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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Opening theme & titles)

Tansut: Hi there, this is Tansut, welcoming you to another sparkling episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast! Tonight, strange British man Robin Leach, author Merrill Markoe, and British pop sensation Bananarama. And now, put your hands up to your face, and scream like a girl! (in high voice) It's Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: (invisos in) Greetings, y'all! I'm Space Ghost! Welcome to my incredibly entertaining comedy-style interview program, where anything can happen, and usually does. (band intro music) On tonight's big crazy-time joke show, legendary chronicler of high-livin' lifestyles Robin Leach, comedic author Merrill Markoe, and musical guest Bananarama, along with the usual gang of idiots, Zorak:

Zorak: Blah-diddy blah blah...

Space Ghost: And Moltar.

Moltar: Blah-diddy blah.

Zorak: Blah-diddy blah blah...

Moltar: Blah-diddy blah.

Zorak: Blah-diddy blah blah...

Space Ghost: Stop it!

Moltar: (quietly) Blah-diddy blah.

Space Ghost: (invisos to desk) Please welcome an old old old old old friend of mine, host of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", Robin Leach!

Robin Leach: (monitor lowers from ceiling) Spooky champagne wishes, and mysterious caviar dreams?

Space Ghost: It's a great pleasure to have you hear, Robin.

Robin Leach: I'm delighted, privileged, honoured. (image breaks up on monitor, with audio static)

Space Ghost: Uh, Robin? Moltar! Wake up back there, we're losing Robin!

Moltar: (reading book, laughs)

Space Ghost: Moltar? Moltar!

Moltar: Whoops! (throws lever, image returns to normal)

Space Ghost: Uh, what happened, Moltar?

Moltar: I musta hit it with my knee or somethin'.

Space Ghost: Well, try to be more careful in the future...

Moltar: Just get off my back, man!

Space Ghost: (pause) Alrighty! I'm here with Robin Leach! Thank you for joining us, Robin.

Robin Leach: Space Ghost, thank you. May your nights be happy and long. But please take that cloak to the cleaners, will you? It's getting a little grey.

Space Ghost: Oh-kay. (flies off) (bounds back instantly) Heh, forgot my wallet. (flies off again)

Robin Leach: (looks annoyed)

(Space Ghost bounds back, wearing strange clothes)

Space Ghost: The cleaners were closed, but I found this nice blouse in the gutter, and I have fashioned a hat out of a fry box.

Robin Leach: You need, um, you know, a tailored, more tailored look to yourself.

Space Ghost: Are you suggesting a prosthetic abdominal augmentation enhancer?

Robin Leach: Now you're talking, y'see?

Space Ghost: Y'know, Robin, you should do a show on me.

Robin Leach: Really. I wonder why...

Space Ghost: Because I have a lot of class. Just the other day, in fact, I went out and got myself a blender. It lets me blend.. just about anything!

Zorak: Beat!

Space Ghost: Classy people are always blending stuff.

Zorak: Beat!

Space Ghost: Now, I too can blend.

Zorak: (sips his coffee) Beat!

Space Ghost: It would be a good show! You think about it. (band plays a riff)

Robin Leach: Yes, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Now Robin, all seriousness aside, congratulations on the incredible success of your show, you must be very proud.

Robin Leach: Back in 1982-83, when we started this, uh, extraordinary show of looking at, uh, the richest people in the world, the most famous people in the world, everybody said we were nuts, we were crazy, we should be carted off and thrown away, um, by the men in the little white coats..

Space Ghost: Uh huh.

Robin Leach: .. You probably know a few of the little men in the white coats, don't you?

Space Ghost: Um, uh, no. I .. don't .. know .. any .. little .. white .. men.

Zorak: Yeah, you do, Space Ghost. You remember the nice men at the clinic.

Space Ghost: (distraught) I'm not going back there, Zorak!

Zorak: (stares back)

Robin Leach: Okay, secretive. Secretive Space Ghost...

Space Ghost: Citizen Robin, do the rich and famous require more oxygen than the average citizen?

Robin Leach: They require more of everything, they require more caviar, more champagne, and more gas...

Space Ghost: And more cheese!

Robin Leach: What they would do to get the secrets of your safe flight...

Space Ghost: Would they take me to fancy places?

Robin Leach: ... and the speed of your flight, they would pay you millions of dollars!

Space Ghost: Millions of dollars?

Robin Leach: In fact, there's a couple of multi-billionaires who've authorised me to try and slide some money under the table for you, to reveal your secrets to me.

Space Ghost: Power bands!

Robin Leach: Power bands. It begs the question, what is a power band?

Space Ghost: These things right here! They're for killin' villains! (does power band moves)

Robin Leach: Really. That's a little violent, isn't it, in this day and age when we should be seeking to get along with each other?

Space Ghost: Yeah, well, me and Zorak get along pretty well. Don't we, Zorak? (shot of bandshell, sans Zorak) Where's Zorak?

Sorcerer: He's not here, Chief.

Space Ghost: Where is he?

Sorcerer: Eating musical guests Bananarama. (girls' screams in background) Hey, save some for me, daddy-o!

Space Ghost: Robin, I have to apologize for the actions of my bandleader. He's quite a pill.

Robin Leach: Well, I'd just get rid of him. I mean, I wouldn't, I'd just lay down the mantris killer, just...

Space Ghost: (writing) Yes, lay, lay down the mantis killer, hmm mmm, yes...

Robin Leach: You just pour powder around him in a circle, bring in the witches, and...

Space Ghost: (still writing) Witches, good.

Robin Leach: And poof, the magic dragon, gone. Just, just issue the threat.

Space Ghost: Ya hear that, Zorak? Puff, the magic dragon!

Zorak: I got your magic dragon, right here! See?

(Magic dragon stands next to Zorak's keyboard pod)

Space Ghost: Well, hello there, magic dragon!

Moltar: (watching "Skat Sandwich" video on control room monitor, with Space Ghost at his C2C desk dubbed in) What is this garbage? And why am I not in it?

Robin Leach: Where's the, uh, where's the wine and champagne offer?

Space Ghost: Excuse me?

Robin Leach: Where do you keep it?

Space Ghost: Didn't you get the Vienna Sausage tray? That was for you!

Robin Leach: This is it?

Space Ghost: Uh, we had a little problem with the fridge, so...

Robin Leach: I'm not interested in your problems, I'm interested in my stomach!

Space Ghost: Uh, look, Robin, we'll be finished up here in just a few minutes, and then we can all go out to dinner.

Robin Leach: I've been kept too long as it is. Now, where's the paycheque, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: Er, the paycheck?

Robin Leach: You haven't been very gracious to me.

Space Ghost: Now you listen to me, buddy boy! (pause)

Robin Leach: Surely Space Ghost is not stuck for words!

Space Ghost: Just gimme a second! Okay, I've got it. (ahem!) Now you listen to me, buddy boy...

Robin Leach: Your talent booking department booked the wrong guest. (laughs)

Space Ghost: How do you mean?

Robin Leach: I am, in fact, Zoltran, and I have been kidding you all along.

Space Ghost: (gasps)

Robin Leach: I have taken the identity of Robin Leach to fool you, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: (gasps)

Robin Leach: And you have worked into my evil ugly trap.

Space Ghost: (gasps)

Robin Leach: And now, in very quick order, I will raise my arms, cover myself, in black magic, and you are history!

(Robin's skin turns green, rays shoot out of his eyes at Space Ghost)

Space Ghost: (gibbers)

Zorak: (laughs)

Moltar: (laughs) Eh, that's funny! (Zoltran is on control room monitor, eyes no longer blasting Space Ghost)

Space Ghost: Well, it looks like the "eyes" have it, but not for long, Zoltran! (Zoltran disappears from studio monitor, and is replaced by a test pattern) Moltar, what're you doin', I was about to blast Zoltran!

Moltar: I couldn't let that happen. He's my... brother-in-law. (dramatic sting music)

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

Moltar: Merrill Markoe is ready.

Space Ghost: Merrill Markoe? Or Zoltran? (dramatic sting music)

Moltar: I'm really sorry about that. Linda, she's...

Space Ghost: Listen, Moltar, we can't have our guests being possessed by your freeloading brother-in-law.

Moltar: I know, I know, but I promised my wife that...

Space Ghost: I don't care what you promised, we obviously need to tighten security around here, because that is not gonna happen again!

Moltar: (throws lever, brings up Merrill on control room monitor)

Merrill Markoe: Wow, I'm in a satellite!

Space Ghost: (studio monitor lowers from ceiling with Merrill) Halt, citizen!

Merrill Markoe: Citizen?

Space Ghost: Identify yourself!

Merrill Markoe: Is that, by citizen, do you mean me?

Space Ghost: Identify yourself!

Merrill Markoe: Oh, I thought you booked me.

Space Ghost: (sarcastic) Maybe I did.

Merrill Markoe: You don't know who I am?

Space Ghost: (sarcastic) Refresh my memory.

Merrill Markoe: (laughs) Refresh your memory... oh, great. (deep breath) Uh, Merrill Markoe is my name. And who are you?

Space Ghost: I'm askin' the questions here!

Merrill Markoe: Oh!

Space Ghost: Do you have proper identification?

Merrill Markoe: Ah, yes, I certainly do.

Space Ghost: Well, let's see it!

Merrill Markoe: (sighs) Getting carded! This happens to me on every one of these talk shows. (digs through her purse)

Space Ghost: (impatient) Come on, come on, snap it up!

Merrill Markoe: (pulls out picture ID, holds it up so Space Ghost can see)

Space Ghost: (reading ID) Merrill Markoe... Okay, everything seems to check out. You can carry on.

Merrill Markoe: (puts ID away) Now, do you always wear that, that hat?

Space Ghost: It's not a hat.

Merrill Markoe: I can't see you.

Space Ghost: It's a cowl.

Merrill Markoe: It's a who? A towel?

Space Ghost: Not a towel, a cowl. With a C.

Merrill Markoe: Oh. Well, why don't you take it off, I can't see your eyes.

Space Ghost: But it hides my secret identity.

Merrill Markoe: Oh, well, who cares what your secret identity is?

Space Ghost: Well, me, for one.

Merrill Markoe: What are you protecting? What are you afraid of, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: My personal life is very private and personal to me.

Merrill Markoe: Well then, what are you doing on television?

Space Ghost: (laughs) You know, Merrill, this interview should be more about you. Are you getting enough oxygen?

Merrill Markoe: No, I don't have a problem with that. Now, explain to me, where are you?

Space Ghost: I'm... over here.

Zorak: No, she means 'in space', stupid.

Merrill Markoe: Like where, like relative to, say, Uranus, and Mars, would it be like to the left, the right, what?

Space Ghost: Ohhhhh... Over here, Merrill.

Merrill Markoe: I don't think you have any idea where you are, or do you?

Space Ghost: I sure do!

Merrill Markoe: You're asking me who I am, and you're asking me for information, and you have no idea where you are!

Space Ghost: Uh, um...

Merrill Markoe: What kind of host are you?

Robin Leach: (in control room, talking to Moltar, still green, as Zoltran) Did it work?

Moltar: Oh yeah, Zoltran, it worked alright. I lost my parking space because of you, you jerk!

Robin Leach: You run the show, so you have ultimate power.

Moltar: No, see, that's what Linda tells you! Do me a favor, and give me a call before you just decide to possess the body of one of our guests.

Robin Leach: How do I get back, from here?

Moltar: What, you gotta broken leg? Walk!

Merrill Markoe: You don't, you don't breathe oxygen?

Space Ghost: For the last time, no.

Merrill Markoe: What exactly do you breathe?

Space Ghost: Um, air.

Merrill Markoe: You breathe air. It doesn't have oxygen in it?

Space Ghost: (flustered) Sure, it has.. oxygen in it.

Merrill Markoe: I don't think you have any idea what you're talkin' about, do you?

Space Ghost: Just don't fluster me! You've got me all flustered!

Zorak: Fluster him! Fluster him good!

Merrill Markoe: Well, how old are you?

Zorak: Good one!

Space Ghost: Ohhh... Thirty.

Merrill Markoe: Well, wait a minute now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Space Ghost, you're thirty?

Space Ghost: Uh huh.

Merrill Markoe: I thought you were a superhero in the sixties.

Space Ghost: I was.

Zorak: He was.

Merrill Markoe: You were a superhero when you were born? Just, like as an infant, you were a superhero?

Space Ghost: Exactly.

Zorak: Right!

Merrill Markoe: You couldn't have been a superhero, if you were a superhero in the sixties, you'd have to be pushing fifty.

Zorak: At least!

Space Ghost: Well, (laughs) I'm not a math teacher.

Merrill Markoe: You don't know the background, do you? You just don't know your own background.

Zorak: (laughs in background)

Space Ghost: I am thirty years old.

Merrill Markoe: You're not thirty.

Space Ghost: I am thirty years old.

Merrill Markoe: You're closer to fifty, aren't you, Space Ghost? You're not thirty.

Puff: Whoa, you're fifty?

Zorak: What, me?

Space Ghost: Magic dragon, I'm gonna come over there and nail your magic feet to the floor!

Merrill Markoe: Well, for a guy pushing fifty, I guess that's about as best as you can do.

Space Ghost: (sighs) Moltar.

Moltar: (throws lever, starts credits rolling)

Merrill Markoe: Are you actually a ghost?

Space Ghost: Of course I am. I'm Space Ghost.

Merrill Markoe: So does that mean you're deceased?

Space Ghost: I, uh... yeah.

Merrill Markoe: Do a lot of deceased people go into the talk show host kind of a field?

Space Ghost: You know what? I'm not deceased.

Merrill Markoe: Alright, alright. Well, let's move on to something you can answer.

(Credits roll)

(Band intro note)

("Ow!")

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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