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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in the commissary; SG squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug)

Space Ghost (SG):

(putting his head down) Idiot.

Moltar (M):

(clears his throat)

SG:

(laughs to himself)

(Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; Rammstein's "Heirate mich" swells in background)

M:

Hello?

Zorak (Z):

(slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics)

SG:

DANNYYYYYYY!

Z:

(stares back wide-eyed)

SG:

Danny boyyyyyy!

M:

(laughs quietly)

SG:

(in belch voice) Zorak doesn't have a work ethic.

M:

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Z:

(stares back with big anime eyes)

SG:

I'm not gonna hurt yah.

M:

Freak.

Z:

(still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek)

(Rammstein's "Wollt ihr das Bett in Flammen sehen?" is used as the opening theme)

Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken
Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken

Rammstein!

Rammstein,
Rammstein,
Rammstein,
Rammstein!

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man?

Z:

(nods)

(Studio hum is replaced by droning sound)

SG:

Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble?

William Shakespeare (WS):

Her tongue will not obey her heart, nor can

Z:

(shakes his head)

SG:

Technical problems? Everything... fine.

Z:

BAM!

SG:

Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow!

Z:

Yeah! Gotcha!

SG:

(lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of... The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun!

Z:

Eh, I beg your pardon?

SG:

You know, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff.

WS:

her heart inform her tongue; the swan's-down feather

Z:

Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back)

SG:

(studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine.

Z:

(stares back)

SG:

(his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah!

WS:

That stands upon the swell at the full of tide.

Z:

BAM!

SG:

(hits himself again) Ohh!

Z:

BAM!

SG:

(hits himself again) Mmmph!

Z:

BAM!

M:

Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:)

1

Index:
PARANOIA 559, 590

SG:

(hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril?

M:

Heh... No!

SG:

(Hmmm, I fear the Subliminator has taken control of Moltar's mind.)

Z:

Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly)

WS:

And neither way inclines.

SG:

Zorak! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice) Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Zorak with destructo ray)

WS:

II

Z:

(crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig.

SG:

That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk)

Z:

Yeah.

SG:

(writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name?

WS:

But as I travailed hinder through the land.

Peter Fonda (PF):

Peter.

SG:

Peter what?

PF:

Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times...

WS:

I find the people strangely fantasied.

SG:

Oh-kay, hotshot...

PF:

Sir?

SG:

What's your real name.

PF:

Peter Fonda.

SG:

(reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law.

PF:

Hee hee hee.

SG:

Y'know what? You've got it goin' on.

WS:

Possessed with rumors, full of idle dreams,

PF:

What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger?

Z:

I have a booger? Where?

PF:

(pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger?

Z:

Eh, where the heck would I have a booger?

PF:

You see this, Moltar, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:)

2

Index:
S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146

M:

Hey, you gonna get me in trouble.

Z:

I just don't get it.

M:

Stop it!

Z:

I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger?

WS:

Not knowing what they fear, but full of fear.

SG:

Stop saying "boogers"!

Z:

(in background) Ah, poop!

PF:

I'm sorry, Ghost Man...

SG:

That's fine.

PF:

I didn't mean to...

SG:

That's, that's nice.

PF:

(pointing to Zorak) You know, they eat their...

Z:

Shut up!

PF:

Well, (makes mantis hand gesture) to you too!

Z:

Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms?

WS:

III

SG:

(in low voice) Zorak, please.

Z:

You're freakin' me out!

SG:

(in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here?

PF:

I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing...

SG:

Yeah yeah yeah.

PF:

Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of eyes on Space Ghost?

(Hand with pencil appears on screen, draws two tiny off-center pupils on Space Ghost)

WS:

Momentary as a sound,

SG:

Ow! Ow, my eye. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.)

Z:

Draw him with huge buttocks!

(Shot of Space Ghost standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks)

SG:

(What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake!

WS:

Swift as a shadow, short as any dream,

Z:

(evil laugh)

SG:

(returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh!

Z:

Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks?

SG:

(glares back silently)

Z:

Hey! I'm talkin' to you!

SG:

You're evil.

Z:

(laughs)

PF:

Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes mantis hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up...

WS:

Brief as the lightning in the collied night,

Z:

(laughs)

PF:

Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here!

SG:

Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot.

WS:

That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,

Z:

(takes out laser rifle, cocks it)

PF:

Watch it.

SG:

(gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone.

PF:

Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know...

Z:

Who put that junk in your head!?

PF:

Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Space Ghost bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me?

Z:

Answer the question!

PF:

You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born.

SG:

Uh, Moltar, do you know what they are?

WS:

And ere a man hath power to say "Behold!"

M:

Shhhhh! Not now!

PF:

(laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born."

SG:

Moltar, I'd like to get some coffee.

M:

Can this wait?

PF:

You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?"

WS:

The jaws of darkness do devour it up:

SG:

(looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood?

PF:

I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years.

M:

(at Space Ghost's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off)

SG:

What's your problem?

M:

Get off my back!

WS:

So quick bright things come to confusion.

SG:

Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh!

PF:

Yikes!

SG:

(with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Polisher!

Z:

(off-camera) How's your butt?

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

PF:

Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit?

WS:

IV

M:

"Ant suit"?

SG:

(Wait a minute...)

PF:

I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there.

WS:

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

SG:

(I've heard all this before...)

PF:

But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"...

M:

What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:)

4

Index:
Tryptophan 152

SG:

(How could I be so stupid?)

PF:

There's mites all around me, Ghost Man, get rid of them!

WS:

Whith what I most enjoy contented least.

SG:

(Mites.)

M:

Mites? Ewww!

PF:

Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites!

SG:

(That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.)

PF:

Moltar, get the lava. (monitor shows text:)

5

Index:
Aversion Conditioning 602

WS:

V

M:

Uh uh.

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

SG:

Don't get the lava.

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

M:

How about I forget it.

SG:

We don't need the lava, do we, Peter?

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

SG:

'Cause you're not Peter...

PF:

What the hey...

SG:

Are ya, Peter? (aims his power band)

WS:

My heart is heavy and mine age is weak;

PF:

Odin!

SG:

Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs)

Z:

That's a, that's nice work, chump!

SG:

Say what?

Z:

You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away!

WS:

Grief would have tears, and sorrow bids me speak.

SG:

You're so naive.

M:

Naïve.

SG:

Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?!

Z:

Eh...

SG:

I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours.

Z:

Okay.

M:

It's "naïve"! (monitor shows:)

6

Index:
Lie Detection 340-365

WS:

VI

SG:

What about it?

M:

(groans)

SG:

Okay, what's next?

M:

Uh... Buzz.

SG:

Are... you sure it's Buzz?

M:

You Buzz?

Buzz Aldrin (BA):

(in lower right corner of Moltar's monitor) Yes, I believe I am.

M:

It's Buzz!

SG:

(quietly) Send him in.

BA:

(appears on studio monitor) Greetings!

WS:

I tell my sorrow to the stones,

SG:

(long pause) So, why should I talk to you?

BA:

Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago.

WS:

VII

Z:

(mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit?

BA:

A praying mantis.

M:

Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit.

BA:

Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:)

8

Index:
Agoraphobia 563, 618

WS:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Z:

Ooooh, no!!

M:

Oooh, don't let the meteorites get me, Zorak!

Z:

I'll protect ya, buddy!

SG:

So, "Buzz", if that's your real name...

BA:

Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young...

WS:

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day.

SG:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you!

BA:

Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either.

SG:

I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz?

WS:

To the last syllable of recorded time;

BA:

Oh, you bet.

SG:

Did you ever look on the Ghost Planet? Where I live!

BA:

Ghost Planet, I don't believe I have, what's it like?

Z:

(off-camera) It's no Moon.

SG:

Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"?

WS:

All our yesterdays have lighted fools

BA:

Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy?

SG:

That's right, play dumb!

BA:

Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy?

SG:

Come on, Aldrin! I'm smarter than that!

BA:

Well, that's obvious.

WS:

The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!

SG:

Owww!

M:

Now what? (monitor shows:)

10

Index:
Representational ????sight 486

SG:

Oh, nothing. Just another villain!

BA:

Villains, oh.

SG:

It's been happening all night. They're ruthless.

BA:

Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable.

WS:

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

SG:

Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Confusatron.

BA:

(chuckles) No.

SG:

He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence.

WS:

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

BA:

Oh. How can he do that?

SG:

I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now.

BA:

How can he get inside your brain?

SG:

You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his destructo ray)

BA:

(moans)

WS:

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Z:

So, there were two Confusatrons.

SG:

Obviously.

Z:

Riiight!

M:

Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin.

WS:

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury

SG:

Yes sir. (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:)

11

Index:
Neuromodulators 136, 153

M:

That's it, I've had it! You're wacked!

Z:

Yeah!

M:

You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:)

13

THE END IS NEAR

Z:

BAM! You made up an enemy!

WS:

Signifying nothing.

SG:

(sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators!

M:

That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room)

(Credits roll)

SG:

That's right, run away, you Pretendinators!

M:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off)

SG:

That's right, run to Momma!

Z:

Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt?

SG:

You want some of this, Zorak?! Or should I say, Improvimantitron?

M:

Whatever.

SG:

Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo... (repeats during remainder of credits)

Voice (V):

Space Ghost!

SG:

Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo... (crack!) ... I don't know...

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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