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Waiting

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar in the commissary)

Space Ghost (SG):

I'm sorry about this, but I can't help it. And I can't talk to you two long or I'll get upset. (sobs) I want you two to make a lot of friends, and I want you to be real nice to the girls, 'cause they're going to be real important to you soon. I swear.

Zorak (Z):

We're not afraid of girls, what makes you think that?

SG:

You may be later on.

Z:

I doubt it.

Moltar (M):

Why don't you shut up? Shut up!

Z:

You shut up!

SG:

You be sweet. Be sweet! And stop trying to pretend that you hate me. I mean, that's silly.

M:

I like you.

SG:

Okay then. Will you listen especially close? I know you like me. I know it. For the last two years you've been pretending like you hate me. I love you very much. I love you as much as I love anybody. I, I love you as much as I love myself. (piano music swells in background) In a few years when I haven't been around to be on your tail about something or irritating you, you're gonna remember. You're gonna remember the time I bought you the baseball glove, when you thought we were too broke. Or when I read you stories. When I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn. Lots of things like that. And you're gonna realize that you loved me, and maybe you'll feel bad because you never told me. I know that you love me.

(Music gets louder and louder, drowning out Space Ghost; it is coming from Zorak's boom box)

Z:

I love this song!

(Sunset in background; singing with guitar accompaniment begins)

When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
over thy spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at heart;
Go forth, under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a voice--Yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where thy pale form was laid, with many tears.

(Space Ghost invisos to set)

SG:

Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. And I have a very important annoucement to make concerning my death. (sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, I, Space Ghost, am dying.

(Zorak and Way-outs play some upbeat Dixieland music)

M:

So, are you gonna go to your desk?

SG:

(distraught) I can't.

M:

Why not?

SG:

Or it may be my last time. Soon, I will no longer be bound to this -

M:

(shouts) Move it!

SG:

(sighs) I'm gonna miss this part. (invisos to desk) (way-outs stop playing) I love that part. (sniffs and sobs)

M:

Uh, can I have your cape?

SG:

I need my cape.

M:

Not where you're going. (laughs)

SG:

(sobs quietly with hand over his face)

Z:

Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?

SG:

(stops sobbing) No, I feel okay.

Z:

How about a head butt?

SG:

No, no thank you. (sobs again) It's just there's so many things I haven't done with my life.

M:

Like what?

SG:

Like what?! Well, for one thing, I've never ridden on a barge. And, I've never met Boomer Esiason. It's all so unfair! (choir voices swell in background; Space Ghost flies into space) I've never even eaten an omelet. (flies back to his desk) Oh well, surely there are omelets in heaven.

M:

What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?

SG:

Oh, whatever. As long as they have omelets.

Z:

You're just makin' this up so we'll feel bad for ya!

SG:

Frankly, Zorak, that's offensive. Like I would make up such a thing. (coughs twice, very unconvincingly) See, you hear that? It won't be long now.

M:

Yeah, um, what's gonna happen to us?

SG:

Well, you're free to go. Isn't that great?

Z:

(stares wide-eyed)

M:

Really?

SG:

No. (laughs) You're part of a franchise. And by the end of tonight's show, we'll have my replacement. So to get that going, bring in my first guest.

Marc Weiner (MW):

(lowers on monitor, in "Weinerville" miniature person set) Aha! Joey Deluxe, super-agent.

SG:

Greetings, Joey. I understand you represent top-notch talent.

MW:

That's right!

SG:

Joey, I need your help. I've been diagnosed as one who is near death.

MW:

(trying to keep his toupe from falling off) I'd like to help you out, but I got a little problem of my own right now.

SG:

Joey, do you have any ideas of who could replace me as host of this show? I know it's a tall order.

MW:

(his toupe falls over his face) Space Ghost! Ah, oh boy! Help me! It's, it's an alien, it's takin' over my face!

SG:

Now, it should be someone just like me, only not dead.

MW:

Ah, fantastic! Was that a joke?

SG:

Very serious, Joey.

MW:

What an operation.

SG:

So, can you help me?

MW:

Ha ha! Fantastic!

SG:

Fantastic!

MW:

Fantastic! Ow! Ow! Ahh! (toupe falls off again) (fades from monitor)

SG:

Fantastic!

Z:

(glares)

SG:

(sighs) I really love these cards. They're a part of me. They've been along for the ride. (tap tap tap) What a ride it has been. (tap) I'd do it all over again if I could, but next time there would be a little Space Ghost to extend the family line.

(Transition to imaginary alternate timeline; Space Ghost in Phantom Cruiser with little Space Ghost beside him)

Roy Allen (RA):

(sobbing)

SG:

What's the matter, Roy Allen?

RA:

(sobbing) I didn't hit the ball today!

SG:

Oh, there's plenty of other balls in the sea, son. Besides, you're not very talented. Ya have no hand-eye coordination.

RA:

(continues sobbing)

(Transition back to studio)

SG:

Zorak, Moltar, listen up (Choir voices swell in background) When I inviso out -- all the way out -- I want to be buried right here, in the studio.

M:

Space Ghost, what if you don't die?

SG:

Well, that would be good for me, Moltar.

M:

No, I mean, what if you just go into a coma or somthing. What then? Do we get to pull the plug?

Z:

Ooh! I wanna pull it!

M:

Why should you get to pull it?

Z:

Oh, come on!

M:

I asked!

SG:

Oh, let me sleep on it, I'll let you know tomorrow. (Eh! Listen to me, talkin' about tomorrow. How brave of me.)

(Marc Weiner reappears on monitor, in another guise)

SG:

Well, hello there! Joey Deluxe must've sent you.

MW:

Greetings, Space Ghost, and a howdy doody to you too!

SG:

Identify yourself, space man!

MW:

Commander Ozone, Defender of.. the Universe!

SG:

(aside) Joey was right, he's perfect! (to Marc) Commander, have you ever seen my show?

MW:

Oh no... Dear...

SG:

Well, I'd like you to meet Zorak. He'll be your bandleader. Have you ever worked with a mantis?

MW:

No I haven't. Maybe you want to tell me about him.

SG:

He's over there on your left.

MW:

(waves stick) Bad! (waves stick again) Ow! Just hit myself on the head with the stick.

SG:

(laughs) (Hey, I just laughed. That is so brave of me.)

MW:

Uh oh!

SG:

(... so very brave to laugh...)

MW:

I'm havin' a little problem here. (his earphone is falling out, he tries to fix it with the puppet's miniature hand) Wait, wait a minute, I'll get that.

SG:

(... when dying...)

MW:

(his earphone has fallen out) I can't hear you, Space Ghost, we're havin' a, it must be a meteor breakin' us up.

SG:

Never mind that, Commander. Now listen up. After I begin my journey across the river Styx, I still want the name of my show to be Space Ghost Coast to Coast, so you're going to have to change your name to Space Ghost.

MW:

Yeah, but I'm a Commander! Commander Ozone! My real name is Herbert.

SG:

No, Herbert, your name is Space Ghost. Say it with me: Space Ghost.

MW:

(in unison) Space Ghost.

SG:

Congratulations, son, you've got the job. I know you'll make me proud.

MW:

Thank you, Space Ghost.

SG:

No, thank YOU, Space Ghost. (Marc fades from monitor)

Z:

So, you're really dyin', huh?

SG:

Yup, can you believe it?

Zorak & Moltar (Z&M):

No.

SG:

That's cold, not believing a dying man. (coughs twice unconvincingly again)

Z:

Yeah, well, we've got a doctor here to give you a second opinion.

SG:

You do?

Z:

Sure do.

SG:

A doctor.

Z:

That's right, sweetie.

SG:

Hm. Well, I have no problem with that. A real doctor?

Z:

Yep.

SG:

Well, I have no problem with that, send him in.

(Drew Pinsky appears on monitor)

SG:

Greetings, Doctor.

Drew Pinsky (DP):

Greetings.

SG:

They say I have a terminal illness.

DP:

And who, who told you you have that?

SG:

A doctor.

DP:

Are you a ghost?

SG:

I'm Space Ghost.

DP:

But I mean, are you a phantom or are you a ghost?

SG:

I'm Space Ghost. Should I take my clothes off?

DP:

Well, I'm, I, if we're going to...

SG:

Because I don't mind getting a thorough examination.

DP:

What was the, what was the problem again?

SG:

Dying, illness, impending death.

DP:

But, does the illness have a name?

SG:

They didn't specify. So, do I take my clothes off yet?

DP:

Let me, let me keep going with the history before we get on with the taking, taking the clothes off part.

SG:

Right. Sometimes it hurts when I sit down. Is that bad?

DP:

I, I'm ... Can we talk about something else?

SG:

I swallowed a bolt once, is that bad?

DP:

A what?

SG:

A bolt.

DP:

Really. Is that part of the, you know, nutrients spectrum for Space Ghost.

SG:

No, dummy, it's metal. Who eats metal?

DP:

Okay. And, do you have parents?

SG:

Who doesn't?

DP:

Do they have medical problems? Are they still alive?

SG:

Right.

DP:

Ah. (pause) Space Ghost, you're not a very good historian.

SG:

Right, so I should take my clothes off.

DP:

(trying to keep a straight face) Alright.

SG:

Or I should wait.

DP:

Do you have a cardiovascular system?

SG:

What is this, Eleven Questions? Yes, of course I have a vardiocascular system!

DP:

Does it resemble the humanoid system?

SG:

Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.

DP:

What does it pump around, by the way, if not blood?

SG:

Oh, you know. Juices and such.

DP:

Okay. And is there a digestive system?

SG:

Most definitely.

DP:

Oh. Yours is having problems?

SG:

It is? Well, that seems to be the problem then.

DP:

Ah. That, that's where the disease is, in the digestive system.

SG:

Well, it's gotta be, right? Where else could it be?

DP:

Uh, I'll take your word for it.

SG:

You're the doctor.

DP:

Yes, absolutely.

SG:

Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.

DP:

Um, given that you would not do this as a ratings ploy, and I genuinely believe your sincerity, let's say death is imminent.

(Zorak and Way-outs start playing upbeat Dixieland jazz music again)

SG:

(blasts Zorak with his destructo ray)

DP:

I, I hope you're gonna be, uh, okay with the news.

SG:

Oh, I'll get by. (monitor raises to ceiling) Somehow. (alarm clock bell sound) Well, it's.. time for me to die. (gets up and walks in front of desk) Ah. (falls down)

(Camera slowly zooms in on fallen Space Ghost, with eyes closed. Ethereal sound in background slowly swells. After a long time...)

SG:

(still lying on the floor) (opens his eyes) Huh. This isn't so bad.

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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