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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Opening theme & titles)

Tansut (T):

Greetings and hello, this is Tansut, welcoming you to another Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Tonight, entomologist Dr. Maxcy Nolan, and exterminator Steve Arnold. Nobody special, but we think they're funny. That counts for somethin', don't it? Well, don't it?! Nobody listens to me! I don't know why I bother! (crying) Here's Space Ghost.

Space Ghost (SG):

(invisos in) Greetings, one and all, I'm Space Ghost.

Zorak (Z):

So what?

SG:

(stares back)

Z:

Go on and start the dumb show!

SG:

Actually, we're not doing our regular show tonight, Zorak.

Z:

You mean it won't stink?

SG:

(laughs) And so it begins. No, Zorak, I'm saying that I have a special surprise for you tonight. (drum roll) Zorak, here... is... your... (cymbal crash) life!

Audience (A):

(applause)

Z:

(sputters, wide-eyed) What!?! (shot of all-mantis audience) Oh, great. Moltar! Why didn't you warn me?

Moltar (M):

Hey, nobody tells me anything.

SG:

That's right, Zorak. Moltar didn't know a thing about this. You see, I only told two special friends of yours. And then they told two friends, and then they told two friends. And so on, and so on, and so on... (as he talks, the screen splits into two, then four, then eight, and then sixteen talking Space Ghosts.)

Z:

Well, I don't want no stinky "here is your life". It's embarrassing.

SG:

Oh, hush up, Mr. Party Poop Bug. It'll be fun, fun, fun! We're gonna have guests who'll talk about you, and surprises. And afterwards, we're all going to a party downtown at the Taco King.

A:

(applause)

Z:

The Taco King?

M:

(reciting a jingle) "It's where the refried bean reigns supreme."

SG:

(invisos to desk, big band music plays from scratchy record in background; music stops as needle is dragged across record) Alrighty! (fanfare plays) Zorak, here comes your life! (fanfare finishes)

Z:

Can't we skip this garbage and go straight to the tacos?

SG:

No, now pipe down. (more big band background music) (clears throat) Ah, Zorak, what can one say? (family portrait with father, mother, two older siblings and baby Zorak; siblings dissappear one by one as Space Ghost speaks, followed by father's head) Born into a small family made even smaller by disgusting acts of cannibalism, you quickly entered into young bughood (police mug shot of Zorak in a leather jacket), and a life of evil.

Z:

Hail, evil!

M:

Hail, evil!

A:

(wild applause)

SG:

(quietly) May I continue?

Z:

Sure, it's your show.

M:

(laughs)

SG:

Now, Zorak, tell me if you remember this voice, from your criminal past:

Metallus (M):

(drones and drones)

Z:

(listens) Nnn- uh uh.

SG:

Oh. Well, uh... do you remember this voice?

Brak (B):

Hi, Zorak, my name is Brak.

Z:

Hmmmmm... Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

SG:

This one?

Weird Al Yankovic (WAY):

Hey, Zorak, you... evil locust!

Z:

Nope.

SG:

Aaaaaa! Work with me here! Now, do you know this voice?

Cyclo (C):

Hey there, Zorak, remember that cavity search Warden Smith put us through that one wacky New Year's?

Z:

(looks surprised at first) I give up.

C:

You're not even trying, are you?

SG:

(aside) Sh, don't give him any hints.

Z:

I don't know. Steve?

SG:

No, no, no! Lord, man, don't you know your own life? It's your old cell mate, from Prison Planet Alpha DD-7, master villain and would-be world conqueror, Cyclo!

A:

(applause)

C:

Hey, Zorak!

Z:

Hey... Cyclo. So... what'cha been doing?

C:

Oh, the usual, ten to life.

SG:

(laughs) Eh, sorry.

C:

(shrugs) Well, see ya, Zorak.

Z:

Eh, yeah. So long, Cyclo.

SG:

So, uh, Cyclo, will you be joining us at the Taco Master after the show?

C:

I can't, stupid, I'm in jail! (fades from monitor)

SG:

Oh yeah, right.

Z:

Being here tonight reminds me of how much I miss prison.

SG:

(laughs) Isn't this "here is your life" stuff great, Zorak?

Z:

If we're really gonna do this, I gotta go change vests.

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

SG:

Okay, here's our first special guest, to tell us all about Zorak and his ilk.

A:

(applause)

SG:

Greetings, citizen! Welcome to Zorak's life!

Maxcy Nolan (MN):

Hi there.

SG:

Identify yourself to the universe, please.

MN:

I'm Maxcy Nolan, professor of entomology at the University of Georgia.

SG:

Um, that means "bug guy", right?

MN:

Yes.

SG:

Great! We brought you here tonight to talk to us about our little friend...

MN:

The great Zorak.

A:

(wild applause)

SG:

Um, look, friend, I know Zorak, okay? And, he's not that great. Got that?

MN:

Yes.

SG:

Good. As I was saying, this is our mantis of the quarter hour, Zorak.

MN:

Hi, Zorak.

Z:

(drinks coffee) Kiss my..

SG:

Pretty scary, eh, eh?

MN:

Yes, yes.

SG:

Freaky, in fact.

MN:

Six feet in size, and a praying mantis at that.

SG:

And evil to boot.

Z:

Eh!

SG:

Now, technically, is Zorak an insect or a pest?

MN:

What is your definition of a pest?

SG:

Uh, I don't know, I asked you.

MN:

A plant out of place is called what?

SG:

A transplant?

MN:

A weed.

SG:

I knew that.

MN:

An insect that's out of place, and doing bad things is called..

SG:

A weed!

MN:

A pest.

SG:

Exactly!

MN:

What category should we place Zorak in today?

SG:

(laughs) I think that's very clear.

MN:

Pest.

SG:

Yep, he's a pesty insect pest. But shouldn't he have six legs?

MN:

Well, they're supposed to have six legs; how many legs does Zorak have?

SG:

Two legs, um, two arms, kinda got a beak...

MN:

Is it possible that under that red vest (shot of Zorak in a blue vest) ... red vest (shot of Zorak in a red vest) he is carrying an extra set of arms, that no one has found out about yet.

SG:

Ihhh! Barf!

Z:

Actually, that's where I keep my Mintøs. (pulls out Mintøs) (Ding!) Das Freshmaker! (three note orchestra hit)

SG:

Have you ever dipped a mantis into rich creamy milk chocolate?

A:

Mmmmmm!

MN:

I've taken mantis, and I have dipped them in alcohol, and made 'em drunk.

Z:

Woo hoo!! Sign me up! Hello, sailor!

SG:

Why do you like these evil green things anyway?

MN:

One thing that I found just the most absolutely amazing about the mantises, is the fact that they can stand motionless, for hours. Literally not moving any body part that is visible.

Z:

Actually, nobody moves much in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

MN:

That's very interesting.

SG:

Not really. Well, thanks for being with us, Mr. Nolan, and telling us all about... pests. Will we see you at Ye Olde Taco Shoppe after the big show?

MN:

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

SG:

Huh? I'll... take that as a maybe. (Dr. Nolan fades from the monitor) Okay, folks, next we have an old film clip of Zorak to show you.

Z:

Ye gods! You're not gonna show that old thing, are ya?!

SG:

That's right. We're going to see the first time I ever met our evil weevil little bug pal, and beat the living daylights out of him. It's called, simply, "Zorak". Enjoy!

Z:

Moltar!

M:

Uh, sorry, man.

(Film leader countdown, then opening titles & theme from old Space Ghost "Zorak" cartoon)

(Zorak & his henchmen cut through wall; audience cheers)

Z:

So, Space Ghost is not here. But he left us two hostages. I can still have my revenge!

Jace (J):

Zorak!

Z:

Come!

J:

Where are we going?

Z:

(attaches note to door with daggar) No questions!

SG:

(with Blip on shoulder, reading note; audience boos) "It's a trade! Your life for my hostages!" Signed, Zorak!

SG:

(watching clip on monitor, Jan & Jace are on screen) Tsk! Those stupid kids! Why did I even bother?

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space, invisos out; audience boos)

SG:

What have you done with Jan and Jace, Zorak?

Z:

(audience cheers) They are right here, Space Ghost. And, they are still alive, and they will stay that way if you follow orders. It's your life I want, not the hostages. (audience applause again)

SG:

Man, Zorak, what was with your voice back then?

Z:

Yeah, well, what's up with your voice?

(Space Ghost is in space pod; door slides shut, he sees swarm of space bugs about to attack him; audience cheers)

Z:

(laughs) Those sounds you hear are my killer mosquitoids, Space Ghost.

SG:

(in studio) (sarcastic) Not the killer mosquittos! Ooooh! (giving a play by play) Okay, watch what I do here. (laughs) You thought you had me there, didn't you?

SG:

(on monitor) (seeing Blip by the Phantom Cruiser) It's Blip! With my power bands! (lands pod next to cruiser; mosquitoids zoom by) (as he puts on power bands) Good work, Blip!

Z:

(watching Space Ghost blast the mosquitoids) Space Ghost has regained his powers! (looks at Jan & Jace) Take them to the flying bomb! (audience cheers)

SG:

I've got to get them out! (zooms off)

M:

(sarcastic) Flying time bomb? Heh! Brilliant.

J:

Boy, are we glad to see you! (audience boos)

SG:

No time to talk, take these emergency rocket packs and eject, fast! I'll head this ship back to Zorak with our best wishes. (Jan & Jace eject) There, Zorak, let's see if you can take it, as well as you can dish it out!

Z:

(in studio) Uh, do we need to watch this part?

SG:

(in studio) Oh, hold on, hold on. This is so good!

(Ship hits Zorak's base and explodes; audience boos)

SG:

(laughing) Did ya, did you see that, where I blew up his planet? Hoo hoo, oh man!

Z:

Feh! I would have defeated you, if it wasn't for those meddling kids. (looks at camera briefly, then turns back) And that monkey.

M:

(laughs) Well, I mean, putting jet packs in the rocket? Eh, that's not too swift.

Z:

Oh, shut up!

SG:

Hey, Moltar! Let's see that footage of Zorak's planet blowing up, one more time.

M:

(rewinds tape on control room monitor, throws lever. Replay of planet destruction scene from previous cartoon appears on screen)

SG:

(laughs)

M:

(laughs) Ahem, sorry.

SG:

(laughing) I'm sorry, Zorak, I, I'm not laughing at you, I was, I was, well, well okay, I was laughing at you! (laughs) Say, Zorak, just how did you escape certain death when I blew up your planet?

Z:

I, I crouched.

SG:

Crouched?

Z:

Down low, behind a rock.

SG:

Huh.

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

SG:

Our next guest is an expert in pest control. That means killing insects.

A:

(boos)

SG:

Greetings, citizen, welcome to Zorak's life.

Steve Arnold (SA):

Thank you for having me.

SG:

Identify yourself, please.

SA:

Steve Arnold, Peachtree Pest Control.

A:

(boos)

Z:

Boo! Boo!

SG:

Pest control?

SA:

Mmm, that's right, pest control.

SG:

That means you kill insects, right?

SA:

Ah, yeah, we try not to use those words if possible.

SG:

Why not? Them's good words! Say, Steve... You know, I need help controlling a pest.

SA:

Ah, yeah, I was afraid you was gonna bring him up.

SG:

Uh, he's my, uh...

SA:

I know. (laughs)

SG:

Uh, you know who he is?

SA:

Know him quite well.

Z:

Gonna getcha!

SG:

Woo-o-o-o, pretty scary, isn't he?

SA:

Uh, only when he's looking my way.

Z:

Gonna getcha!

SG:

What would you use to control pests like Zorak?

SA:

Uh, hammers, bricks, two by fours...

SG:

You go right at it, huh?

SA:

I go in there with intent to kill, destroy, eliminate.

SG:

Sounds good! Do you have anything cool you say right before you whack 'em?

SA:

Take this.

SG:

Take this. Hmmmm... Take this. Take this. Take this. Take this. Take this and this and this. And this. I like it very much.

SA:

It's short, it's simple, and usually works.

SG:

Do you.. mind if I use it? Can I take 'take this'?

SA:

It's yours.

SG:

Thanks! Say, Steve, what else can we learn about mantii?

SA:

The mantis family has a tendency to be cannibalistic of their own kind.

Z:

(belches) (sniff sniff) Mom?

SG:

Knew that one already, thanks.

SA:

Mm.

SG:

Here's a stumper: any idea why mantises wear cheap polyester vests?

SA:

Uh, to impress the females, I would assume. It used to work in the sixties, back here on Earth. It doesn't work now, does it.

SG:

Do any other pests wear polyester?

SA:

Uh, no, mattafact, most of 'em have moved up into the wools and silk blends.

SG:

(laughs) Well, thanks for being with us, Mr. Insect Killer.

SA:

Thank you for having me. (fades from monitor)

Z:

Gonna getcha!

SG:

Well, Zorak, there you have it. Your miserable little life.

Z:

I only have one thing to say. Space Ghost?

SG:

Yes?

Z:

(holding ray gun) Here is your death!! (evil laugh; fires at Space Ghost, hits his face)

A:

(applause and cheers)

SG:

Ow! Jerk! That hurt!

Z:

It was supposed to!

SG:

Oh, I see. Well, 'take that!'

M:

This.

SG:

This! (blasts Zorak)

A:

(boos)

(Credits roll)

Z:

(crisped) Ih, what a night. I've never been so humiliated. I wish... I wish I'd never been born! (harp music; picture turns to black and white) Hey, what's going on? Is Turner de-colorizing now?

Raymond (R):

(appears on Zorak's pod, with a halo, but no wings) Hello!

Z:

Zuzu's petals! Raymond?! But, it can't be! I ate you episodes ago!

R:

I'm an angel now, Uncle Zorak, second class! And I'm here to show you what life would have been like, if you had never been born!

Z:

Oh, brother. Everybody has to do schtick.

R:

Look, Uncle Zorak. If you hadn't been born, "Different Strokes" would still be on the air. (studio monitor shows cartoon still of "Different Strokes" cast)

Z:

(Gary Coleman voice) What you talkin' about, Raymond?

R:

Lokar would have gotten your job on the show. (studio monitor shows still of Lokar in the keyboard pod)

Z:

No way!

R:

Space Ghost's show would have been a huge success! He would have been elected governor of California, and then president of the whole universe! (studio monitor shows various stills of Space Ghost)

Z:

What?! You mean all that would have happened if I wasn't born? Raymond, I want to live! I want to make Space Ghost miserable!

R:

(harp music) (sprouts wings with a "pop!") Yay! Thanks, Uncle Zorak! (floats upward and away, with his new wings, to the Pearly Gates)

Z:

(back in color, un-crisped) I'm alive! You hear that, you ol' Ghost Planet? Alive!

("pop!")

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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