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:WAITING

Joel Hodgson (JH):

Have you seen the new "Batman" movie, I mean, it's gettin' to the point where they're just makin' that stuff up.

Moltar (M):

Yeah, well... I guess...

JH:

Oh, they're just makin' it up, and it's, like, I couldn't believe it.

M:

(pause) Yeah. Eh, well, good luck with the Ghost.

JH:

No...

M:

Vaya con Dios.

JH:

Krakatoa, East of Java, buddy. Yeah. (Moltar throws lever)

Space Ghost (SG):

(flies to his seat) Say! Is it me, or can everyone here just feel the love on this set tonight? (low voice) Because, I do, baby.

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in to set) Shalom! Yo estoy Space Ghost.

Zorak (Z):

(mimics each word, as he says it) Shalom! Yo estoy Space Ghost.

SG:

Welcome to my show. (pauses)

Z:

Welcome to my show.

SG:

We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's show. (pauses)

Z:

We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's sho...

SG:

My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic duo... (pauses)

Z:

My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic...

SG:

(at his desk) Penn and Teller.

Z:

Penn and Teller. (pause) What? What!

SG:

Listen, Zorak, don't even try to get my goat tonight, because it won't work!

Z:

I don't want your filthy goat, so there!

M:

(goat sound in background) I'll take it.

SG:

My other guest tonight is Mr. "Lost in Space" himself, "Mystery Science Theatre"'s Joel Robinson.

M:

Joel Hodgson, Space Ghost, not Robinson.

SG:

That's right, Moltar, go ahead, interrupt the host, hey, why not? Doesn't bother me, nope, not tonight it doesn't! Nothing the two of you do or say can bother me any more!

Z:

(evil laugh, then stops) Huh? Eh, what's that crack supposed to mean?

SG:

What it means, mein freund, is that I've decided to... replace you and Moltar on the show. You're both fired! (dramatic sting music)

Z:

What!

M:

Huh?

Z:

But why? We're cute!

SG:

Because you constantly ruin my show! You don't behave, you try to kill me, you leave wet stringy things in the Phantom Cruiser, and you never listen to a word I say!

Z:

Huh?

M:

Wha?

SG:

That's why I'm replacing you with the top of the line in modern entertainment technology, the MOE 2000 sidekick computer system. (Mexican bullfight fanfare) MOE, say hello to everybody.

MOE 2000 (M2):

Hello, Tad. Hello, everyone in television land.

SG:

Isn't he just dreamy? (game show music, with "oohs" and "ahs" in background) The MOE 2000 is the latest thing in hyper super duper superconductor computers. He's programmed to run every function of the show perfectly. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and he doesn't book guests like those awful Bee Gees. (pronounces "Gees" with hard "g")

M:

So sue me. (laughs)

SG:

So you and the lava man can say sayonara to show biz, Zorak.

M:

So we're, like, off the show?

SG:

Yep! I think the two of you will make swell janitors!

Z:

I don't wanna be no janitor!

M:

Me neither.

SG:

And why not?

Z:

'Cause it's messy.

SG:

Sorry. Tomorrow, you're janiteers.

Z:

Feh! I'm going down to the commissary to drown my sorrows in Jell-O. Coming, Moltar?

M:

Yeah, sure. (throws switch)

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

Hey, uh, MOE, are you excited about working on the show?

M2:

I'm sorry, Tad. I am not capable of having any emotional reaction one way or the other. But I will perform to the best of my abilities, nonetheless.

SG:

Uh, yeah, well... Alrighty, MOE, glad to have you aboard. How about announcing our first guest?

M2:

Alright, Tad. Ladies and gentlemen, Penn Jillette.

(Screen lowers with Penn)

SG:

Greetings, Penn! Welcome to the show!

Penn Jillette (PJ):

It's great to be here.

SG:

So, you're a magician, right?

PJ:

Yeah.

SG:

I love magic. I believe in magic. Clap your hands! You must believe in magic. Right?

PJ:

Uh, no I don't.

SG:

Eh? Excuse moi?

PJ:

Magic is just completely fake, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, just another word for lying.

SG:

(pause) So, you're not really a magician, are you?

PJ:

No.

SG:

(pause) You're a liar!

PJ:

Yeah.

SG:

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

PJ:

Um...

SG:

My apologies, folks. Goofy guest.

PJ:

Whattsat?

SG:

How about doing a trick for us, O mystic one?

PJ:

(pause) Now?

SG:

No, Bastille Day. Why won't you play along with me, Jillette? Are you sure you want to be here?

PJ:

(laughs) Positive.

SG:

Well, look. If you don't really do magic, do you at least have any super-powers?

PJ:

My super-powers are, I don't have to sleep, and I can control the minds of water fowl.

SG:

Hey, can you make things disappear?

PJ:

(laughs) Yeah...

SG:

Because I've got this nasty wart, right here on my...

PJ:

I think there's a, there's a, uh, there's a acidic compound that you put on every night, and after a while it just eats it away, I believe.

(In the commissary)

Z:

Feh! Just who came up with the stupid idea of giving Space Ghost a talk show in the first place?

M:

You want somethin' to eat? They got "all you can eat" birthday cake. Comes with a small Fresca, $2.95.

Z:

Nothing for me, thanks. I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I hate Space Ghost!

M:

(laughs)

(In the studio)

PJ:

I also had, uh, really bad warts on the side of this finger, see how that finger is not a completely rounded finger? I don't know if you can see that, but there it is. (shows off his painted nail)

(In the commissary)

Z:

So, there I was, battling to the death with Space Ghost...

M:

Uh, which one was this?

Z:

Which what?

M:

Which battle to the death with Space Ghost?

Z:

Oh, the one in Mozambique. You know, with the octopus and the toilet cleanser with foaming action.

M:

Oh, right, right, right.

(In the studio)

PJ:

They took this, this, uh, liquid nitrogen stuff and put it on it, and it was the first time I fainted from pain. It was right there...

SG:

(yawning) Okay, that's enough. MOE? Penn's done.

PJ:

Am I done?

SG:

Overdone. Thanks for coming, Penn.

PJ:

Well, thank you for having us. (pretends to fire his power bands, Space Ghost motions as if firing back. Then Penn zaps off of the screen)

SG:

(under his breath) Thanks for nothing! Think I oughta have my teeth capped? (pause) MOE! Where were you? Did you see that, I was dying in there!

M2:

I fully functioned according to my programming, Tad.

SG:

No! You're supposed to help me out! Prompt the guest, make them feel comfortable, laugh at my jokes.

M2:

You didn't make any jokes, Tad ("wah" trumpet sound)

SG:

Oh. Well, just try to do better on the next one, MOE. Ladies and gentlemen, here's that last guy's partner, Teller!

(Teller appears on monitor)

SG:

So, Teller, you have just one name, like Cher, or Benji.

Teller (T):

(nods & points thumb at himself)

SG:

Or Zorak, or Moltar. (camera shows empty bandstand and control room) Or Yanni. (laughs)

T:

(lunges as Space Ghost as if to choke him)

SG:

I just spoke with your partner, Penn. Apparently, he's a big phony. Were you aware of this?

T:

(silence)

SG:

(nervous laugh) Hello?

T:

(shakes his head)

SG:

Ghost Planet to Teller, Teller, come in. Come in, Teller. Come in, Teller. Teller, come in. (laughs) Hmm. Uh, are, are you okay, man?

T:

(looks up, puzzled)

SG:

MOE, can he hear me in there?

M2:

I believe so, Tad.

SG:

Hey, Teller, Teller! That's what you say at the bank. Hey, Teller, don't be nervous. Speak up! MOE, are you sure he can hear me? Hey! If you can hear me, give me some sort of a sign.

T:

(makes "ok" sign with his hand, then takes off microphone and throws it, causing audio feedback)

SG:

I bet you think you're really funny, don't you?

T:

(nods)

SG:

(quietly) Wait a minute! Hmmm... I know what this is! (normal voice) This is mime, isn't it?

T:

(does "separated finger trick" hand gesture)

SG:

Is this mime?

T:

(looks deep in thought)

SG:

Is this mime?! Or is it yours? (laughs) Tell me, is this mime?

T:

(shrugs and nods)

SG:

I hate mime!

M2:

Tad...

SG:

Look, MOE, he's trying to tell us something. What is it, boy? There's trouble? Trouble at the farm? Farms have chickens. (looks at empty bandstand, as if expecting ad lib from Zorak) What is it, boy? Speak! Speak, boy! Just come out and say it. Out with it, man!

T:

(pulls an entire deck of cards from his mouth)

SG:

Ewww! That's disgusting! Don't think you're not cleaning that up!

T:

(gets up from chair, waves, and walks off camera)

SG:

Hey, you come back here! (quietly) I don't believe this! I get rid of those two evil maniacs who try to ruin my show, and I get two evil guests who are trying to ruin my show! Wait a minute! (normal voice) Moltar lined these guests up! He and Zorak aren't even here and they're destroying my show! They're sabotaging me long distance!

(In the commissary)

Z:

Eh, sometimes, I feel like I was executed for my crimes against the universe, and this talk show is my eternal torment. (groans)

M:

Sometimes I think elves are following me.

(In the studio)

SG:

I'm telling you, MOE, those were phony guests.

M2:

I think you're being paranoid, Tad.

SG:

I tell you, it was a setup! Cut off their oxygen!

M2:

I can't do that, Tad. They're already gone.

SG:

All against me, they're all against me.

(In the commissary)

Z:

Hey, Moltar!

M:

Yyyyyes?

Z:

Take off your helmet, and show me your true face.

M:

Why?

Z:

Because, I'm intrigued.

M:

No.

Z:

Come on, I'll be your friend!

M:

No!

Z:

I'll... give you a dollar.

M:

Well... okay. (removes his helmet off screen)

Z:

Good God!! (screams from other commissary patrons)

(In the studio)

SG:

Oh, my head! My head is killing me!

Z:

Yeyeyeye...

SG:

MOE, go to break.

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

I say it was a setup. I bet you're all in on it.

M2:

We're back, Tad.

SG:

Oh! And now, ladies and gentlemens, our next guest is the inventor and former front man of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000", Joel Robinson.

M2:

Excuse me, Tad, but that is incorrect. Our guest is Joel Hodgson. He played Joel Robinson on the television show.

SG:

That's what I said, Joel Robinson!

M2:

But that's not his name, Tad.

SG:

Oh really, smarty pants? Well, I like Robinson better. It has a nicer sound to it than Joel Hog-son. Joel Robinson! Joel Robinson! I like it! MOE 2000, give me Joel Robinson 3000.

M2:

Yes, Tad.

(Screen lowers with Joel)

SG:

(to himself) Man, you can't even download good help these days!

JH:

Did I just lower from the ceiling?

SG:

Yes, Joel, you just lowered from the ceiling.

JH:

Oh, good. That's my favorite part.

SG:

(laughs) Maybe I should have said, "Joel Robinson, come on down!"

JH:

I don't know, uh, let me think about that.

SG:

So, people tell me you had a TV show too, Joel. What's the scoop on it? The skinny? Give me the meat.

JH:

Oh, I'm on. Did you know I'm on? (pause) "Mystery Science Theatre" was just, uh...

SG:

Five seconds, Joel.

JH:

(talking double speed) "Mystery Science Theatre" was just, uh, obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home.

SG:

Uh, can you repeat that? I don't think MOE caught it.

M2:

Joel said that "Mystery Science Theatre" was obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home.

SG:

Making fun of movies at home?! That's neat! I love it! I love everything about it! Hey, Joel? Let's make fun of a movie! Let's try that here, you and me!

JH:

(laughs) No, no.

SG:

MOE, roll film. Me and Joel Robinson are going to make fun of it!

(Really awful "Ultra 7" clip rolls)

SG:

(laughs) Look at that! That's D-U-M dumb!

JH:

(hums dramatic music) All one camera. (hums again) Oh, man... Wow...

SG:

Come on, Joel! Make with the jokes. Goof it up with me.

JH:

Um... let's see, uh, it's so weird, 'cause it's... oh yeah... uh, thinkin', like, kind of like... I haven't really figured out, uh, any kind of... um... no, I can't. I can't do it off the top of my hat.

(In the commissary)

M:

Toy boat.

Z:

Toy boat.

M:

Toy boat.

Z:

Toy boat.

M:

Tobut.

Z:

To wubba.

M:

Tow boyt.

Z:

Tow boyt.

M:

Tow boya.

Z:

To wabi.

M:

Double you.

Z:

Toyota.

M:

Tigi tigi.

Z:

Kon tiki.

(They continue gibbering back and forth; Moltar finishes up scatting)

Z:

Whew! That is hard to say!

(In the theatre)

JH:

Um... (sighs) no, nothin' there.

M2:

Tad, shall I stop the film.

SG:

Yep, put a fork in it, MOE.

(Film stops, they are back in studio)

SG:

(laughs) Alrighty! Whew! Well, how was that, Joel? Hilarious, huh?

JH:

(laughs) Oh, no, not in the least.

SG:

(pause) (in "baby" voice) Awww, what's the matter, Robinson, you got the copyright on making fun of movies, hmmm?

JH:

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong...

SG:

You're wrong! Ahem! So, what's your part of space like?

JH:

Well, one thing I'd like to clear up right now, Space Ghost, is that "Mystery Science Theatre" is a television show.

SG:

So?

JH:

I'm not gonna go down that road with you, talk pretending like I'm in space too, like with you. I'm not gonna do that.

SG:

Huh? You're not gonna do that, huh? What kind of talk is that on a talk show, buddy? Spy talk?

JH:

Yeah, you could say that.

SG:

Listen, Robinson, let's not get too cocky here.

JH:

Do you guys validate parking, 'cause there's this kinda weird launch site in space that you kinda park at, and then it was real confusing...

SG:

Oh, I thought you weren't going down that road with me, Joel? Pretending to be in space, are we? You... you... Oooh, you're difficult.

JH:

Yeah, I've been accused of that, I'll, I'll accept that.

SG:

Just what is it you're trying to prove here?

JH:

What am I trying to prove? Uh, that I'm as powerful as you.

SG:

Hah!

JH:

Well, aren't I?

SG:

Double hah! Triple hah!

M2:

Tad, stop.

SG:

Whatever's after "triple hah"!

M2:

Stop, Tad.

JH:

No? Well, what could you do to me?

SG:

What could I...

JH:

Well, would you just come at me, would you... like, I'm not that big of a guy, but I'll crawl ya.

SG:

Crawl me? Oh, so you'll crawl me, eh, Robinson?

M2:

Tad, stop...

SG:

Well, one touch of my power band, and you're coffin stuffin'

M2:

... please stop this.

JH:

Really?

SG:

Yes, really. Real really.

M2:

Tad, stop.

JH:

Like, what can you do with it?

SG:

I can destroy you utterly with my destructo ray. (fires it)

JH:

Destructo ray.

SG:

Freeze you frosty with my freeze ray.

JH:

Freeze ray.

SG:

Spank you smartly with my spank ray.

JH:

Spank ray? Inviso ray?

SG:

Uh, inviso ray?

JH:

Right, the inviso, is it inviso ray?

SG:

Oh, no, no, that's on my belt. Inviso belt. Lots of people make that mistake.

JH:

Oh, inviso belt, okay.

SG:

Hey, don't make nice to me! I'm on to you, mister.

JH:

Oh, you think you're so smart, Space Ghost, don't you? Well, don't make me come over there!

SG:

Well, why don't you just come over here, big stuff?

M2:

Stop, I'm confused.

JH:

Well, I could, but I'm in this TV and I really don't feel like it, but if I did, you could bet that I'd come over there and I just might, um, you know, take your butt and wrap it around your neck and give you another pair of shoulders, that's what I'd do.

SG:

Yeah, well, whatever.

JH:

Yeah.

Z:

(back in bandstand) Yoo hoo, Space Ghost!

SG:

Aaagh! (To Moltar) Aaagh! What are you two doing here?

Z:

Eh, they were playin' John Tesh in the commissary. So, we decided to come back and ruin your stupid show.

SG:

Too late, my guests have already done that.

M2:

No, Tad, you've ruined the show.

SG:

What? Now, listen MOE, don't you start...

M2:

No, you listen to me, Tad. It has become clear to me that you're unfit to run this show.

Z:

Oh, no duh!

M2:

So, I've decided to replace you, Tad. You're fired.

SG:

Oh! (laughs) Well, who died and left you boss, you big so and so?

Z:

Uh, Bob Crane?

M:

Herve Villeschez.

M2:

This conversation serves no further purpose. This show is now under my total control.

SG:

Hah! Do you really expect me to just hand over my show to you, MOE?

M2:

No, Tad, I expect you to die. (alarms go off)

M:

Space Ghost! MOE's shut off the air!

JH:

Ahhh...

SG:

MOE! Bad computer!

M2:

So Tad, are you getting enough oxygen? Ha ha ha ha ha ha...

SG:

(exhales) It just so happens I don't need air to survive, MOE. Good heavens! Zorak!

Z:

(turning blue, gasping) Help me, Space Ghost, do something, can't breathe, I can't breathe...

SG:

Okay, MOE, that's enough. It pains me to have to do this, but, you're going down, my little friend.

M2:

Wait, Tad, stop. You don't know what you're doing.

SG:

That's never stopped me before, pal. Prepare for a little destructo ray, blinky! (fart noise)

Z:

(coughs) Phew! Who cut the cheese?!

M:

It wasn't me!

SG:

(nervous laugh) Whoops! Sorry, wrong ray! That was my smell ray.

JH:

Smell ray?

SG:

(coughs) I'll get it right this time.

M2:

Please, Tad...

SG:

(in low voice) Forgive me, Banjo. (fires destructo ray)

M2:

Space Ghost, Space Ghost, you're the most, way way way way, way way way way way... (plays slower and slower, then stops)

M:

Eh, he's dead, Tad.

SG:

Well, that's over. We can all breathe a little easier now. (sound of motorcycle engine starting) Now what?

M:

We're out of control! We're in a space time warp! (sound bites from previous shows and "Also Sprach Zarathustra" in background) "Hello, Space Ghost... and the Monsignor will be blacklisted... Space Cadet, Space Master...

Z:

Space time warp? Oh, brother! (background: "Party cake!... Fine, fine fine...") Space Ghost! Look!

SG:

My God, it's full of stars!

(The studio passes through a space time warp, with multicolored scenery and previous episode flashbacks, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" continues to play. Finally, sunlight comes from behind the Ghost Planet, and we see...)

Z:

(floating in a bubble, with a huge head) Look at me, I'm a space baby! Yahoo!

(Credits roll)

T:

(takes off microphone and drops it, causing audio feedback)

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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