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Original Air Date:August 3, 1995
Guest Stars:Sandra Bernhard, B. Palmer Mills

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

Space Ghost (SG): (sitting at desk, reading a speech) ... but most of all, I'd like to take a moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me, Space Ghost! Thank you, me!
Moltar (M): Ten seconds, Space Ghost.
SG: Okay, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now... first, the Cable Ace awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Shecky, Lulu, Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...
Brak (B): Hey!
SG: Aaugh!
B: All hail Brak!
SG: No!
B: Let Brak do the intro! Live from Ghost Planet, it's Brak!
SG: No!
B: Let Brak sing the theme!
SG: No, no, no, no!
B: La la la la la la la la la!
M: You're on!
(Opening theme & titles; Brak sings along)
SG: (Invisos in to set) Who let that little creep on? Didn't anyone listen to what I said? Didn't I just get through telling you, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby's...
Zorak (Z): Space Ghost!
SG: What?
M: Like, we're on the air, man!
SG: Er, uh, what? But, but I'm not ready! That, that little creep threw me off! Quick, start over!
M: What?
Z: You jerk, Space Ghost, we're live! You can't start over!
SG: Er, er, um, uh, well then, uh, everyone close your eyes!
Z: What?
SG: Close them!
Z: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)
SG: (to camera) You too, home Citizens! (screen goes black) (sound of drums, glass breaking, chicken squawking) Ow!
Z: Space Ghost!
SG: Okay now, open them!
Z: (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrusted shut! Help me! Help meeeee!
SG: (in low voice) Ten seconds and already this one's in the toilet. (normal voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Host! (laughs) Woopsie daisy! As you can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky (ripping sound)
Z: Wacky?
M: Kooky?
SG: And that's because tonight's show's a real doozy! My guests are sassy comedic chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and... wait a second... Moltar, is this right? A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?
M: His name is Palmer Mills... nice guy.
SG: An average citizen? On my doozy? Moltar, what gives?
M: Eh, we got him dirt cheap.
SG: (sighs) Uh, well, besides that star-studded line-up, we've added oodles of exciting new features to our show.
Z: What a load of...
SG: What's that, Zorak? What are these loads of excitement? Well, for starters, we have a live studio audience here in the studio! Completely live! (applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at the Ghost Planet, live! (phone rings) Not now!
do not call in...
this is a cartoon joke show
what are you, stupid?
SG: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice! (does double take) What?
Z: (evil laugh) Live!
SG: Not happening, funny boy.
Z: Rats!
Audience (A): (boos)
SG: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live studio audience. (shows audience full of mantises) Baba ghanoush, it's the lone audience of the apocalypse! Zorak, do you know these people?
Z: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Space Ghost?
Uncle Judy (UJ): (in Southern accent) Zo-rak! Zo-rak! Ovah heah!
Aunt Lars (AL): Hi, Zo-rak!
Z: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Judy, Aunt Lars. Uh, sorry about Raymond.
AL: That's okay, we was gonna eat him up anaway.
A: (laughter)
SG: I don't find that funny.
Z: Don't be such a jerk, Space Ghost.
SG: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!
Z: Oh, my, Space Jerk can count!
A: (laughter)
SG: Don't call me a jerk, Zorak! You... you... you jerk!
Z: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!
SG: No, you are!
Z: You are!
SG: You are!
Z: You are!
SG: Jerk!
Z: Jerk!
SG: Jerk!
Z: Jerk! (they both repeat "Jerk!" faster and faster)
SG: Enough... We've wasted too much award-winning time! Moltar, first guest! Get Sandra on!
M: Yeah, whatever. Jerk!
SG: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, star of her own multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Bernhard!
A: (applause)
M: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.
SG: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now I'll have to talk to that ordinary guest guy!
Salesman (S): (appears on monitor) For your free copy...
SG: (monitor changes again, shows Palmer Mills) Who's that?
M: It's your guest.
SG: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden variety non-celebrity citizen whoever.
Palmer Mills (PM): Glad to be with you today.
SG: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe Plainfolks. (condescending) So, you own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?
PM: I thought you'd ask that...
SG: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could bench press you from now 'til doomsday. What do you think of that, average citizen?
PM: (stunned silence) Well...
SG: Think it'll rain today? How about those Dallas Cowboys? Boxers or briefs?
PM: Well, that's a rather pointed question...
SG: Well, isn't that what you average citizens talk about, hmmmm, huh, hmmmm? Answer me!
Z: Space Ghost! He's a guest!
SG: Some guest he is! Look at him, he's mundaning up my whole show! How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph, pizzazz, joy d'vivre! Moltar! Is Sandra ready yet?!
M: Well, um... no.
SG: Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?
Caller 1 (C1): Actually, I wanted to ask Mr. Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
PM: Tim Allen... let's see, he doesn't, he doesn't have a store in our, our town.
A: (laughter)
M: (laughs)
Z: (laughs)
SG: Hey! I do the jokes here! Next caller! Hello? You're on the air with Space Ghost!
Caller 2 (C2): (actually Lokar) Hello? Hello?
SG: (recognizing that it's Lokar) Okay, I see how it is.
C2: Uh, hello, Mr. Mills? What would you suggest using for eradicating giant mantises?
Z: What! Is that you, Lokar?
PM: Sevin dust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great for it.
SG: Hmmm! Sevin dust in metal can. I'll have to remember that. Hey, you know something, Joe? That reminds me, maybe I should come to your store. I need to replace my... Orgone... Zargon... Zargonite...
Z: (laughs)
PM: Zorgonute Branch.
SG: I know how to say it, earthling! I am a talk show host, y'know. I know how to say things! I can say lots of things! Tuna fish! Parentheses! Coochie-coochie girl Charo! Zingnut Ranch!
PM: Zorgonute Branch.
SG: That cuts it, Hardware Boy! No skinny pink boy's gonna tell me how to say things on my show! Moltar! Get him off!
A: (boos)
Z: Sheesh! What a jerk!
SG: Everyone be quiet or I'll clear the room! Moltar! Sandra Bernhard, now!
M: She went out for... knishes.
SG: (pause) Okay, okay, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.
B: (appears on monitor) Hail, Brak!
M: Hail, Brak!
A: Hail, Brak!
SG: Not Brak, break! Break!
A: Hail Brak! Hail Brak! Hail Brak! ...
SG: (sighs) I'm an unhappy space man...
M: (in control room) Sorry about SG, man, he's, he's bein' a real jerk today.
PM: I was a little bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
M: Oh, no, no, you were great, you were great. Are we still on for going fishin'? Is this weekend good for you?
PM: Any time, any time.
A: (applause)
SG: Zorak! I'm warning you!
Z: (makes raspberry sound)
M: Ix-nay, Ost-ghay.
SG: Oh, hi! Heh heh, we're back to the show, where any day now my guest will be the lovely Sandra Bernhard. In the meantime, let's take some more calls, from you, the viewers. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller 3 (C3): Hello, can I, can I speak to Mr. Mills?
SG: Sorry, he's off the show. Next!
Caller 4 (C4): Uh, yes, I have a question for Miss Bernhard.
SG: Sorry, she's not in yet. Do you have a question or comment for me?
C4: (hangs up, off-hook busy signal)
SG: (sullen) Doesn't anyone want to speak to me? I'm the host... (angry) Next caller!
Caller 5 (C5): (sexy female voice) Hello, Zorak?
Z: Yes?
C5: Play "Misty" for me.
Z: Aaaagghhhh!
SG: Next caller!
Caller 6 (C6): Is your refrigerator running?
SG: What a stupid question! Of course it is!
C6: Better go catch it!
A: (laughter)
M: (laughs)
Z: (laughs)
SG: I don't get it. What's so darn funny?
Z: What a jerk!
SG: Hello!
Caller 7 (C7): Paging Space Ghost!
SG: You! Haven't I told you never to call me here? Moltar! Hang up!
M: (throws switch)
SG: Next caller.
Caller 8 (C8): (actually Jan and Jace) (off-hook busy signal) Jerk!
SG: Next call!
Caller 9 (C9): Hello? Mr. Tad Ghostal?
SG: Heh! It's for me! Yes, Citizen?
C9: Mr. Ghostal, I'm calling about your long distance service.
SG: Ack! Not interested!
C9: If I could just have a moment of your time...
SG: Blow off, wage slave.
C9: (shocked) Jerk! (slams receiver)
Z: Why are you such a jerk tonight, Space Ghost? Is it the loneliness?
SG: Well...
A: (laughter)
SG: Hey! I'm not lonely! And I'm not a jerk!
Z: Yes, yes! You're the loneliest jerkiest jerk! You're King Jerk!
SG: Zorak!
A: (laughter throughout)
Z: Lord Jerk! Emperor Jerk! Pope of the Jerks!!
SG: Zorak!
Z: Jerk-meister, jerk-arino, jerk-enstein, jerk-o, beef-jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy, jerk-a-mundo!
SG: Zorak, I am rubber, Zorak, and you are glue!
Z: Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!
SG: (phone rings) Moltar! The phone!
M: (laughs)
SG: Moltar!
M: (still laughing) What?
SG: The phone!
M: Oh, yeah, can you get that?
SG: Oh, okay (answers the phone) Hello? (no response) Hello!
Chad Ghostal (CG): Hello, Tad!
SG: That, that voice!
CG: Do you know who this is, Taddy-kins?
SG: Good Lord! I know that voice! But it can't be! You're...
CG: In the asylum? Oh no, Taddy boy, not anymore! I escaped last night!
SG: Eh, uh, now look, Chad...
Z: Chad? Who's Chad?
SG: Ohhh, just evil, pure and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss it.
Z: Evil Chad?
SG: No, he's my... (dramatic sting music) evil twin!
Z: Evil twin?
SG: Yes, my evil twin! Chad Ghostal! Doesn't everyone have an evil twin?
M: No.
Z: Not me, brother.
PM: No, no, no.
SG: (pause) Ah, we walk alike, we talk alike...
Z: What a crazy pair!
SG: Then, one day, a hot dog made him lose control.
CG: (still on phone) Tad, do you remember when we were young, how I would make you cry. The ropes, Tad, remember the ropes? How I'd twist them and twist them, and keep twisting them until...
SG: (nervous laughter) Can't talk now, Chad, got a talk show to do, you know. (invisos out)
CG: Wait for me, Tad, wait for me, I'll be right over! (evil laugh) (hangs up, off-hook busy signal)
Z: (long pause while everyone looks in shock at the empty studio) Uh, Space Ghost,
SG: (still inviso'ed out) Uh, yeah?
Z: Is your evil twin a jerk too?
A: (laughter)
SG: (invisos back in) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Bug! You don't want me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Bug?
Z: "Mr. Funny Bug"?
A: (in unison) "Mr. Funny Bug"?
Sandra Bernhard (SB): (now on screen) (laughs) (exchanges stares with Zorak)
SG: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
SB: (stares at Zorak)
SG: (pause) Sandra! Moltar, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Uh, hello, Citizen Sandra! It's about time. I mean, welcome to the show!
A: (applause)
SB: Wow!
Z: Hey Sandra, what do you call Space Ghost drinking a root beer?
SB: Um...
Z: A soda jerk!
A: (laughter)
SG: Hey! I want a big laugh like Zorak! Moltar, get me a big laugh!
M: (throws switch, a really feeble single voice laugh comes out)
SG: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, uh, Sandra, tell me about your super-powers.
SB: My super-power?
SG: Yes, yes, your super-powers!
SB: I can psychically read every thought inside of your mind right now, if you have any... wait, I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
SG: (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need food, I'd love some tacos, mmmmm, chicken tacos! Refried beans!)
SB: Love some tacos, chicken tacos, refried beans... And a chimichanga!
SG: Aaaaah! She's scanning me!
SB: (laughs)
SG: Sandra, stop that! Get out of my mind! You're freaking me out!
SB: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?
Z: She's alright!
M: She is alright!
Z: That girl's al-l-l-right! She's real people!
SG: Ehhhh, yeah.
SB: That's one of my super-powers.
SG: Ahem! Let's take a call for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air!
Caller 10 (C1): (heavy breathing) Sandra, can you tell what I'm thinking?
SB: Oh, I know what you're thinking, I can't talk about it on the Cartoon Network.
SG: Let's have some serious calls, please! Next caller! Hello?
Caller 11 (C1): (actually Brak) Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
SB: (laughs)
SG: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with Sandra Bernhard!
Caller 12 (C1): Um, yeah, what's, uh, what's on after this? I, I lost my TV Guide.
SG: Next caller!
Caller 13 (C1): (female voice) Yeah, can I see your muscles?
SG: Why, of course! Admire my wonderful...
C1: Not yours, hers, you jerk!
SG: Oh.
SB: (rolls up sleeve) Okay, well, I'm not going to show you all of them, but I will show you this one. (flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?
SG: (sarcastically) Yeah, great, Sandra. Next!
Z: Jerk!
Caller 14 (C1): Mr. Tad Ghostal? This is Herb Mosh of the IRS...
SG: Moltar! Next call!
C1: Hello? (feedback increases)
SG: Caller, turn down your set!
C1: Hello-o-o?
SG: What's wrong with you people? Next caller, now!
Caller 15 (C1): The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream, scream for your lives!
Z: (screams)
M: (screams)
A: (all scream)
SG: (screams)
SB: Wow!
SG: Everyone all right?
Z: Yeah, I think so.
SG: Sandra, years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, ple-e-ease, be kind!
S: (appears on monitor) Oh, there we are... (zaps off again)
B: (appears on monitor) All hail Brak!
SG: All right! That's it! I've had it! Moltar! Stop the tape!
B: Waaaahhh! You hurt Brak's feelings!
SG: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! Get out! Get out, all of you! The show's over! Out with you!
A: (booing and grumbling)
Z: Good luck getting an award for this one, Space Ghost!
SG: I don't care! I don't need any awards! I don't need any of you! I'm Space Ghost, the rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9-to-5 nobodies! You're all cannon fodder, you hear? You're the guys in red shirts on "Star Trek". Get out! (sound of everyone leaving the studio) Well, I sure blew it. I'll never get any awards after this fiasco! Never never never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk! (pause) Why, it sure is creepy in here, with no one around. (pause) Hey! If I'm all alone here... then who's behind the camera?
CG: Hello there... Tad! (evil laugh)
SG: (gasps)
(Credits roll)
Z: She's alright!
M: She is alright!

Sandra Bernhard
B. Palmer Mills
Evan Dorkin
Sarah Dyer
Bill Wilner
(inverted) Tom Roche
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Brad Abelle
Andy Merrill
Tracy Rowland
Pat Piper
Bill Wilner
Keith Crofford
Johanna Stolz
Khaki Jones
Barry Mills
Mickey Dubrow
Chip Duffey
C. Martin Croker
Roy Clements
Kaili Rubin
Gus Jordan
Barry Mills
Michael Cahill
Mark Mooney
Alex Toth
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford
Michael Lazzo

© 1995 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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