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:WAITING

(Birdman is on the studio monitor)

Birdman (B):

I just don't know what to do, Tad. (sniff) I'm at the end of my rope.

Space Ghost (SG):

Uh, yeah, well...

B:

Everything was going so great, (sniff) and the Cartoon Network calls me up and says, "oh, sorry, Harvey, but we're passing on your late night show." Just like that, they clip my wings.

SG:

Uh, look, Harvey, I really am sorry about your show, but--

B:

Sylvia's left me, you know, and so has Falcon 7. (sniff) Soon as they heard, the two of them just flew off, faster than you can say... "Biiiiirrrrddd Maaaa--" (coughs violently) (sniff)

SG:

Yeah, wellll...

B:

Look, Tad, can I borrow some money?

SG:

Uh... Sorry, Harvey, no can do.

B:

Please, Tad, my Hanna-Barbera royalties ran out.

SG:

Look, Harv, why don't you call Frankenstein Jr.? The guy's got cash galore!

B:

I called Frankenstein Jr.

SG:

Well, how about the Herculoids?

B:

Eh, eh, listen, I've called the Herculoids. They laughed at me, blobs and all.

SG:

Llllook, I'm sorry, Harvey, but I have a show to do here.

B:

Sure, sure, rub it in. Thanks, pal. Thanks for nothin'. (fades from monitor)

Zorak (Z):

(tsk tsk tsk)

SG:

What?! Like you were gonna lend him money?

(Opening theme & titles)

Announcer (A):

Hello, and welcome to my nightmare! It's Space Ghost Coast to Coast! Tonight, performance artist Laurie Anderson, and percussion group Stomp. Plus, Zorak and the Original Way Outs. And now, here he is, he's behind the second set of double doors, after we go down this long hallway, my best friend, Seth Garden!

SG:

(invisos in) Ahem! Bon soir, citizens and citizenettes! I am Space Ghost.

Z:

The other white meat.

SG:

What?

Z:

Uh, nothin'.

SG:

What is it with you anyways, Zorak?

Z:

Eh, it's a mantis thing. You wouldn't understand.

SG:

Darn right I wouldn't, my little chucklebug. But I do understand this: tonight we're going to experience yet another rip-roaring slab of quality talk show entertainment.

Moltar (M):

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

(pause) Tonight my guests are performance artist and downtown musician type Laurie Anderson, and noise-happy avant garde percussion group Stump, uh, Stomp. (to himself) Eh, sounds artsy-fartsy.

Z:

(in beatnik getup) Cool!

SG:

Cool, nothing! Art and TV don't mix, everybody knows that! If people wanted to see art on TV, they'd, they'd say, "hey, y'know, I wanna see art on TV!"

Z:

Space Ghost...

SG:

That's what they'd say...

Z:

The desk. Remember.

SG:

I know where the desk is!

Z:

(plays Space Ghost to the desk, with some electronic pop music)

SG:

(invisos to desk) Um, okay, I'm ready, let's do it.

M:

(throws lever)

(Monitor lowers with Laurie)

SG:

Look, everyone, it's Laurie Anderson, the art freak! A real life artistic type, right here on TV. Welcome, citizen Anderson, are you getting enough oxygen?

Laurie Anderson (LA):

Not at the moment, no, are you?

SG:

(laughs) Eh, am I getting enough oxygen! (laughs) Did you hear that, Moltar? (laughs)

M:

(laughs) I heard. Here's your air, lady. (throws a lever)

SG:

Sooo, Laurie, I hear you're an artist. Sounds difficult.

LA:

It's hard to be an artist, don't you think?

SG:

Uh, yeah, I guess so. (quietly) Uh, look, Laurie, for the sake of my ratings, would you please try not to actually do any art, on the show tonight?

LA:

Okay.

SG:

Whew! Great! As an "artiste", you must watch a lot of quality television, like, uh, my show, for instance!

LA:

Hmm?

SG:

You know, the boob tube!

LA:

You know, I, I absolutely never watch television.

SG:

Oh, you're one of those, are ya? (mocking) "Let's stay home and read."

LA:

What's 'at?

SG:

I said that, it says here that you work with computers a lot. Y'know, I bought a computer once. It tried to kill me.

LA:

I have eleven computers.

SG:

Eleven! That's like--

Z:

It's like, one louder than ten.

SG:

One more than ten, would be the thing, what's "louder" got to do with it?

LA:

I have a lot of equipment, I probably have, um, a hundred, remote controls.

SG:

Get out! That's way more than eleven!

LA:

I have a lot.

SG:

Jeez! All right, you win! Emasculator!

Z:

Space Ghost! You know a big word?

SG:

What, eleven?

LA:

Now, I can obviously ask you questions too, right?

SG:

Okay.

LA:

Okay

SG:

Sure.

LA:

What's your favorite ice cream?

SG:

I like cake.

LA:

What's your favorite city?

SG:

I like cake.

LA:

What's your favorite organ?

SG:

I like -- Ummmm, uh, Zorak, what do you think?

Z:

Well, this is the Gold Key XG5 3000.

SG:

With the sampler thingie, right?

Z:

Yyyes, just listen! (plays "Jingle Bells" with Zorak's sampled voice saying "Die!")

SG:

Pretty fancy, eh, Laurie?

LA:

Yeah, that's not bad.

SG:

Any more questions, Laurie?

LA:

You on-line?

SG:

I like cake.

LA:

That's the thing I like most about being on-line, it's invisibility.

SG:

Yah, I can do that. (invisos out)

LA:

Oops, where'd you go? (laughs) Hey! He's gone again, so alone here.

M:

For good, I hope.

Z:

Hey, Laurie! Moltar & I are on-line. We talked to Larry Storch in a chat room once.

LA:

Good, okay, good.

Z:

My on-screen name is "lonemantisoftheapocalypse@ghostplanet.com"

M:

My on-screen name is "hotboy@.." somethin' somethin'.

Z:

Settle a bet for us; who created cyberspace? Al Gore or Sega!

LA:

It's not Al Gore!

M:

Ahhh, nuts!

LA:

Richard Milhous Nixon.

M:

No!!

Z:

No way!

LA:

He was the guy to cut the, you know, took the country off the gold standard. So after that, then money was abstract, it was nothing, it was like, it was just numbers...

SG:

(invisos in) Behold! (invisos back out again)

LA:

... and once it becomes so completely ethereal, then it can be anything, then you can have, like, the 80's happen, y'know, which it did, like, right away. But, you know, that, it was that, those were, that was the first, um, thing that, I think, the, uh, invention of cyberspace was really about those banks...

SG:

(invisos in, then yawns) Behold! (flies off into space)

LA:

... So, I think if it was a leap of faith for people to put their money in there, and think that it was doing, going somewhere, you know?

Z:

I don't know.

LA:

You agree?

SG:

(from out in space) Sure it's free!

M:

(to Space Ghost on control room monitor) Laurie's still down here, are you done?

SG:

With what?

M:

The interview?

SG:

I'm out here!

M:

Yeah, I know, I got you on the monitor. Uh, shall we go to break, or what? Break?

SG:

Oh. (pause) Hey! Anybody need saving out here?

Voice (V):

No, no, I think I'm okay. (long pause) Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

SG:

(on control room monitor, to Moltar) Is she gone?

M:

Yeah.

SG:

(bounds back to his desk) (sighs) Okay now! We're going to talk with several members of Team Stomp. And, they're going to perform for us afterwards?

M:

Yeah.

SG:

This better not be anything like that Anderson--

M:

(throws lever, sends Chad to the studio monitor)

Chad Kukahiko (CK):

Hi, I'm Chad--

SG:

Chad!? My evil lunatic twin brother?!

CK:

(grins back silently)

SG:

You grew a pony tail!

CK:

Uh, yeah, why not?

Z:

(looks on)

M:

(looks on)

SG:

(nervous laugh) Oh, sorry, I thought, I thought you were my Chad. So, you're...

CK:

I am Chad Kukahiko, member of Stomp, and alien.

SG:

So, why is your group called Stomp?

CK:

Um, because what we do more often than anything else, is just smack things, and, stomp on things, it's a onomatopoeia. You can look that up in a dictionary, if you don't know what that means, but it's sort of--

SG:

(blasts him off the monitor) (sighs) It was bound to happen once today. Moltar!

M:

(throws lever, sends Ameenah to the studio monitor)

SG:

Greetings, citizen...

Ameenah Kaplan (AK):

Thank you.

SG:

... please identify yourself to the universe.

AK:

I am Ameenah Kaplan.

SG:

Have you ever been in space before?

AK:

Uh, no, not, not that I can recall. I mean, perhaps in my sleep, the aliens, they come, whatever, but not that I can recall.

SG:

(scoots closer) So, can you explain to me why you are called Stomp?

AK:

Because we stomp on the ground with our... feet.

SG:

(pause) (with sarcasm) Hey, I get it now! They stomp on the ground with their feet! And, people pay to see that?

AK:

Yes.

SG:

So, what superpowers do you have?

AK:

My superpowers? I have, I can... (shakes her head) None. I was gonna lie...

Z:

Well, good for you!

AK:

No, I was gonna lie, you see, but, you know, I decided just to tell the truth.

Z:

Ewwgh! Suck-up!

SG:

So, what role do you play in Stomp?

AK:

Uh, I hit things really hard--

SG:

Could you give us a sample of what you'll all be doing for us later?

AK:

You mean, like a circus animal, like, just to start performing?

SG:

Yes, exactly like a circus animal.

AK:

You have some balls I can juggle and stand on one foot?

SG:

You bet. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitzi, the Dancing Elephant!

(Stomp performs on the studio monitor)

SG:

Matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox... Matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, eh... (pause) This is boring. (pause) Is this all they do?

M:

That's about the extent of it, yeah.

SG:

(sighs) I'm goin' back out.

M:

Well, you want me to shut everything off when we're done?

SG:

(yawning) Uh huh, shut everything off when you're done.

Z:

Should we try to escape when you're gone?

SG:

Huh?

Z:

Me and Moltar, him and me, should we, try to escape?

SG:

Oh, uh... No, don't escape.

M:

Where're you goin', anyway?

SG:

Hold on... (Stomp finishes their number) Are they done?

M:

Ummm... uh... (they start performing another number) No.

SG:

(sighs) I'm goin' back out.

M:

Should I... roll the credits?

(Credits roll)

(Voiceover with Stomp still playing in background)

SG:

Yeah, what the hey.

M:

Yeah, I, I already did it.

SG:

Oh, um... good job.

M:

Where're you goin', anyway? Can I ask that, or is it personal?

SG:

Oh, I don't know. Out there. Somewhere.

M:

Anywhere near a video store?

SG:

Maybe.

M:

Could you return something for me? If I gave it to you?

SG:

Sure! Hey, uh, you want I should bring something back?

Z:

Yeah, "The Spawning", get "The Spawning"!

SG:

I'm not gonna get "The Spawning". What is the one, yeah, you know, the one with the three guys and the baby?

Z:

No! Don't get that!

M:

No! Do NOT get that!

SG:

Euhhhhhh... Gutenberg..

Z:

No!

M:

No!

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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