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Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

:WAITING

Space Ghost (SG):

It seems that every time I use the men's room around here, there's no toilet tissue. Is it too much to ask that when you people use up the toilet tissue, you replace it? Is that so hard? It's not brain surgery, y'know.

Zorak (Z):

Don't look at me! I don't use the men's room! I use the little mantis's room, down the hall.

Moltar (M):

I don't go to the bathroom.

SG:

Get out! Everyone goes to the bathroom! Even Audrey Hepburn went to the bathroom!

M:

Well, I don't! My metabolism naturally processes all my body waste. No muss, no fuss.

SG:

That's disgusting.

M:

Aaaah, you're just jealous.

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in to set) Greetings, citizens! I'm Space Ghost! Joining us tonight, little miss Cindy Brady herself, Susan Olsen! And, that scary Halloween schtickster girl, Elvira.

Z:

Yeah, yeah, get on with it! Space Ghost glares at Zorak and invisos over to desk.

(Space Ghost glares at Zorak and invisos over to desk)

SG:

My first guest is that adorable little Brady moppet, the youngest one in curls, Susan Olsen.

(Monitor lowers with Susan)

Susan Olsen (SO):

Yes!

SG:

Hey there, Susan.

SO:

Hello.

SG:

"Susan, Susan, bo-busan, banana-fana-fo-fusan, me-mi-mo-musan..." (clears throat) hee hee hee... Susan, welcome to my show! How are you today?

SO:

I'm fine, how are you?

SG:

De-lightful! I'm a big fan of you Brady kids. I have all your albums!

Z:

It's true! I scratched them all myself!

SG:

Susan, does it terrify you to be on a talk show with a host as mighty as me?

SO:

Ummm, well, no, because I actually hadn't heard of this show...

SG:

Oh, I see.

Z:

(evil laugh)

SG:

Well...

SO:

(laughs)

SG:

Susan, has being a Brady ever held you back? You know, professionally?

SO:

It was very difficult to get acting roles afterwards, because, y'know, I got very typecast...

SG:

(laughs) Typecast, huh? (lisping) Hey, thay thomething "Thindy" to the audienthe, Thuthan.

SO:

(lisping) Theven thilver thwans twam thilently theaward.

Z:

(lisping) Thacre bleu! I'm gonna be thick!

M:

Theriouthly!

Chad Ghostal (CG):

(over PA system) Attention! Attention! Would the owner of a yellow Phantom Cruiser, license plate "S GHOST 1", please return to your ship, you're parked in an illegal towing zone.

Z:

That's you, stupid!

SG:

Mmmmm? Oh... (mutters) Hold the fort, guys, I'll be right back. (he flies off) ("whoosh!")

M:

Er...

Z:

Hi, Susan!

SO:

Hello!

Z:

Look, every time I move my arm, it costs the Cartoon Network forty-two bucks! (evil laugh) Look, look! (moves his arm back and forth repeatedly) 42, 84, 126, ...

(Chad impersonates Space Ghost, looking identical except for his voice, a mustache and goatee)

CG:

(bounds in to desk) Sorry to keep you waiting, but here I am, Spaaace Ghooost!

Z:

(stares in shock)

M:

How's the car?

CG:

What's it to ya, volcano breath?

M:

Huh?!

CG:

Alrighty! Now, what do we have here? Hmmm... So, you're one of those Brady kids, right?

SO:

(puzzled) Uhhh...

CG:

Hmmm, you're not too bad looking. You must be the older, hotsy totsy one.

SO:

Say what? (laughs)

CG:

Marsha, right? Oops, I meant Cindy! Crazy me! (laughs)

SO:

They, they, they always confuse us. (laughs)

CG:

Yeah, sure they do. Maybe at the eye clinic, babe. You're the one who wore those bizarre little curls. How do you pull off a hair style like that anyway? Electroshock?

SO:

Yeah, yeah, and of course, I had to sleep with nine curlers on either side of my head every night, so I learned to sleep on my back.

CG:

(yawns in boredom)

SO:

It was painful.

CG:

Well, maybe you deserved it. Ever think of that?

SO:

Well, now, wait a minute...

CG:

Hey, are you related to those Olsen twins?

SO:

Um, no...

CG:

Because they're really freaky, y'know? They look like those awful troll dolls. I couldn't... (his communicator starts beeping) Oops, be right back (he flies off) ("whoosh!")

SG:

(bounds back to his desk) Hi, Susan, sorry that took so long.

SO:

(amused) Uh huh...

Z:

Eh... uh... Ah, skip it.

SG:

So, Susan, I was wondering, how's that Melvin the meat guy doing?

SO:

Um, well I think you're referring to Sam the butcher...

SG:

Whatever, meat's meat. Do you think you could get me a good beef deal with him? A manly physique like mine requires a lot of sirloin!

SO:

Oh boy, well, y'know, he's not in business anymore, he, y'know, since he went to rehab and, I, I think he's in jail.

SG:

Egad! Well, that's the free marketplace for you.

Z:

Get a grip, Space Ghost! It was a TV show! Sam the butcher wasn't real!

SO:

This is true! (laughs)

SG:

Oh, just a TV show, eh? Not real, eh? Well, what does that make you, Mr. Doubting Mantis?

Z:

Well, y'know, um, uh... aargh.. so sue me.

SG:

(sniff sniff) I smell popcorn. Does anyone else smell popcorn?

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

(Monitor shows zoomed in picture of an eyeball, everybody screams)

SG:

Aaagh! Get it off, get it off, get it off! (he blasts it with his destructo ray) Moltar, what in the wide world of extreme sports was that?

M:

Heck if I know! Weird!

Z:

Eerie.

(Phone starts ringing; everyone looks at each other.)

M:

(finally answers it after 7 rings) Hey, Space Ghost! Phone!

SG:

Take a message.

M:

It's TV's Bonnie Franklin!

SG:

TV's Bonnie Franklin?

M:

I think she's got a part for you.

SG:

Really? Susan, don't move a muscle, I'll be right back! (he flies off) ("whoosh!")

CG:

(invisos in to desk)

Z:

What did TV's Bonnie Franklin have to say?

CG:

Oh, well, none of your bee's wax. (looks at Susan) What's she still doing here? Who's next? (looks at his card) Whoa, mama! Moltar! Next guest!

M:

But, uh...

CG:

Give me that walking, talking, hubba-hubba-looking dead chick, now!

M:

Oh, you mean Elvira!

CG:

Of course I mean Elvira! What'cha got, rocks in your head?

M:

Well, actually...

CG:

Shut up and give me Elvira.

M:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. (throws switch, sending her to the studio monitor)

CG:

Heyyyy, baby, thanks for coming on my show!

Elvira (E):

Hey, Space Ghost, thank you for having me... so to speak.

CG:

Are you getting enough oxygen in there?

E:

(laughs) What, in my dress, or in this room?

CG:

She's saucy! So, what have you been doin' with yourself, ya little minx?

E:

Well, gotta lot of things goin'...

CG:

Really!

E:

Trying to get a new movie going.

CG:

Mmm hmm, cinema, good!

E:

Uh, "Elvira vs. The Vampire Women".

CG:

(makes "cat growl" sound)

E:

Working on a new book series, for young adults.

CG:

You go, little vampire girl. I hope you've got a plush, satin-lined coffin, for all the beauty sleep you must take.

E:

Um, actually, I don't sleep in a coffin, I find a bed much more comfortable.

Z:

Hey, Space Ghost! (while Chad is talking) Space Ghost! Space Ghost!

CG:

(ignores Zorak) So do I. To me, beds are like graves, sweetie pie! 'Cause I dig 'em both!

Z:

Space Ghost!

CG:

What!?

Z:

Eh... are you feeling alright, Space Ghost? Not that I care, it's just that there's, something different about you tonight. I can't quite put my pincer on it...

CG:

(with a handlebar mustache and curlier beard now) Different? How so?

Z:

You're a little more... uh... rico suave all of a sudden.

CG:

(now sporting yet a different mustache and beard) (smiles, with bullfight music in background; his communicator beeps again) Oops! I'll be right back, gorgeous! And we'll get down to it!

E:

Ooooo, sounds interesting!

CG:

(flies off) ("whoosh!")

SG:

(bounds back in) Stupid prank call. Rotten kids!

E:

(smiles at him)

SG:

Aaaagh! A vampire!

M:

It's not a vampire, Space Ghost, it's Elvira!

SG:

(in low voice) What's she doing here? Where's Susan?

M:

You told me to get rid of her!

SG:

I did not! Moltar, you get the scary hoochie-coochie girl off my monitor and get me Susan!

M:

Yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda... (throws switch, sends Elvira away and brings Susan back)

SG:

So Susan, did you know I was on TV in the seventies too?

SO:

That's funny, 'cause...

(Doorbell rings, three times)

Offcamera Voice (OV):

Trick or treat!

SG:

Just a minute! I'll be right back, Susie. (invisos out)

CG:

(bounds back in)

Z:

Yow!

CG:

What's the matter, Zorak? You're acting like you've just seen a ghost! (laughs) Moltar, Elvira!

M:

Hunh?

CG:

I said Elvira! Now, now, now! (pounds fist)

M:

Ehh, here we go again!

CG:

Nothin' personal, sister, you're a Mary Ann, and I need a Ginger!

SO:

Um, ...

M:

(throws switch again, sending Susan away again and bringing Elvira back)

CG:

Hey, baby, have you ever.. dated a ghost?

E:

Well, uh, in my.. wildest dreams, I have.

CG:

Well then how's about steppin' out with a ghost, like me?

E:

Would I go out with a ghost like you? Ask me again.

CG:

(scoots closer) How about you and me cause some trouble tonight, hmmm, dark lady?

E:

Oh, excellent!

Z:

Aaugh, thanks for that image!

CG:

So, after the show?

E:

Sounds good to me!

CG:

Just you and me, alone, in the cold dead emptiness... of space (dance music starts in background) (Chad and Elvira wink & blink at each other)

SG:

(bounds back in, while Chad is still there)

CG:

Ugh!

SG:

Aaagh!

M:

(gibbers) What!

SG:

What in the name of Jumanji is going on here? Who's this?

CG:

Well, I'm Space Ghost, baby.

SG:

Space Ghost baby? I'm Space Ghost!

CG:

I am!

SG:

I am!

CG:

Me!

SG:

Me!

CG:

Me!

SG:

Me!

CG:

Me me me me me me...

SG:

Me me me me me me... (in unison)

CG:

Alright, I'll admit it! I'm not Space Ghost!

SG:

You're not?

CG:

No, I'm really... (dramatic sting music) Chad Ghostal, Tad's previously unseen evil twin escaped lunatic brother!

SG:

Chad! What are you doing here?

CG:

Well, I believe the TV Guide calls it a guest shot.

SG:

No no no, I mean, what do you want?

CG:

The usual. Pain, suffering, misery...

E:

Mmmmm!

SG:

But why, Chad? Why?

CG:

It's how I get my kicks, Tad-ikins. 'Cause I'm Chad Ghostal, Evil Twin. Right, baby? (cat growl)

E:

Alright.

CG:

Brace yourself for a sound butt-kicking, Tad. In 3D, and sensurround.

SG:

Ha! Don't bet on it, Chad!

Z:

Hey, Moltar! Fifty bucks on the evil twin! (Holds up sign saying "ROUND 1")

(Fight bell rings, and crowd noise begins. Tad and Chad faces off, then phone rings)

M:

Uh, guys, its... it's your mother.

SG:

Mother?! (gasp)

CG:

Mother?! (gasp)

Mom Ghostal (MG):

Tad! Chad! I want you both to stop this nonsense this minute! You hear me?

SG:

He started it!

CG:

Did not!

SG:

Did too!

MG:

Shut up, the both of you! Now Chad, I've spoken to you before about you trying to kill your brother, haven't I? Now you two stop fighting and be good, okay?

CG:

Okay, love you, Mom, Mommy, please forgive me, I'm sorry, Mommy.

SG:

Sorry, Mom, love you Mom.

MG:

Well, I gotta go, my story's on. Bye bye, sugars!

SG:

Bye, Mommy!

CG:

Bye, Mommy! (phone hangs up) Well, Tad, it's been real! Real stupid! Hey Elvira, you rocket from the crypt, you! I am outta here!

E:

Alright! So am I! (laughs)

CG:

See you in the green room, in five!

E:

Unpleasant dreams!

CG:

(flies off) ("whoosh!")

SG:

(invisos to desk) Well, you know what they say. (laughs) Any show you can walk away from is a good one.

Lokar (L):

(bounds in, looking exactly like Space Ghost but smaller) Spaaaace Ghoooost! Ah!

Z:

Oh, brother!

SG:

(sighs) What is it now, Chad?

L:

Excuse me, I am Space Ghost, you duplicitous imposter! Beloved television r-r-r-raconteur and intergalactic do-gooder!

Z:

(sighs) Give it up, Lokar, it's been done, to death!

L:

Ehh, Lokar? But I am Space Ghost!

SG:

No, I'm Space Ghost!

L:

Alas and alack, I am scuttled! You've found me out! (pulls his mask off) You big lumpy lump!

SG:

(blasts him with destructo ray)

(Credits roll)

E:

(laughs) Okay!

("whoosh!")

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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