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:WAITING

(In the commissary)

Zorak (Z):

(big slurp from coffee cup) Mmmm!

Space Ghost (SG):

(head in his hands) My... girlfriend and I... broke up last weekend.

Z:

Good! What's her number?

SG:

Miss Nesbitt, my one true love... While I was saving civilization and talking to Gilligan, Miss Nesbitt was busy finding herself another super-hero!

Z:

I saw him!

SG:

Who?

Z:

The new guy.

SG:

You did not!

Z:

Mmmm. Quite handsome. Not like you. He's a lawyer and a doctor, but he's sensitive. And a good kisser!

SG:

Ohhhhhh! (groans)

Z:

Oh! Space Ghost! I forgot to tell you something.

SG:

(perks up) You did? What?

Z:

Miss Nesbitt called.

SG:

Miss Nesbitt called? When? Why didn't you get me?

Z:

You were in the bathroom.

SG:

Ah, my beautiful Miss Nesbitt called, for me. (smile sparkles)

Z:

Yeah, to say you're still broken up.

SG:

D'oh!

Z:

(laughs)

Moltar (M):

(laughs)

SG:

Like you guys are such prizes?

M:

Well, I am fairly evil, but, uh, I've been happily married to my beautiful wife Linda, for over six years now.

SG:

Grrrrr...

M:

What'd I say?

SG:

(fires destructo ray at Moltar)

Z:

Hey, Space Ghost!

SG:

He was getting on my nerves.

Z:

That was the first time you've blown him up.

SG:

I'm not doing the show tonight.

Z:

Mmm, Carrot Top is on.

SG:

Nooooo! Carrot Top? I can't handle Carrot Top tonight!

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in to set - sounding dejected) Greetings... I'm Space Ghost... On tonight's program... we have comedian Carrot Top... and comedian Carrot Top... Now, play me to the desk, Zorak, I guess. (Zorak plays him to the desk) Please welcome... Carrot Top.

(Screen lowers with Carrot Top)

Carrot Top (CT):

Heyyyy! It's the Hair Bear Bunch! (sings ditty, playing with his hair) Hello!

SG:

Hello.

CT:

(looks to both sides, starts humming "Jetsons" theme song) Here comes Ted Turner... Jane, his wife. (plays with his hair and growls) I'm having too much fun, Space Ghost!

SG:

Please stop yelling.

CT:

(plays with his hair some more) Can you do that, Space Ghost? Come on, try it!

SG:

(quietly) No.

CT:

Come on, you big super-powered man! (laughs)

SG:

(sighs) Okay, let's just get this over with.

CT:

No one's watching, what time's this thing come on?

SG:

Night time.

CT:

Yeah, is there a certain...

SG:

Night time.

CT:

Does space have the same time zones...

SG:

Night time.

CT:

Yeah, okay, cool... I love your show, it was so funny!

SG:

Yeah.

CT:

I love this show! You are the king, you're the king of late night.

SG:

That's nice.

CT:

(laughs) I like you, Space Ghost. (laughs)

SG:

Oh. Loser.

CT:

Ouch! Space Ghost, be nice to me.

SG:

Of course, of course, of course, of course.

CT:

Greetings, Carrot Top.

SG:

Okay, greetings, Carrot Top.

CT:

Welcome...

SG:

... to the show.

CT:

Yeah, right on. It's good to be here.

SG:

Uh... so...

CT:

Why do they call me Carrot Top?

SG:

Yeah.

CT:

'Cause all the good ones were taken.

SG:

Like "loser".

CT:

Hootie.

SG:

Hootie?

CT:

I wanted to be Hootie. Hootie! Say it, it's fun. Hootie!

SG:

Uh, Hootie.

Z:

Hootie?

M:

Hootie?

CT:

Hootie! Isn't that fun?

M:

Hootie!

Z:

Hootie!

CT:

Ladies and gentlemen, Hootie!

Z:

Hootie!

M:

Hootie?

SG:

(invisos out) I can't do this.

CT:

Everyone should be Hootie!

Z:

Hootie!

M:

Hootie?

CT:

I wish I was Hootie. Maybe I will be Hootie. Maybe I'll change my name to Hootie.

Z:

Hey, look! There's Miss Nesbitt!

SG:

(invisos back in) Where's Miss Nesbitt? Where's Miss Nesbitt?

Z:

Oh, I meant, there's Christy! Did I say "Miss Nesbitt"? (laughs) Sorry. There's Christy. (Christy plays the drums)

SG:

(sighs) Anything else, Carrot?

CT:

What am I workin' on these days?

SG:

Okay, what are you working on these days?

CT:

Oh, a TV, a TV show, I have my own show.

SG:

How exciting.

CT:

(pause) You ever take a whole big bottle of mouthwash and just guzzle it all the way down?

SG:

No...

Z:

Miss Nesbitt does, before she kisses the new guy!

SG:

(motions as if he is going to zap Zorak with destructo ray, then stops)

Z:

(evil laugh)

SG:

(with despair) Just forget it! What's the use? (sobs)

CT:

Where has this interview gone?

M:

(in control room) The toilet, as usual. (throws lever, screen shows "CHiPs" car crash scene) Sweet, beautiful CHiPs!

CT:

Let's start over.

SG:

(stops sobbing) That's what I told her. I said, "Give me another chance. I can do it! I just need one more chance."

CT:

Um... did we miss a question?

SG:

You tell me, Sparky.

CT:

Um... no.

SG:

No then.

CT:

What, have you been drinking, Space Ghost?

SG:

Yes, Carrot, I have been drinking... I drink from the well of eternal sadness...

CT:

Really?

SG:

Eternal, bottomless pit of blackest despondency.

CT:

(crying) Can we just move on?

SG:

(sighs) Oh, Carrot, I don't know if I'll ever be able to 'move on.' It might take a week, it might take a year. It might take longer. She told me she needs space. I said, "That's me! I'm Space! Space Ghost!" It's very dark, and very cold. It's so very cold in space.

CT:

They film "Star Trek" there. I used to live there.

SG:

Coooold... coooold...

CT:

It's very dark, it's very cold...

SG:

It's... very... dark... and... very... cold...

CT:

(gasps, with hands by his mouth) Okay, okay...

SG:

Ohhh... Carrot, it's, it's time for you to go.

CT:

That's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start wearing tights.

SG:

Tights, uh huh.

CT:

Picture me in tights. Just for a second.

SG:

Okay. Time to go. Uh, thank you for having me on?

CT:

Hey, right on. Good to be here.

SG:

I'm welcome.

CT:

(making power band gesture) How do you do that? (makes gesture again)

SG:

Try this. (makes gesture over and over rapidly with both hands)

Z:

Hold on, wait a minute, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on! Wait, wait, NO!

SG:

(zaps Zorak with destructo ray)

CT:

I like Zorak. Chill out.

Z:

Yeah, chill out!

SG:

Whatever. Go play with Moltar.

CT:

(coughs)

SG:

(zaps Carrot Top off the monitor)

M:

(in control room, watching "CHiPs" car crash scene) Yes! Yes! Cool! (Carrot Top appears on Moltar's monitor) Hey, what gives? I'm tryin' to watch "CHiPs"! Get out of here, you freak! (throws lever)

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

SG:

Anybody call for me during the break?

(Screen lowers with Star Lady the cow)

SG:

Please welcome my next guest.

Star Lady (SL):

(silence)

SG:

Hi, how are you today?

SL:

(silence)

SG:

Are... you comfortable?

SL:

(silence)

CT:

(in control room) (laughs) "Mommy, there's some frightening man on TV!" There's one of these scenes where they cut to him, and he's going, (makes a face) they cut to me and I'm going, (makes a face) I cut to him and he's going, (makes a face), he cuts to me and I'm going...

M:

Look, will you shut up? I was trying to watch "CHiPs"!

CT:

I love "CHiPs". My favorite episode of "CHiPs" is when they're chasin' down that freeway, and they have that big car pile-up, when that car went fwoosh!, off the side of that truck...

M:

Yeah, I saw that one. I like the one where...

CT:

And they always had, like, had that episode where they had a fight with the captain...

M:

And when Leif Garrett was in the limo, sleeping, and then his car crashed, but he was okay, and then every, then everyone got free tickets to his concert.

CT:

... someone said "Look out!", all the cars are flying all over like this, remember that?

M:

Uh, no.

CT:

The best episode was when they were on the island, and they almost got off but Gilligan messed the whole thing up. (pause) I look like Reba McEntire, I just realized. Maybe that's what I'll call my book, "Reba", that way we'll sell a lot of copies of it. I used to love Reba...

M:

(throws switch, putting "CHipS" back on) Whoa!

SG:

(in studio) So I said, "How much time do you want?" And she said, "Oh, so now you have time for me!"

SL:

(silence)

SG:

So it's like, I mean, how am I supposed to answer a question like that? (scoots chair closer to monitor) Look, I mean, it is my fault, and it isn't! Y'know? Sure, I had my chance to say certain things, tell her how pretty her hair smelled, pinch her cheek, things like that. Take her to the mall... But you know, work and all.

SL:

(silence)

SG:

There's a lot of crime out there, and I'm just one guy. The mall will always be there! She knows that! Oh, well, what are ya gonna do?

Z:

Hey, Space Ghost!

SG:

Too young for me anyway...

Z:

Space Ghost! You're talking to a cow! She can't talk! Don't you know any...

SL:

Hey, listen, buster! I've just about had all I can take of you!

Z:

(stares in shock, his eyes bug out)

SL:

I don't need this, I'm a cow! I got things to do! Hey, can't you hear me through that hood? I guess not, since there's no earholes! Who ever heard of a fifteen minute talk show anyway? Come on, man! You lost the teens, those were the whole appeal of the show! Jan and Jace, they were it! The monkey, he was it! You? Nothin'! You bring in this bug, and this beekeeper! A, a beekeeper! And those crappy guests! Come on! Get some real celebrities! Burt Reynolds! Other super-heroes have secret identities! Not you! We know your name's Tad, nobody knows what your face looks like! Batman? Bruce Wayne! Superman? Clark Kent! Aquaman? Well, who gives a crap, anyway? Really! And this set! The planet's turning, it ain't turning, And what's with the cape? I mean, it serves no purpose! What, are cape's gonna look good in space? The cape's gonna look... like crap in space! There, okay? I said it! What, do you need a cape to host a talk show? I mean, really! And the bug! I mean, what's with the vest? It's red, it's blue, it's orange! Who can tell? Who cares? Nobody cares! I mean, give us all a break! You think it's cool to have no pupils! Just so you can look like Batman or somethin'! No wonder Miss Nesbitt left you!

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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