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BEGIN TRANSMISSION

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT CONCERNING THE FUTURE OF SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST

Space Ghost (SG):

(invisos in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Space Ghost, with an important announcment to make. (clears his throat; talks quietly) We're broke. (violin music begins) That's right, the Space Ghost Coast to Coast show is out of cash. So tonight our regular show has been preimmunized for a special Space Ghost telethon. If you love me, or have ever loved me, or ever plan to love me in the future, I urge you tonight, to please stay tuned, pledge generously, to help keep the Ghost alive!

(In the commissary)

Zorak (Z):

So, whattya gonna do if the show gets canned?

Moltar (M):

Oh, I got a few irons in the fire.

Z:

Like what?

M:

They're remaking "MacGyver", only this time... he's a woman!

Z:

What're you talking about? He was always a woman!

M:

Oh. Uh, I'm gonna get some coffee.

Z:

You don't have any leads, do ya?

M:

Leave me alone!

Z:

You liar! You made that up!

M:

Leave me alone!

(Opening theme & titles)

(Opening graphic sequence shifts to studio monitor as it is displayed)

SG:

You see, folks, hi-tech computer animation like this costs money. How much? I don't know, but trust me, it's one heck of a lot. And we're wiped out cleaner than a fat man's eatin' hand. (smile sparkles) So I turn to you, the viewers, in my quarter-hour of need. I know you folks will call the numbers flashing on the screen below, and pledge your undying support.

CALL NOW! (555) 555-CASH

SG:

Because you have a jug o' love for me, and you're thirsty for what I got! (makes kisses to camera)

ALPHA CENTAURI (555) 555-GIVE

Z:

(wide-eyed) This is shameful, even to me!

M:

It's just so.. wrong.

Lokar (L):

Ahem. A-hem!

SUPPORT THE GHOST (555) 555-DEBT

SG:

Why, look, everybody! The Council of Doom is here! They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls.

L:

Yes! And every twenty dollar pledge r-r-receives a kissy-kiss, from your truly!

Tansut (T):

Really?

NANTUCKET (555) 555-IBEG

L:

Yes, come over here, Tanny! Come a little closer, I want to smell what you've been eating all day!

T:

(whimpers)

L:

Liverwurst! Divine! (sniff sniff) Oh, and thick sliced cross cut of bologna! How fragrant!

HELP! (555) 555-MOOLAH

T:

Oh, you...

Z:

I'd pay twenty bucks to hear Lokar shut up!

L:

And you need to get over yourself, lover!

SG:

(pause) Our goal tonight is a mere seventeen and a half million dollars!

RUMYUNGYUNSONSON (555) 555-PAYUP

L:

Tell me, Space Ghost, you oafish lunkheaded clodpate, you tr-r-ruly believe that you can r-r-raise that much wampum in such a paltry amount of time?

SG:

Yes indeedy! I'm putting my money where my mouth is!

CALL THIS MINUTE (555) 555-GREEN

SG:

I'm going to start us off by donating the proceeds from the sale of three pints of my (echo effect) Super Space Blood! (end echo) Moltar, let's go to the big board.

M:

(throws lever) (numbers spin on the "DON'T GIVE UP the GHOST" tote board, with the final total showing:)

$36.10

SG:

(subdued) Woo whee.

SECTORS R OR N (555) 555-BROKE

SG:

(taps his cards) And I'm sure we'll be adding it up with our first performer. So make that pledge now, folks, while we bring on funny man Pete Michael! (band music intro)

Black Widow (BW):

Oooooh! Aaaaah!

DON'T BE CHEAP (555) 555-BILLS

Pete Michael (PM):

Thank you! Ghost Planet, how are ya, Space Ghost, very good to see you. It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen, you too, Zorak.

Z:

Don't you even look at me!

PM:

But, uh, Ghost Planet, boy, this is somethin'. I can't believe I got a flight up here! (rim shot)

SG:

(laughs)

ALTAIR IV (555) 555-DOUGH

PM:

But, it's great to be anywhere, I tell ya, the club I was workin' at last week? Big Jehovah Witness convention at the hotel I was stayin' at.

SG:

(laughs)

PM:

And you know what I did? I went out after my show... What did I... Ah... sorry. (walks off stage)

PLEASE, PLEASE CALL! (555) 555-POOR

SG:

Well, now, wasn't that... Pete Michael, every one.

Brak (B):

Space Ghost! Somebody just called, and they wanna donate a billion dollars!

SG:

What's their name?!

B:

Seymore Hiney.

SG:

Thank you so much, Seymore. Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.

AREA 51 (555) 555-FUNDS

Z:

You idiot!

M:

It was a prank call!

SG:

Uh... Oh. I am now rescinding my thank-you. Council, accept no more calls from the Hiney family. Moltar, next performer! Toot sweety!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? (555) 555-GIFT

(Moltar's monitor says:)

THIS IS WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAYS,

(Moltar throws lever, a Dutch test pattern appears for a split second before Russ is sent to studio monitor)

SG:

Greetings, citizen Next Performer.

Russ Powell (RP):

Greetings.

Z:

Arrr, 'tis a scurvy pirate!

BW:

A-a-ah! O-o-o-o-o!

B:

He's not a pirate, stupid!

RP:

Actually, I'm dressed out of the Renaissance period...

TINY HUT PEOPLE CALL (555) 555-MONEY

B:

A humanistic revival of art, literature, and learning in Europe which occurred during the 14th through 16th centuries. Tell me something I don't know!

RP:

Can I show you some juggling while I'm here?

B:

Juggling! Oh boy! Do it! Do some juggling!

USE YOUR PHONE! (555) 555-BREAD

RP:

(juggles three colored balls, accompanied by cheesy organ music)

SG:

Look, he's honestly juggling! Come on, folks, isn't this worth at least a few million?

T:

Ooh, watch him juggle!

(Big board total drops from $36.10 to $31.10)

SG:

Hey, wait a second, the total just went down five dollars!

¿AL SUR DE LA FRONTERA? LLAMA: (555) 555-PESO

M:

Uh, I know, I.. just rented "Barb Wire". I hear it's awesome. (Moltar's monitor says:)

READ MOLTAR'S MONITOR

(followed by:)

WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR DOESN'T

B:

Oh, I wanna see that!

M:

It's rated "R", Brak!

B:

Aw, poop.

(Brak's image on monitor is replaced by Birdman)

M:

Oh!

Birdman (B):

Greetings, citizens! (Moltar's monitor says:)

ONE LOUDER ALWAYS 11

BW:

O-o-o-o-o!

Z:

Obscene bird call!

CALL, CALL, CALL! (555) 555-BUSTED

B:

Are you getting enough oxygen?

SG:

Look, Birdman, I'm in the middle of my telethon right now.

B:

You know, Tad, don't you think it's ironic that when I ask for money it's called begging, but when you drop to your knees it's called a telethon.

(following text displayed mirrored:)

BIZARRO WORLD (555) 555-P3&-$%8

SG:

Yeah, how about that? Ain't that somethin'?

B:

I got somethin' I can do for your telethon. How about I decorate your back window with a little of my special guano?

SG:

How about if I throw some corn on the floor and you peck it up with your mouth!

WE ACCEPT FOODSTAMPS! (555) 555-PENNILESS

B:

That's okay, Birdman, I'll do it, I like corn!

B:

(shakes his head) I'm outta here. (image fades from monitor)

SG:

Um, uh, let's keep things moving. Uh, Moltar, how about another guest?

M:

(Moltar's monitor says:)

MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAY SIMONS SAYS

(Monitor then shows a test pattern from Potsdam, followed by Coco the Electronic Monkey Wizard)

Coco (C):

Moltar!

(Moltar throws the lever, which sends Coco away and sends Bob and Robbie to studio monitor)

SG:

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for...

BW:

O-o-o-o-o!

HORSEHEAD NEBULA (555) 555-SPEND

SG:

Uh, Bob and Robby!

Ventriloquist Dummy (VD):

Hey, how ya doin'?

SG:

Um, your little friend just, um, talked.

VD:

(to Bob) Little friend, who's he talkin' to?

Z:

It's a puppet!

SG:

A puppet! Did you say a puppet?

Bob Abdou (BA):

Yes, puppet.

COUNTERFEIT BILLS NOT A PROBLEM! (555) 555-CHANGE

VD:

Puppet. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.

SG:

Aaaa! The puppet talks! Zorak! The puppet talks!

VD:

P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.

SG:

(blasts Bob and Robby from the monitor; Russ reappears, holding three knives)

BW:

O-o-o-o-o!

RP:

One, two, three, here we go. (starts juggling the knives)

BW:

(screams)

DOTHAN (555) 555-BUCK

SG:

Bless you, Santa, it's the Juggler!

BW:

(continues screaming)

L:

Oh, Black Widow, please continue that shrieking, because it can't possibly be more annoying!

RP:

(still juggling knives) Now, I have a confession to make here, I have never really figured out a way to stop this. So, uh, any ideas?

REMEMBER, NO $$$, NO SGC2C (555) 555-STRAPPED

M:

Uh, let it fall on your head.

Z:

Yeah, do that.

M:

Mmm, that might be dangerous. (Moltar's monitor says:)

IS THIS WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAYS

MARS (555) 555-ROCK

Z:

Hey, throw 'em up really high, and catch 'em in your mouth.

M:

But be careful.

RP:

(still juggling knives) There we go.

SG:

(blasts Russ on monitor)

RP:

Oh! (drops the knives) I missed that.

SG:

Council of Doom! Any calls?

Council of Doom (COD):

No!

YOUR GIFTS ARE TAX DEDUCTABLE (555) 555-LOOPHOLE

SG:

Well, then, I guess we can take a break for some commercial messages.

Z:

Telethons don't have commericals!

SG:

And bugs don't talk, Zorak, (switches to Zorak voice) so welcome to the asylum!

Z:

(stares back wide-eyed)

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

ASTRON DELTA (555) 555-JACK

SG:

And we're back. Moltar, how are the phones?

M:

(whispering) Silent, like crabs.

Z:

Yes, like crabs.

SG:

(This is worse than the time you had to battle the Bedouin battleships bare-bottom to the thumbtack factory.)

MOM! PLEASE CALL! (555) 555-ALLOWANCE

SG:

(What can I do to save this turkey?) Council of Doom? (aims power bands) Give me your money!

L:

No! I shan't give you a sheckel.

BW:

O-o-o-oh no!

B:

Okay, here's my allowance.

Metallus (M):

(drones and slams fist)

HALE BOPP (555) 555-HELP

T:

You still owe me money!

L:

(mocking) You still owe me money! You still owe me money! Ah, there it is again, the acrid putrocity of Tansut's chronic halitosis!

T:

(whimpers)

L:

Shut that stench-hole or I shall gag!

SG:

(None of this is real.)

THE MIND TAKER PLEASE DO NOT CALL

PM:

(back on stage) Ghost Planet, how are ya? Space Ghost, very good to see you. (band music plays)

SG:

Pete Michael, everybody.

PM:

Ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be here, good to see ya. You too, Zorak.

Z:

Feh.

PM:

But, man, Ghost Planet, finally, finally get to be on Ghost Planet.

NOSTROMO (555) 555-CREDIT

SG:

Phones are open, folks.

PM:

I can't believe I got a flight up here. (rim show, by Christy)

SG:

(laughs)

PM:

But, uh, gol, I keep forgetting about that Jehovah Witness thing.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN (555) 555-GHOST

Z:

Nice try, freak.

PM:

I'm sorry, I was off my mark anyway. (walks off stage, in front of Space Ghost's desk)

(Bob reappears on studio monitor, with an Elvis dummy)

VD:

(sings) Goodnight, oh-h-h-h!

SG:

Phones are open, folks.

LITTLE GOTHAM (555) 555-KWACHA

M:

(looking at weather map on control room monitor) You see, these drops are falling in between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big "H", 'cause that's where heaven is.

RP:

Well, we can do "Viva Las Vegas", but we, uh, I have it on cassette.

(Shot of the Big Board, total is still at $31.10)

GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS (555) 555-PENCE

SG:

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to blast you, because we're not getting any calls, and you're the nearest scapegoat.

RP:

Oh, okay.

SG:

(blasts them off the monitor) (subdued) Well, what else can I say, except... (looks at his blue card) Ladies and gentlemen... (band music plays)

NEW CHICAGO (555) 555-KYAT

Z:

Oh, no!

SG:

Pete Michael.

PM:

(walking onto stage) Thank you.

B:

Oh, you're welcome!

PM:

Thank you, Ghost Planet, it's great to see everyone. Even you, Zorak.

COMEDY AIN'T FREE, YOU KNOW (555) 555-HAHA

Z:

Shine on, you crazy diamond. (rim shot)

PM:

(looks around)

SG:

Phones are open, folks.

PM:

Guys, we cannot pick up women in fast food restaurants. There is only one person who can pick up a girl at the salad bar at Burger King. That person, of course, is... (turns around, puts on wig)

PARADISE ISLAND (555) 555-SHEKEL

B:

Pete Michael! Pete Michael? You, Pete Michael! Pete Michael!

PM:

(turns around, wearing Kramer wig) Kramer, from "Seinfeld".

SG:

Kramer!?

B:

Oh boy, an impression!

T:

You see, he's gonna act like Kramer from "Seinfeld", but he's really not.

NO MORE I.O.U.'s PLEASE (555) 555-ZLOTY

B:

Aw, what a gyp.

PM:

(doing Kramer gestures and voice) Cucumbers. Roughage. Cool! So, can I buy you a pie? Aaaaa!

RIGEL IV (555) 555-RUPEE

SG:

(In my head, where it's safe a warm, I'm making lots of money.)

PM:

... Oh, yes. (phone rings in background) (normal voice) I've never done anything where absolutely nobody laughs.

M:

Welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

WHAT'S THE HOLD UP? (555) 555-NOW!

SG:

Oh, they're laughin' alright.

B:

Space Ghost! There's a call!

SG:

Is it one of those Hineys?

B:

Um... yes.

LYTHION (555) 555-JANE

SG:

Argh! That's it! (pounds desk) I've had it with you people! I do this Hindenburg of a talk show each week, and where does it get me? Humiliation City, population one. Listen up, TV land: if you don't give me all your money, I'm.. gonna.. uh, shoot Brak!

DO WE HAVE TO THREATEN YOU? (555) 555-PAIN

B:

I didn't do anything bad! (sobbing) I don't wanna be shot!

SG:

What am I doing? Brak, I, I am sorry.

B:

It's okay, Space Ghost.

SG:

It is? Well then... (blasts Brak)

TRALFAMADORE (555) 555-GIVEIT

B:

Aaaaa! (blam!) Yeow, that smarts.

SG:

There! See? See what you people made me do? (dramatic drum roll, Big Board counts down)

All (A):

Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!

CHECK UNDER THE CUSHIONS (555) 555-NICKELS

BW:

O-o-o-o-o!

Z:

Happy new year!

SG:

Whoa, mama! Come on, come on, come on, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! Yes! (digits start to reveal themselves, total is larger than $31.10) Yes! (pounds his desk)

$-814,375.76

SG:

Wh- wha, whu, but th-th-th-that's impossible, Moltar, because we...

PARIS (NO HARD FEELINGS?) (555) 555-FRANC

M:

Well, the big board cost fifteen thou, and there's the added phone lines, teamsters, catering from Taco King. (Moltar's monitor says: SAYS WHO?, credits roll) The blue screen for the comedian, that cost ten grand, plus he took a cab. The weather graphics, "Barb Wire" rental, the Council's fees, and, oh yeah, the eighty thousand dollar Ming dynasty vase that Brak is about to knock over.

B:

Dig this, Ming, I'm sick of your dynasty! (sound of vase breaking)

(screen goes black)

SG:

Moltar, what's going on?

M:

Um, they cut the power.

(Credits roll)

T:

(whispers) Hey! Let's all take off our masks! (laughs)

(Cash register sound)

© 1997 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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