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:WAITING

(Set is empty, with only Zorak on the bandstand)

Zorak (Z):

Pssst, Moltar! Is the Ghost around?

Moltar (M):

(laughs) Okay, get this! I told him he had a package, down in the mail room. (laughs) I laid a buncha traps for him, along the way. Y'know, to slow him down a little.

Z:

(laughs) Good one!

Space Ghost (SG):

(fighting a giant stone creature) You want a piece of me? Well, COME GET SOME! Ow!

M:

His birthday is today.

Z:

So what?

M:

I kinda want to give him a surprise party. And I'm gonna round up the Council of Doom to "help out". (laughs) That's "help out" with quotes around it.

Z:

(laughs) Lordy lord lord! You're sick!

SG:

(on the monitor, fighting a giant blue robot) You want a piece of me? Well, come... (robot pounds him into the ground) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

M:

So, you and the band can do the music, right? Y'know, your standard party gig. He'll be thirty this year!

Z:

Thirty? (impersonating Gary Coleman) Whatch'you talkin' 'bout, Moltar?

M:

I'm serious! Dead serious, if you know what I mean! (laughs)

Z:

Ahh! I get it! Surprise! (evil laugh)

M:

Yeah! Surprise! Boom! (evil laugh) (long pause) Hey Zorak!

Z:

What?

M:

Boom! (both laugh)

SG:

(still being pounded into the ground) If this is a bad time, I can check back.

(Opening theme & titles)

(Studio is empty and silent; Zorak looks around)

Z:

Moltar! Has Space Ghost made it to the mail room yet?

M:

(throws a lever, revealing Space Ghost on the monitor, being attacked by a space spider) Ehh, he's gonna be a while.

Z:

Well, I'm gonna take over the show until he returns... if he returns! (evil laugh)

M:

Yeah, whatever.

Z:

"Zorak Coast to Coast." Mmm, I rather like that. Christy, play me to the desk!

(Christy plays Zorak to the desk)

Z:

Please welcome my first guest. (screen lowers with Vinnie) Identify yourself!

Vinnie Dombroski (VD):

Um, I, I'm Vinnie.

Z:

Uh huh.

VD:

From the band "Sponge".

Z:

Mmm, never heard of ya.

VD:

Oh, ah...

Z:

(blasts him)

(In the control room)

M:

The big 3-0, thirty big ones.

Black Widow (BW):

Thirty, mmmm...

M:

So, what do ya think, he shows up here promptly at three o'clock every day, you could do the studio up all nice with your webs and all.

BW:

What do you mean?

M:

You know, streamers, lanterns, little webby basket party favors, all that crap. He likes those frilly things.

BW:

How about a little something that will ensnare the ghost and strangle his soul and place his consciousness into a never ending painful inferno! ¡Los supremos tormentos!

M:

Yeah, yeah, crap like that!

(In the studio)

Z:

Make me laugh!

Jimmie Walker (JW):

(laughs) Two teens and a monkey, well...

Z:

Good one! (blasts him) Make me laugh!

Mike Watt (MW):

(laughs)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

(In the control room)

BW:

(to Moltar) Now, how about noisemakers? We hand out earplugs to everyone except the ghost, and toot our little horns! Blam! Damaged ear canal! (laughs)

M:

(laughs)

(In the mail room)

SG:

Hey, how's it going? Package for Space Ghost, please.

Mailroom Guy (MG):

Ghost, ghost, ghost. Hmmm... Nope, no Ghost here.

SG:

Check under Ghostal.

(In the studio

Z:

Hello, Smithereens. How would you like it if I blew you to smithereens! (evil laugh)

Dennis Diken (DD):

(laughs)

Pat DiNizio (PD):

(laughs)

Z:

Naw, I guess that's kinda dumb.

DD:

Yeah.

PD:

Yeah.

Z:

Yeah, it's stupid.

PD:

Yosemite Sam would say, "I'll blow you varmints to smithereens".

Z:

(blasts them) I don't watch that show.

(In the control room)

M:

(to Metallus) It'll be beautiful, man! Beautiful!

Metallus (M):

(drones)

M:

(laughs) Yeah!

M:

(drones)

M:

(laughs hysterically)

(In the studio)

Z:

Welcome to my show. Are you getting enough oxygen, my sweet?

Juliana Hatfield (JH):

(long pause) Um...

Z:

Ah, what do I care? (blasts her)

Ben Folds (BF):

You're Zorak!

Z:

You're gone! (blasts him)

(In the mailroom)

SG:

Uhhh, what do you mean, "I need ID"?

MG:

How do I know you're not some imposter? I mean, if you were from another dimension, and ended up being an evil twin, a clone or something.

SG:

I beg your pardon! I believe I saved this whole department from The Diabolical Mailer! I saved you all, and this is the thanks I get!

MG:

Saved lives or not, sir, I still need to see ID.

SG:

Holy Tim Schnack! You guys are worse than payroll!

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

Z:

Thanks for coming back, folks. Space Ghost is, ah... out. So I'll be filling in for him until he returns.

Cameron Diaz (CD):

(giggles)

Z:

Who are you?

CD:

Hewwo, Joe. (giggles)

Z:

Supermodels say the darnedest things!

CD:

(giggles)

Z:

You're gone! (blasts her)

(In the control room)

Lokar (L):

All r-r-right, how's this? (Hawaiian music in background) We have a Polynesian bovine feast, a luau if you will.

M:

Uh huh.

L:

Yes, yes, yes, and we'll call it "Lu Wow", exclamation point! And we'll have Black Widow pass out leis, with a little kissy for each in attendance, and we'll caper about in our little grass pinafores to delicious calypso melodies, and we'll limbo until dawn and then some. Oh, it will be glorious!

M:

Wait, wait, wait, wait! That's going a bit overboard, don't you think?

L:

Oh, I see, you want to downplay it. Well then, how about Mar-di G-r-ras? (Dixieland jazz music in background) Fanciful hats and disguises, body paint, capering about in the hedges! Oh, and the dancing! And don't forget the crawfish! Don't forget to pinch the tail! (laughs)

M:

(laughs) Oh, no, no, no, no, no! We want to get in close and personal. And then, WHAM! (evil laugh) Hit him hard! Humiliate him! Make the baby cry! (evil laugh)

L:

Oh, aren't we the bitter little spitfire!

(In the mailroom)

SG:

Oh, for humanity! If I were, say, Superman, and I wanted to pick up a package for Clark Kent...

MG:

He'd need ID.

SG:

Spiderman for Peter Parker?

MG:

ID.

SG:

Batman for Bruce Wayne, or that poser Adam West?

MG:

ID!

SG:

Wonder Woman for Diana Prince?

MG:

What are you getting at, mister?

SG:

How'd you like it if I zapped you good?

(In the control room)

L:

Well, how about a fifties motif? (Fifties music in background) I'll pretend to be R-r-reggie, the loathsome miscreant from the w-r-rong side of the t-r-racks.

M:

Likin' it.

L:

You, my good man, can be Molly, my good times gal, torn between her cherished beau and her wealthy patrician family that despises his vulgar ways.

M:

Yeah, and, uh, the ghost?

L:

Pigtails and a poodle skirt!

M:

Yes! (evil laugh)

L:

I'll be right over, meine liebschen! Shall we cater?

M:

No, that's already taken care of. (throws a switch, Lokar disappears and is replaced by Tansut)

Tansut (T):

Hey, fellow helmeteer! Predicate!

M:

Tansut, my man!

(In the studio)

Mark McEwen (MM):

You want to see me do my Ramones impersonation?

Z:

Okay.

MM:

"One two three four." That's it.

Z:

Wait a second. You're not Al Roker!

MM:

(scats)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

Wes Johnson (WJ):

Hey, we outta here?

Z:

Yeah.

WJ:

Alright.

Z:

(blasts him)

(In the control room)

T:

Can we jab him?

M:

Sure.

T:

Can we poke at him?

M:

You can do that.

T:

Can we crumple him?

M:

Sure! Whatever you want.

T:

Can we hit him with the rusty metal?

M:

Eh, what rusty metal?

T:

You know, the rusty metal!

M:

Eh, yeah, of course!

T:

Last time you wouldn't let me hit him with the rusty metal!

M:

Hey, now, I didn't say that!

T:

You did, you said that the rusty metal would cut him...

M:

Yeah, well, well...

T:

And you said that the rusty metal might give him an infection. You did, you said that! That's what you said!

M:

Well... (sigh) Now I'm saying different.

T:

So now you're saying different.

M:

Look, are you coming over or not?

T:

I, I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

M:

Ohhhh, don't be that way!

T:

Well...

M:

Well what?

T:

(on the verge of crying) It's just that every time you call me, I come all the way over there, and I don't get to do jack!

M:

You know what? I don't even care if you come to my stupid party anymore!

T:

Well, maybe I don't want to come!

M:

Well, maybe I don't want you to come!

T:

Oh yeah?

M:

Yeah!

T:

(pause) So, should I bring a cake or something?

M:

That'll be fine.

(In the mailroom)

SG:

Okay, fine, I don't have an ID. Is that what you want me to say? I left it in the Phantom Cruiser. I forgot it! Now, give me my stinkin' package!

MG:

I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to go back to your, "Phantom Cruiser", did you call it, and get your ID, because ain't no package leaving here without one. You get me, big guy?

SG:

Hey, wait. I'll let you see under my mask.

MG:

What?!

SG:

I'll let you see under my mask.

MG:

I don't have time for this, Space Man, Space Master. You getting it?

SG:

Uh...

MG:

Next in line, please!

(In the control room)

Brak (B):

I like to eat used cotton swabs with earwax on 'em! And, um, pieces of curb.

M:

No! I said, food! I need you to bring food, to the party!

B:

What kind of food do you want me to bring?

M:

It has to be edible! Edible!

B:

Uhhh, milk solids! Asparagus, Ibuprofin?

M:

No!

B:

Ohhhh, I know what I like to eat!

M:

What?!

B:

Boogers.

M:

(sigh)

B:

I'm not a cook, I'm a villain!

(In the mailroom)

MG:

Here's your great big package.

SG:

This is it? All that trouble for this crappy little envelope?

MG:

Look, what do you want from me? A parade?

SG:

Uh...

MG:

Huzzah!

SG:

Oh, don't mock me!

(In the studio)

Dr. Robert Bakker (DRB):

A nose flute, a big nose flute. L-i-i-i-i-ke that.

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

Matt Talbott (MT):

I don't think I have a lot of enemies, I make a lot of friends.

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

Judy Tenuta (JT):

Oh, I do look good...

Z:

You're gone. (blasts her)

Lori Fetrick (LF):

(appears briefly)

Steve Henneberry (SH):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts them)

Method Man (MM):

(looks at Zorak)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

Jill Cunniff (JC):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts her)

M:

Zorak!

Rodney Trevon Oliver (RTO):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

M:

Zorak!

Rev. Norbert St. Louis (RNSL):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts him)

M:

Zorak!

Les Claypool (LC):

(appears briefly)

Larry Lalonde (LL):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're gone. (blasts them)

M:

ZORAK!

Bobcat Goldthwait (BG):

(appears briefly)

Z:

You're g... What?

M:

Everybody's here. Lokar's got the theme figured out, Widow's decorating, Metallus will work the crowd, Tansut's got the food, and Brak, well, who knows what he's doing, and you guys got... (interrupted by noise)

Z:

Here he comes!

M:

Everybody quick! Behind the drapes!

BW:

Shut up! Shut up! Here he comes!

L:

Hush up!

BW:

Don't touch me, you pigs!

T:

Hey, I think I see him.

M:

(drones)

L:

Will you please shut up!

B:

I gotta go to the bathroom!

SG:

(bounds in) Look, Zorak, look, look!

Z:

Oooh, an envelope!

SG:

Not just an envelope! It's the envelope! The envelope of goodness!

Z:

Ehhh!! Keep it away from me!

SG:

It gives me the power to get twelve CD's for a penny!

Z:

Mmmm.

SG:

Hey, what's that over there?

Z:

What's what?

SG:

What are those, drapes? Moltar, what are those drapes doing on the set?

M:

I don't see any drapes.

Z:

What drapes?

SG:

Well, I'm just going to blast them then.

Z:

Uh, No!! No no no! Um, uh, er, I, I wouldn't, um, uh... (pause) okay, go ahead.

L:

(from behind drapes) Oh, no, don't harm me! I am a tired old set of d-r-rapes.

SG:

But, you don't match my desk. (blasts them)

Council of Doom (COD):

Aargh!!

B:

My bottom's on fire! (smoke continues to billow) Roll the credits!

(Credits roll)

SG:

Hey, how's it goin'?

(Matt closes the door)

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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