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Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in commissary, sipping coffee)

Space Ghost (SG):

They've invented the telephone!?

(Opening theme & titles)

Tansut (T):

Well, hello there, this is Tansut. Welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Tonight, funny man Bob Odenkirk, and his partner in fun, David Cross. Mmmmomma! Mmmomma, get in the cellar! Close all the shutters and chain down the cows! There's a comedy twister comin'! Here's Spaaace Ghooost!

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings, earth people, and welcome to a show from outer space! (last word echoes) I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight are comedians David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Moltar, I hear we have an extra special feature for the audience tonight.

Moltar (M):

Are you referring to the "Space Time Quiz Fun 9000"?

SG:

And who's that with, Moltar?

M:

Your host, Space Ghost.

SG:

I'm not lying when I say I'm really excited about this new feature. But we'll save that for later in the show. Let's get to know our contestants, shall we?

(Drum roll & big band intro from Way Outs)

SG:

(invisos to desk; David and Bob are on the monitor as it lowers) Welcome to the show, citizens.

David Cross (DC):

Thank you very much. Mr. Ghost.

Bob Odenkirk (BO):

Thank you ever so much.

SG:

You're welcome.

BO:

Is it, what, is it Mr. Ghost, or can we just call you Space?

DC:

Or S. Ghost?

SG:

The Native Americans call me "Broken wind clap like thunder".

DC:

Okay.

BO:

Alright.

SG:

But you may call me Mr. Ghost.

BO:

Yeah, Mr. Ghost.

SG:

Now, which of you is which?

DC:

Oh, uh, I'm David Cross... (points at himself)

BO:

And I'm Bob Odenkirk. Did I say my name right?

DC:

Yeah.

BO:

God, it's a tough name to say.

SG:

How long have you had it?

BO:

I just got it. Uh, Bob Odenkirk.

DC:

It, it sounds good.

BO:

But you know how I said it, I said "Baa Bodenkirk".

SG:

Don't worry about it, Baa. Moltar can fix it in the edit.

BO:

Hello, Moltar. I, just cut that out for me, will ya? Thanks, pal.

M:

Too late, "pal".

SG:

Ever been interviewed by a cartoon superhero before?

DC:

Uh, this is my fifth, si- no, never.

BO:

And I have never, ever, this is a real treat for me, and I've never even been to outer space before this. Unless you count some, uh, parties that I had in college. (laughs)

DC:

(laughs) Right on! (they give each other "five")

SG:

I know what you mean. At superhero night school, we once had a mixer that lasted until ten PM.

Zorak (Z):

Oh no, not the night school story!

SG:

I had fourteen cups of ginger ale, and wet my...

Z:

Stop!

M:

Stop!

SG:

What, I wet my pants. I'm not ashamed, I was young.

Z:

You were in your mid-twenties!

SG:

I was quite the cut-up. I bet you two were class clowns.

BO:

I, David was a class clown, I used to just laugh at him.

DC:

But I was literally a clown, I used to come in to school with the grease paint, the wig, and the floppy shoes, and a (makes "horn honk" hand gesture & sound).

BO:

A sad clown.

DC:

Yeah, sad, and I would go (sad voice) "Did somebody order a clown?"

SG:

So, what are your superpowers?

Z:

Who, me?

SG:

No, Dave and Baa.

Z:

Well, quit lookin' at me!

DC:

I have the power to tell when people are in trouble, very far away, up to, like, twenty miles away. But I don't have any other powers, so I have to run, or get a cab, or...

BO:

Or just feel bad.

SG:

That's weak. Baa, how about you?

BO:

I crave, sweets.

SG:

Is that it? Those are measly little sissy powers! I save entire planets.

BO:

God bless you, man. If we could, we would, but all we can do is make one or two people giggle a little bit.

SG:

And those one or two people will be giggling their way to Armageddon while you two jokers do your little "ha ha" act!!

BO:

(stunned silence, then laughs) What could I do? You invited me on this show!

Z:

Blast him!

SG:

(aims his power bands at monitor) Alright, hunker down!

BO:

Moltar, uh, Zorak, what is the story here?

M:

Take your medicine!

Z:

Blast the other guy too!

SG:

I can't, he's wearing glasses.

Z:

Eh, when has that stopped ya?

M:

Go ahead, let him blast ya. It's really not that bad.

BO:

Hmmm. Whattya say, give me a laser shot? Take me out?

SG:

Oh, you want it now.

BO:

Would ya?

SG:

It kinda stings, are you sure?

BO:

Yeah.

SG:

Where do you want it?

BO:

Take me out right in the face, middle of the face.

DC:

I don't want it, what do I gotta do?

Z:

Keep your glasses on, four-eyes.

SG:

Here we go. (blasts Bob)

BO:

(yells, then gasps) Oh, holy, ho, gigi! Alright, one more.

SG:

Another one?

BO:

Yeah. All set.

DC:

Do I, do I want one of these?

BO:

I don't know, if you like to feel good, I don't know, you tell me.

SG:

(blasts Bob again)

BO:

(yells)

SG:

Ah well, to heck with the glasses, one for you. (blasts Dave)

DC:

Ow, no, I said no, I said no, please!

SG:

(stops) Oh, okay.

DC:

Darn!

BO:

Oh, mmm, it clears the sinuses.

DC:

You like that?

BO:

I can breathe. I can breathe for the first time in my life, and (sniff sniff) (to David) you stink!

DC:

I can't believe you could...

BO:

You stink!

DC:

Well, I can't breathe! (talking with stuffed nose) You gave him my clear sinuses.

SG:

Oh no.

BO:

And I have the brain of a chicken now!

DC:

You gave him my brain of a chicken!

M:

And there's a swarm of bees flying around in my stomach.

SG:

Stop trying to improv, Moltar.

M:

No, I mean it! They're stingin' my insides! Ow, ow ow, ow! (walks away from monitor)

BO:

(laughs)

DC:

(laughs)

SG:

Ah, tell me, fellas, what makes you laugh?

DC:

Um, tickling, when I'm tickled.

SG:

Really?

BO:

People fall down. Big people fall down.

DC:

Yeah.

BO:

Adult people fall down. That make me funny. Laugh. Ha ha.

SG:

So you're telling me if I walked over across the set, and fell down...

Z:

Do it!

DC:

Would you do it for us?

BO:

Would you do it for us, but act like you're not gonna, act real confident, and then fall down.

DC:

Don't tip it, let's watch.

Z:

Yes, let's all watch.

BO:

Alright, here we go.

SG:

(off camera) (hums, then noise of him tripping, yelling, and falling down)

DC:

(laughs)

BO:

(laughs)

SG:

(laying on floor in front of his desk)

DC:

Oh!

BO:

Did you hurt yourself?

SG:

(still laying there, pain in his voice) Uh, yes, yes I did. Did, did you like it?

DC:

Yes!

BO:

Well, if it hurt, yes.

Z:

Do it again!

M:

(laughs) Yeah! And this time, run across the floor with some scissors!

Z:

Yeah, yeah! And, and put a bunch of pencils in your mouth.

SG:

I don't know... Sounds kinda dangerous.

Z:

You think it would be, but it's not.

DC:

You know my motto, "If it hurts, do it."

SG:

Uh, okay. Zorak, help me up. Moltar, bring the scissors out here.

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

Z:

(makes mantis noises)

DC:

(makes noises & gestures back at Zorak)

Z:

(laughs) Oh yeah!

SG:

Dave, are you talkin' to Zorak?

DC:

Well, yeah, Zorak and I used to hang in public high school.

Z:

Yeah, I pants'ed him in gym class.

DC:

Buddy!

Z:

Ho ho, I gotcha!

DC:

Yeah!

Z:

I hear you!

SG:

You're lying! Zorak never went to school! I've got records on him since birth, and Zorak has never...

DC:

(angry) All right!

SG:

(grimaces at Dave)

Z:

Blast him!

SG:

(clears his throat) We're back with David Cross and Baa Bodenkirk. So now, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?

DC:

Uh, he's straight, and I'm gay. Wait! What did you ask?

SG:

I said, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?

DC:

You're talking about, oh, comedy. Oh, shoot.

SG:

Of course I am! (buzz!) What was that, are the muffins ready?

M:

No, you idiot, it's time for the stupid game show segment!

SG:

You're right, Moltar. (game show theme music in background) It's time for (echo effect) Space Quiz Time Fun 9000. (his face is framed with marquee lights and the words "SPACE TIME QUIZ FUN 9000") With your host, Space Ghost. (music finishes; his smile sparkles) I ask you a question, but be careful. If you get it wrong, you get blasted. If you get it right... you get blasted.

Z:

I like this game.

SG:

Zorak, you're a contestant, too.

Z:

(stares back wide-eyed)

SG:

Ready, guys? (cheezy organ music plays in background, with timer ticking; Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)

BO:

No.

DC:

We're gonna say "no".

SG:

I haven't asked you a question yet. (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)

BO:

Al-, also Franklin Roosevelt.

SG:

Wrong. (blasts him)

BO:

(yells a little)

SG:

Okay. Next catagory.

BO:

Next, uh, Mama's homemade recipes, for 300.

SG:

Mama's homemade recipes for 300 it is. What is the main ingredient in my mom's delicious cheeseburger pie? (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings)

DC:

Jägermeister.

SG:

(buzz!) Right! It's ketchup! (blasts them)

BO:

(yells) Ah, man, you get addicted to that, you know what I mean?

Z:

No.

SG:

Zorak, I have a tattoo. What is it of, and where is it?

Z:

I don't..

SG:

Wrong! (blasts him)

Z:

(looking crisped, in a new way)

SG:

I got it in Panama City over spring break. Spring break, whoo! (burp!) Ooh, pardon me. You guys wanna see it?

BO:

Yeah.

SG:

Hang on a minute... (Space Ghost is off-camera; unzipping sound, with grunts and groans)

DC:

Oh..

SG:

There!

DC:

Oooh..

BO:

Yai...

DC:

Not good.

SG:

(showing an indeterminate part of his body to Dave and Bob) It's a cute little panda, swinging from a branch.

Z:

(low-throated laugh)

M:

That's a hairy panda.

DC:

Not, not good.

BO:

Put the suit back on, thank you.

SG:

(puts his suit back on; cheesy organ music starts up again) Boys, we're out of time, thanks for stopping by.

DC:

Thank you, Space Ghost.

BO:

Thank you, thank you, hit me!

DC:

(making echo sound effect with his hands) Spaaaace Ghoooost!

SG:

You want one for the road?

BO:

Hit me, one for the road.

SG:

Okay, here it comes. (aims powerbands, Dave and Bob brace themselves; power bands never fire) Psych!

DC:

Aw, what a bummer!

BO:

(pretends to be crying) Nothin'!

DC:

He messed with your head!

SG:

Double-psych! (blasts Bob)

BO:

(yells) Thanks.

SG:

(blasts Dave)

DC:

(puts his hands up) Oh, come on!

Z:

Do me too.

SG:

You hate these.

Z:

No I don't.

SG:

Yes you do.

Z:

C'mon! Give it to me!

SG:

No, now it's getting out of hand.

Z:

Come on! Come on!

SG:

I'm not blasting anyone anymore

BO:

Aw, Spacey, Spacey old pal!

Z:

Oh, come on! Come on, do me!

M:

Do me too!

Z:

You've never been blasted!

SG:

Oh, yes he has. (blasts Moltar)

M:

Yeow! (falls backward as ray blasts through control room monitor; he lands flat on his back) Oh yeah! That's the one!

Z:

You're purposed ignoring me!

SG:

Yes I am. Bob, one more?

DC:

I don't want this to end on a bad note.

SG:

(blasts Bob extra long)

BO:

(yells a lot)

Z:

(in background) Jerk!

BO:

(gasping) Oh, I love you, I love you...

DC:

Me?

BO:

(still gasping) No, Ghostie. Spacey, I love ya. Do it again, what the...

SG:

Sick little puppies.

BO:

Come on, my friend, (yells) I need it, I need to feel it, (yells) I'm gettin' a jolt, (yells)

M:

(still laying on his back in control room) Oh, Ghostie. (laughs)

BO:

I love you, man, I'd do anything for you, man.

DC:

(making "cut" gesture) Can we cut?

(Credits roll)

BO:

What could I do? You invited me on this show!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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