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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(In the commissary)

Space Ghost: And then Grimlock the Toymaker came charging over the hill, with his evil hoard of Baby Drink 'n Wets.

Moltar: Uh huh...

Space Ghost: So I look at him, and I say, "You don't wanna mess with me, Grimlock! I'll use my heat ray!"

Moltar: "I'll use my heat ray"?

Space Ghost: Yeah, "I'll use my heat ray".

Moltar: (snickers)

Zorak: (snickers)

Space Ghost: What? What?

Zorak: You could've used a better line.

Moltar: Yeah!

Space Ghost: Really! Like what?

Moltar: Uh, well, something like, uh, "Don't toy with me, Toymaker!"

Zorak: Yeah. Or, "These babies need changing!" And then kick his butt!

Space Ghost: Oh, you mean something like, "It's time to pick up your toys, Toymaker. Your room is a mess! I mean, look at it."

Zorak: What kind of line is that?

Moltar: You wanna defeat him or kiss him?

Space Ghost: Wait, (laughs) here's a good one... (clears throat) "I'm going to lock you up, Grimlock!"

Moltar: Awwww, gee! (gets up and leaves)

Zorak: You're pathetic! (also gets up and leaves)

Space Ghost: Wait, where are you guys going? Hey, wait! Guys! I know I'm able to do this! How about, "Watch it, Toymaker! Someone's gonna trip on those babies one day, and fall down the steps! Then you'll feel bad! (pause) Toymaker!"

Zorak: (in distance) Idiot!

(Opening theme & titles, with voiceover)

Tansut: Hello, and how do, folks, this is Tansut, America's favorite intergalactic ne'er-do-well, welcoming you to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". Tonight, Space Ghost yuks it up with funny man Jon Stewart. And who knows, maybe a certain green someone might get his butt blasted.

Zorak: "Butt blasted", huh? Well, take that, Tansut, (slap!) and that, (slap!) and that!

Tansut: (as Zorak hits him) Ooow! Oh! Ow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I... I didn't mean it that way.

Zorak: Now keep reading, you're doing great! Back to the show!

Space Ghost: (invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! Jon Stewart's here! Zorak is over there. (points in Zorak's direction) (long pause)

Zorak: (off camera) Is that it?

Space Ghost: Yes.

Moltar: (in control room) Jon, are you into aroma therapy? (monitor show Jon and text:)

I LEFT MY ITINERARY UNDER
THE DOG FOOD AT HOME

Jon Stewart: Yeah.

Moltar: Well, then let me introduce you to the exotic fragrances of East India.

Jon Stewart: (laughs) Sure!

Moltar: (throws lever; India music plays) Jon, picture a camel, if you will, traipsing across the desert sands. (alarms go off; he throws lever again) Uh, hold on. (throws lever several times, when he does, new text appears on the monitor, flashing on and off. The decompression reading is counting down by 10's and 5's)

DECOMPRESSION 100 OXYGEN

WARNING PELIGRO ACHTUNG
SYSTEM ERROR PRESSURE DROP
[NUCLEAR SYMBOL] LOW LEVEL [NUCLEAR SYMBOL]

Moltar: Jon, I accidentally unhooked your oxygen. Sorry.

Jon Stewart: Oh man... We're screwed!

Moltar: Don't panic!

Jon Stewart: What are we gonna do?

Moltar: Hold your breath for ten seconds.

Jon Stewart: Oh, just... (takes a deep breath and holds it)

Space Ghost: (in the studio, as monitor lowers with Jon) My guest tonight is a fellow talk show host, a fine comedian, and a good buddy of mine. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jon Stewart!

Jon Stewart: (still holding his breath; keels over, disappears from monitor)

Moltar: Jon? Hello...

Moltar: Jon, hang on. I'll revive you with my new electro-lever. (throws lever, a flash appears)

Jon Stewart: (sits back up) That was ten seconds?

Space Ghost: Great galaxies, man, are you on some kind of a bender?

Jon Stewart: (picks up microphone from floor, talks directly into it, very loud) Sorry. Sorry about that. (clips it back onto his shirt)

Space Ghost: Yyyour okay, right?

Jon Stewart: Yeah, there we go.

Space Ghost: (My word!)

Jon Stewart: There, that's fixed.

Space Ghost: (What is Hollywood doing to our children??)

Jon Stewart: You know, the physical gags never really work.

Space Ghost: Sure they do! (blasts Zorak)

Jon Stewart: Yeah, that's true. Aaaa, okay.

Zorak: (crisped) That didn't hurt.

Space Ghost: Thank you for being on our little show, citizen Jon!

Jon Stewart: Thank you, thank you for having me. I'm, I'm very excited to be here.

Space Ghost: You're a fellow talk show host, do you have any advice for me?

Jon Stewart: Always introduce yourself to the guests before the show. That way, you know, they'll know who's hostin' it.

Space Ghost: I'm hosting it! Space Ghost!

Jon Stewart: Well, I was thinkin' you'd come into my dressing room and introduce yourself.

Space Ghost: Oh.

Jon Stewart: But then I realized, we're on different planets, and it's really hard...

Space Ghost: I... my sister called.

Jon Stewart: But I was tryin' to do that, you walk up.

Space Ghost: Yeah.

Jon Stewart: And if you have Claudia Schiffert on, don't mention the word "cheese", because she freaks.

Space Ghost: Wow, that's good! Moltar, make a note of that!

Moltar: No.

Space Ghost: Come on!

Moltar: I'm busy!

Space Ghost: I...

Moltar: No!

Space Ghost: (sighs) We'll make a note of it. Jon, do you have problems with side kicks?

Jon Stewart: No.

Space Ghost: Really? How come?

Jon Stewart: Can't afford one.

Space Ghost: (chuckling) Just capture one! Right, Zorak?

Zorak: Side kicks are good at kicking.

Space Ghost: Zorak!

Zorak: May I kick you, Jon?

Jon Stewart: Are you serious?

Space Ghost: Zorak, settle down!

Zorak: I'll kick your kidneys out, and then make a pie with 'em.

Space Ghost: Zorak!

Zorak: Serve it to ya while you're still alive!

Space Ghost: You're not makin' a pie, and that's that!

Zorak: (quietly) That's what I'll do.

Space Ghost: Where were we? ... Sidekicks! What do you think they should do on a show?

Jon Stewart: The sidekick is there to, seriously, to pipe down and not say anything.

Space Ghost: I like that! Moltar, make a note of that!

Moltar: (throws levers constantly) Uh, (makes "static" sound effect with his voice) I can't hear you, I ("static") breakin' up ("static")

Space Ghost: Quit it, you're doing that with your mouth.

Moltar: What, what's that? ("static") Can't hear you. ("static") (the following messages flash across the top of his screen:)

CUEING BUMPER

(followed by:)

ROLLING BUMPER

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

Moltar: Okay, we're clear for two. Anybody need anything? (monitor shows text:)

COMMERCIAL
POSITION 1
2:00.0

(The time immediately begins counting down, and remains on Moltar's monitor until the break.)

Zorak: I'd like some water, please.

Space Ghost: (quietly) That was some funny stuff. Loved the kidney thing.

Zorak: Yeah, well, I wasn't kiddin' about that.

Jon Stewart: (laughs)

Space Ghost: Yeah, well, that Zorak, he's, he's pretty funny when he gets all worked up.

Jon Stewart: Just keep on keepin' on, you're doin' a great job. Love the work.

Zorak: Who asked you?

Moltar: Minute twenty. You need anything, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost: Do I have time for a hot pastrami?

Moltar: Minute ten. I kinda doubt it.

Space Ghost: See what you can do.

Jon Stewart: Do you like a good pastrami sandwich?

Space Ghost: Oh, boy, man, do I.

Moltar: Minute to go.

Jon Stewart: What do you have on it?

Space Ghost: Oh, just a little mayon-, I mean, mustard.

Jon Stewart: You almost said mayonnaise, Space Ghost...

Moltar: Forty-five seconds.

Jon Stewart: ... you almost said mayonnaise on pastrami, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: No I didn't, I said mustard.

Jon Stewart: (shakes his head) Oh, Space Ghost...

Space Ghost: I said mustard.

Moltar: Thirty seconds.

Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I missed that.

Space Ghost: Well, mustard is what I said.

Jon Stewart: Really?

Moltar: Twenty seconds.

Space Ghost: You're calling me a liar, aren't you, Stewart?

Jon Stewart: Maybe.

Space Ghost: (stares back silently)

Moltar: Fifteen.

Space Ghost: (stares back silently)

Moltar: Ten seconds. Get ready.

Space Ghost: (stares back silently)

Moltar: Five. Four. Three. Two.

Space Ghost: (yells) Am I gonna get that sandwich or no-

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

Space Ghost: We're back with close personal friend and talk show compadre Jon Stewart!

Jon Stewart: I wanted to, you know, like I feel stupid about this...

Space Ghost: Mmm hmm.

Jon Stewart: ... just get some advice on, like, you know, talk shows and stuff. I mean, you're the man.

Space Ghost: Wait a minute! Now you want advice from me?

Jon Stewart: Absolutely, I'm lookin' for advice from you. Big man, leotards, musk. Sure!

Space Ghost: Hear that, Moltar? I've got musk!

Moltar: You don't have musk!

Space Ghost: I sure do! Manly space musk!

Moltar: You smell like a farm! (monitor shows text:)

PUT DOWN THE PHONE
AND DRIVE

Space Ghost: (pause) You should stay in touch, Jon. We may have a vacancy in the control room very soon.

Jon Stewart: Look, I'm not desperate, I'm just, yeah, you know, I mean... you throw me a bone. You know what I'm sayin'?

Space Ghost: Sure.

Jon Stewart: I don't eat much.

Space Ghost: Bones are cheap.

Jon Stewart: I would just hang very quietly, I'd write for ya, I'd do whatever, sweep up.

Space Ghost: Uh huh.

Jon Stewart: I just need experience.

Space Ghost: By cracky, I'll start you at courtesy clerk. Can you clean up the spill on aisle nine?

Jon Stewart: I hope. There's room for advancement, right?

Space Ghost: Oh, yeah. Head courtesy clerk, then cashier.

Jon Stewart: It's up to you guys, use me as you wish. I'd join the band, I got like kind of a tambourine situation happenin'...

Zorak: Tambourine? Feh!

Sorcerer: (with Russian accent) Tambourine, phooey!

Space Ghost: When did you start talkin'?

Sorcerer: Just this minute, big boy.

Space Ghost: Huh. Weird.

Sorcerer: You need a shave!

Space Ghost: Who, me?

Sorcerer: No, Jonny boy.

Space Ghost: Stay out of it!

Jon Stewart: I had a beard.

Space Ghost: But you don't now.

Jon Stewart: No. I'll tell you what, you want to know why talk show hosts don't have beards?

Space Ghost: Tell me!

Jon Stewart: 'Cause Mike Douglas won't let us.

Space Ghost: Really? And just who is this Mike Douglas?

Jon Stewart: He's in charge of all the talk show hosts. He calls, and if you have, I had a, I had a, a facial hair...

Space Ghost: Uh huh.

Jon Stewart: ... and I, I was forced to shave it.

Space Ghost: So, Mike Douglas is a stickler for facial hair.

Jon Stewart: Does he write you too?

Space Ghost: (angry) No, he doesn't!

Jon Stewart: You know the advice that I have for you, and this is something that Mike Douglas told me.

Space Ghost: Wait, let me guess: work extra hard when your guests have hang-overs?

Jon Stewart: Always open with a number.

Space Ghost: Huh.

Jon Stewart: People love it.

Space Ghost: Zorak? Eh, number? What do you think?

Zorak: (sighs) Yeah, okay. (starts playing piano intro, other instruments join in)

Jon Stewart: Just come out, pow, pow! Hit 'em with something from "Kismet", "Oklahoma", they go crazy!

Space Ghost: Mike Douglas is a bona fide genius!

Jon Stewart: Then you bring out, I don't know, Susanne Pleshette, and the whole thing takes off.

Space Ghost: I am seeing things for the first time!

Jon Stewart: I'm here to help, I'm here. I'm tellin' you, if we get together, Space Ghost, we can make a big thing.

Space Ghost: Mmm hmm.

Jon Stewart: I have a little thing, you have a bigger thing, but together, we could take...

Space Ghost: (with a "lounge" voice) Everything down a notch, Jon? Because I'd really like to take everything down a notch, if I may. You know, there's a lot of beautiful people here tonight. I see some beautiful people here. (points to one side) And right here. (points to other side) Hi! But you know, life as a superhero, ladies and gentlemen, can be... stressful. I've flown all over the galaxy, but I always come back to a special place. In my heart. It's a place called... home.

Jon Stewart: (laughs)

Space Ghost: (with Irish accent) This one's for me mum. (invisos to center stage, with spotlight, and begins to sing)

It seems like only yesterday,
I sailed from out of Cork.
A wanderer from old Erin's Isle,
I landed in New York.

There wasn't a soul to greet me there,
A stranger on your shore.
But Irish luck was with me here,
And riches came galore.

And now I'm going back again
To dear old Erin's Isle.
My friends will meet me on the pier
And greet me with a smile.

Their faces I've almost forgot,
I've been so long away.
But me mother will introduce them all,
And this to me she'll say.

(Credits begin to roll)

Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me boy,
And here's your sister Kate.
And there's the girl you used to swing
Down by the garden gate.

Shake hands with all of the neighbors,
And kiss the colleens all,
You're as welcome as the flowers in May
In dear old Donegal.

Meet...

Jon Stewart: Oh man... We're screwed!

Tansut: (being slapped) Oh! I'm sorry!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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