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:WAITING

(Opening theme, with spiffy new titles, and Letterman-type band music in background. )

Announcer (A):

From the Ghost Planet, try our famous pecan log! It's Space Ghost, Coast to Coast! Tonight, Janeane Garofolo, hypnotist Flip Orley, Foo Fighter Dave Grohl, and John Popper. (camera zooms in on building and flies through the window, breaking the glass, then it flies down the hall toward the studio) Plus Zorak and the Original Way Outs. And now, the ghost who put the word "host" in Space Ghost, (with echo, as in original cartoon show) Spaaaaace Ghooooost! (audience applause)

Space Ghost (SG):

Hello, and welcome to the big show, kids. I'm your host Space Ghost, but please feel free to call me... Space. (Zorak plays the organ)

(Studio audience continues to applaude; they are all mantises, including one extremely ugly one in the front row)

Zorak (Z):

You are one nutty fabulous cuckoo, hi-yo... (cough) Well, you know.

SG:

And now I'd like to harvest a bumper crop of belly laughs with some hilarious opening joke statements. So, uh, I'm coming to work, and my friction detector sense a strange force invading my personal perimeter. Turns out it was just a lonely fat guy rubbing up against me. (rim shot) Ha, heh, hee hee! Oh, man. (Zorak plays the keys) Got that, Zorak? "Friction detector."

Z:

(laughs) Friction detector!

SG:

Jerry, Jerry, can we get a close-up of that guy over there? Hey, hey, Zorak! Get a load of that guy. Yow! (closeup of ugly mantis)

Z:

Yes!

SG:

You is one ugly space dude! (Ugly mantis looks sad, then a tear trickles down his cheek)

Z:

Oh, that's cold!

SG:

Now, I have a special message for any intelligent life forms that may be receiving this television signal trillions of light-years away, in the farthest reaches of the universe. (pause) (Italian accent) Hey, how ya doin', kids?

Z:

(plays the keys)

(Shot of studio audience)

SG:

Moltar, get me a close-up of the hem of my cape.

(Camera shows close-up of Space Ghost's cape)

SG:

Is it me, or this cape hanging low? Is it me? I mean, I'm practically dusting the linoleum.

Z:

Dusting the linoleum, sir!

SG:

Can I get some scissors out here? Scissors?

Z:

Scissors? Hi-yo!

SG:

Scissors, please? Scissors? Scissors! Scissors, please!

Moltar (M):

(in control room) He knows they won't let him have scissors.

SG:

Now, ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor and put your hands together and say hello to Zorak. Or, or as we say in Indiana, Zoo-rake.

Z:

(plays the keys)

(Shot of silent studio audience)

SG:

They're like a bunch of stunned carp out there. Uh, Zorak, you have a special surprise for us?

Z:

Yes I do, pinhead!

SG:

Go on with your bad self!

Z:

Pinhead!

SG:

Again!

Z:

Pinhead, pinhead, pinhead!

SG:

(laughs) Who has more fun on their little cartoon show than us?

Z:

I hate you.

SG:

Zorak, ladies and gentlemen. Zorak!

Z:

Okay! Tonight, sitting in with the band, from Blues Traveller, it's John Popper!

(Monitor lowers on bandstand with John)

John Popper (JP):

(plays blues harp and sings)
Here's a little story,
About a certain talk show host,
He goes by the moniker, that's French,
of monsieur Space Ghost.

SG:

(laughs) That mouth harp is catchy, John! How d'ya operate it?

JP:

It's a lot like life, you have to blow, and you have to suck.

Z:

Oh boy...

SG:

(Something harmonica boy said; there could be a joke in there. If only I could reformulate it, and throw it back to him. Hmmmm...)

M:

It's officially a lull.

SG:

(I know!) Where's my pineapple?

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

(Italian accent) Hey, kids, how's it goin'?

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

Uh, now it's time for a quiz. Zorak, do you have a little quiz music?

Z:

Uh uh. I'm shedding my exoskeleton.

SG:

I told you to shed before the show.

Z:

Ahhhh! It's so itchy!

SG:

(motions toward destructo ray button, aiming at Zorak)

Z:

(starts playing quiz music)

(camera is on Zorak playing)

SG:

Question number one - This man is:
A: The Lone locust of the Apocalypse
B: The Last of the Red Hot Mamas
C: An Aphid munching Geranium Jockey
And the answer is... (John plays the harmonica) the answer is... and the answer is...

JP:

(moves hands as if playing drums) Bom bom bom bom...

SG:

And the answer is...

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

... not circled on my card. Let's move on, shall we?

Z:

(plays more quiz music)

(picture of Bill Clinton look-alike eating)

SG:

Savvy New Yorkers recognize this man as:
A: A city worker on a break
B: A boat show visitor
C: John Popper's less successful brother, Pudgy Popper

JP:

Oh, it's that kind of show!

M:

Oh, great! Cue the singing frog, camera one.

(Nifty Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Nifty Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

SG:

All righty! Time for tonight's Big Ten List. (applause)

(Music and snazzy graphic with spinning numbers from 1 to 10, ending with "Space Ghost BIG 10 LIST" graphic at end)

(Each item appears on the screen, from the bottom up)

SG:

Here we go, kids. Number ten: (drum roll) Larry King's left suspender. Number four: Hydroponic Culkins. Number seventeen: Everywhere you look - Dizzy Whip. Y'know, I don't think there's a man, woman or child (drum roll stops) on the face of the earth today that doesn't enjoy a steamin' cold mug full o' Dizzy Whip.

Z:

Dizzy Whip, sir!

SG:

Number six: (drum roll) Gillooly's butt. Number three sixty-one: A derby full of Nyquil. And number one: (tympani roll) Two words.

(Final screen contents:)
SPACE GHOST
BIG TEN LIST
1. TWO WORDS
361. A DERBY FULL OF NYQUIL
6. GILLOOLY'S BUTT
17. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK -- DIZZY WHIP
4. HYDROPONIC CULKINS
10. LARRY KING'S LEFT SUSPENDER

SG:

(sniff) Uh, that's it. We have any music here?

Z:

(plays Mexican hat dance excerpt)

SG:

It's getting like a Mexican game show in here.

Z:

(growls) ¡Te detesto! (also as subtitle)

SG:

Hey kids, do you like the rock and roll? Then say hello to Erma Bombeck.

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

(talking to someone off-camera) Wha... Are you sure? (to camera) Oh dear. Well then, please welcome Janeane Garofolo.

Z:

(plays the keys)

(Monitor lowers with Janeane)

SG:

You're Janeane Garofolo. Quick, who am I?

Janeane Garofolo (JG):

Space Ghost.

SG:

Are you sure you're not Uma or Oprah?

JG:

(laughs, then coughs)

SG:

("Killing me Softly" in background) Uma... Oprah... Oprah... Uma...

Z:

(singing) Killing me softly with his jokes...

SG:

What about Kukla or Kinko?

JG:

Zorak wants us to (motions with her hand and whispers) wrap it up.

SG:

Zorak can lick my center of gravity.

Z:

Not even with Moltar's tongue.

M:

(in control room) Technically speaking, it's an oblong titanium slat.

SG:

Anyways, getting back to...

Z:

What are your secret powers?

JG:

I have the amaaazing ability to forget people's, uh, names, after meeting them even a number of times.

SG:

Quick, who am I?

JG:

Space Ghost.

SG:

Wrong. My name is Luca, I live on the second floor.

JG:

(laughs)

SG:

(She is one happenin' lady.) Janeane, you are one happenin' lady.

JG:

Thank you.

SG:

Describe your ideal man.

JG:

Deep resonant voice.

SG:

Booming?

JG:

Booming voice.

SG:

Beefy?

JG:

Beefy burly voice.

SG:

Big chunks o' beef and noodles, like a stroganoff?

JG:

Don't forget the cheese.

SG:

Yes, cheese! Delicious cheese!

M:

Feta cheese.

Z:

Fuzzy cheese.

M:

Quease cheese.

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

Cheese. It's what's for dinner. (Italian accent) Hey, how ya doin', kids?

Z:

(plays the keys)

SG:

If you could date anyone, and I mean anyone, who would it be?

JG:

Ummm... Catwoman and Pat Buchanan.

SG:

(laughs) Janeane, this is a family show. Please keep your hippy-time freak-out love jams to yourself.

JG:

(shrugs)

SG:

(clears his throat) Let's answer our viewer mail. (intro music) This is an actual response to actual letters from actual viewers. (looks at letter) No, No, No, No, Maybe, No, Uh uh, Good Lord no!, No, and Maybe. Quick, Janeane, do some comedy.

JG:

(tries to lean on her elbow but misses) Whoop!

SG:

(laughs) Whoop, there it is! But seriously, Janeane, tell us the truth about cats and dogs.

JG:

Can't, that gives it away.

SG:

Tell us!

JG:

I'm sorry, you gotta be cleared for that.

SG:

I must know the truth!

Z:

You want the truth?

SG:

I demand the truth.

Z:

You can't handle the truth!

JG:

(laughs)

SG:

(stares back, then looks at Zorak and clears his throat)

Z:

I had a part in the movie, and I, uh, brought a clip.

SG:

Zorak, I had no idea! Go ahead and roll it, Jerry. Yeah, this should be solid gold.

(Picture of animal shelter, with Zorak's silhouette in forground holding a fork and knife. Sound of dogs barking in background)

Z:

I will devour each and every one of you, that is the truth! Do you know the muffin man? (evil laugh)

SG:

Don't quit your day job, mantis! So Janeane, word on the street is you have tattoos.

JG:

How did you know about that?

SG:

Does that make you cool?

JG:

I think I am, but ask me again in about five minutes.

SG:

I would, but my guess is, ya won't be around.

JG:

I have to go to the bathroom.

SG:

Let me show you the way.

JG:

Thank you, Space Ghost.

SG:

(blasts her off the monitor with his destructo ray)

M:

Oh boy, I'll be hearing from her people.

Z:

I knew this wasn't gonna work.

(Nifty Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Nifty outer space scene bumper)

SG:

Welcome back, vast North American viewing audience. Now it's time for something we like to call, "Stupid Zorak Tricks". Whadd'ya have cooked up for us tonight, Zorak?

Z:

I have covered my keyboard with a mucus-y membrane. (shot of keyboard covered in green goo)

SG:

Aaand...

Z:

And, that's it. Just the mucus-y membrane.

SG:

Right, right. That's not much of a trick, do you have anything else?

Z:

I could vibrate.

SG:

Uh huh.

Z:

(vibrates back and forth, with sound effects)

JP:

Yeah, okay.

SG:

(sucks in breath, puts his head in his hand) Yep, that's money in the bank.

M:

Leno has Hugh Grant, and we've got a vibrating insect.

SG:

That's enough, Zorak. You're making us all sick.

Z:

I'm a little logey myself.

SG:

Well, take a little standing nap. (to audience) For weeks now, my mother has been reporting to us from the desolate surface of the ice planet Zeron. (Mom Ghost appears on monitor, shivering, with ice planet in background) Hi, Mom!

Mom Ghost (MG):

Hi, sweetie.

JP:

Mom!

SG:

She's my mom, not yours!

JP:

(makes growling sound)

SG:

So tell me, Mom, how's everything going on that remote hunk of frozen rock?

MG:

(shivering) Fine, honey.

SG:

So, how ya holdin' up in the poisonous ammonia atmosphere?

MG:

(sighs) Just okay. (shivering) All the radiation makes me tired, and my vital organs are givin' me fits.

SG:

And we all know how painful that can be.

MG:

I may be askin' for one of your space kidneys soon.

SG:

(laughs) Hang in there, Mom!

MG:

When can I come home? I'm cold. (shivers)

SG:

Not until sweeps is over. So long, Mom!

MG:

Bye bye, sugar.

SG:

(laughs) That was Mom, Zorak! Oh, she's something, isn't she?

Z:

Yes!

SG:

There she goes, kids, that's my mom! (she fades from monitor) (applause) Let's keep it goin' for her. (applause continues) Everybody loves the visits with my mom. And, and I'll tell you straight out, they leave me, jazzed.

Z:

You feelin' jazzed right now?

SG:

Jazzed, to the max! Zorak, do you feel jazzed?

Z:

I'm jazzed, baby! Jazz, jazz, jazz-a, jazz, jazz, hi-yo!

SG:

(pause) (aside) Wha? Now what? Are you sure we have time for this? You're positive? (to audience, with less enthusiasm) Hokay. Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for big time Hollywood hypnotist Flip Orley.

Flip Orley (FO):

(on monitor) Hey, thanks for having me, Space Ghost.

SG:

(under his breath) Thank Tony Randall for cancelling. (aloud) So, that's some jacket you got there, Flip. Looks like something the mantis would wear.

FO:

Yeah, and I've got the, the little dingle balls on the, on the jacket, which, obviously, if you look at the dingle balls, very closely, you can actually fall under my power... (keeps talking)

Z:

Dingle balls, yes!

SG:

(Stay... interested...)

Z:

I can hear you.

FO:

Have you ever been drunk, Space Ghost?

SG:

Nope, but I've been jazzed. But right now I'm not jazzed. Nope, not very jazzed.

FO:

Even now, even as we speak?

SG:

(pause) I'm sorry, what?

FO:

(laughs) I guess we'll move on. (laughs)

SG:

(hums to himself) So, uh, how's your summer going?

FO:

Space Ghost, what kind of a dupe do you take me for? What kind of a moron, wha, what do you think I am?

Z:

What do you think I am?

SG:

Did you say something?

FO:

Uh, we were starting to do an interview.

Z:

Starting the interview process, yes!

SG:

So, uh, know any good... what is it you do again?

FO:

I can actually make people think I'm invisible, through my hypnotic powers.

Z:

Hypnotic powers.

SG:

That would be doing us all a favor.

FO:

Wow, that's kind of personal, Space Ghost, isn't it?

Z:

Yes!

SG:

Let's see... (hums to himself) What else? Hey, are you jazzed?

FO:

Yeah, I, um, I'm jazzed.

Z:

Yes! I am jazzed!

SG:

Excuse me, won't you, Chip?

FO:

My name is Flip. Flip Orley, Hypno-man.

SG:

Sure, yeah. Zorak, do me a solid and hypnotize this dingle ball into something cool.

JP:

Put him to sleep.

Z:

(eyes turn into spiral pattern, rotating counterclockwise) We brellah bing cleeya pakka vinsta loopah sahtah 'teebesta noabrella blah!

(Flip's face distorts and morphs into Dave Grohl's)

Dave Grohl (DG):

Thank you.

SG:

Speak to me, oh spirit! Are ya a cool guest come to help us? Or, are ya just another big load?

DG:

(chewing gum) My name is David Grohl, I play in a band called the Foo Fighters.

SG:

Bingo! Pay dirt! Atta boy, bonanza! Now we're cookin' with gas! I am now once again certifiable jazzed, kids!

DG:

You're a lucky man.

SG:

And, you're a punk, aren't ya?

DG:

I'm a punk.

SG:

I knew it. I'm a little bit frightened of you, and I like the feeling. It's all tingly. (Italian accent) Hey, how ya doin', kids?

Z:

(plays the keys)

DG:

It's wonderful.

SG:

So, what's the deal with Foo?

DG:

Foo's good.

SG:

So, you're pro-Foo, and not anti-Foo?

DG:

We do, not actually fight Foo. We are, the Foo Fighters.

SG:

(laughs) God bless ya, Dave. Now Dave, do you like me?

DG:

(laughs) I suppose.

SG:

Hear that, Zorak? Dave thinks I'm cute. What do you think of the show, big D?

DG:

Your show is so great! I just can't even tell you, it's really wonderful! I'd, I'd, my mother watches it, every, every, uh, every night that it's on, whenever it is.

SG:

My mom would watch too, but the ice planet's septic atmosphere has infected her eyes badly, so she can't...

DG:

I, can't even imagine what your mother would look like.

SG:

She looks like me, with red lipstick.

Z:

You've been known to wear red lipstick after one too many wine coolers.

SG:

That's it. (blasts Zorak with his destructo ray)

Z:

Oww! (Popper's monitor goes flying through the explosion) (coughs) You can explain to Charivari what happened to their vest. (coughs) Hi-yo!

SG:

Dave, you are currently touring the galaxy. What other shows have you appeared on?

DG:

I think that we've performed on the David Letterman show before.

SG:

Whovid Whatterman? Never heard of him.

DG:

Like, he can't hold a candle to you, Space Ghost, no way.

SG:

Ho, I can hold candles. It's the scissors they won't let me touch. They're afraid I'll hurt my foot again. Y'see, I got this giant blister. Like a door knob!

Z:

Ewww!

M:

(makes gagging noises, walks away from his console)

SG:

And I'm cutting away the dead skin, right? Like a big giant fleshy pancake. Flip, flop, flip, flop, I couldn't walk for seven months! I still wear a smaller bootie on that foot.

DG:

Mucus is a problem in space, what with the decompression, and comp-, y'know.

SG:

Boy, you're tellin' me! Man, at the end of the day, my suit is filled with it! Come around five, when I take off that suit, it's like a Jell-O mold, squeezin' out. Hey Zorak, you ever get the suit mucus?

Z:

Suit mucus, yes sir!

JP:

Does he look all mucus-y?

Z:

Like an Irish oyster.

SG:

Well, Dave, thanks for coming!

DG:

(looks around) What?

SG:

Thanks for joining us.

DG:

(looks around, puzzled)

SG:

That's it. (blasts Dave off of monitor with destructo ray) (applause) Dave Grohl, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Now, strap yourselves in, boys and girls, it's time for a special treat. Where's Morty?

Z:

We had to amputate that infected limb.

SG:

I mean Moltar, where's Moltar?

M:

(on Space Ghost's monitor, with outdoors backdrop; he clears his throat)

SG:

Thanks for joining us, Moltar.

M:

Yeah.

SG:

(background music) Y'know, folks, from time to time, we like to send our director Moltar into the universe with a hidden camera and earpiece through which I give commands. It's a real hoot! We call it "Fun with Moltar" (superimposed screen title "Fun with Moltar") Here's Moltar at Burger Town, ladies and gentlemen, watch your monitors, and kids, you at home, as usual, use your televisions. Okay, Moltar, say "I'd like some french fries."

M:

(standing in front of speakerphone at drive-in) I'd like some french fries?

SG:

"And a strawberry shake."

M:

And a strawberry shake.

SG:

Say "That's all," then pay him, then eat the food.

M:

What's so funny about this?

SG:

Just do it. Then, we sent Moltar to see the fire serpent.

(Animated fire serpent appears on monitor, from old "Space Ghost" cartoon. Moltar is with the serpent in a cave)

SG:

Say "Hello, my name is Jimmy."

M:

Uh, I, I don't know about this.

SG:

"Hello, my name is Jimmy."

M:

Hello, my name is Jimmy.

SG:

Now say "Do you want to see me do the jazz box?"

M:

What, are you kiddin', he'll murder me!

SG:

Do the jazz box, Moltar.

M:

You get out here and dance!

SG:

Do the jazz box, Moltar.

M:

But...

SG:

Jazz box, jazz box, jazz box! Start dancin', metal head!

M:

Eh! Here goes... (sings and dances) Ink, a dinka dink, a dinka dink, a dinka do...

(Fire serpent advances and breaths flames on him)

M:

Aaagh!!! Aaaaagh!!

(Moltar is in flames) (laughter from audience)

SG:

(laughs) Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, kids. (Popper starts playing his harmonica in background) I'd like to thank my guests, Janeane Garofolo, Flip Orley, Dave Grohl, and Popper. (Popper keeps playing his harmonica) Popper, stop that infernal noise! (he keeps playing) Popper! Popper! (he blasts Popper with his destructo ray)

(Credits roll)

M:

So, uh, what did you think of the show tonight?

SG:

That show blew like the solar wind. We had better run the standby.

M:

Cheez, the standby? It's a pretty old one.

SG:

Who's on that one?

M:

Flip Orley. He hypnotizes Teri Garr.

SG:

Oh please!

Z:

I'm jazzed, baby!

SG:

That's it, prepare my escape pod. I'm going to ABC.

(Theme song big finish)

(Glass breaking)

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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