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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Opening theme & titles, with voiceover)

Tansut (T):

Hello, and how do, folks. This is Tansut, fearless space criminal, welcoming you to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". I'm not allowed to say who the guests are tonight, because two villains, whose name I won't mention but they're on this show, said they would hit me in the face if I told anybody. (crying) I don't know what the point of being an announcer is, if I can't announce something. (sobbing) I hate this job!

Space Ghost (SG):

(invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! On tonight's show, we have Ohio state senator Howard Metzenbaum, and America's most loveable drunk, Foster Brooks.

Zorak (Z):

(wearing a cap) Ready when you are.

SG:

Zorak, what's that on your head?

Z:

A cap.

SG:

Uh huh. And, does that say "Sci-Fi Con '97"?

Z:

Y'know, I believe it does.

SG:

And when was this 'quote' 'unquote' "Sci-Fi Con '97"?

Z:

Oh, uh, last weekend.

SG:

(stares in silence)

Z:

And, all last week.

SG:

Here? On Ghost Planet? Why wasn't I invited?

Z:

We only invite guests of honor, everyone else is $4.50 a day, or twelve bucks for the weekend.

SG:

Really!

Z:

Oh yeah.

SG:

Well then, who was your "guest of honor"?

Z:

Bill Mumy.

Moltar (M):

He signed my helmet.

SG:

Bill Mumy? You honored Bill Mumy? What did the fa-a-amous Bill Mumy do to get invited.

M:

Oh, only "Babylon 5"...

Z:

"Lost in Space"...

M:

"Twilight Zone"...

Z:

"Space Cases"...

M:

Oh, and he was the only one to play the child version of Darin Stevens on "Bewitched". (monitor shows Zorak, with text:)

CAM 152

STEP 132
THE ENTIRE
APPARATUS IS
THEN VIBRATED
UP AND DOWN

SG:

(invisos to desk while they talk)

Z:

"Bewitched" isn't sci-fi.

M:

It's got witches.

Z:

Oh yeah, magic. I'll give you that one.

M:

Duh!

SG:

Okay, okay, okay! I can't believe this! I sit here with you guys week after week, and here you go behind my back and invite Mumy!

M:

Uh, he's your first guest. (monitor shows Space Ghost at his desk, with text:)

CAM 463

DISTANCE TO NEXT
REST STOP:
50 MILES

SG:

Eh, my first guest? Where's Metzenbaum?!

M:

Uh, he's been... detained.

SG:

"Detained"?

M:

On the planet Rumyungyunson... son.

SG:

There is no planet Rumyungyunsonson.

M:

Well... that's where he is.

SG:

Zorak?

Z:

Don't look at me.

SG:

You didn't even book Howard Metzenbaum, did you?

M:

(silence)

SG:

Did you!?!

M:

Here's Bill.

SG:

Don't do it.

M:

C'mon, he came a long way.

SG:

(starts blasting his monitor screen continuously)

M:

Space Ghost.

SG:

I'm just gonna keep on blasting the screen until ya get rid of him.

M:

(to Bill) Uh, can't let ya out there just yet, Bill. We're, uh, havin' some technical problems. (monitor shows mirror image text:)

DirecPC OU
ORDINATE SATELLISE

Bill Mumy (BM):

Thank you, sir. (monitor shows mirror image text:)

DIRECTMENT DU FABRSCAST

SG:

(tries to fire power bands, but no blast) Aw nuts. Ran outta juice.

Z:

Now, Moltar!

M:

Now! (throws lever, sending Bill to the studio monitor)

BM:

Space Ghost! Pleasure to be with you here, sir. Zorak, you're lookin' good.

Z:

Thanks, Bill.

BM:

Moltar, how ya doin', man?

M:

Eh...

SG:

He can sit there, but I won't talk to him. (hums in background and doodles)

Z:

(to Bill) You have a good time at Sci-Fi Con?

BM:

Yeah, absolutely.

M:

Man, the costume show was awesome!

BM:

Yeah.

SG:

(humming and singing quitely) I'm not listening to you...

Z:

It was a great time had by all... except for Space Ghost. (evil laugh)

BM:

Yup, yeah, it was a, it was a fun eight days, y'know...

SG:

(shouts) Look, I drew a piggy! (hold up picture)

BM:

(nods)

Z:

Ih, uh... So, Bill, tell us about the worst "Lost in Space" episode ever.

M:

Yeah, like you told the panel at the convention. (monitor shows mirror image text:)

MIKES@PKWARE.COM
GMKOENIG@ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU

BM:

Oh yeah. (Space Ghost gibbers & mocks him in the background) Well, this was called "The Great Vegetable Rebellion", and the Jupiter 2 had landed on a planet with sentient vegetables, and while we were collecting specimens for our galley, for dinner, we started this great rebellion, by this talking carrot, named Tybo. That's even more than I'd even hoped to remember.

SG:

(mocking) ... more than I ever hoped to remember. Blb blb blb... (makes raspberry sounds) Now, if you'll excuse me, boys, I've got to go. (flies off)

Z:

Uh... So, Bill, uh, what was the name of that carrot again?

BM:

Tybo. (screen zaps & goes black, except for fading white dot in the middle)

M:

(throwing levers) Uh, Bill? (monitor shows fading dot and text:)

NON STANDARD
REFERENCE

ABORT?
RETRY?
FAIL?

SG:

(bounds back in to desk) There! That's done!

Z:

What did you just do?

SG:

Oh, I unplugged the feed. (sarcastically) That's okay, isn't it, Moltar?

M:

You idiot! Why did you do that? Now I gotta go downstairs and reboot the entire system. (walks off) (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:)

PLEASE KEEP
ARMS INSIDE
THE VEHICLE

SG:

Y'know, Zorak, I've been thinking of having my own convention. It'll be called (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) And it won't involve you! Because I don't need you!

Z:

Pfff! Knock yourself out.

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

SG:

What're you wearing?

Z:

(wearing Klingon mask and armor, speaking in Klingon voice) I am Gowron, leader of the Klingon High Council! You have dishonored your family name, Worf, son of Mogh!

SG:

What?

Z:

I said, I am Gowron, leader of the Klingon High Counc-

SG:

Take off that stupid hat!

Z:

(pause) It's a mask.

SG:

I don't care what it is, it's not getting you into "Space Ghost Con '97".

Z:

(sits there)

SG:

Take it off!

M:

Space Ghost?

SG:

Yes?

M:

Um, Foster Brooks has, uh...

SG:

Also been detained on the planet Rumyungyunsonson?

M:

(sighs) Yes. (Monitor shows famous e-mail addresses again)

SG:

And who do you propose that we replace him with?

M:

Well... Mark Hamill's here.

SG:

The "Star Wars" guy?

M:

Ahem! Correction! THE "Star Wars" guy!

SG:

He was here for your dumb convention, wasn't he?

M:

Oh, no no no no no no no, he was here for the... uh... the "Corvette Summer" convention.

Z:

Yeah, the "Corvette Summer" convention. At the, La Quinta.

M:

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, down the, um, street. (monitor shows text:)

GERSON V. K.
HOPE YOU DECIPHER
THIS ONE BUD

Z:

Yeah, down the street.

SG:

Huh. Well, maybe he'll take part in, ahem, (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo)

Z:

(laughs) Maybe he won't.

M:

(laughs) Yeah, maybe he's got other plans.

SG:

So, what do you guys know?

Mark Hamill (MH):

(appears on studio monitor) Uh, it's Mark Hamill here.

SG:

Whoa! Look who's here, young people! It's none other than Duke Fartknocker!

M:

Luke Skywalker!

SG:

Luke Skytopper of the popular "Space War" science fiction mega-empire franchise.

MH:

Uh, I think it's much more along the lines of a fairy tale than it is straightforward science fiction.

SG:

Whatever, professor. How's Chewwy?

MH:

Chewwy? Well, you know...

SG:

(laughs) You and me both!

MH:

(stares back)

SG:

But seriously, Mark... (very quietly) was it scary working with Lord Vader?

M:

(making Darth Vader breathing noises)

MH:

James Earl Jones is just such a gifted person, and-

Z:

Prowse.

SG:

Eh?

Z:

David Prowse. He played Vader in the movie version, not Jones.

MH:

(laughs) Hey, I said a dirty word.

Z:

Oh, you did, pal!

M:

David Prowse! Are you joking? If this is a joke, I'm not laughing.

Z:

Prowse is the true Lord Vader!

M:

Prowse? Blpblpblp! He was a figurehead! It is Jones who is the true Vader!

Z:

Answer me this, Moltar: who patrolled the galleys of the Death Star?

M:

The ewoks!

SG:

(laughs)

MH:

(laughs)

Z:

Don't patronize me, bantha fodder!

M:

Well, if you consulted your handbook, you would know it was the storm troopers.

Z:

Yes, of course, but who led them, Moltar? Huh? Who led 'em? Refresh my memory on this one, if you please!

M:

(silent)

Z:

Would that be Pr... Pr.. Pr.. Pro-w-w-w-w-wse?

M:

Prowse, but he-

Z:

Exactly!

M:

But-

Z:

Exactly, Moltar! That's exactly what I thought!

SG:

Hey, what do you fellas thing of those Ghostbusters?

Z:

(stares back)

SG:

You think they'd scare me because I'm, you know, I'm a ghost.

MH:

(stares back)

SG:

I mean, hey, Zorak, who ya gonna call?

Z:

I'm gonna call you an idiot.

SG:

What!

Z:

You heard me! Mouth breather!

("Star Wars" type music begins playing in background)

Voice (V):

Trust in your feelings, Tad. Use the powerbands!

SG:

(blast Zorak with destructo ray; music ends)

SG:

(to Mark) Wouldn't be interested in a new career as a sidekick, would you?

MH:

Well, you know, I, uh, it beats Ed McMahon.

SG:

I must warn you, you would be required to laugh at the outrageously hilarious antics of a talk show in outer space!

MH:

(in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes! (normal voice) I can do that.

SG:

I like your attitude, Hamill. Come in Monday for paperwork.

MH:

(in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes!

SG:

(laughs) Whoa, save some for the convention, buddy!

MH:

(in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes!

SG:

(stares back)

MH:

(clears his throat)

SG:

So, what do you do at these conventions? Do you, say, show how you ate breakfast on Tattooine? Is it Tattooine?

MH:

Oh, me eating cereal would be (makes slurping sounds through his hands)

SG:

Hmmm, impressive.

M:

This is just sad.

(Monitor shows huge block of impossible to read but possibly French text)

SG:

That's amazing, Mark. Would you bring your imaginary bowl of cereal to my convention?

MH:

That'd be great, if I'm, um, in your galaxy, I'll stop on by.

SG:

Great! Then I'll see you at "Space Ghost Con '97".

MH:

Thank you so much for having me. (image fades from monitor)

Z:

I don't know, he sounded iffy.

SG:

That's not the Luke Skytopper I know!

Z:

You don't know Luke Skywalker!

SG:

Can you ever really know a man, Zorak? (syrupy music swells in background) I mean, sure, you can know what he does, where he lives, the way his hair smells in the morning after a brief rain... (music stops) Wait a second! I've got to buy supplies for (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) (flies off to office supply store, enters by crashing through ceiling) What a selection! You don't have to be a superhero to appreciate these super-savings!

M:

(to Mark, on control room monitor) (impersonating James Earl Jones) "This is CNN."

MH:

(laughs)

M:

Oh, and, uh, "Luke, I am your father."

MH:

(laughs)

M:

Did you get to sign my helmet yet? Uh, "son"?

MH:

Yeah, I signed it.

M:

It was great having you at our "Sci-Fi Con", man.

MH:

Thanks so much.

M:

You're not, really going to "Space Ghost Con", are you?

MH:

No, no, no, I was, I was workin' and I have another job after this, actually.

M:

Good!

(Space Ghost is sitting behind his desk, which is piled high with assorted souvenir-type goodies and a sign)

SG:

Greetings! The future of convention excitement awaits you at (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo)

V:

("Star Wars" type music begins playing in background) Use the phone, Tad!

SG:

The phone lines are open to order your tickets to "Space Ghost Con '97"! Featuring me, Space Ghost! Call 1-800-555- (echo) SG97 (end echo) ##839-174982 extension 49. (preceding numbers also subtitled on screen) Call now, the lines are open, and I'm standing by. (taps cards impatiently)

(Credits roll)

SG:

Lines are open. (taps cards some more)

V:

Tad, remind them about the free patch.

SG:

First ten callers get a free patch.

V:

And did you mention the balloons for the kids?

SG:

(sighs) Balloons for the kids. (taps cards) "Space Ghost Con '97"! Whole lotta fun!

V:

Tad, maybe mention the patch thing again.

SG:

I just did!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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