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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

April 13, 1994
Somewhere deep in space...

(Set construction noises in background)

Space Ghost (SG):

Instead of over to the desk, theme music, cold open, opening remarks. I get it...

Bob (B):

You got it.

SG:

So, you're saying, cold open first, then the theme music...

B:

Mmm hmm.

SG:

... then we hit them with opening remarks...

B:

Right.

SG:

... then, then I go to the desk.

B:

Right.

SG:

That's different.

B:

(pause) Yeah.

SG:

(pause) So, you're saying, cold open -

B:

Uh, it's, it's a continuity thing, y'see, you can't have a cold open after the theme.

SG:

Mmm hmm, gotcha.

B:

Okay. Places, everybody. Zorak? Ready to go with the theme music?

Zorak (Z):

Eh, hang on a minute. (plays the keys, the opening vocals of "Hit Single" play.) 'Ere we go.

B:

Okay, people, less than two days before the big premier. Today we're rollin' tape on this stand-in guest, this guy, uh, Fred... Schneider? Um, before the real deal on Friday, okay?

Z:

Is this thing on? (eyes spin, with Indian chanting in background)

B:

Whoa, Zorak! Save some for Friday night, huh?

Z:

Y'know, this sound effect isn't working for me, it's, too wacky.

B:

Eh, you're right, y'know what, I'll pull some stuff tonight. Okay, everybody, look alive, cue music and title page, we're rolling tape this time.

SG:

(practicing power band moves) And destroy, two, three, four, and fry, two, three...

B:

Hey, let's try to look like some cartoon characters that are about to make TV history, alright?

Z:

(stares)

B:

Action!

Z:

Hi mom!

(Opening theme & titles)

(Inviso sound, but no Space Ghost)

B:

Um... where's Space Ghost?

SG:

(in control room with Moltar) Hiya! I'm Space Ghost!

Moltar (M):

Hiya! I'm Moltar!

B:

Hold it! You missed your mark.

SG:

Shoot. Sorry.

B:

Still rollin'. Go, go again.

SG:

(invisos to stage) Hiya, I'm -

B:

Cut!

SG:

Yeah?

B:

Looks good, you look good comin' out, but, uh, Space Ghost...

SG:

Yeah?

B:

Um, let's see if you can come up with some better words, you know? Uh, you're a superhero, feel that.

SG:

(quietly) Okay, okay.

B:

"Hiya", it just doesn't cut it.

SG:

Gotcha, I'm feelin' it. We're ready?

B:

Alright, go.

SG:

(starts to inviso out)

B:

Skip the inviso. (invisos back in quickly) Salutations, citizens of Earth! Space Ghost of the cosmos here, and I am commanding you to...

B:

Cut! Cut!

SG:

I went off, didn't I?

B:

It's a little strong. Almost there, but, not so... overbearing, y'know? Take a deep breath, and...

SG:

(takes a couple deep breaths)

B:

Action!

SG:

Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! Tonight on Space Ghost Coast to Coast, we have (monitor starts to lower early) Fred Schneider of the B-52's...

B:

Not yet, Moltar. (monitor raises again)

M:

Sorry.

Z:

Line.

B:

Cut! You don't have a line, Zorak. You're just playing off Space Ghost.

Z:

Um, I'm challenging him, to, give me a line.

B:

Okay, but, uh, for our first show, let's try something, a little less oblique.

Z:

Easy. You caught me off guard. Sorry. (clears his throat) Um, now what's my motivation?

B:

Okay. You're a space villain, Space Ghost has enslaved you to work on his show, just like in '68 only, more angry.

Z:

Um... okay. Ready?

B:

You betcha. Let him have it. And, action.

Z:

Space Ghost!

SG:

Say hello to Zorak, ladies and gentlemen. My green with evil sidekick.

Z:

Fear me, O people of Earth! Memorize my grim viságe -

B:

Cut! "Visage", Zorak. Why, why don't you try "countenance" instead?

Z:

Countenance, huh? Alright. Fear me, O people of Earth! Memorize my grim coun - (explosion from out of nowhere blasts Zorak) (coughs)

B:

Cut! Hang on, everybody.

Z:

Crimony! (coughs)

B:

Uh, Joe, get in here, will you? And, uh, get some makeup on Zorak.

Z:

What's the deal here?

SG:

Say, I didn't even fire.

B:

Right. Techies, in here. This is just a glitch, people.

M:

Hey, uh, Bob? I gotta go.

B:

Uh, everyone? Moltar has to go. Can someone come escort him, please.

M:

Oh, uh, and I'd like another coffee. And some of those biscuits, if there's any left.

Z:

Bring me some of those, uh, orange crackers with peanut butter.

SG:

(daydreaming to himself) (Space Ghost is the Cinderella story in this year's tournament, one well-placed blast and he'll take the championship. And we'll return to Augusta after these messages.)

B:

Space Ghost? Space Ghost? Space Ghost!!

SG:

Huh? What? Hey! Hey, alrighty!

B:

I'm sorry, man. I, I don't mean to yell like that, I just, I, I wanna try that remote segment, okay? I'm gonna have Zorak improv a little intro thing.

SG:

Ehh, yeah. Wwell, okay.

B:

And, uh, Bill, could we get Space Ghost in the banana suit, eh?

Z:

I'm ready when you are.

B:

Okay, Space Ghost is going to inviso down to his mark in Atlanta.

Z:

Gotcha. Eh, where do I look? (turns to one side)

B:

Uh, straight ahead.

Z:

(faces front again)

B:

And, we're ready? Okay. And, action.

Z:

(with title logo, steel drum music starts) Ask the Big Banana. (music stops) Eh, was that okay?

B:

Uh, give me a little more, Zorak. C'mon, stretch a little. Uh, we're still rollin', right? Okay, here we go.

Z:

(clears his throat; music starts again) Hey, kids, it's time for, time to ask the questions, time for your wacky questions to the Big Banana in, outer space. (music stops) Eh, how'm I doin'?

SG:

(on location in downtown Atlanta, in banana suit, his face not showing) I'm not real comfortable here, Bob.

B:

(aside) The suit's on backwards, this is great. (to Space Ghost) Uh, the suit's on backwards.

SG:

Is that what it is?

B:

Mostly. Um, just try to go with it, would you, please?

SG:

I... okay. Hey, you, come here.

Kaili Rubin (KR):

Hi.

SG:

They call me the Big Banana. Got any questions for me?

KR:

Uh... where's your face?

SG:

(laughs) Where my face... Er, well, I'm a banana, see? Bananas don't have faces. (steel drum music)

KR:

Whatever. (walks off)

Z:

I've never even seen a banana in space.

M:

Yeah, uh, it's a high concept piece.

SG:

Okay. That was fun. Can we try something else, Bob?

B:

Just one more, please.

SG:

I'm starting to sweat, Bob.

B:

Okay, okay. Come, come on,

SG:

Um... Bob? I, I can't reach my inviso belt. Bob? You better send a -

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

B:

Okay, Zorak, I need you to run through the, uh, over to the desk music, okay?

Z:

Alright. I had a new idea that I wanna tr- (BLAM!) (Zorak is blasted again for no reason) (coughs repeatedly)

M:

Ho ho, that's not right.

Z:

What in Andromeda's name is going on?

SG:

(bounds back to his desk) Where are we? Did I miss something?

Z:

I'd just like to see it coming, is that too much to ask?

B:

We're sorry, Zorak, but it's rehearsal, right, I mean, that's why we're here. Now Fran, get some makeup on Zorak again...

SG:

I'm not sure that banana segment is working.

B:

Ah, we'll, we'll deal with that later. You, you up on all your questions?

SG:

Eh, definitely. What are your superpowers, oxygen, got it.

B:

Okay, we're gonna take it from the intro of our guest. Zorak, you're back, right?

Z:

Yes, I'm fine.

SG:

Say, who's up on Friday night?

B:

Um, it's, uh, it's not firmed up yet, but, um, we're, um, uh, we've got calls in to Johnny Carson and Barbra Streisand...

SG:

I like Streisand.

B:

Um, and Susan Powter's on standby if anything falls through.

SG:

Hmmm...

Z:

And Birdman waiting in the wings if you keep flubbing your intro.

Birdman (B):

Oh, please please, please please please please please pleeeease!

B:

Okay, let's go. And... action.

SG:

Let's welcome tonight's guest, he's one of those zany B-52's, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for Fred Schneider!

Fred Schneider (FS):

(as monitor lowers) Hello hello hello!

B:

(in background) Good... good...

SG:

Greetings, citizen Fred! Welcome to my show!

FS:

(mechanically) Thank you very much.

SG:

Are you getting enough carbohydrates?

B:

Cut! Oxygen, SG, are you getting enough oxygen.

SG:

Don't use it myself.

B:

Your, your line, Space Ghost.

SG:

Just funnin' ya.

Z:

Birdman, Coast to Coast.

B:

And... action.

SG:

(subdued) So... Fred Schneider. Singer. Activist. Performer. Are you getting enough oxygen?

B:

(sarcastic) Riviting.

FS:

Um, no, because of hay fever, I am suffering.

SG:

Sorry to hear that. And, eh, superpowers, got any?

FS:

Well, besides super-B.O., um...

SG:

Super-B.O.?

FS:

Yeah.

SG:

(more animated) Well, then, get ready for a blast from my aerosol deodorant ray, mister! (aims power bands at monitor)

FS:

What?

B:

Whoa! Wha, cut! (Space Ghost's teeth are clenched) Whoa! Put that, hey, put that down! Do not threaten the guest!

SG:

Uh...

B:

Hang on, people!

M:

(to Fred) Hey man, you, uh, need anything right now?

FS:

Stay where you are, because you don't wanna be here.

M:

Yeah, I heard that!

B:

Mr. Schneider, we apologize, SG's a little nervous tonight.

FS:

No, not at-

SG:

Fred...

FS:

Huh?

SG:

Look at me. Do you have any advice for me as I take on the late night talk show wars?

FS:

Let it happen, let it all hang out.

SG:

Just sort of relax and go with it, you mean.

FS:

Yes.

SG:

So, do you think I should be a serious talk show host, or just plain wacky?

FS:

Just do anything, who cares, just shake it. Shake it loose.

SG:

Gotcha. I'm shakin' it. So, what's this "Love Shack" all the kids are talkin' about?

B:

Cut! Um, we're outta time. Fred, thanks for comin' in for the run-through. Would, um, would you consider doin' an actual guest spot?

FS:

I will if you pay me enough money.

B:

Of course. Well, um, thank you. (Fred fades from monitor, and is replaced by static) Good job, SG, eh, that feel good for you?

SG:

I was horrible, I spent so much time worrying about which question to ask next, I wasn't even hearing his responses.

B:

Well, you'll, you'll, you'll grow with it. Listen, I gotta, I gotta take this call, every-, everybody take five.

SG:

You know, this is somethin'. Guys like us with our own talk show, it's a testament to our continued popularity.

M:

Yeah, well... I hear it's a cost-saving method.

SG:

How do you mean?

M:

It's the 90's, Space Ghost. Network brass is openly referring to us as the "B" characters in their cartoon library. Something about "building equity".

SG:

I can't believe that! They told me -

Z:

Ah, don't get your nylons in a wad, it's just a business. I'm under no delusions about this particular gig.

M:

Yeah, but come on! "B" characters? Maybe you and me, but Space Ghost here had his own jigsaw puzzle.

SG:

(sighs) Thanks, Moltar, but Zorak's right. The only thing to do right now is put out the best darn talk show we can. (set is broken down as he speaks) Arsenio, Dave, Leno... You know, maybe it's time you fellas took a step back from the fleet lights of adulation, and took a good look around. There's a distant thunder drawing near, rolling in across the vast wasteland of popular entertainment. Maybe you can't see it coming because your view is blocked by cheap façades of skylines and cityscapes. But you'd better make ready, my friends, because this thunder is preparing to rain down fear and terror on your gilded houses of complacency! Mark my words, big shot late night gab-fest mavens, you're about to tangle with a one-dimensional caricature, and his long-forgotten arch-nemesis pals, a bug, and a... what are you anyway, Moltar?

M:

I'm a poorly drawn lava kind of a molten man.

SG:

... and a poorly drawn lava kind of a molten man! There's a new player in this late night talk show war, and his name is -

B:

Space Ghost?

SG:

(pause) Yeah, Bob?

B:

Uh, we, we need to book, man, the Snorks are in here for a promo or somethin' at 4, okay?

SG:

Oh, uh, right, right.

(Credits roll)

M:

Hey, uh, who played the part of the director, anyway?

SG:

I don't know, some union guy.

B:

Cut!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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