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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Orchestra version of "Hit Single" theme, with snappy new graphics, and following titles:)

Ghost Planet Industries Presents O COAST TO COAST! Starring SPACE GHOST Co-starring ZORAK And MOLTAR Featuring BRAK And LOKAR Special Guests STEVE ALLEN And ANDY DICK

Space Ghost (SG):

(fade in) Greetings! I am Space Ghost! My first guest tonight is the incredible, the incomparable Steve Allen! (pause) Steve Allen? Is that right, Moltar?

Moltar (M):

(piano intro plays in background) Yep, that's right. We got Steve Allen.

SG:

(sings:)
Oh my, I can't believe my ears,
I have waited for this moment for years.
How can this be?
Steve Allen's gonna talk to me?
Steve Allen!

Zorak (Z):

Steve Allen?

SG:

Yes, Zorak, Steve Allen!
Why, he's the greatest talk show host,
From Atlantic to Pacific coast,
I really do not mean to boast,
That we've got Steve Allen.

M:

Hey, I got Steve Allen!
I twisted arms, I threatened harm,
In galaxies, I caused alarm,
Made many agents buy the farm,
Just to get you Steve Allen!

(Moltar's monitor says:)

HOLLYWOOD PALACE

Z:

He's got you, SG, give him credit,
He doesn't just direct and edit,
Moltar needs to have some credi-i-i-it!

SG:

Okay Moltar, Zorak's right,
I do not want to start a fight,
But if you cross me I just might
Pull Steve Allen!

Zorak & Moltar (Z&M):

Steve Allen?!

SG:

I can't believe we got Steve Allen!

All (A):

Steve Allen! (music ends)

Audience (A):

(applause)

SG:

Wow, Moltar, how'd you score Steve Allen anyway?

M:

(reading a book) I threatened to give his manager a third degree burn.

Z:

Bonus!

SG:

Zorak, play me to the desk. Something.. snappy!

Z:

(sighs, then sings:)
Oh, I am but a mantis,
So evil and so mean,
Forced into this position,
Is it because I'm green?

SG:

(invisos to desk, then sings)

Oh, I did not imprison you
For the color of your skin.
You see, Zorak, I'm colorblind,
What's outside doesn't count,
True evil's from withi-i-i-i-i-in!

Z:

Oh, I can see so clearly now,
You've taught me quite a lesson.
Oh, thank you, thank you, Space Gho-o-o-ost,
You truly are a blessin'.

SG:

(spoken) Aw, Zorak, that's sweet.

M:

Uh, I'm gonna vomit! (music ends)

A:

(applause)

Z:

Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much! Thank you!

Steve Allen (SA):

(on control room monitor) (hums and bops) I was just talkin' to some of my friends on the street. (Moltar's monitor says:)

SAT 3
144 NW

TRY THE VEAL

M:

Uh huh. Uh, hey, hey there.

SA:

Is that Space Ghost?

M:

Uh, yes, it is I, Space Ghost. (snickers) It, it's an honor to have you on the show. (Moltar's monitor says:)

SAT 3.14
144 NW

DUMBTH

M:

(snickers) Steve. (laughs)

SA:

I'm very honored to, uh, permit you to be honored by talking to me, Spacey. There, Ghostie, whoever you are. (Moltar's monitor says:)

SAT 3.141
144 NW

BENNY GOODMAN STORY

M:

(laughs) Yeah, yeah. Do that noise with your armpits!

SA:

(puts his hand in his armpit and flaps his arm, making bird noises with his mouth. As he does so, digits are added to the SAT number on the monitor until it says:)

SAT 3.1415926

SA:

Is that what you mean?

M:

(laughs)

SG:

Moltar, what's the holdup? What are you doing?

M:

(music begins, sings:)
"Moltar, what are you doing?"
It's a question I've heard all my life.
My parents don't understand me,
And neither does my wife.

SG:

Moltar?

M:

She's a sweet and simple girl, my Linda.

SG:

Moltar? Moltar!

M:

A lovely lava lass, you see...

SG:

Moltar! Send out the guest! (music stops abruptly)

M:

Alright, alright! (throws lever, quick cuts of the following images: a test pattern from Brussles, an image of a satelite, a disclaimer of some sort from a news show, a test pattern from CNN London, as the images flash by, the number increases to 3.141592653; sends Steve to the studio monitor)

SG:

(as monitor lowers from ceiling with Steve) Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him, ya know him, ya love him, you go through a phase where you don't love him so much, yet you don't want to hurt him, so you don't dare tell him of your feelings, so you marry him, you bear his children, and you live out the rest of your days suffering from his cold and silent indifference, say hello to Steve Allen!

SA:

Thank you.

SG:

The pleasure's mine, Steverino. Have you met my arch-enemy Zorak?

SA:

Zorak? No, but I would be honored to meet any fellow musician. What does he play, by the way?

SG:

He's our mantis king of the keyboards!

SA:

Ah, good.

Z:

Hi, Steve. Mind if I snack on your head?

SG:

Who-a-a-a-a! Hey, Steve, ya hear that?

SA:

(laughs) Well, it makes me laugh, as you just saw, I found it amusing that someone would want to snack on my head. There's an old song, "Snack on my head", no, no, I'm sorry, that's "Time on my hands"...

SG:

No, no no no no no no no, that's right, Steve. Show him, Zorak.

Z:

(music starts, sings:)
There are heads just right for some snackin',
And I mean to snack on a few.
Come on, Steve, it's time to get crackin',
I got a lot o' snackin' to do!

SG:

Oh, there are villains just right for some whackin',
And I mean to whack me a few.
Come on, Zorak, it's about to happen,
I got a lot o' whackin' to do!

M:

There are fires just right for some settin',
And I aim to set a few fires.
When those fires get set they'll be burnin'.

SG:

Shut up, Moltar!

Z:

We hate you!

M:

And.. um, er... (music ends abruptly)

SG:

You're dumb!

M:

But... I was just... (Moltar's monitor says:)

MISTER MOON

SG:

No! You're stupid! So just shut up, stupid!

M:

... tryin' to...

SG:

No!

M:

... fit in.

SG:

Stupid!

M:

Ugh!

SG:

So, what do you think of my show, Steve?

SA:

Well, it's the first of its kind, and, and so you're just as good as I am, I did the first of my kind, you've done the first of your kind.

SG:

(music starts, sings:)
Then let the record so reflect,
'Twas I that got there first.

SA:

Alright, then let the record so reflect.

SG:

Even thought I never get
The credit I deserve.

SA:

You raise a very sore point.

SG:

Lah di dah di dah di dah.

Z:

You forgot the words, you jerk!

SA:

How you like that for a snappy comeback?

SG:

Come and get it!
Come and get it!

M:

You're really really really gonna get it!

SG:

You'll regret it
When you get it,
Because it isn't something that you want.

Z:

What are you talking about?

SG:

Shut up, Zorak,
I'm sick of your beak.
I'm gonna blast you
Into next week.
(aims his powerband and blasts Zorak)

Z:

(crisped) (coughs, then sings:)
Oh, I get it,
Now, this pain is very dear to me.
You see, when I get blasted,
It makes your intentions clear to me-e-e-e-e.
(coughs)

M:

Sittin' in the control room,
Waitin' for the break,
Waitin' for the bre-a-a-ak,
Waitin' for the break to co-o-o-o-ome.

SG:

Shut up!

A:

(applause)

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

M:

(music starts, sings:)
Sittin' in the control room,
Waitin' for the break,
Waitin' for the bre-a-a-ak,
Waitin' for the break to en-n-n-n-n-n-nd!. (music ends)
Uh, isn't anyone gonna tell me to shut up?

Z:

You don't deserve it.

SG:

Yeah, and we're setting up the next bit, so shut up, stupid! (Moltar's monitor says:)

MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAYS

M:

Thank you.

Z:

You just told him to shut up!

SG:

I did?

Z:

Yes, you did!

SG:

Ah well... Now it's time for Steve Allen to do a little bit of his "Man on the Street" schtick.

SA:

Yes, of course, I need a street, and I need at least one man. You have a sample man for me?

SG:

Only the samplest. Brak? (music begins)

SA:

Hello, Brak, can you hear me?

Brak (B):

(appearing in many different background scenes, sings:)
On the street,
On the street,
I think there's something stuck on my feet!
Life is great,
I feel grand,
I could eat a whole pound o' ham!
Hello, Mr. Sidewalk,
How'd you get so long?
Do you mind bein' under me
As I sing this happy song?
On the street,
On the street,
Whe-e-ere I a-a-am, I'm on-n-n the-e-e stre-e-e-e-e-eet!
On the street!

SA:

(laughs) Well, I guess that constitutes a yes. Brak!

B:

What?

SA:

(says something in Brakese), eh?

B:

Oh boy! (laughs) Ah, boy, I get it! (laughs)

SA:

You got it, good, well, go tell your mother.

B:

Oh, I won't.

SG:

Wow, do you know Brak's language?

SA:

Are you surprised to learn that I actually speak Brakese?

B:

Hit me again, Steverino.

SA:

(says something else in Brakese)

B:

Oh, that's what she said! (laughs)

SA:

(laughs) I'm hip, but it was supposed to be just between you and me.

B:

You're funny, Steve Allen.

SA:

Okay, Brak, and, and Spacie and Ghostie, and all the dwarfs who are out there today around the old campfire.

SG:

Thank you, Steve Allen. And from all of us here around the old campfire...

B:

(music starts, sings:)
It's.. been.. great!
It's been fun!

SG:

But your interview is done.
So get out of the chair,
And get out of my hair!

B:

'Cause it's almost like bein' in
Lo-o-o-o-o-ove! (music ends)

A:

(applause)

M:

(with Andy Dick on control room monitor, which now shows SAT 3.14159265358; throws lever, creating a burst of feedback) Whoa, did you hear that? (digits are added until the next song begins, at which point it is up to SAT 3.141592653589793

Andy Dick (AD):

Yeah, I heard it really loud.

M:

I hit the wrong switch.

AD:

Oh, man.

M:

I'm gonna do it again. (throws lever, creating another burst of feedback)

AD:

(yells)

M:

(laughs)

SG:

Moltar, what's going on in there?

M:

Uh, Andy Dick, comin' right up.

SG:

(music starts) Andy Dick? Is that right, Moltar?

M:

Yep, that's right. We got Andy Dick.

SG:

(sings:)
Oh my! I can't believe my ears!
I've waited for this moment for years!
How can this be?
Andy Dick's gonna talk to me?
Andy Dick!

Z:

Andy Dick? Why did we get Andy Dick?

M:

Because Linda loves Andy Di-i-i-i-ick.
And as you know,
She's a sweet and simple girl, my Linda,
A lovely lava lass, you see. (Moltar's monitor says:)

DOWN MEMORY LANE

Z:

Shut up!

SG:

(music stops abruptly) Shut up! Stupid!

Z:

We hate you!

SG:

Wait a minute. Steve Allen... Andy Dick... they both have first names for last names! It's a "theme" show! Good work, stupid! (Moltar's monitor says:)

HOT FRESH POTATOES

M:

Uh, yeah, well, sure. That's.. what I had in mind.

AD:

(breathes on glasses) Oh, Space Ghost. Hello!

SG:

So, Andy, did you like our little Andy Dick song?

AD:

That is sweet, that is sweet.

SG:

It's a reprise of the song, "I Can't Believe We Got Steve Allen."

AD:

Oh, so it's not, uh... (takes a deep breath) it's not that special.

SG:

No no no, it's very special!

AD:

Yeah, but you wrote it for Steve Allen, and then you just inserted my, no, it's fine, though, it's fine, I, I...

SG:

Anyway, Steve Allen ate up a lot of time, so I don't reallly have a lot of...

AD:

You don't have any!

SG:

No, we don't have a ton of...

AD:

You. Don't. Have. Any.

Z:

(holding his blast rifle) Woo hoo! (cocks rifle) Looks like a feudin's on the way!

M:

(music starts, sings:)
Down in the holler,
Amongst the filth and squalor,
Looks like a feud there's gonna be.

SG:

The number's been cut! (music stops abruptly) Look, Red, I don't really have a lot of time to be confrontational about this, so...

AD:

You're right, I don't want to, either, actually, because I don't have superpowers.

SG:

That's right, Andy, you wouldn't stand a chance against my destructo ray or my heat ray or my freeze ray or my...

AD:

I know what you have. I know.

SG:

(aiming at Andy) Andy...

AD:

I know.

SG:

That's better.

AD:

I have an inviso belt, that I can, I can turn invisible. (looks down at his belt) Oh, I'm not wearing it.

SG:

Hoo, you're not wearing it? Well, maybe it's at home in the magic closet!

AD:

(laughs)

SG:

You know, thinking about it, you don't have an inviso belt. (angry) Because only my colleagues and I wear them!

AD:

Okay, um, you're right, I don't... I don't have one.

SG:

Alright, now tell everyone at home!

AD:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

SG:

Do it!

AD:

I don't have an inviso belt. (sighs)

SG:

Andy, sing your song.

AD:

Oh, I have to sing it?

SG:

Yes.

AD:

Will you sing it with me?

SG:

Sing! Sing like Judy Collins!

AD:

(guitar accompaniment, sings:)
Space Ghost, Space Ghost, put down that stick.
Please don't beat up Andy Dick.

SG:

(orchestra accompaniment, sings:)
Andy, Andy, you're getting me ticked!
Think I'm pummel Andy Dick!

AD:

Space Ghost, Space Ghost, clickety click,
Space Ghost, don't be a space -

SG:

Andy, Andy, clickety click,
Andy, don't be a -

AD:

Space Ghost, don't be a -

SG:

Andy, don't be a space -

AD:

(together with Space Ghost's last line, so the guitar and orchestra are also together) Space Ghost don't be a -

Z:

Hey, everybody, it's time for the big finale! (Moltar's monitor says:)

SAYS MOLTAR'S MONITOR

SG:

It's time for the finale,

Z:

It's time to end the show.

M:

The fun we've had is over now,

SG:

That's right, it's time to go.

Lokar (L):

I didn't have any lines today,

Z:

That made some people glad!

B:

(dances into view) I'm really very sad!

SG:

That's all the time we have today,
We finally get a chance,
To see while Moltar rolls the credits,
Andy Dick will dance.
Goodbye!

Z:

Goodbye!

M:

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

SG:

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!
Good night, everybody!
(to Andy) Now, dance!

AD:

A five, six, seven, eight... (tap dances to schmaltzy piano music while the credits roll) How much do you want, I can go on all day.

SG:

Do it all day.

AD:

Yeah, I can do anything, I can shuffle off to Buffalo.

Z:

Hey, why don't you shuffle off to Mars?

AD:

I can't, I can't shuffle off too far, though.

Z:

Wuss. (piano ends)

SA:

(hums and bops)

SG:

This has been a Ghost Planet Industries production. Oh! (raspberry sound) That's what I did in rehearsal, and everybody laughed. (sings:) Oh, my! I can't believe my ears!

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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