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Waiting

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar in the commissary)

Space Ghost (SG):

Boys, this is it: I'm in love.

Moltar (M):

With us?

SG:

No, with Merrill. (slurps coffee) I'm not sure if I remember how to behave around women of the opposite sex. Questions, comments?

Zorak (Z):

(blinks)

M:

Oh, uh, take your shirt off.

Z:

(giggles) Yeah, take your shirt off and chase her around. (Zorak and Moltar snicker)

SG:

I can see I'll need to bring in an expert. Moltar, book Lee Majors.

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos in to set) Greeting! I'm Space Ghost. Zorak, you've got something on your face. Oh, it's your nose! (laughs to himself) Moltar, you also have something on your face. Oh, it's your breathing recepticle! (laughs) (invisos to desk) I'm playful because I'm so deeply in love. My guests tonight include the ravishing radiant and most resplendant lady ever to grace this desperate lonely hovel, writer Merrill Markoe. As well as Hollywood's leading love authority Lee Majors. (looks at his card) Moltar, we can't have Lee Majors in here pawing my precious Merrill. What were you thinking?

M:

We can't get him anyway. How about Adam Carolla?

SG:

Um, Hollywood's leading love authority, Adam Carolla. Zorak, play me to the desk.

Z:

You're already at the desk.

SG:

Oh yeah. I must be crazed with desire. Moltar, bring in my first desk.

Z:

This woman, she means a lot to you, huh?

SG:

Yeah, Zorak. I'm the happiest I've been since my action series days. She... completes me.

Z:

Interesting.

SG:

Why is that interesting?

(Monitor lowers with Adam Carolla)

Adam Carolla (AC):

Space Ghost!

SG:

Greetings, Adam! How ya doin'?

AC:

I'm well, thank you.

SG:

And, thank you for agreeing to help me get some advice for my rendezvous with Merrill.

AC:

Well, it is part of my job, y'know.

SG:

Yeah right. Adam, love is the universal language, and seeing as I'm not from your universe, I need your help. Will my relationship with Merrill suffer because of our differing gravitational backgrounds?

AC:

No, uh, although I don't believe your refractory period is quite as long in the absence of gravity.

SG:

Refractory period...

AC:

I believe even superheroes have refractory periods, don't they?

SG:

Mm. (flies off to control room)

(in control room, Moltar watches a computer generated program of himself and Space Ghost on his monitor)

M:

(laughing at program)

SG:

Is she here yet?

M:

Nope. (continues laughing)

SG:

What's a refractory period?

M:

(perturbed) I'll show ya later.

(In the studio)

SG:

(bounds back to desk) Maybe you should explain what you're talking about to some of our less sophisticated viewers.

AC:

Well, that is the time between hugging your partner...

SG:

You know, Adam, I can hug all night.

AC:

Although I never see you with any women.

SG:

What do you mean? Women are all over me like proton shields on the lost city of Guf.

AC:

But yet you go home from the studio each night alone.

SG:

I have my puzzles.

AC:

But you can't squeeze puzzles.

SG:

You could squeeze puzzles.

AC:

Yeah, but the covered bridge you just made would break and go into a million pieces, and you'd have to rebuild it again, on your lonely kitchen table.

SG:

Not if you laminate 'em.

(In control room, Merrill is on Moltar's monitor)

Merrill Markoe (MM):

You know what, Moltar, I would like to say that I know, not only do I know Letterman, you know, I know Jay Leno. And I would recommend that if you will allow me to intercede on your behalf, I can try and get you a job with Jay Leno.

M:

Would I be allowed to bring my oily directing rags?

MM:

Oh, absolutely, you can bring all the flammables you like.

SG:

(in background) Oh, hi Merrill!

M:

Uh oh. (clears his throat) So, yeah, hang on while I go let Space Ghost know that you're here.

SG:

Moltar, why didn't you tell me that Merrill was here?

M:

Merrill's here.

SG:

(angry) Thanks for the update, Geraldo! Now send her in, ya dumb clown, and don't screw it up or you're dead! (cheerful) See you out there, Merrill!

SG:

(bounds back to desk) Okay, Adam, that's all the time we have, thanks for stopping by.

AC:

(pause) You're on the Cartoon Network, right?

SG:

You know, that's really a Moltar question, hang on and I'll transfer you. (blasts Adam off the monitor) (smells his breath) (hmmm, minty or mediciney? oh, i can't tell!) My next guest is a very special lady. (taps cards) She means the planet to me, and we couldn't be happier together. Miss Merrill Markoe!

(Monitor lowers with Merrill)

MM:

(stares at Space Ghost)

SG:

Well, here we are. Together at last.

MM:

(continues staring)

SG:

You... and I. Together at last.

MM:

Ah ha, is this the beginning of the interview?

SG:

You like toast?

MM:

Hm?

SG:

Do you like toast?

MM:

No.

SG:

We have a lot in common. Right, uh, don't we? Y'know, because, uh, because of the toast and all?

MM:

(stares)

SG:

Uh... (pounds his desk four times) Pardon me, Merrill, I think someone's at my door.

MM:

You're, you're gonna take off in the middle of MY interview, and, and answer the door?

SG:

Yup. (flies off)

MM:

(shakes her head, rolls her eyes)

Z:

So, do you come here often?

MM:

I've been on before, you don't recall?

Z:

Oh yes, how could I forget? It must be wonderful to be so talented and yet, so beautiful.

MM:

(smiles, blushing)

Z:

By the way, I love your body... of work.

(In the control room, Adam is on Moltar's monitor)

SG:

Help me, Adam, I ran out of things to talk about.

AC:

Oh.

SG:

I think she may be intimidated by my remarkable physique.

AC:

Uh, women, uh, want, they like a humbler man.

SG:

Humbler, eh?

AC:

Yeah.

SG:

Well, then I shall unleash a firestorm of humility the likes of which this universe has never seen! (flexes his bulk)

(In the studio)

Z:

... and when I'm not making cheese, I spend a lot of my time line-dancing.

MM:

Would you be willing to dance with me?

Z:

Oh, you bet.

SG:

(bounds to desk) Merrill...

Z:

Shh! Shh!

SG:

Merrill, have I ever told you about how I'm not amazing?

MM:

You mind if I ask you a personal question?

SG:

Oh, not at all. We should get to know each other better.

MM:

I'm wondering whether or not, are you married?

SG:

Not yet, my pretty pony.

MM:

Hm, interesting.

SG:

Why is that interesting?

MM:

I don't know, I don't know, I don't see any, are there any females on your show at all? I've never seen a female on your show.

SG:

Uh, you're on...

MM:

Besides me, but I mean, in the group that participates in the show, you have that, that...

SG:

Zorak's a woman, aren't you... honey?

Z:

Nope. I'm all man, AND I can prove it. (sound of garments rustling off-camera)

SG:

Sit down, ya crazy broad! (blasts Zorak) (laughs) Women!

MM:

So, you don't have any women at all, on your show?

SG:

What are you getting at?

MM:

Well, it just strikes me as being... you know, very...

SG:

Macho?

MM:

Well, no.

SG:

What then?

Z:

Confused.

SG:

(pounds desk four times again) Pardon me, Merrill, I think someone's at my door. (flies off)

MM:

Aw, geez...

Z:

Merrill, I'm sorry, and I don't know why he's treating you this way. He should be asking you about your new book!

MM:

(holds up her book) "Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love". I bet it's pretty interesting.

Z:

It looks fascinating. Like you, Merrill. (laughs)

MM:

(laughs)

(In the control room)

SG:

Adam, she's slipping through my fingers! What do I do?

AC:

Hmmm...

M:

Beat it, simpleton! (throws lever, Adam disappears)

SG:

Moltar, what are you doing?

M:

You don't need that guy, Space Ghost. I know how women work.

SG:

You do? Tell me!

M:

Okay, now listen up.

(In the studio)

MM:

Do you like dogs? I got, I, I need to know. I mean, if we're gonna, you know, spend time together, I need to know if you like dogs.

Z:

Do I like dogs?! I love dogs! Why, do you have a dog?

MM:

My dog Louis. (shows picture)

Z:

Oh, he's darling!

MM:

My dog Tex. (shows another picture)

Z:

Oh, he's a big boy!

(In the control room)

M:

Be a man, Space Ghost!

SG:

You're right, you're right...

M:

Of course I'm right! Now get out there and show me something!

(In the studio)

MM:

Winky. (shows another picture)

Z:

Hey, Winky! What about Bo?

MM:

That's right, I don't have a picture of Bo. Do you know Bo?

Z:

I know all about you, Merrill.

SG:

(bounds to desk) Hey woman, my dinner ready yet? No? Well then, go iron my jeans!

MM:

I think you're starting to offend me now.

SG:

This is how we men are, Merrill, so get used to it!

MM:

Are you kind of simple-minded?

SG:

Huh?

MM:

You are about the most annoying talk show host I've ever dealt with, and I've dealt with them all.

SG:

Oh, yeah? Well, you're the guest who was a whole lot funnier the last time she was on!

MM:

And how do you expect me to keep up any kind of energy or mood or anything with you being that rude?

SG:

But I'm supposed to be rude! I'm your lover!

MM:

And now you're telling me I'm not funny. You're telling me I was funnier before?

SG:

Hey...

MM:

And I'm not as funny now.

SG:

Hey...

MM:

What do you want from me?

SG:

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey HEY!

MM:

Well?

SG:

Come over here and give me a kiss.

MM:

Hm?

SG:

Plant one on me. You know you want to.

MM:

Oh, don't you start. Don't you even try.

SG:

Yeah, right. Now come on!

MM:

I would find that...

SG:

Delightful?

MM:

... dangerous and repellant. Don't, don't mess with me that way.

SG:

Here, I'll make it easy for ya. (scoots up close to monitor, makes kissing noises)

MM:

Listen, I think, uh, I, I didn't come here to be insulted by you. And, what do you want from me?

SG:

How about a foot rub?

MM:

I'm never coming on this show again.

SG:

Aaaagh! Moltar! (flies off)

MM:

I don't even care what planet this is. You'll never see me again.

(In the control room)

SG:

Where's Adam, you dolt? I need some good advice!

M:

It's too late for that. Check this out. (throws lever; monitor shows Zorak and merrill together)

SG:

(gasps) Zorak!

Z:

(whispers to merrill's monitor)

MM:

Now that you mention it, it is appealing in sort of a dangerous way, yeah. I would, I would like that. Do you mean it, in, in an affectionate way?

Z:

(whispers some more)

MM:

Mmm...

SG:

(bounds to desk) What in Gordon's seed is going on in here? Zorak! (aims power bands at Zorak)

Z:

Oh! (jumps away from monitor)

(Space Ghost blasts merrill on monitor; she makes funny looping noises, then falls forward)

SG:

(gasps) No!

Z:

(evil laugh)

SG:

My pretty pony! Why, Zorak, why? You could have had any woman you wanted! But you chose the woman I love almost as much as I love myself! You ruined my life, you ruined her life, and now, I'm going to ruin your life!!! (blasts Zorak; freeze frame just as blast touches Zorak)

(Talk Soup music)

John Henson (JH):

Never a dull moment on Coast to Coast. Next week join Spacey and friends as they welcome the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Think they're gonna need a bigger monitor. Right now, let's meet a disgruntled employee who earned a little OT by making the boss's wife scream "oh, me!" Ladies and gentlemen, pre-ops and post-ops, (drum roll) introducing our Talk Soup Clip of the Week!

(Zorak seated on Jenny Springer set; crowd jeering noises in background) (screen caption: Jenny Springer - "You Ruined My Life, You Ruined Her Life, Now I'M Going To Ruin Your Life!")

Z:

I didn't even like her. I just wanted to ruin Space Ghost's life.

(Space Ghost flies across stage and smashes Zorak; they fight off camera as credits roll)

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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