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:WAITING

(In the control room)

Lokar (L):

My guests will be strictly A-list. Buckley, Sununu, Powell, Hasselhoff...

Moltar (M):

Hmmm...

L:

None of the hoi polloi you get here.

M:

Mmm hmmm...

L:

I call this show "Insects Aside". We'll sound off on any number of galactic conundrums whilst gorging ourselves on mantis larvae hors d'oeuvres.

M:

It sounds... glorious.

L:

So what say you? Do I have my direc-tor?

M:

Eh, I wanna guest host. (pulls lever to start up show)

L:

Oh, well, eh, I'm afraid we don't have enough chairs.

M:

Eh, how about good dental?

L:

Done and done, my good man.

M:

Aaaand... fifty-two weeks vacation?

L:

R-r-right, then!

(Space Ghost and Zorak start bickering on a little window on the corner of Moltar's screen)

M:

Yeah, that's a, that's a good one. Oh, and, uhhhh, a nice, sharp cheddar cheese.

L:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... we're cancelling you.

(In the studio, Space Ghost and Zorak are shooting at each other)

Space Ghost (SG):

Aaaahhh!! (gets blasted)

Terry Jones (TJ):

Can we, can we get some royalties on those quotes?

(In the control room)

M:

Soooo... what happens to the Ghost?

L:

He can replace you with that impetuous younger brother of his.

M:

You mean... Speed Racer?

(In the studio)

TJ:

Oh! Uh.. me neither, Space Ghost!

SG:

I dare you ma- (gets hit again) Aaaaahhh!!

TJ:

Uh huh, yes.

SG:

Just let me get situated here. (fires at and crisps Zorak)

TJ:

You ready?

SG:

Uh huh. You okay there?

TJ:

Oh, I'm all right, you ready?

SG:

Sure.

TJ:

Ni! ... I got you! Got you!

SG:

(laughs) Oh God, where am I gonna find the money for my house- (gets shot again) Aaahh!!

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in to set, exhales) Greetings! (coughs) Welcome to my show! (coughs) On tonight's show, we have former Monty Pythonite Terry Jones. (coughs)

Zorak (Z):

Stupid git.

SG:

As well as Glen Phillips of "Toad the Wet Sprocket". And now for someone completely indifferent.

(Space Ghost and Zorak stare at each other, with no response)

SG:

(laughs) You slur me and I'll put you in the trunk of my car.

(Space Ghost and Zorak stare at each other some more)

(Christy plays Space Ghost to the desk with his drums)

SG:

Alrighty! It's fun time, America! Put the cares of the day behind you, it's time for fun! Please welcome my first guest, Terry Jones!

(Monitor lowers from ceiling with Terry)

TJ:

Hi, Space Ghost, nice to be here.

SG:

Jones, Jones, Jones... French, is it?

TJ:

Well, you could say that, and here I am!

SG:

And I did, my little limey friend. Have you been to that place in France where well, er, eh, well, you know... (blushes) the girls, uhhmm.. (chuckles), apparently they...

TJ:

(smirking) Mmmmmmmm?

SG:

(in a low voice) Undress. (Terry Jones looks shocked) Naked. Naked girls.

TJ:

Well, we have, Space Ghost-

SG:

Ooo, wow!

TJ:

-now it's your turn.

SG:

To undress?

TJ:

I'm afraid so, yes.

Z:

Ohhhhh, la vache..

SG:

You're speaking another language.

TJ:

Ooh! I just lost you, Space Ghost, I'm sorry.

SG:

Terry, answer me these questions three.

TJ:

(reaching towards back of neck) Hang on.

SG:

Terry, answer me these questions three.

(Someone fixes Terry's microphone)

SG:

Maybe it was somebody walking by, you never know.

TJ:

Oh, I've got you Space Ghost, yes, sorry about that, ohhh...

SG:

Terry, answer me these questions three.

TJ:

They were three, three in a row, there.

SG:

Uh, right. What is your secret identity?

TJ:

Tongueman! Yes, I-

SG:

Tongueman, what is your quest?

TJ:

To tell you about Lady Covington's pressed fairy book. Because it's really one of the most remarkable finds this century, Space Ghost.

SG:

Now, Tongueman, because it's really one of the most remarkable finds of the century, who was the composer of the Warsaw Piano Concerto?

TJ:

Ahhhh. I'm glad you asked that question, Space Ghost. Now, I had to play the Warsaw Piano Concerto, while escaping from seven padlocks and a, and a sack.

SG:

Right. Who was the composer of the Warsaw Piano Concerto?

TJ:

Well...

(In the control room)

L:

Stanislaus Richter, clown.

(In the studio)

SG:

Need some time to think about this?

TJ:

Well...

SG:

Now?

TJ:

Eddie George, the governor of the Bank of England.

SG:

Eddie George, uh, I think so, probably.

(Zorak and Space Ghost stare at each other)

SG:

Eddie George? Boys, is it just me, I mean I, I don't want to force anybody's hand here, but, uh...

(Zorak and Space Ghost continue to stare at each other)

SG:

... I'm beefy, aren't I?

(Everyone continues staring. Terry finally nods)

SG:

I am beefy tonight. Most beefy indeed. (long pause) Earlier, you mentioned Lady Covington's pressed fairy book. Any monkeys in that?

TJ:

There are some monkeys in this.

SG:

Are they cute monkeys, or... scary monkeys?

TJ:

Mmmm..

SG:

Y'know, Terry, the muscle ratio in cute monkeys is seven to one.

TJ:

Ah hah.

SG:

But you wouldn't know it from looking at them... Would you?

TJ:

(laughs) No.

(Uncomfortable pause)

SG:

(low voice) In scary monkeys, it's nine to one.

TJ:

How about that! Hoo! (long pause) Nearly as interesting as my history of the Crusades! (holds up & plugs his book)

SG:

Ya done?

(In the control room)

L:

Yes yes yes, the corner office, the parking space, the cheese tray, I believe it's all covered in the contract.

M:

Okay...

L:

Now then, do we have a deal?

M:

Ihh, not so fast. I need to send the contract to my agent.

L:

Agent? Who is your agent?

M:

The funny "Ultra 7" guy.

L:

The funny "Ultra 7" guy?! Ohhh, I love the funny "Ultra 7" guy! Kiss him for me!

(In the studio)

SG:

What superpowers do you have?

TJ:

Well, there's only one, but I can't tell you about it.

SG:

You can tell me.

TJ:

Oh, it's, no, it's, it's a bit rude.

SG:

(laughs) You can tell me.

TJ:

No no no no, Space Ghost, it's very rude.

SG:

You can tell me!

TJ:

Nnnnn.. no, no.

SG:

I command you to tell me!

TJ:

I can touch every part of my body with my tongue.

SG:

(stunned silence)

Z:

Beeeeueuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppp!

TJ:

Stop there, villain! (lashes out tongue at Zorak) Mmmmmm!

SG:

Well, you must have impeccable taste! (laughs)

TJ:

And, and a way with women, I believe.

SG:

What do you mean?

TJ:

(raises eyebrows)

SG:

Oh, uh, I see. Did you Monty Python men ever get really angry when you found out Benny Hill was getting all the girls?

TJ:

(mincing) Oh, we was livid! Oh, we used to stamp our little feet! Oh, you should've seen us!

SG:

(imitating Terry) We was livid! we used to stamp our little feet!

TJ:

We never got any chicks, I have to say, you know. Well, except, you know, except, except our wives, of course.

SG:

Okay, so if Benny Hill got the girls, and your wives got the chicks, what did you guys get?

TJ:

Oh, we got the queen, so we must be better off than everybody else.

Z:

Eh, Fergie!

SG:

And the other two, what's their name?

TJ:

Charles and Di?!

SG:

Ummmm... no, no no no, there's, there's the other guy, there's the guy with, with the, the sandwich, and then there's the lady, uh, Mrs. Thing, whatever, with the, with the hat, and the, the dogs-

TJ:

(laughs)

SG:

You know, there's, uh, what's her name, uh, Queen Labyrinth of, uhh, Scottdale, or whatever, and-

TJ:

Ho, no, no.

SG:

And there's, there's Lord, Lord Fishtoe of, of, you know, the, the royal guy!

TJ:

Heh, no, no, Space Ghost.

SG:

You know, the.. ihh, you know, the one I'm talking about, the one with, he's got the tie, and the, the nose...

Z:

Freddie Mercury!

SG:

(to Zorak) Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Right, right now. C'mon. In here..

TJ:

Well, I think it looks like they're not getting on together, you know, Space Ghost.

SG:

No, no no no no no, they're quite happy!

Z:

Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia let me go-

SG:

(French accent) Have you ever met the Royal family?

TJ:

(old lady's voice) Ehhhmm, no, I never have, jove, I've never met 'er. I've never met a member of the Royal fam- Oh, I did go to a Royal, uh, garden party once. Heh! Queen's garden party, Buckingham Palace, I went to it, yes-

Z:

Did they serve egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and spam, egg bacon and spam, egg bacon sausage and spam-

SG:

Spam, spam, spam, spam-

TJ:

Ahhh! spam, lovely spam, ohhhh lovely spam-

Z:

Spam, spam, beef and spam-

(In the control room)

M:

Spam, spam, spam, spam-

L:

Oh, yes, I see how difficult it would be to leave all this behind.

M:

Spam, spam, spam..

(In the studio)

TJ:

I always thought it ought to have a little bit more verse to it than that. I mean, that's all there is, really.

SG:

(singing) "If I could save spam in a bottle..." (thunderous applause) Thank you! "Start spreading the spam..." Yeah! "Take the last train to Spamville..." "The sun'll come out..." (makes melody by making rude noises with his hand) Thank you!

TJ:

Ahh! That sounds more interesting!

SG:

It's not more interesting, Tongueman. It's brilliant. Brilliant!

Z:

Brilliant!

SG:

(singing) "Incense, peppermints, a big can of spam-"

Z:

Brilliant!

SG:

"Made with hog's snouts, it's not ham-"

(In the control room)

Ultra 7 Guy (U7G):

Well, hunky dory down to clause B-17, additional duties. According to this, my client is responsible for heating your personal swimming pool, entombing Hollywood and all of its citizenry in molten lava, and promoting your show during shopping mall appearances with cast members of "The Real World"!

L:

I believe it's all standard, lover. I'm sorry, Moltar, regr-r-rettably I must depart. Can't keep the "House of Style" people waiting, you know. I'll r-r-return in a jiffy! Do try to have an answer for me. Kiss kiss, lover. (breaks connection)

M:

No Puck. Forget that guy.

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

(British accent) Hello.

Z:

(stares back)

SG:

(normal voice) It's just the way I talk, I'm sorry. (to audience) We're back here at the Ghost Planet talking with Terry Jones! Terry, who is your favorite cartoon character? (looks at camera, his smile sparkles)

TJ:

Well, apart from you, I think it's probably Space Ghost, I think.

SG:

Hey, good answer! You know, that little toad Maris called me a dumb cartoon character.

TJ:

Space Ghost, don't think of yourself like that, Space Ghost, please don't think of yourself like that! Look on the bright side, you're not a dumb cartoon, you're, you're articulate, you're, you're very, very cartoony, and... and very animated!

SG:

Very masculine.

TJ:

As a cartoon character, you're... you're it, as far as I'm concerned.

SG:

That's right. I'm it.

TJ:

Can I, can I lick you... Space Ghost?

SG:

You can lick me anytime, Tongueman.

TJ:

(licks Space Ghost)

Z:

I want a lick!

SG:

No, Zorak. Bandleaders don't get licks.

TJ:

It's the first time I've ever licked a cartoon. Ugh.

Z:

Come on, lick me!

SG:

No lick, Zorak. (aims power bands) (French accent) I shall not tell you a second time!

Z:

Come on, lick meeeee, I wanna lick!

SG:

Look, Zorak, I'm not going to argue with you about this. You don't get a lick and that's the end of it.

Z:

Fine.

SG:

And I'm definitely not going to argue about this with you.

Z:

Okay.

SG:

No matter what.

Z:

Got it.

SG:

No arguments. (pause) Got a problem with that, Zorak?

Z:

No problem.

SG:

And that's the end of it.

Z:

Yep.

SG:

And, I don't want to hear another peep out of you.

Z:

(blink blink)

SG:

Got me?

Z:

(blink blink)

SG:

(finally loses it, and crisps Zorak) Got me, bug? Okay, then. Terry, what do you uuweufhaslhlchlajvj..

TJ:

Oh, I've unplugged you again, Space Ghost. (laughs) Sorry about this!

SG:

You wore funny clothes and said "wohsajemfenvneioeuh"

TJ:

In my excitement I've clicked, I've unclicked the... what was it...

SG:

underjswwoel uhh, Terry? Moltar, what's wrong with Terry!?

(In the control room)

M:

Now that includes a 401(k) plan, right?

L:

I do wish to see your face one day.

SG:

(invisos in to control room) Lokar!

L:

Oh look, it's Captain Cliché!

SG:

Where?

L:

You, you fool! And your horse, and your mum. Your big fat mum.

SG:

Well that's funny like crutches, Lokar, but loud actions speak words, and it looks like you've got your wall back, because a bird in the hand is worth this destructo-ray! (he zaps Lokar on the monitor)

L:

Aaaaoaooohhhhohh! loverrrrrr...!! (fades away into static)

(In the studio)

SG:

(invisos back to desk) My next guest is a musician! Please welcome Glen Phillips of "Toad the Wet Sprocket"!

Glen Phillips (GP):

Hello, how are you?

SG:

Citizen Glen, the name of your band comes from a Monty Python skit! What a coincidence!

GP:

Uh... Ambidextrous Rex, the electric triangle player for "Toad the Wet Sprocket", had his elbow removed following their recent worldwide tour of Finland.

SG:

Hmm... Well, we're out of time! Thanks for watching! Good night! (taps his card impatiently) Moltar, are we clear? (whistles) So, what's going on, Zorak?

Z:

(still crisped) Ihh, we're going to Dothen on Saturday for pleasure.

SG:

Mmmmm! They have them factory outlets there! (pause) You know, I really enjoy dense food. (pause) If it was like a choice between a flaky pastry, or a muffin... (pause) it would be the muffin, no contest. (pause) You know what's good, is cheese. That'll block you up. (pause) You hate when I do this, don't you?

Z:

Yep.

(Credits roll)

SG:

(makes rude hand noises again)

(At the Ghost Planet commissary)

M:

I want a chair. I want to sit down for a change. I want a chair that says "Moltar", and it'll be Moltar's chair. It'll be beautiful. That's what I want.

Z:

If he gets a chair, I get a puppy!

SG:

All right, my little unhappy monkeys.

(Slowly turning Ghost Planet over BBC-style "Cartoon Network" lettering)

John Peel (JP):

(voice-over) Coming up next on the Cartoon Network, the Ghost Planet will explode.

(beep beep beep beep beep BLAMMM!!!)

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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