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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in the commissary; SG squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug)

Space Ghost (SG):

(putting his head down) Idiot.

Moltar (M):

(clears his throat)

SG:

(laughs to himself)

(Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; Rammstein's "Heirate mich" swells in background)

M:

Hello?

Zorak (Z):

(slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics)

SG:

DANNYYYYYYY!

Z:

(stares back wide-eyed)

SG:

Danny boyyyyyy!

M:

(laughs quietly)

SG:

(in belch voice) Zorak doesn't have a work ethic.

M:

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Z:

(stares back with big anime eyes)

SG:

I'm not gonna hurt yah.

M:

Freak.

Z:

(still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek)

(Rammstein's "Wollt ihr das Bett in Flammen sehen?" is used as the opening theme)

Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken
Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken

Rammstein!

Rammstein,
Rammstein,
Rammstein,
Rammstein!

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man?

Z:

(nods)

(Studio hum is replaced by droning sound)

SG:

Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble?

W. S. Merwin (WSM):

It happens that the tv show is tired of being a tv show.

Z:

(shakes his head)

SG:

Technical problems? Everything... fine.

Z:

BAM!

SG:

Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow!

Z:

Yeah! Gotcha!

SG:

(lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of... The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun!

WSM:

It happens that the tv show goes to the tailors' shops and the movies

Z:

Eh, I beg your pardon?

SG:

You know, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff.

WSM:

all shriveled up, impenetrable, like a felt swan

Z:

Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back)

SG:

(studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine.

Z:

(stares back)

SG:

(his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah!

WSM:

navigating on a water of origin and ash.

Z:

BAM!

WSM:

The smell of barber shops makes the tv show sob out loud.

SG:

(hits himself again) Ohh!

Z:

BAM!

SG:

(hits himself again) Mmmph!

Z:

BAM!

M:

Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:)

1

Index:
PARANOIA 559, 590

SG:

(hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril?

M:

Heh... No!

SG:

(Hmmm, I fear the Subliminator has taken control of Moltar's mind.)

WSM:

The tv show wants nothing but the repose either of stones or of wool.

Z:

Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly)

SG:

Zorak! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice)

WSM:

The tv show wants to see no more establishments, no more gardens,

SG:

Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Zorak with destructo ray)

WSM:

nor merchandise, nor glasses, nor elevators.

Z:

(crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig.

SG:

That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk)

Z:

Yeah.

WSM:

It happens that the tv show is tired of it's feet and it's nails

SG:

(writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name?

WSM:

and it's hair and it's shadow.

Peter Fonda (PF):

Peter.

SG:

Peter what?

PF:

Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times...

WSM:

It happens that the tv show is tired of being a tv show.

SG:

Oh-kay, hotshot...

PF:

Sir?

SG:

What's your real name.

PF:

Peter Fonda.

SG:

(reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law.

PF:

Hee hee hee.

WSM:

Just the same it would be delicious

SG:

Y'know what? You've got it goin' on.

PF:

What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger?

Z:

I have a booger? Where?

PF:

(pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger?

Z:

Eh, where the heck would I have a booger?

WSM:

to scare a notary with a cut lily

PF:

You see this, Moltar, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:)

2

Index:
S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146

M:

Hey, you gonna get me in trouble.

Z:

I just don't get it.

M:

Stop it!

Z:

I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger?

SG:

Stop saying "boogers"!

Z:

(in background) Ah, poop!

PF:

I'm sorry, Ghost Man...

SG:

That's fine.

PF:

I didn't mean to...

SG:

That's, that's nice.

WSM:

or knock a (blurred) stone cold (blurred) with one (blurred) of an ear.

PF:

(pointing to Zorak) You know, they eat their...

Z:

Shut up!

PF:

Well, (makes mantis hand gesture) to you too!

Z:

Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms?

WSM:

It would be beautiful

SG:

(in low voice) Zorak, please.

Z:

You're freakin' me out!

SG:

(in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here?

PF:

I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing...

SG:

Yeah yeah yeah.

WSM:

to go through the streets with a green knife

PF:

Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of eyes on Space Ghost?

(Hand with pencil appears on screen, draws two tiny off-center pupils on Space Ghost)

SG:

Ow! Ow, my eye. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.)

WSM:

shouting until the tv show died of cold.

Z:

Draw him with huge buttocks!

(Shot of Space Ghost standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks)

SG:

(What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake!

Z:

(evil laugh)

SG:

(returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh!

WSM:

The tv show does not want to go on being a root in the dark,

Z:

Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks?

SG:

(glares back silently)

Z:

Hey! I'm talkin' to you!

SG:

You're evil.

Z:

(laughs)

PF:

Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes mantis hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up...

WSM:

hesitating, stretched out, shivering with dreams,

Z:

(laughs)

PF:

Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here!

WSM:

downwards, in the wet tripe of the earth,

SG:

Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot.

Z:

(takes out laser rifle, cocks it)

PF:

Watch it.

SG:

(gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone.

PF:

Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know...

WSM:

soaking it up, and thinking, eating every day,

Z:

Who put that junk in your head!?

PF:

Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Space Ghost bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me?

Z:

Answer the question!

PF:

You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born.

SG:

Uh, Moltar, do you know what they are?

WSM:

The tv show does not want to be the inhieritor of so many misfortunes.

M:

Shhhhh! Not now!

PF:

(laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born."

SG:

Moltar, I'd like to get some coffee.

M:

Can this wait?

WSM:

The tv show does not want to continue as a root and as a tomb,

PF:

You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?"

SG:

(looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood?

PF:

I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years.

WSM:

as a solitary tunnel, as a cellar full of corpses,

M:

(at Space Ghost's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off)

SG:

What's your problem?

M:

Get off my back!

SG:

Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh!

WSM:

W. S. Merwin

PF:

Yikes!

SG:

(with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Polisher!

Z:

(off-camera) How's your butt?

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

PF:

Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit?

WSM:

For this reason Monday burns like oil,

M:

"Ant suit"?

SG:

(Wait a minute...)

PF:

I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there.

WSM:

at the site of the tv show arriving with it's jail face,

SG:

(I've heard all this before...)

PF:

But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"...

M:

What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:)

4

Index:
Tryptophan 152

SG:

(How could I be so stupid?)

WSM:

and it howls in passing like a wounded wheel,

PF:

There's mites all around me, Ghost Man, get rid of them!

SG:

(Mites.)

M:

Mites? Ewww!

PF:

Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites!

SG:

(That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.)

WSM:

and it's footsteps toward nightfall are filled with hot blood.

PF:

Moltar, get the lava. (monitor shows text:)

5

Index:
Aversion Conditioning 602

M:

Uh uh.

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

SG:

Don't get the lava.

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

M:

How about I forget it.

SG:

We don't need the lava, do we, Peter?

Z:

(off-camera) Uh uh.

SG:

'Cause you're not Peter...

PF:

What the hey...

SG:

Are ya, Peter? (aims his power band)

WSM:

And it shoves the tv show along to certain corners, to certain damp houses,

PF:

Odin!

SG:

Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs)

Z:

That's a, that's nice work, chump!

WSM:

to hospitals where the bones come out of windows,

SG:

Say what?

Z:

You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away!

SG:

You're so naive.

M:

Naïve.

SG:

Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?!

Z:

Eh...

SG:

I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours.

WSM:

to certain cobbers' shops smelling of vinegar,

Z:

Okay.

M:

It's "naïve"! (monitor shows:)

6

Index:
Lie Detection 340-365

SG:

What about it?

M:

(groans)

SG:

Okay, what's next?

M:

Uh... Buzz.

SG:

Are... you sure it's Buzz?

M:

You Buzz?

Buzz Aldrin (BA):

(in lower right corner of Moltar's monitor) Yes, I believe I am.

WSM:

to streets horrendous as crevices.

M:

It's Buzz!

SG:

(quietly) Send him in.

BA:

(appears on studio monitor) Greetings!

SG:

(long pause) So, why should I talk to you?

BA:

Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago.

WSM:

There are birds the colour of sulphur, and horrible intestines,

Z:

(mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit?

BA:

A praying mantis.

M:

Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit.

WSM:

hanging from the doors of the houses which the tv show hates,

BA:

Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:)

8

Index:
Agoraphobia 563, 618

Z:

Ooooh, no!!

M:

Oooh, don't let the meteorites get me, Zorak!

Z:

I'll protect ya, buddy!

WSM:

there are forgotten sets of teeth in a coffee-pot,

SG:

So, "Buzz", if that's your real name...

BA:

Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young...

SG:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you!

WSM:

there are mirrors

BA:

Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either.

SG:

I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz?

BA:

Oh, you bet.

SG:

Did you ever look on the Ghost Planet? Where I live!

WSM:

which should have wept with shame and horror,

BA:

Ghost Planet, I don't believe I have, what's it like?

Z:

(off-camera) It's no Moon.

SG:

Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"?

BA:

Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy?

SG:

That's right, play dumb!

WSM:

there are umbrellas all over the place, and poisons, and navels.

BA:

Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy?

SG:

Come on, Aldrin! I'm smarter than that!

BA:

Well, that's obvious.

SG:

Owww!

M:

Now what? (monitor shows:)

10

Index:
Representational ????sight 486

SG:

Oh, nothing. Just another villain!

WSM:

The tv show strides with calm, with eyes, with shoes,

BA:

Villains, oh.

SG:

It's been happening all night. They're ruthless.

BA:

Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable.

WSM:

with fury, with forgetfulness.

SG:

Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Confusatron.

BA:

(chuckles) No.

SG:

He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence.

BA:

Oh. How can he do that?

SG:

I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now.

WSM:

The tv show passes, the tv show crosses offices and stores full of orthopedic appliances,

BA:

How can he get inside your brain?

SG:

You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his destructo ray)

WSM:

and courtyards hung with clothes on wires,

BA:

(moans)

Z:

So, there were two Confusatrons.

SG:

Obviously.

Z:

Riiight!

M:

Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin.

WSM:

underpants, towels and shirts which weep

SG:

Yes sir. (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:)

11

Index:
Neuromodulators 136, 153

M:

That's it, I've had it! You're wacked!

Z:

Yeah!

M:

You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:)

13

THE END IS NEAR

Z:

BAM! You made up an enemy!

WSM:

slow dirty tears.

SG:

(sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators!

M:

That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room)

(Credits roll)

SG:

That's right, run away, you Pretendinators!

M:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off)

SG:

That's right, run to Momma!

Z:

Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt?

SG:

You want some of this, Zorak?! Or should I say, Improvimantitron?

M:

Whatever.

Voice (V):

(answers phone) Hello? (hangs up)

(Phone starts ringing again) (crack!)

SG:

I don't know...

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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