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:WAITING

Space Ghost (SG):

(to himself) Ah, let's see... ohhh, my thighs ache... (to camera) Oh dear.

(Opening theme music & titles)

SG:

(Invisos in) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost!

Zorak (Z):

Big whoop.

SG:

Tonight, we present a special theme show, an all-star spectacular tribute to Women In the Entertainment Industry. (fanfare music in background) Our special guest women are "Nanny" Fran Drescher, that "Hello Dolly" herself Carol Channing, and horror rock and roll riot girl Alice Cooper. (aside to audience) It was my idea!

Z:

My idea was much better! (light bulb appears above his head)

SG:

I told you, Zorak, we're not doing a musical tribute to Jack Klugman.

Z:

(light bulb disappears) But Klugman is terrific, Klugman is dynamite, Klugman is ... Klugman!

SG:

Enough, Zorak! (quietly) Didn't I give up on us appearing in women's clothing?

Z:

Ugh! You bloody fool!

SG:

Sore loser!

Z:

British imperialist swine!

SG:

Tax and spend democrat!

Z:

Jive turkey!

SG:

Big baby! Baby mantis!

Z:

(in bib, baby voice) Am not!

SG:

Anyway, it's my show, so what I say goes. And I say we salute women (fanfare).

Moltar (M):

How about a tribute to...

Space Ghost & Zorak (SG&Z):

Shut up!

M:

Hey, I heard that!

SG:

(Invisos to desk) Zorak, that wasn't my patented theme music.

Z:

I'm on strike! Stick it to the man! (holding sign which says "SPACE GHOST UNFAIR TO EVIL MANTISES LOCAL 251")

SG:

Uh uh, Zorak, this is a non-union show.

Z:

Tough (cough) with your show, you (cough cough), I'm on strike! (sign now says "DESTROY ALL TALK SHOWS")

SG:

Hey pal, watch the gutter language! This is a woman's show.

Z:

(cough)!

SG:

And speaking of women, Moltar has whipped up a little something on them. Roll it, boy!

(Projector startup sounds, film header countdown)

Z:

(silhouette walks in front of screen) Focus!

SG:

(voice over) Down in front!

M:

(handwritten titles, being moved by hands on screen) "S. Gost Presents" / "Tribute to Women"

(Rapid montage of film clips from various movies, with sound effects, backwards music & scream at end)

SG:

Now, that's entertainment!

Z:

Ugh..

SG:

Time for our first woman. (to himself) Hope my breath's alright. (aloud) Welcome, Citizen Nanny! (screen lowers)

Fran Drescher (FD):

Oh, hi!

SG:

(to himself) Oooh, she's a little vixen!

FD:

But what did you say before the word "nanny"?

SG:

Why, I, cough, cough (face gets red) (voice in background sings: "Riccolo!") I, uh, said, Citizen Nanny?

FD:

Citizen, oh, "Citizen Nanny", oh, hi, how are you?

SG:

(laughs, then sighs)

FD:

You know, I'm having trouble, hearing...

M:

(in control room) Okay. (throws lever) (sound becomes loud and distorted)

SG:

Can you hear me now? Testing...

FD:

It's too loud!

SG:

Sorry. Moltar!

M:

What?

Z:

Turn it down! It's too loud!

M:

(throws lever again; screen goes black, then comes back; sound returns to normal)

FD:

That's much better!

SG:

Moltar, I swear...

M:

I know, sorry.

FD:

I, I think that's better.

Z:

What? Jack?

FD:

No, I'm deaf in one ear. (laughs) (other voice laughs in background)

SG:

(to himself) That voice! That bewitching voice!

Z:

That Nanny needs a lozenge! (voice in background sings: "Riccolo!")

FD:

(looks puzzled, then laughs again)

SG:

Nanny, may I ask you some questions, so I can hear more of your enchanting voice?

FD:

Um, well...

SG:

Alrighty! I'm going to ask the pretty Nanny questions. (to himself) Steady boy, keep cool.

Z:

Ask her about Klugman! (sign says "FREE JACK KLUGMAN")

SG:

(to himself) Palms sweaty... (aloud) Uh, tell the show about us, Nanny!

FD:

(laughs) Am I supposed to answer now?

SG:

Uh, yeah.

FD:

Ask me the same question.

SG:

Oh dear. I can't! Besides, I forgot it!, er, um... (To himself) Think, Tad, think!

Z:

How many times has Jack Klugman been on "The Twilight Zone"? (clock ticks in background)

FD:

(hold up three fingers) Three!

Z:

(Buzz!) Incorrect! Moltar?

M:

Uh, one? (Buzz!) Three! (Buzz!)

Z:

Sorry. Johnny! Tell them what they've won!

Johnny (J):

(picture of can zooms up on screen, with background music) They've won Diddley Squat! Yes, Diddley Squat, one size fits all, tons of uses. It's Diddley Squat. Zorak?

Z:

Moltar?

FD:

Space Ghost?

SG:

I've got it! Nanny, do you nanny for radio-controlled robot children? (Buzz!) Oooh, dumb question.

FD:

Radio-controlled robot children? Uhhh, no.

SG:

Let me try another question.

FD:

You know, Arsenio Hall used to give out (buzz) nice gifts.

SG:

(nervous laugh) Nanny, please!

FD:

(laughs) (baby cries & dog barks in background)

SG:

We'll just let that one go since you're so adorable.

Z:

Thank you.

SG:

Not you, Zorak! Sorry, Nanny, he's just jealous.

Z:

I'm not jealous, I'm on strike!

SG:

Man, he's annoying!

FD:

You obviously enjoy, um, being in that kind of love-hate relationship.

SG:

I don't love Zorak! I love... (harp music swells in background) (to himself) Can it be? Do I love the Nanny?

FD:

(laughs) (more baby cries, dog barks, set shakes, with crashing noise)

SG:

(to himself) Zuda lord, I do love the Nanny! I can feel it deep inside, in my icky stuff. Every fibre, every iota of my magnificent being feels it!

Gleep (G):

Gibber gibber gibber. (subtitle: I love the Nanny)

Gloop (G):

Gibber gibber gibber gibber gibber. (subtitle: Though I'm but an iota of Space Ghost's being... I too love this Nanny.)

Announcer (A):

(dramatic organ music) So, this Space Ghost fella tell that Nanny girl he loves her? Will the Nanny feel, you know, likewise? Will that bug meet that actor fella he always talks about? And the other one, what's with him, ah, who knows?

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

Z:

Hey hey, ho ho, Space Ghost has got to go. (sign says "DESTROY ALL TALK SHOWS") (repeats chant in background while others talk)

SG:

(to himself) After lunch, we'll marry, in a simple ceremony. She'll grow to love the Ghost Planet after a while... (Zorak continues to chant) (aloud) Don't mind him, dearest. Labor dispute.

FD:

You can fire him, you're the star.

Z:

Hey hey, ... He can't fire me! I'm the hardest working mantis in show business! Hi-yo!

SG:

Forget him, my fair Nanny! He's but a lowly proletariat.

Z:

Actually, I'm Episcopalian.

SG:

(lounge music in background) You know, I've never met a woman guest quite like you before, Nanny.

FD:

Thank you, I know.

SG:

Oh yeah, I can sense quality in a female of the species when I scan for it.

Z:

(belches)

SG:

Zorak! There's a Nanny present! Watch your mouth!

Z:

I... I can't. It's... too underneathy.

SG:

(laughs)

FD:

(laughs) My husband says that...

SG:

Husband?

FD:

Right.

SG:

I'm sorry Nanny, but... good-bye.

FD:

(looking puzzled; screen zaps)

SG:

(melancholy violin music in background) Don't want no more of this cryin' game.

Z:

(taunting, in sing-song voice) Space Ghost loves the Nanny!

SG:

Do not!

Z:

Tainted love!

SG:

(sighs) I wonder what lucky citizen is her husband.

Z:

Don't you know, Space Ghost?

SG:

Mr. Belvedere? (Buzz!) Mr. French? (Buzz!)

Z:

You've never heard of Nanny and the Professor!!

SG:

No! No! It can't be true! (Fran Drescher's and Russell Johnson's images are superimposed over Space Ghost's head)

FD:

(laughs)

Russell Johnson (RJ):

Space man, space master...

SG:

MOTHER!!!!

RJ:

You getting it?

Carol Channing (CC):

(sings) "Helloooo, Space Ghost, well helloooo, Space Ghost..."

Z:

Ewww!

M:

Space Ghost! You got a Channing at three o'clock!

CC:

Hello, Space Ghost!

SG:

(dejected) Oh. Hello Carol. I'm sorry, but I don't feel up to this right now. I'm a downy clowny.

CC:

Oh, please come out of yourself.

SG:

(still dejected) Alright. I'll try. Carol, are you getting enough oxygen?

CC:

No, I haven't...

SG:

(with anxiety) Oh, what's the use!? I'm a fifty-car pile-up of misery!

Z:

The Nanny dumped Space Ghost!

SG:

Zorak!

CC:

How dare she, she was miffed, she was mad, she had gained ten pounds over the Christmas holidays, it was fruit cake.

SG:

I've... I've never known love, Carol.

CC:

You haven't, Space Ghost? You'd be divine!

SG:

I want to know what love is!

Z:

Love is watching Jack Klugman!

SG:

Is not!

CC:

Oh, yes it is! Also...

SG:

I want woman love!

Z:

You're pathetic. Be a man, be a Klug-man!

CC:

I think Space Ghost is strangely sweet.

SG:

Really? Thanks! I'm glad we had this little talk, Carol. I feel more confident now!

CC:

Oh, Space Ghost, I've enjoyed it.

SG:

Could I ask you to dinner after the show?

CC:

Oh, sure you could, we'd be cute together.

SG:

Really? We'd be cute? Say, would you go steady with me?

CC:

No.

(Zorak, Carol Channing, Moltar & Fran Drescher all laugh)

CC:

Ta ta! (zaps off screen)

SG:

Fine! Be that way! "Good-bye, Dolly!" Moltar! Next guest! (aside) I'll charm the pants off her. (aloud) Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Alice Cooper! (Alice appears, exchanges looks with Space Ghost, who is clearly puzzled)

Z:

Welcome to our nightmare, Alice! (laughs with Moltar)

Alice Cooper (AC):

Hello, Mr. Ghost, or is it Space?

SG:

You're not a woman, are you?

AC:

Oh no, no, not me.

SG:

But, but you have make-up on!

AC:

I was actually born with eye make-up on.

SG:

Achh! What the (Buzz!) is going on here?

AC:

Well, it's, uh...

SG:

Has society totally broken down?

AC:

I think that we all, uh...

SG:

Is nothing sacred? Is love a lie?

Z:

Space Ghost? I made you something. I think you need it.

SG:

(sniffs) What?

Z:

An ejector seat! Bonzai! (ejects Space Ghost through the ceiling into space)

AC:

(chuckles)

M:

Heh heh... Good one, dude.

SG:

(outside in space, talking to himself) Game over, man, game over. (Asteroid hits his head) Oww!

Z:

(at Space Ghost's desk) Prepare yourselves for Klugman!

AC:

Zorak?

Z:

Eh, we're short on time here, Alice dear, so chop off your head, or eat a rat, or something, so we can wrap this up.

AC:

You know, actually, I've never ever bitten or killed anything on stage.

Z:

Okay, Cooper, how much to get rid of you?

AC:

Million five, after the show.

Z:

Done and done. (cash register sound)

AC:

See ya, creeps.

SG:

(still outside, talking in John Wayne voice) No, Skinny, get away from that fence, Skinny.

Z:

Sam! Roll Klugman!

M:

Okay, Quince! (Jack Klugman is on control room monitor)

SG:

(still outside) Please, someone, anyone, tell me this is all just a horrible nightmare.

Z:

(Jack Klugman is on the studio monitor) No, it's not! Space Ghost's fifteen minutes of lame are up! Let the Klugman revolution begin! (evil laugh)

Zorak & Moltar (Z&M):

And now, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman!

(Credits roll, with Jack's picture on right side)

SG:

Good night, my little Nanny, wherever you are.

FD:

(laughs)

(Buzz!)

© 1995 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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