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Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

:START FEED

Moltar (M):

(sneezes)

Zorak (Z):

Sixteen.

M:

(sneezes)

Z:

Seventeen.

M:

My nose is stopped up.

Z:

Yeah.

Space Ghost (SG):

(invisos in) Inviso in... (invisos out) Inviso out... (invisos in) Inviso in... There, seems okay now.

M:

(sneezes, entire studio shakes)

SG:

Crimony! What's the ruckus, Zorak?

Z:

What ruckus? (Moltar sneezes again, studio shakes)

SG:

That ruckus.

Z:

Oh. Moltar's sick. (Moltar sneezes again)

SG:

Bless you, Moltar.

(Opening theme music & titles; part way through, Moltar sneezes again, and music & credits start fast-forwarding & rewinding, and playing at various speeds. Space Ghost invisos out & in again)

SG:

(laughs) (aside) That was odd. (aloud) Greetings! I am Space Ghost. (smiles, light glints off his teeth) My guests tonight are recording artist and "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Partridge Family" member Danny Bona-, Bon-, Bonaduckie.

Z:

Duce!

M:

(sneezes)

SG:

Gesundheit!

M:

(snort) Thanks.

Z:

(plays Space Ghost to his desk)

SG:

Zorak, that... (final drum beat) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself.

Z:

I.. don't know. Don't look at me!

SG:

I am looking at you.

Z:

Well, don't. (Zorak & Space Ghost stare at each other; Zorak blinks)

SG:

(Ding!) Hah! I win, Zorak!

Z:

Grrrr...

SG:

Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Zorak, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (monitor lowers, but bounces repeatedly) Moltar! Bad director!

M:

I can't control it.

SG:

Have to use freeze ray. (Fires freeze ray at monitor, it finally stops bouncing) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (someone drops a microphone, feedback ensues; Moltar coughs in background) (pause) Branford!

Branford Marsalis (BM):

Hey, Space Ghost.

SG:

Hey right back at you, Branford. So how goes the "Tonight Show"?

BM:

It's going pretty good, sir.

SG:

That's terrific. Mazel tov!

BM:

Thank you very much, Mr. Ghost.

SG:

I see you're chewing gum.

Z:

Gum?

M:

Gum?

Z:

Gum!

SG:

Did you bring enough everyone?

BM:

No, but I'll have some shortly.

Z:

No gum?

SG:

So, do you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader?

BM:

Yeah.

SG:

Is it fun? Do you enjoy working with Jay Leno?

BM:

Yes, yes.

SG:

In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff.

BM:

Absolutely, absolutely.

SG:

So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader?

BM:

I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong.

SG:

(sound of gavel falling) Guilty! (crowd murmuring in background) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe?

BM:

He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (laughs)

SG:

This concerns me. So, what is he like, then?

BM:

He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you.

SG:

Hardly! I keep the universe safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (smiles, light glints off his teeth again)

BM:

Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (glare from Space Ghost's teeth starts overloading the cameras)

Z:

Space Ghost! Shut your big mouth!

M:

Aaaah!

(Screen goes completely white, then goes black; then, a blue screen with a picture of Zorak and Moltar, and the words "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" appears, with background music; a short while later, the regular screen returns)

Announcer (A):

(voiceover) We now join Space Ghost Coast to Coast, already in progress.

SG:

... something crawling on the table... (looks up) Who was that?

M:

(sniffle) Some lady.

SG:

(quietly) Alrighty. (normal voice) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it!

Z:

Yeah, give us some gum!

BM:

Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album, it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album.

SG:

Uh huh.

BM:

There's a lot of strange mixes on there...

SG:

Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning?

BM:

No, I don't.

SG:

A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelet. (groans and grumbling voices in background)

M:

Oh, no, stop, don't!

SG:

Some milk I left out in the sun for a week...

M:

(sounding nauseous)

BM:

Oh, come on, don't do that, man!

SG:

And some fuzzy bread.

M:

I'm gonna be sick! ("hurling" sounds)

SG:

Moltar! Damage report!

M:

I just hurled in my helmet!

BM:

Oh, man!

Z:

Gross.

SG:

I... think it's time to take a break (sound of a container being emptied) Moltar! Not in the control room!

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

(playing "Sonic the Hedgehog" on monitor; exits game) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford.

BM:

Kick it.

SG:

Branford, I wonder, does Doc Severinson ever show up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section?

BM:

Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started...

SG:

(laughs) That Doc! You've gotta love him.

BM:

Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy.

Z:

(in "rapper" outfit, with "scratch" noises) Mrrrrr, stick 'em!

SG:

(stares at Zorak) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Zorak?

BM:

Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (laughs)

SG:

What's so funny?

BM:

Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Ghost?

Z:

He was asking you, where's Zorak's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours!

BM:

Zorak, never eat anything larger than your head. (to Space Ghost) How's that?

SG:

Not so good.

BM:

(surprised) What do you mean?

SG:

Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford?

BM:

Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit?

Z:

I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine Chianti. (sup sup sup sup sup) Oh, and some gum.

SG:

Yeah, right, Zorak. You and what army?

Z:

Ehhh, the Kiss Army. (Army voices: "Yeaaahhh! Destroy Rock City!")

SG:

Er, right, right. (pause) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat?

BM:

Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies.

Z:

(at desk with laser rifle) Make with the scatting (fires rifle)

BM:

A one, a two, a one two three... (scats for 4 bars) (to Space Ghost) Go!

SG:

(scats for 4 bars)

Z:

(scats for 4 bars) Take it, Moltar!

M:

(tries to scat for a couple bars) Take it, Space Ghost.

SG:

(scats again; Moltar sneezes, and Branford's image is replaced by Danny Bonaduce's)

M:

Space Ghost... (Space Ghost keeps scatting) Space Ghost!

SG:

(stops) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Partridge kid!

M:

(sniffle) We lost Branford.

Z:

And the gum? (pause, then screams)

SG:

Okay, everyone remain calm.

Danny Bonaduce (DB):

Hello?

Z:

(finishes screaming) (to Moltar) You idiot!

M:

Sorry.

Z:

Shut up!

DB:

Hello?

SG:

Hello, citizen Danny!

Z:

(in background) Shut up!

M:

(in background) Sorry.

SG:

So, what have you been up to lately?

DB:

Hi, Space Ghost. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have been on with some of the biggest talk show hosts in the world...

Z:

(to Moltar) What?

DB:

... and this is an honor for me.

SG:

Okay.

DB:

Just kidding! Ha!

SG:

Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me?

DB:

Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny...

SG:

I'm serious, Partridge. Thank me.

DB:

That makes me nervous.

SG:

I'm waiting...

DB:

Thank you.

SG:

Thank you, Space Ghost.

DB:

Thank you, Space Ghost.

SG:

That's more like it. So, Danny boy, what super-power helped you battle the child star syndrome?

DB:

I used the power of invisibility.

SG:

I have that.

DB:

Oh, no kidding!

SG:

Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims?

Z:

(to Moltar) Shut up!

DB:

No, because I have met other child star victims, and I've got to say that it's my opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve.

Z:

Like Jan and Jace?

SG:

Who?

Zorak & Moltar (Z&M):

(laugh)

SG:

Danny, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Partridge?

DB:

I've got about eighty bucks and a lunchbox.

SG:

That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked!

DB:

Shirley Jones, David Cassidy, that's where all the money went.

SG:

It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood. Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.

Z:

[No talent and no personality will get you a talk show]

SG:

[Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite thing about the seventies?

DB:

The beginning of the eighties.

Z:

(in "punk" outfit) Whip it, whip it good!

SG:

[Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite Partridge Family song?

DB:

I actually have a couple. "Echo Valley 2-6809" was one of my favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool.

Old Lady (OL):

(phone rings, she answers) Hello? Hello? Hello!

M:

(laughs, then coughs)

DB:

"I Woke Up In Love This Morning" (starts singing song)

SG:

Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over!

DB:

Oh.

SG:

I understand you're in radio now. Plug your station!

DB:

Um, let's see, uh...

SG:

Wait for it... Go!

DB:

I work at -- (screen zaps, replaced by little girl playing a guitar & singing)

SG:

Now what?

Z:

Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote.

SG:

(quietly) So, we lost Danny. That's okay. (screen zaps back)

DB:

Hello?

SG:

Oh. You.

DB:

(laughs)

SG:

Say, Danny the Danny?

DB:

Yes sir, Space Ghost?

SG:

What did you want to become when you were a kid?

DB:

When I was a, a kid, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman...

Z:

[Lousy screw!]

DB:

... and, uh, to punch out Donny Osmond, or really any member of the Osmond family.

Z:

When I was a larvae, I wanted to be the all-powerful ruler of the universe! (crown appears on his head)

M:

Me too! (crown appears on his head also)

Z:

And, to have some gum.

SG:

Do you know what gum is?

Z:

Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some!

DB:

Have you ever met Donny Osmond, Space Ghost?

SG:

I'd... (crown appears on his head) I'd rather not talk about it. (crown disappears)

DB:

Got it!

SG:

Danny, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Moltar!

M:

What?

SG:

Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!"

DB:

Ah.

SG:

Louder, please.

DB:

AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (glass breaks all over the studio, alarms go off)

SG:

Okay, everyone remain calm.

Z:

Space Ghost! (gets pulled out of his seat, flies across room) Wheeeee!!

DB:

You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.

(Credits roll)

BM:

(scats)

DB:

AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

© 1994 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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