

Space Ghost: Okay, everyone remain calm.

Zorak: Space Ghost! (gets pulled out of his seat, flies across room) Wheeeee!!

Danny Bonaduce: You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.

(Credits roll)

Branford Marsalis: (scats)

Danny Bonaduce: AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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