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Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

:WAITING

Donny Osmond (DO):

One, two, three, four, five, testing...

Space Ghost (SG):

Hey, do you think, uh, do you think I'd get more business or less business if as my Christmas gift I made up like 500 coffee mugs that say "Mr. Beefy"? (pause)

Zorak (Z):

Less!

Moltar (M):

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

SG:

Uh...

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

Z:

Less!

M:

More!

SG:

Gee, that's funny, 'cause I sent three baskets here to the Cartoon Network which everybody gobbled up and I never got "thank you" note one for...

Z:

See, less!

M:

That what you gonna do...

SG:

I sent these immense gargantuan disgustingly overloaded baskets... y'know... y'know what I'm gonna do then... next year... next year...

DO:

(taps microphone impatiently)

SG:

Comfy, Donny?

DO:

Let's do it. Now, I should be looking at you like this, who is this strange person, or is this kinda normal stuff?

SG:

This is totally serious.

DO:

Okay, any other characters that may be talking?

Z:

Nope, just me. (blink blink)

DO:

Besides Zorak?

Z:

What's wrong with my character?

DO:

Oh, there's the "Tar"... what's his name?

SG:

Moltar.

DO:

Moltar.

M:

Yep, monogamy's where it's at in the 90's.

SG:

He's a lava man.

DO:

(laughs)

SG:

Is that so funny to you?

DO:

Sure!

SG:

(frowns) feh.

(Opening music & titles)

(Space Ghost invisos in)

SG:

Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight, chart toppers David Byrne and Donny Osmond.

(At desk) My first guest is a most singular fellow. Please welcome David Byrne! (Monitor lowers)

David Byrne (DB):

Thank you very much for having me.

SG:

Welcome! So is this the...

DB:

(image does a "fast forward") (starts laughing)

SG:

David, are you having trouble with your power bands?

DB:

(laughs)

SG:

I just saw that you were having trouble with your power bands.

DB:

I'm... (image does a "fast forward" again) (laughs)

SG:

We can talk about it after the show.

DB:

Thank you.

SG:

(lowered voice) In a private room.

DB:

Uh... Oh my gosh... (super close-up of Space Ghost's face) I... uh, no.

SG:

All these retro punks with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their friggin' moist music, it... oh, I'm only kidding! I didn't say you were one... Oh, there you go, now you took offense... So, is this the first talk show you've ever been on?

DB:

(laughs)

SG:

In outer space, of course.

DB:

Yes it is, I hope it is not the last.

SG:

What do you mean by "it"?

DB:

(pause) I... Can I come back to that, I...

SG:

Sure.

DB:

Thank you.

SG:

So, what have you been doing?

DB:

I find myself...

Z:

(background) Living in a shotgun shed.

SG:

... lately?

DB:

Lately, I've been travelling in a bus.

SG:

How lately?

DB:

(pause) Being a ghost, does that mean that, uh, that you have lived in a previous life?

SG:

Before this one.

DB:

Yeah.

SG:

Right.

DB:

I like that, uh, I hope the same thing happens to me?

SG:

What thing?

DB:

I would like to live in another dimension.

SG:

We would all like to do something, David.

DB:

Yes, uh...

SG:

D'you know what I'd like to do, David? I'd like...

Z:

(interrupts) Ah, ah, I'd, I'd like to have artho... artho...

SG:

Butt out.

Z:

Knee surgery.

DB:

That's good.

SG:

You, David?

DB:

Yes, I would like to be cute and blonde.

SG:

Uh huh!

M:

(in control room) I'll take the ceramic poodle for 3000, the bumper pool table for 4200, uh, pocket calculator for 7.95, and, the rest on a gift certificate.

DB:

I can assume a horizontal position.

SG:

Uh, huh! Heh heh heh...

DB:

(laughs) For many weeks! (laughs)

SG:

Hee hee hee... wooo!

DB:

(hears heart beats; sees super close-up of Space Ghost again, looks down)

SG:

What about croutons, David? I love them on a light salad!

DB:

Not a crouton man, but I like to put them in a separate, separate dish.

SG:

Not a crouton man! (laughs)

DB:

You can have my croutons, and Bac-O's.

SG:

And how!

DB:

Maybe eat them later.

SG:

(voice is garbled) One, two, no, it's fine now. Hello, hello? Yep, now we're okay.

DB:

However, I find that in a salad they're used to inflate the size of the salad, much as if it were Styrofoam packing material.

SG:

Wow.

Z:

I need some packing material.

SG:

Why do you need some packing material?

Z:

To pack.

SG:

Pack what, Zorak?

Z:

Some things.

SG:

What kind of things?

Z:

Zorak things.

SG:

Oh, really?

DB:

(feeling left out) I myself am a creature from Scotland, and, uh...

Z:

Really.

SG:

Going somewhere?

Z:

Where?

DB:

From Scotland.

SG:

I said, going somewhere?

Z:

Oh, yeah.

DB:

I'm putting my insides on the outside...

SG:

Uh huh?

DB:

That's what it's about.

Z:

Uh huh.

DB:

Thank you very much for having me.

SG:

So this place you're going, you'll be needing a lot of "thangs".

DB:

I will, again and again.

Z:

Oh yeah, a lot of things.

SG:

Like ten things or maybe twelve?

DB:

I believe it was Moses who brought the Ten Condiments.

Z:

Sure, sure, maybe everything.

SG:

Everything, huh?

DB:

I would like to go...

Z:

Y'know, just in case.

DB:

If you don't mind.

SG:

Y'know, I don't think you'll be going anywhere...

DB:

Mr., Mr. Ghost...

SG:

(shouting) Since you're not allowed to leave!!! (pounds fist)

DB:

(looks on helplessly)

Z:

Ohhhhh, I think different.

SG:

(coyly) You forgot to pack something.

Z:

Huh? What?

SG:

(touches power band) This destructo ray.

DB:

(laughs)

Z:

Uh, no thanks.

SG:

(quietly) Oh, I think you need this destructo ray. (presses power band)

Z:

Eh... (BLAM!!!) (Zorak is crisped)

SG:

David, I forget... what do you like on your salad again?

DB:

(waving hands) Oh no, I still don't have an answer!

SG:

(impatient) Waiting...

DB:

Uh... Anything that makes my skin tingle.

SG:

Croutons are what make me tingly.

DB:

Yeah.

SG:

I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly.

DB:

I should hope so.

SG:

Before you go, is there anything you'd like to know about me?

DB:

Uh... (close-up of Space Ghost again)

SG:

Anything at all?

DB:

Uh...

SG:

About me? (super close-up of Space Ghost's mouth)

DB:

(close-up of his eyes)

SG:

David, you're bringin' me down, man! Zorak?

Z:

(still crisped) What?

SG:

You're bringin' me down, man! Moltar?

M:

Uh huh?

SG:

(quietly) Pssst, Moltar?

M:

Hi.

SG:

(normal voice) You're bringin' me down... (Moltar throws lever)

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

(low voice) We're in?

M:

Yep.

SG:

And you boys are rolling?

M:

Uh... yes.

SG:

And we're definitely in?

M:

Yes!

SG:

(normal voice) Okay. You're bringin' me down, man! (laughs) All righto! My next guest... (power tools in background) (talks louder) My next guest is Donny Osmond! (intro music) Hi, Donny. Welcome to the show.

DO:

Thank you, thank you Space Ghost.

SG:

Tell us what's new with you.

DO:

No no no no, I'm not doin' that.

SG:

Why not?

DO:

Because I've seen your show before, and I've seen what you do to your guests when they start plugging, you cut to people yawning, you cut to boring things while they talk about what they're doing, so I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to release my ...

(Cut to picture of panda)

Narrator (N):

Behold the wooly panda. It is plump and round. The nearby sound of a throttling chainsaw frightens him. 'Eek eek' says the panda.

(Cut back to studio)

DO:

... I'm not going to fall prey to your tricks here.

SG:

So Donny, is it true that... (construction noise gets louder) Ahem! So Donny, is it true that... Excuse me a second (flies off) (noise starts to die down)

DO:

How ya doin', Zorak?

Z:

How do I do what?

DO:

Hmm... (sings) Zorak, you're an idiot, I think you're so dumb...

Z:

("sings") Donny Osmond, Donny Osmond, Donny Donny Donny... feh.

DO:

Oh, I didn't know Zorak was a singer.

Z:

Zorak is many things.

DO:

Amazing.

Z:

Do you have five dollars?

DO:

No, do you?

Z:

I'll ask the questions here!

DO:

Okay. (pause) Next question.

Z:

Eh, listen, I'm in LA soon, so I need to sleep on your couch.

DO:

Okay.

Z:

For a whole month.

DO:

(shakes his head) No.

Z:

Why not? You afraid of me? Don't want me in your house?

DO:

Uh huh.

Z:

Afraid I might kick your butt! Jerk!

DO:

Get my agent on the phone, quick!

SG:

(flies back) They're building that "Birdman" set next door.

DO:

I'll kick his butt.

Z:

I'll kick your butt.

SG:

(laughing) Whoa, calm down, everybody!

DO:

I'll calm down now.

SG:

All right, sir, fair enough.

Z:

Donny Osmond... feh!

DO:

Okay, let's just do it.

SG:

One thing that's buggin' me. Who's your sister?

DO:

Marie.

SG:

Yeah. If Marie's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock and roll... What's the rest of you?

DO:

I guess if I'm a little bit rock and roll, the rest of me is composed of mostly water.

SG:

Liquid water.

DO:

It's truth.

SG:

Made from scratch?

DO:

Yeah.

SG:

All right. Being an Osmond, you must have many arch-enemies.

DO:

Enemies? Space Ghost, I'm Donny Osmond, I don't have enemies! (laughs)

SG:

How about that Bonaduce kid? I heard you two were in a big fight.

DO:

I punched him in the nose, and I won that fight.

SG:

(sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh! Johnny Confident! Fwhoosh!"

DO:

But it was fixed.

SG:

So you didn't win the fight.

DO:

I won the fight.

SG:

Sure, Donny.

DO:

(louder) Set it up again, we'll have a rematch! I'll beat him!

SG:

Like you did before.

DO:

(shouting) 'Cause I won that fight!

SG:

Okay, you won the fight, who cares?

DO:

(normal voice) I won the fight.

SG:

Okay!

DO:

Okay.

SG:

Anything else?

DO:

How, how did you get this show? Did you, did you audition for this or something?

SG:

(frowns)

DO:

I'm kidding you, I'll be nice, I'll be kind.

SG:

So, besides those teeth, what superpowers do you have?

DO:

Um, everybody said I can sing well.

SG:

Do it.

DO:

(sings)

SG:

Do you like croutons?

DO:

Nuts?

SG:

Croutons!

DO:

No, no, no, grapes, they're better.

SG:

Better for idiots.

DO:

(shrugs)

SG:

Does Marie eat grapes?

DO:

Why don't you get Marie on the show, let her...

SG:

Yeah, why don't we get Marie on the show? Moltar, I want Marie. (pounds fist) Call her agent.

M:

(sings) "How do you solve a problem like Marie-e?" Heh heh heh...

SG:

I don't watch that show.

M:

Okay.

DO:

Just have them call my agent, talk to my attorneys, we'll set something up.

SG:

I'm sure we can do this ourselves, Donny. This isn't our first barbecue.

DO:

Okay.

SG:

Hey, Donny, Donny, Donny, hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, Donny!

DO:

What?

SG:

(quieter) Where do we go when we die?

(Alarm bell starts ringing)

Space Ghost & Zorak (SG&Z):

Fire Drill!

(Credits roll, alarm bell continues to ring)

SG:

(sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh!"

© 1995 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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