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:WAITING

(In the Ghost Planet commissary)

Moltar (M):

(slurps soda) Beef-a-roni.

Zorak (Z):

(slurps coffee) Beef-a-ghetti.

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti.

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Space Ghost (SG):

Fellas, fellas! (laughing) Come on, now! They're both so good!

M:

Shut up!

Z:

Shut up!

(Glass breaks in background)

SG:

Well!

(Opening theme & titles)

Announcer (A):

Good evening and bon appetit! It's Space Ghost Coast to Coast! Tonight, a no-holds-barred cook-off between television chefs Emeril Lagasse, Nathalie Dupree and Martin Yan. Plus, Zorak and the Original Way Outs. And now, prepare to clean your palate with a fresh blast of minty wintergreen! Spaaaaace Ghooooost!

SG:

(invisos in) Buon giorno, hungry citizens! Welcome to our show du jour! Tonight we've got three of TV land's favorite chefs in the kitchen with Space Ghost for a little cooking competition. Here to help us judge the contest, our very own Council of Doom. Lokar.

Lokar (L):

Oh, ho, ho, hi.

SG:

Metallus.

Metallus (M):

(drones)

SG:

Black Widow.

Black Widow (BW):

Whooooooooo!!!

SG:

Tansut.

Tansut (T):

Just me.

SG:

And Brak.

Brak (B):

I got... I got pink eye.

SG:

(sup sup sup) Ready to eat, Zorak?

Z:

Yeah, listen, I want all the bones when we're done.

SG:

Not a problem.

Z:

Make sure he wipes 'em off.

SG:

Okay.

Z:

And, um, uh, get 'em in a bag.

SG:

Okay.

Z:

A bone bag. Gimme a bone bag.

SG:

Enough! You can have all the bones when we're done!

Z:

Thank you.

B:

Somebody! I wanna eat!

SG:

Grab some crackers, that's what the machine's for.

(Way Outs play Space Ghost to the desk)

SG:

(invisos to desk)

M:

Beef-a-roni.

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

SG:

Beef-a-ghetti! Oh, shut up the both of you!

B:

Shut up!

SG:

Thanks, Brak.

B:

No problem.

(Monitor lowers with Emeril)

Emeril Lagasse (EL):

Hey hey!

SG:

Ah, here's our first chef contestant. Greetings, citizen! How are you today?

EL:

I'm doin' unbelievable.

SG:

I believe you! Identify yourself to the universe!

EL:

I am Emeril Lagasse, uh, chef and restaurateur of New Orleans.

SG:

Are you getting enough oxygen, Chief Emeril?

EL:

Uh, I'm uh, I'm getting plenty right now, it's feeling real good.

SG:

Chef, chef, chef, chef, chef, chef. (laughs) Remember him, he was the, the Stooge nobody liked.

Z:

(long cough)

SG:

(to Emeril) Have you ever been in outer space before?

EL:

Absolutely not! I'm kind of excited about this.

SG:

Well, you should be. So, how did you become a (begin echo effect) Chef Of The Future? (end echo effect)

EL:

I started cooking and liked it, and did more of it and liked it, and one day I got up and then I really loved it.

SG:

No way! It can't be that easy!

EL:

You better believe it.

SG:

Well, I don't believe it.

EL:

'kay.

SG:

(pause) Say, Emeril, people are always saying things taste like chicken. You know, frogs, woolly spider monkeys, Herculoids. Is that true?

EL:

Well, you know, um, people drive me crazy when they say like that, it's like, anything that's mysterious, they say, "Well, it tastes like chicken." It doesn't taste like chicken, it, it tastes like frog, or, it, it tastes like rabbit, that's what it is, it's not chicken. Chicken's chicken.

SG:

Huh. I bet Zorak would taste like chicken. Have you ever cooked a giant evil praying mantis?

EL:

Oh, listen, we, we do food from love, food of love. So, uh, evil is not allowed in the kitchen.

Z:

Have you ever cooked a human? Out of love.

EL:

Um, I haven't tried any humans yet.

Z:

Say, do you know Chef Boy-ar-dee?

EL:

Uh, we've never met! We never met. I'd like to meet him someday, though.

Z:

Beef-a-roni or Beef-a-ghetti?

SG:

Zorak!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

M:

Beef-a-roni!

Z:

Beef-a-ghetti!

EL:

Hey, eat a chicken basket, though.

SG:

(clears his throat) What do you like to cook the most, Emeril?

EL:

Well, I, I just like cooking food.

SG:

Well, I just like eating food. What do you like to eat the most?

EL:

I love beef.

Z:

... a-ghetti.

EL:

I love pork too. I think actually pork rules. Actually, in my new book, I think the slogan is, "Pork fat rules."

SG:

"Pork fat rules"?

EL:

Yeah, the flavor is, you just can't beat it.

SG:

Oh, I'm with ya.

EL:

What, what kind of food do you like?

SG:

Emeril, I like food. You know, food food fit in the stomach food.

EL:

You like dense food?

SG:

Indeed I do! The denser the better.

EL:

Muffins?

SG:

Thick, hearty and dense. That's for me!

EL:

Oooh, we'll have to cook something dense for you.

SG:

Uh huh! Would you?

EL:

Some dense cuisine.

SG:

Mmmmmm...

EL:

Gooey and dense.

SG:

Dense, right?

EL:

Yeah!

SG:

I must warn you, I can eat a manly pile!

EL:

That's okay, we got plenty of food!

SG:

Then feed me, Emeril. Make me a manly pile!

EL:

I'm lookin' forward to cookin' for you.

SG:

And I'm looking forward to... eating... from you.

EL:

Space Ghost? (his image begins to fade from monitor)

SG:

Whatever.

EL:

Hello? (his image dissolves into static)

SG:

Anyway, while Emeril goes to the kitchen--

Z:

Hey! Hey! I, I wa-- uh... I, I want the bones when we're done.

SG:

Okey dokey, not a problem.

Z:

I'm thinking about making a soup. (Emeril's image fades back in) Don't, don't forget about the bones!

EL:

Space Ghost...

Z:

That's just what I need for my... bone soup.

EL:

... I told you it was just a matter of time before I had the opportunity to cook for you.

SG:

Oh, uh, Emeril, what are you going to cook with today? Besides your hands, I mean.

EL:

Duck. But not only is it, like, just duck, Space Ghost, it's duck confit, which means it's been like smothered in fat.

SG:

Mmmmmm, I'm in carbohydrate heaven! And, what are you gonna make with this confit?

EL:

Duck tacos with kicked-up salsa, and a lot of bam --

Z:

Bam.

EL:

-- just for you. This is the kicked-up salsa right here. (Space Ghost scoots closer) Black beans, spicy corn, lots of peppers to just put your mouth on fire, and some greens.

SG:

Greens? Eeaaah! I say thee, nay! Oh well, I can scrape 'em off anyway... Uh, what are you putting on the tortillas?

EL:

This is the essence of Emeril right there. And just, these are little baby bams, see? (high voice) Bam bam bam...

SG:

Bam.

Z:

Bam!

EL:

Little baby bams. Now, I gotta like make this incredible... mixture, this duck mixture.

SG:

Did you kill that duck yourself?

EL:

Uh, we kinda don't ask those questions, Space Ghost. On, on Earth here, you know, we got to be careful about those things.

SG:

(low voice) Ooooh, yeah, the duck people.

EL:

In order to try to get you healthy, Space Ghost, at least for five seconds, some greens.

SG:

Ewww, no. Yuk.

EL:

And this is a little cilantro dressing.

SG:

Hey! Is that like ranch?

EL:

This is, uh, it's, it's a little bit different than ranch. But, uh, we can pretend it's ranch dressing if you want, Space Ghost.

SG:

Okay, let's pretend it's ranch dressing!

EL:

Now watch this, we're gonna, we're gonna start by putting this dish together for you. Kinda funky shapes. And, uh, we're gonna do some kicked-up salsa...

Z:

Kick it! Kick it in the head!

EL:

Then we're gonna take some of these greens--

SG:

On the side! Oh, uh, go ahead, put 'em in.

EL:

Then we're gonna do another little tortilla like that. Then... your favorite, without the bones, of course, duck meat.

Z:

Of course.

EL:

Are you with me so far, Space Ghost?

SG:

All the way!

EL:

Then we're gonna put another tortilla, and then we're gonna take the kicked-up salsa again...

Z:

Kick it where it hurts!

EL:

Then we'll, like, put another layer like this.

M:

(watching from control room) Ohhhhh! It's beautiful!

EL:

Then we'll kinda take a little bit more of that duck meat, you see?

SG:

It's so... hefty!

EL:

It's gettin' tall.

SG:

Does it ever end? (harp music in background)

EL:

I don't know how hungry you are, that's why I'm gonna keep building it until you, like, surrender.

SG:

Whoa. I surrender!

EL:

We gotta have to give it a little BAM! --

SG:

(aims his power bands)

EL:

-- just like that, don't get frightened.

SG:

Sorry, dynamic reflexes.

EL:

And that's my dish for you, Space Ghost. It's the, uh, "Kicked-Up Duck Tacos".

SG:

Now, you would smother that in cheese sauce, right?

EL:

That's entirely up to you, Space Ghost.

SG:

Gravy?

EL:

I wouldn't recommend gravy on this, on this particular dish for you.

SG:

'Nilla puddin'?

EL:

No pudding.

SG:

No ketchup?

EL:

No ketchup.

SG:

Tartar sauce.

EL:

You gotta get out of that habit, Space Ghost. I'm trying to kick you up a notch.

SG:

Consider me kicked!

Z:

Hey, the bones.

EL:

Zorak, we'll put the bones, when we're done, in the bag for you, too. Just be patient.

SG:

So, Emeril, who do you think will win here tonight?

EL:

(laughs) Martin has big cleavers, Space Ghost. I just have essence.

SG:

I see! Well, let's see your entry.

(Close-up of kicked-up duck tacos)

Z:

Mmmmmmm! Ahhhhhh!

M:

Mmmmmmm! Ahhhhhh!

SG:

Mmmmmmm! Ahhhhhh!

M:

(still watching from control room) Ahhhhhh! I'm in love!

EL:

It's time to dine!

SG:

We'll be right back!

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

SG:

(not realizing he is on camera) [Belllllllllllllcccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!] Oh man... I undid my belt three notches, and I still feel like ten pounds of potatoes in a three pound sack.

M:

Hey, wide load, we're back.

(Nathalie appears on the monitor)

SG:

Oh, hello there! Welcome, citizen chef! Please identify yourself to the cosmos!

Nathalie Dupree (ND):

I'm Nathalie Dupree. I'm the cook.

SG:

You're the cook?

ND:

Well, yes.

SG:

Oh, I'll be the judge of that.

ND:

Okay.

SG:

Make me a chicken chimichanga!

ND:

(pause) Why?

SG:

Well, because this is a cooking competition. And, because I want a chicken chimi!

ND:

Oh...

SG:

And because this is my show, and because I said so.

ND:

I see...

SG:

Then start cooking!

Z:

Uh, I have a question.

SG:

Zorak has a question.

ND:

Yeah? What does he want to know?

SG:

Make it quick.

Z:

Do you have any bones?

SG:

He wants your bones.

ND:

Hmmm... that's really distressing.

Z:

I need your bones... for my soup... you see, I'm gonna put the bones... in... the soup. And it's... the bones go... in the soup.

SG:

(blasts Zorak)

ND:

That's not very loving.

SG:

Life's not very loving.

ND:

Hmmm...

SG:

So, what's the deal, you gonna cook for me, or what?

ND:

No. No.

SG:

So, you're not going to cook for me.

ND:

Yeah.

SG:

"Yeah" you will, or "yeah" you won't?

ND:

No. (laughs)

SG:

Have it your way, then. Cook, or be cooked! (blasts her off the monitor) Well, you know what they say, if you can't stand the guest, blast her out of the kitchen!

Z:

Liar! Nobody says that!

SG:

Moltar! Gimme a chef that'll play ball!

M:

(throws a lever, sending Martin to the studio monitor)

SG:

Greetings, citizen chef! Identify yourself, please!

Martin Yan (MY):

I am Martin Yan, of the "Yan Can Cook" show.

SG:

Can Yan cook?

MY:

I'll show you later.

SG:

That's what I like to hear! So, citizen Yan...

(In unison with Space Ghost, mocking)

M:

"Are you getting enough oxygen?"

Z:

"Are you getting enough oxygen?"

Z:

Man, am I getting sick of that!

MY:

I have plenty of oxygen, but if I want extra oxygen, I drink soy sauce, doing fermentation, so I got more oxygen, that's how I derive most of my additional oxygen.

SG:

(laughs) Coo-coo-nutty! So, do you have any superpowers besides soy sauce drinking?

MY:

I work out in the kitchen, and I'm powerful enough. But for additional power, (clangs meat cleaver) this is additional power.

SG:

(aims power bands) What are you doing with that?

MY:

(pause) If I don't get nervous, you shouldn't get nervous.

SG:

Hmmm... Good point. (stops aiming)

MY:

You know, I would like to put you in an oven, 375 degree, and roast it.

SG:

Sorry Martin! Yan Can't Cook Space Ghost! It's rude!

MY:

I would put butter on you, and you'd taste better. You taste good, you'd taste even better.

Z:

Cook him! Cook him! Cook him now!

SG:

Shut up, Zorak!

Z:

You shut up!

SG:

Make me!

MY:

When you talk too much, I put an apple in your mouth, and you'll shut up.

Zorak & Moltar (Z&M):

(laugh hysterically)

MY:

... but of course, you're such a nice guy, I would never do that to you.

Z&M:

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Z:

Suck-up!

SG:

Whew! (laughs) I gotta tell you, Marty, for a minute there, I thought you were really gonna cook me! Put those away. You're pretty crazy, you know that? (laughs)

MY:

I'm crazy? That's what my mother told me! I believe it!

SG:

As well you should, my boy, as well you should. So, who do you think is going to win our little cooking contest, hmm?

MY:

You know, Emeril is a good friend of mine, and he's a master chef, and I'm quite sure he'll win.

Z:

Ten bucks on Emeril! (laughs)

MY:

He also is better looking than me, so I better let him win.

Z:

A hundred bucks on Urkel! Er, Emeril!

SG:

Well, then, are you ready to cook, and lose?

MY:

Let's cook, and maybe feed this ghost!

SG:

(pause) Alrighty. We'll be back with more delicious food after these important messages. (giant eyeball appears on monitor) Aaaaa!

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Martin practices chopping with his cleaver)

MY:

(to someone offscreen) I'm sorry, it's this cheap watch. (takes his watch off)

SG:

Say, Martin's back! And, so's my appetite! What are ya making there, Martin?

MY:

I'm gonna show you how to do a chicken, okay?

SG:

Mmmmmm, chicken tastes like chicken!

MY:

First, you see saw your knife, and you roll your bell pepper look like that. (cores & cuts the bell pepper in one motion) Wow, look at that, the whole thing, done! Ah, I am impressed! And then you cut it up (chops rapidly with cleaver) like that. (more chopping) I'm very impatient, that's how come I go so fast.

SG:

Wwwwwhy don't you watch what you're cutting?

MY:

When I look, I get nervous, that's the reason why.

SG:

Oh, I get it. I'm like that with girls.

MY:

You know, this chicken (wiggles the legs around) is somewhat nervous, 'cause it's never, never get such close encounter with a Space Ghost.

SG:

Maybe it's nervous because it's naked.

Z:

Ewwwwwwwwww, yeh!

MY:

So when the chicken is nervous, you know what? You gotta relax your chicken.

(In unison, with weird dramatic sound effect)

SG:

Relax the chicken?!

Z:

Relax the chicken?!

M:

Relax the chicken?!

MY:

If the chicken is not relaxed, like it's nervous, you can't cut through this, see? So, how do you relax a chicken? You hold it with free hand. Now, Moltar, pay attention. And Zorak, pay --

M:

(throws lever in control room, monitor changes to a "CHiPs" episode, where a boat trailer crashes into a parked car) Whoa, speedboat? Look at it backing up.

MY:

You hold onto it like that, you go up and down, up and down, never horizontal movement...

Z:

Hey, get that camera off me!

MY:

Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. After five up and down you go circular motion, like that, ah, the chicken is getting nervous. No more nervous, relaxing. You do about five complete cycles, this is great exercise. One two three four five, one two three four five... (continues exercising the chicken)

SG:

Amazing!

MY:

This is my daily exercise in the kitchen.

Z:

Man, who needs PBS with educational programming like this?

MY:

Then, when it's nice and ready, look at that, the chicken's very relaxed. The chicken is so relaxed --

Z:

The chicken isn't relaxed; the chicken's dead!

SG:

Is not, it was just moving, I saw it!

MY:

This chicken's alive!

Z:

Okay, the chicken's alive. So, Yan can cook. And Yan can go insane. Got it. (whistles)

SG:

Zorak! No insulting the guests!

Z:

Oh, but blasting them is peachy?

SG:

Darn tootin', nephew breath.

MY:

(slaps his cleaver) Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak, pay attention, heh! Three (slap!), two (slap!), one, one cut, another cut, turn around the side, one cut along the back, hold like this, and you disjoint this, and the whole chicken breast comes out, and the thigh, and the leg, comes out, the tenderon, on this side, comes out, turn it to the other side, and then, disjoint this, the whole chicken breast comes out, the thigh, and the leg, comes out, the last piece of the tenderon, comes out... Space Ghost, are you impressed?

SG:

You killed the chicken.

MY:

No I didn't. I just dissected, the word "kill" is not appropriate. I just cut it up because I know that you are hungry.

(Space Ghost visualizes a slow motion replay of Martin cutting up the chicken, with the words "I just dissected" repeating and echoing, and weird sound effects)

MY:

Then, I put the chicken, which you can marinade the chicken, I put it right over here...

SG:

And then what?! You kill some more, o grim reaper!?

MY:

A very little oil, and you stir and you stir, look at this. When the chicken's almost ready, you put the rest of the stuff in, like this. Mmmmm, you know what, it's gonna look very, very good.

SG:

That's barely a recipe!

MY:

Mmmmm! In such a short time, I have showed you how to do two wonderful, delicious, healthy, economical dish that you can serve over rice, or spaghetti...

M:

Beef-a-roni, perhaps?

Z:

No, beef-a-ghetti!

SG:

Or maybe burritos?

MY:

Or, you can wrap this up with a burrito...

SG:

Moltar, a close-up of the grub! (camera shows close-up of the food) Say! That looks good enough to eat! Okay! Thanks for coming, citizen Yan! Goodnight, everybody!

Z:

Hey, hey, hey! The bones!

MY:

Okay. Zorak, ah, have it!

Z:

Yeah, like I'm s'posed to catch that!

SG:

Goodnight, everybody!

M:

Hey! Wait, wai- wai- wa- hol- ho- ho- ho- ... You never told us who won.

SG:

It's a tie. Goodnight, everybody!

M:

Wait, wait, wha- wha- what about the Council of Doom?

SG:

Council of Doom? Where?

L:

Over here, you git!

BW:

(screams, and gets blasted by Space Ghost)

T:

She didn't do anything to you! And now, look at what you did!

SG:

Sorry. Just went off.

T:

I don't think I like you anymore.

SG:

Who invited you guys? Moltar!

L:

You invited us to judge your r-r-ridiculous culinary display.

SG:

I did?

L:

Yes you did.

SG:

(nervous laugh) Well, thank you for coming.

L:

Déjà vu, you pusillanimous pile of pulchritude.

T:

Hey! That's Latin for "beautiful". You, you, you just called him beautiful! (laughs)

L:

Oh.

B:

I think he's pretty.

T:

Why don't you kiss him, already? (laughs)

B:

Okay.

L:

Well, occasionally these multisyllabic words confound even me.

SG:

Hey Lokar, confound this! (aims power bands at Lokar)

L:

Perhaps we can discuss this matt -- aaaahhh!! (gets blasted)

SG:

Well, Tansut, it looks like you've jumped out of the frying pan and into the --

T:

Wait, wait! Don't! No, no! Metallus! Do him first!

M:

(drones)

T:

M comes before T! M comes before T!

SG:

Well, Metallus, looks like you've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire! (blasts him) Tansut!

T:

(subdued) Okay. Now I'm ready. Oh!

SG:

(blasts Tansut) Okay, Widow! Looks like you've jumped ou-- no, I've already got you. Well, Brak, looks like you --

B:

Wait! Wha- wo- we- wait, I mean, is this gonna hurt?

SG:

A wee mite.

B:

Oh, okay, well, just don't get me in the face.

SG:

(blasts Brak)

B:

(coughs and yells)

SG:

How was that?

B:

That hurt!!! Owww!! (coughs) You're gonna hear from my lawyer!

(Credits roll)

B:

I'm hungry, I'm tired! I wanna eat!

(Cleaver clangs)

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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