Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(In the commissary)

Space Ghost (SG):

And then Grimlock the Toymaker came charging over the hill, with his evil hoard of Baby Drink 'n Wets.

Moltar (M):

Uh huh...

SG:

So I look at him, and I say, "You don't wanna mess with me, Grimlock! I'll use my heat ray!"

M:

"I'll use my heat ray"?

SG:

Yeah, "I'll use my heat ray".

M:

(snickers)

Zorak (Z):

(snickers)

SG:

What? What?

Z:

You could've used a better line.

M:

Yeah!

SG:

Really! Like what?

M:

Uh, well, something like, uh, "Don't toy with me, Toymaker!"

Z:

Yeah. Or, "These babies need changing!" And then kick his butt!

SG:

Oh, you mean something like, "It's time to pick up your toys, Toymaker. Your room is a mess! I mean, look at it."

Z:

What kind of line is that?

M:

You wanna defeat him or kiss him?

SG:

Wait, (laughs) here's a good one... (clears throat) "I'm going to lock you up, Grimlock!"

M:

Awwww, gee! (gets up and leaves)

Z:

You're pathetic! (also gets up and leaves)

SG:

Wait, where are you guys going? Hey, wait! Guys! I know I'm able to do this! How about, "Watch it, Toymaker! Someone's gonna trip on those babies one day, and fall down the steps! Then you'll feel bad! (pause) Toymaker!"

Z:

(in distance) Idiot!

(Opening theme & titles, with voiceover)

Tansut (T):

Hello, and how do, folks, this is Tansut, America's favorite intergalactic ne'er-do-well, welcoming you to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". Tonight, Space Ghost yuks it up with funny man Jon Stewart. And who knows, maybe a certain green someone might get his butt blasted.

Z:

"Butt blasted", huh? Well, take that, Tansut, (slap!) and that, (slap!) and that!

T:

(as Zorak hits him) Ooow! Oh! Ow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I... I didn't mean it that way.

Z:

Now keep reading, you're doing great! Back to the show!

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! Jon Stewart's here! Zorak is over there. (points in Zorak's direction) (long pause)

Z:

(off camera) Is that it?

SG:

Yes.

M:

(in control room) Jon, are you into aroma therapy? (monitor show Jon and text:)

I LEFT MY ITINERARY UNDER
THE DOG FOOD AT HOME

Jon Stewart (JS):

Yeah.

M:

Well, then let me introduce you to the exotic fragrances of East India.

JS:

(laughs) Sure!

M:

(throws lever; India music plays) Jon, picture a camel, if you will, traipsing across the desert sands. (alarms go off; he throws lever again) Uh, hold on. (throws lever several times, when he does, new text appears on the monitor, flashing on and off. The decompression reading is counting down by 10's and 5's)

DECOMPRESSION 100 OXYGEN

WARNING PELIGRO ACHTUNG
SYSTEM ERROR PRESSURE DROP
[NUCLEAR SYMBOL] LOW LEVEL [NUCLEAR SYMBOL]

M:

Jon, I accidentally unhooked your oxygen. Sorry.

JS:

Oh man... We're screwed!

M:

Don't panic!

JS:

What are we gonna do?

M:

Hold your breath for ten seconds.

JS:

Oh, just... (takes a deep breath and holds it)

SG:

(in the studio, as monitor lowers with Jon) My guest tonight is a fellow talk show host, a fine comedian, and a good buddy of mine. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jon Stewart!

JS:

(still holding his breath; keels over, disappears from monitor)

M:

Jon? Hello...

M:

Jon, hang on. I'll revive you with my new electro-lever. (throws lever, a flash appears)

JS:

(sits back up) That was ten seconds?

SG:

Great galaxies, man, are you on some kind of a bender?

JS:

(picks up microphone from floor, talks directly into it, very loud) Sorry. Sorry about that. (clips it back onto his shirt)

SG:

Yyyour okay, right?

JS:

Yeah, there we go.

SG:

(My word!)

JS:

There, that's fixed.

SG:

(What is Hollywood doing to our children??)

JS:

You know, the physical gags never really work.

SG:

Sure they do! (blasts Zorak)

JS:

Yeah, that's true. Aaaa, okay.

Z:

(crisped) That didn't hurt.

SG:

Thank you for being on our little show, citizen Jon!

JS:

Thank you, thank you for having me. I'm, I'm very excited to be here.

SG:

You're a fellow talk show host, do you have any advice for me?

JS:

Always introduce yourself to the guests before the show. That way, you know, they'll know who's hostin' it.

SG:

I'm hosting it! Space Ghost!

JS:

Well, I was thinkin' you'd come into my dressing room and introduce yourself.

SG:

Oh.

JS:

But then I realized, we're on different planets, and it's really hard...

SG:

I... my sister called.

JS:

But I was tryin' to do that, you walk up.

SG:

Yeah.

JS:

And if you have Claudia Schiffert on, don't mention the word "cheese", because she freaks.

SG:

Wow, that's good! Moltar, make a note of that!

M:

No.

SG:

Come on!

M:

I'm busy!

SG:

I...

M:

No!

SG:

(sighs) We'll make a note of it. Jon, do you have problems with side kicks?

JS:

No.

SG:

Really? How come?

JS:

Can't afford one.

SG:

(chuckling) Just capture one! Right, Zorak?

Z:

Side kicks are good at kicking.

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

May I kick you, Jon?

JS:

Are you serious?

SG:

Zorak, settle down!

Z:

I'll kick your kidneys out, and then make a pie with 'em.

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

Serve it to ya while you're still alive!

SG:

You're not makin' a pie, and that's that!

Z:

(quietly) That's what I'll do.

SG:

Where were we? ... Sidekicks! What do you think they should do on a show?

JS:

The sidekick is there to, seriously, to pipe down and not say anything.

SG:

I like that! Moltar, make a note of that!

M:

(throws levers constantly) Uh, (makes "static" sound effect with his voice) I can't hear you, I ("static") breakin' up ("static")

SG:

Quit it, you're doing that with your mouth.

M:

What, what's that? ("static") Can't hear you. ("static") (the following messages flash across the top of his screen:)

CUEING BUMPER

(followed by:)

ROLLING BUMPER

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

M:

Okay, we're clear for two. Anybody need anything? (monitor shows text:)

COMMERCIAL
POSITION 1
2:00.0

(The time immediately begins counting down, and remains on Moltar's monitor until the break.)

Z:

I'd like some water, please.

SG:

(quietly) That was some funny stuff. Loved the kidney thing.

Z:

Yeah, well, I wasn't kiddin' about that.

JS:

(laughs)

SG:

Yeah, well, that Zorak, he's, he's pretty funny when he gets all worked up.

JS:

Just keep on keepin' on, you're doin' a great job. Love the work.

Z:

Who asked you?

M:

Minute twenty. You need anything, Space Ghost?

SG:

Do I have time for a hot pastrami?

M:

Minute ten. I kinda doubt it.

SG:

See what you can do.

JS:

Do you like a good pastrami sandwich?

SG:

Oh, boy, man, do I.

M:

Minute to go.

JS:

What do you have on it?

SG:

Oh, just a little mayon-, I mean, mustard.

JS:

You almost said mayonnaise, Space Ghost...

M:

Forty-five seconds.

JS:

... you almost said mayonnaise on pastrami, Space Ghost.

SG:

No I didn't, I said mustard.

JS:

(shakes his head) Oh, Space Ghost...

SG:

I said mustard.

M:

Thirty seconds.

JS:

I'm sorry, I missed that.

SG:

Well, mustard is what I said.

JS:

Really?

M:

Twenty seconds.

SG:

You're calling me a liar, aren't you, Stewart?

JS:

Maybe.

SG:

(stares back silently)

M:

Fifteen.

SG:

(stares back silently)

M:

Ten seconds. Get ready.

SG:

(stares back silently)

M:

Five. Four. Three. Two.

SG:

(yells) Am I gonna get that sandwich or no-

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

SG:

We're back with close personal friend and talk show compadre Jon Stewart!

JS:

I wanted to, you know, like I feel stupid about this...

SG:

Mmm hmm.

JS:

... just get some advice on, like, you know, talk shows and stuff. I mean, you're the man.

SG:

Wait a minute! Now you want advice from me?

JS:

Absolutely, I'm lookin' for advice from you. Big man, leotards, musk. Sure!

SG:

Hear that, Moltar? I've got musk!

M:

You don't have musk!

SG:

I sure do! Manly space musk!

M:

You smell like a farm! (monitor shows text:)

PUT DOWN THE PHONE
AND DRIVE

SG:

(pause) You should stay in touch, Jon. We may have a vacancy in the control room very soon.

JS:

Look, I'm not desperate, I'm just, yeah, you know, I mean... you throw me a bone. You know what I'm sayin'?

SG:

Sure.

JS:

I don't eat much.

SG:

Bones are cheap.

JS:

I would just hang very quietly, I'd write for ya, I'd do whatever, sweep up.

SG:

Uh huh.

JS:

I just need experience.

SG:

By cracky, I'll start you at courtesy clerk. Can you clean up the spill on aisle nine?

JS:

I hope. There's room for advancement, right?

SG:

Oh, yeah. Head courtesy clerk, then cashier.

JS:

It's up to you guys, use me as you wish. I'd join the band, I got like kind of a tambourine situation happenin'...

Z:

Tambourine? Feh!

Sorcerer (S):

(with Russian accent) Tambourine, phooey!

SG:

When did you start talkin'?

S:

Just this minute, big boy.

SG:

Huh. Weird.

S:

You need a shave!

SG:

Who, me?

S:

No, Jonny boy.

SG:

Stay out of it!

JS:

I had a beard.

SG:

But you don't now.

JS:

No. I'll tell you what, you want to know why talk show hosts don't have beards?

SG:

Tell me!

JS:

'Cause Mike Douglas won't let us.

SG:

Really? And just who is this Mike Douglas?

JS:

He's in charge of all the talk show hosts. He calls, and if you have, I had a, I had a, a facial hair...

SG:

Uh huh.

JS:

... and I, I was forced to shave it.

SG:

So, Mike Douglas is a stickler for facial hair.

JS:

Does he write you too?

SG:

(angry) No, he doesn't!

JS:

You know the advice that I have for you, and this is something that Mike Douglas told me.

SG:

Wait, let me guess: work extra hard when your guests have hang-overs?

JS:

Always open with a number.

SG:

Huh.

JS:

People love it.

SG:

Zorak? Eh, number? What do you think?

Z:

(sighs) Yeah, okay. (starts playing piano intro, other instruments join in)

JS:

Just come out, pow, pow! Hit 'em with something from "Kismet", "Oklahoma", they go crazy!

SG:

Mike Douglas is a bona fide genius!

JS:

Then you bring out, I don't know, Susanne Pleshette, and the whole thing takes off.

SG:

I am seeing things for the first time!

JS:

I'm here to help, I'm here. I'm tellin' you, if we get together, Space Ghost, we can make a big thing.

SG:

Mmm hmm.

JS:

I have a little thing, you have a bigger thing, but together, we could take...

SG:

(with a "lounge" voice) Everything down a notch, Jon? Because I'd really like to take everything down a notch, if I may. You know, there's a lot of beautiful people here tonight. I see some beautiful people here. (points to one side) And right here. (points to other side) Hi! But you know, life as a superhero, ladies and gentlemen, can be... stressful. I've flown all over the galaxy, but I always come back to a special place. In my heart. It's a place called... home.

JS:

(laughs)

SG:

(with Irish accent) This one's for me mum. (invisos to center stage, with spotlight, and begins to sing)

It seems like only yesterday,
I sailed from out of Cork.
A wanderer from old Erin's Isle,
I landed in New York.

There wasn't a soul to greet me there,
A stranger on your shore.
But Irish luck was with me here,
And riches came galore.

And now I'm going back again
To dear old Erin's Isle.
My friends will meet me on the pier
And greet me with a smile.

Their faces I've almost forgot,
I've been so long away.
But me mother will introduce them all,
And this to me she'll say.

(Credits begin to roll)

Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me boy,
And here's your sister Kate.
And there's the girl you used to swing
Down by the garden gate.

Shake hands with all of the neighbors,
And kiss the colleens all,
You're as welcome as the flowers in May
In dear old Donegal.

Meet...

JS:

Oh man... We're screwed!

T:

(being slapped) Oh! I'm sorry!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next