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Original Air Date:February 1, 1996
Guest Stars:Terry Jones, Glen Phillips

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed


(In the control room)

Lokar: My guests will be strictly A-list. Buckley, Sununu, Powell, Hasselhoff...

Moltar: Hmmm...

Lokar: None of the hoi polloi you get here.

Moltar: Mmm hmmm...

Lokar: I call this show "Insects Aside". We'll sound off on any number of galactic conundrums whilst gorging ourselves on mantis larvae hors d'oeuvres.

Moltar: It sounds... glorious.

Lokar: So what say you? Do I have my direc-tor?

Moltar: Eh, I wanna guest host. (pulls lever to start up show)

Lokar: Oh, well, eh, I'm afraid we don't have enough chairs.

Moltar: Eh, how about good dental?

Lokar: Done and done, my good man.

Moltar: Aaaand... fifty-two weeks vacation?

Lokar: R-r-right, then!

(Space Ghost and Zorak start bickering on a little window on the corner of Moltar's screen)

Moltar: Yeah, that's a, that's a good one. Oh, and, uhhhh, a nice, sharp cheddar cheese.

Lokar: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... we're cancelling you.

(In the studio, Space Ghost and Zorak are shooting at each other)

Space Ghost: Aaaahhh!! (gets blasted)

Terry Jones: Can we, can we get some royalties on those quotes?

(In the control room)

Moltar: Soooo... what happens to the Ghost?

Lokar: He can replace you with that impetuous younger brother of his.

Moltar: You mean... Speed Racer?

(In the studio)

Terry Jones: Oh! Uh.. me neither, Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: I dare you ma- (gets hit again) Aaaaahhh!!

Terry Jones: Uh huh, yes.

Space Ghost: Just let me get situated here. (fires at and crisps Zorak)

Terry Jones: You ready?

Space Ghost: Uh huh. You okay there?

Terry Jones: Oh, I'm all right, you ready?

Space Ghost: Sure.

Terry Jones: Ni! ... I got you! Got you!

Space Ghost: (laughs) Oh God, where am I gonna find the money for my house- (gets shot again) Aaahh!!

(Opening theme & titles)

Space Ghost: (invisos in to set, exhales) Greetings! (coughs) Welcome to my show! (coughs) On tonight's show, we have former Monty Pythonite Terry Jones. (coughs)

Zorak: Stupid git.

Space Ghost: As well as Glen Phillips of "Toad the Wet Sprocket". And now for someone completely indifferent.

(Space Ghost and Zorak stare at each other, with no response)

Space Ghost: (laughs) You slur me and I'll put you in the trunk of my car.

(Space Ghost and Zorak stare at each other some more)

(Christy plays Space Ghost to the desk with his drums)

Space Ghost: Alrighty! It's fun time, America! Put the cares of the day behind you, it's time for fun! Please welcome my first guest, Terry Jones!

(Monitor lowers from ceiling with Terry)

Terry Jones: Hi, Space Ghost, nice to be here.

Space Ghost: Jones, Jones, Jones... French, is it?

Terry Jones: Well, you could say that, and here I am!

Space Ghost: And I did, my little limey friend. Have you been to that place in France where well, er, eh, well, you know... (blushes) the girls, uhhmm.. (chuckles), apparently they...

Terry Jones: (smirking) Mmmmmmmm?

Space Ghost: (in a low voice) Undress. (Terry Jones looks shocked) Naked. Naked girls.

Terry Jones: Well, we have, Space Ghost-

Space Ghost: Ooo, wow!

Terry Jones: -now it's your turn.

Space Ghost: To undress?

Terry Jones: I'm afraid so, yes.

Zorak: Ohhhhh, la vache..

Space Ghost: You're speaking another language.

Terry Jones: Ooh! I just lost you, Space Ghost, I'm sorry.

Space Ghost: Terry, answer me these questions three.

Terry Jones: (reaching towards back of neck) Hang on.

Space Ghost: Terry, answer me these questions three.

(Someone fixes Terry's microphone)

Space Ghost: Maybe it was somebody walking by, you never know.

Terry Jones: Oh, I've got you Space Ghost, yes, sorry about that, ohhh...

Space Ghost: Terry, answer me these questions three.

Terry Jones: They were three, three in a row, there.

Space Ghost: Uh, right. What is your secret identity?

Terry Jones: Tongueman! Yes, I-

Space Ghost: Tongueman, what is your quest?

Terry Jones: To tell you about Lady Covington's pressed fairy book. Because it's really one of the most remarkable finds this century, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Now, Tongueman, because it's really one of the most remarkable finds of the century, who was the composer of the Warsaw Piano Concerto?

Terry Jones: Ahhhh. I'm glad you asked that question, Space Ghost. Now, I had to play the Warsaw Piano Concerto, while escaping from seven padlocks and a, and a sack.

Space Ghost: Right. Who was the composer of the Warsaw Piano Concerto?

Terry Jones: Well...

(In the control room)

Lokar: Stanislaus Richter, clown.

(In the studio)

Space Ghost: Need some time to think about this?

Terry Jones: Well...

Space Ghost: Now?

Terry Jones: Eddie George, the governor of the Bank of England.

Space Ghost: Eddie George, uh, I think so, probably.

(Zorak and Space Ghost stare at each other)

Space Ghost: Eddie George? Boys, is it just me, I mean I, I don't want to force anybody's hand here, but, uh...

(Zorak and Space Ghost continue to stare at each other)

Space Ghost: ... I'm beefy, aren't I?

(Everyone continues staring. Terry finally nods)

Space Ghost: I am beefy tonight. Most beefy indeed. (long pause) Earlier, you mentioned Lady Covington's pressed fairy book. Any monkeys in that?

Terry Jones: There are some monkeys in this.

Space Ghost: Are they cute monkeys, or... scary monkeys?

Terry Jones: Mmmm..

Space Ghost: Y'know, Terry, the muscle ratio in cute monkeys is seven to one.

Terry Jones: Ah hah.

Space Ghost: But you wouldn't know it from looking at them... Would you?

Terry Jones: (laughs) No.

(Uncomfortable pause)

Space Ghost: (low voice) In scary monkeys, it's nine to one.

Terry Jones: How about that! Hoo! (long pause) Nearly as interesting as my history of the Crusades! (holds up & plugs his book)

Space Ghost: Ya done?

(In the control room)

Lokar: Yes yes yes, the corner office, the parking space, the cheese tray, I believe it's all covered in the contract.

Moltar: Okay...

Lokar: Now then, do we have a deal?

Moltar: Ihh, not so fast. I need to send the contract to my agent.

Lokar: Agent? Who is your agent?

Moltar: The funny "Ultra 7" guy.

Lokar: The funny "Ultra 7" guy?! Ohhh, I love the funny "Ultra 7" guy! Kiss him for me!

(In the studio)

Space Ghost: What superpowers do you have?

Terry Jones: Well, there's only one, but I can't tell you about it.

Space Ghost: You can tell me.

Terry Jones: Oh, it's, no, it's, it's a bit rude.

Space Ghost: (laughs) You can tell me.

Terry Jones: No no no no, Space Ghost, it's very rude.

Space Ghost: You can tell me!

Terry Jones: Nnnnn.. no, no.

Space Ghost: I command you to tell me!

Terry Jones: I can touch every part of my body with my tongue.

Space Ghost: (stunned silence)

Zorak: Beeeeueuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppp!

Terry Jones: Stop there, villain! (lashes out tongue at Zorak) Mmmmmm!

Space Ghost: Well, you must have impeccable taste! (laughs)

Terry Jones: And, and a way with women, I believe.

Space Ghost: What do you mean?

Terry Jones: (raises eyebrows)

Space Ghost: Oh, uh, I see. Did you Monty Python men ever get really angry when you found out Benny Hill was getting all the girls?

Terry Jones: (mincing) Oh, we was livid! Oh, we used to stamp our little feet! Oh, you should've seen us!

Space Ghost: (imitating Terry) We was livid! we used to stamp our little feet!

Terry Jones: We never got any chicks, I have to say, you know. Well, except, you know, except, except our wives, of course.

Space Ghost: Okay, so if Benny Hill got the girls, and your wives got the chicks, what did you guys get?

Terry Jones: Oh, we got the queen, so we must be better off than everybody else.

Zorak: Eh, Fergie!

Space Ghost: And the other two, what's their name?

Terry Jones: Charles and Di?!

Space Ghost: Ummmm... no, no no no, there's, there's the other guy, there's the guy with, with the, the sandwich, and then there's the lady, uh, Mrs. Thing, whatever, with the, with the hat, and the, the dogs-

Terry Jones: (laughs)

Space Ghost: You know, there's, uh, what's her name, uh, Queen Labyrinth of, uhh, Scottdale, or whatever, and-

Terry Jones: Ho, no, no.

Space Ghost: And there's, there's Lord, Lord Fishtoe of, of, you know, the, the royal guy!

Terry Jones: Heh, no, no, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: You know, the.. ihh, you know, the one I'm talking about, the one with, he's got the tie, and the, the nose...

Zorak: Freddie Mercury!

Space Ghost: (to Zorak) Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Right, right now. C'mon. In here..

Terry Jones: Well, I think it looks like they're not getting on together, you know, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: No, no no no no no, they're quite happy!

Zorak: Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia let me go-

Space Ghost: (French accent) Have you ever met the Royal family?

Terry Jones: (old lady's voice) Ehhhmm, no, I never have, jove, I've never met 'er. I've never met a member of the Royal fam- Oh, I did go to a Royal, uh, garden party once. Heh! Queen's garden party, Buckingham Palace, I went to it, yes-

Zorak: Did they serve egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and spam, egg bacon and spam, egg bacon sausage and spam-

Space Ghost: Spam, spam, spam, spam-

Terry Jones: Ahhh! spam, lovely spam, ohhhh lovely spam-

Zorak: Spam, spam, beef and spam-

(In the control room)

Moltar: Spam, spam, spam, spam-

Lokar: Oh, yes, I see how difficult it would be to leave all this behind.

Moltar: Spam, spam, spam..

(In the studio)

Terry Jones: I always thought it ought to have a little bit more verse to it than that. I mean, that's all there is, really.

Space Ghost: (singing) "If I could save spam in a bottle..." (thunderous applause) Thank you! "Start spreading the spam..." Yeah! "Take the last train to Spamville..." "The sun'll come out..." (makes melody by making rude noises with his hand) Thank you!

Terry Jones: Ahh! That sounds more interesting!

Space Ghost: It's not more interesting, Tongueman. It's brilliant. Brilliant!

Zorak: Brilliant!

Space Ghost: (singing) "Incense, peppermints, a big can of spam-"

Zorak: Brilliant!

Space Ghost: "Made with hog's snouts, it's not ham-"

(In the control room)

Ultra 7 Guy: Well, hunky dory down to clause B-17, additional duties. According to this, my client is responsible for heating your personal swimming pool, entombing Hollywood and all of its citizenry in molten lava, and promoting your show during shopping mall appearances with cast members of "The Real World"!

Lokar: I believe it's all standard, lover. I'm sorry, Moltar, regr-r-rettably I must depart. Can't keep the "House of Style" people waiting, you know. I'll r-r-return in a jiffy! Do try to have an answer for me. Kiss kiss, lover. (breaks connection)

Moltar: No Puck. Forget that guy.



Space Ghost: (British accent) Hello.

Zorak: (stares back)

Space Ghost: (normal voice) It's just the way I talk, I'm sorry. (to audience) We're back here at the Ghost Planet talking with Terry Jones! Terry, who is your favorite cartoon character? (looks at camera, his smile sparkles)

Terry Jones: Well, apart from you, I think it's probably Space Ghost, I think.

Space Ghost: Hey, good answer! You know, that little toad Maris called me a dumb cartoon character.

Terry Jones: Space Ghost, don't think of yourself like that, Space Ghost, please don't think of yourself like that! Look on the bright side, you're not a dumb cartoon, you're, you're articulate, you're, you're very, very cartoony, and... and very animated!

Space Ghost: Very masculine.

Terry Jones: As a cartoon character, you're... you're it, as far as I'm concerned.

Space Ghost: That's right. I'm it.

Terry Jones: Can I, can I lick you... Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: You can lick me anytime, Tongueman.

Terry Jones: (licks Space Ghost)

Zorak: I want a lick!

Space Ghost: No, Zorak. Bandleaders don't get licks.

Terry Jones: It's the first time I've ever licked a cartoon. Ugh.

Zorak: Come on, lick me!

Space Ghost: No lick, Zorak. (aims power bands) (French accent) I shall not tell you a second time!

Zorak: Come on, lick meeeee, I wanna lick!

Space Ghost: Look, Zorak, I'm not going to argue with you about this. You don't get a lick and that's the end of it.

Zorak: Fine.

Space Ghost: And I'm definitely not going to argue about this with you.

Zorak: Okay.

Space Ghost: No matter what.

Zorak: Got it.

Space Ghost: No arguments. (pause) Got a problem with that, Zorak?

Zorak: No problem.

Space Ghost: And that's the end of it.

Zorak: Yep.

Space Ghost: And, I don't want to hear another peep out of you.

Zorak: (blink blink)

Space Ghost: Got me?

Zorak: (blink blink)

Space Ghost: (finally loses it, and crisps Zorak) Got me, bug? Okay, then. Terry, what do you uuweufhaslhlchlajvj..

Terry Jones: Oh, I've unplugged you again, Space Ghost. (laughs) Sorry about this!

Space Ghost: You wore funny clothes and said "wohsajemfenvneioeuh"

Terry Jones: In my excitement I've clicked, I've unclicked the... what was it...

Space Ghost: underjswwoel uhh, Terry? Moltar, what's wrong with Terry!?

(In the control room)

Moltar: Now that includes a 401(k) plan, right?

Lokar: I do wish to see your face one day.

Space Ghost: (invisos in to control room) Lokar!

Lokar: Oh look, it's Captain Cliché!

Space Ghost: Where?

Lokar: You, you fool! And your horse, and your mum. Your big fat mum.

Space Ghost: Well that's funny like crutches, Lokar, but loud actions speak words, and it looks like you've got your wall back, because a bird in the hand is worth this destructo-ray! (he zaps Lokar on the monitor)

Lokar: Aaaaoaooohhhhohh! loverrrrrr...!! (fades away into static)

(In the studio)

Space Ghost: (invisos back to desk) My next guest is a musician! Please welcome Glen Phillips of "Toad the Wet Sprocket"!

Glen Phillips: Hello, how are you?

Space Ghost: Citizen Glen, the name of your band comes from a Monty Python skit! What a coincidence!

Glen Phillips: Uh... Ambidextrous Rex, the electric triangle player for "Toad the Wet Sprocket", had his elbow removed following their recent worldwide tour of Finland.

Space Ghost: Hmm... Well, we're out of time! Thanks for watching! Good night! (taps his card impatiently) Moltar, are we clear? (whistles) So, what's going on, Zorak?

Zorak: (still crisped) Ihh, we're going to Dothen on Saturday for pleasure.

Space Ghost: Mmmmm! They have them factory outlets there! (pause) You know, I really enjoy dense food. (pause) If it was like a choice between a flaky pastry, or a muffin... (pause) it would be the muffin, no contest. (pause) You know what's good, is cheese. That'll block you up. (pause) You hate when I do this, don't you?

Zorak: Yep.

(Credits roll)

Space Ghost: (makes rude hand noises again)

(At the Ghost Planet commissary)

Moltar: I want a chair. I want to sit down for a change. I want a chair that says "Moltar", and it'll be Moltar's chair. It'll be beautiful. That's what I want.

Zorak: If he gets a chair, I get a puppy!

Space Ghost: All right, my little unhappy monkeys.

(Slowly turning Ghost Planet over BBC-style "Cartoon Network" lettering)

John Peel: (voice-over) Coming up next on the Cartoon Network, the Ghost Planet will explode.

(beep beep beep beep beep BLAMMM!!!)

Terry Jones
Glen Phillips
Rob Thomas
Alan Laddie
Michael Cahill
(inverted) Tom Roche
Sonny Sharrock
Eddie Horst
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Andy Merrill
John Peel
C. Martin Croker
Roy Clements
Tim Schnack
Kaili Rubin
Gus Jordan
Robin Agranoff
Joshua Katz
Dave Willis
Keith & Sam
Alex Toth
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford
Michael Lazzo

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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