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Waiting

(Television set, with "The Warren Show" title screen)

Announcer (A):

(intro music) And now back to "The Warren Show".

(Shot of Space Ghost's apartment, with Moltar and Zorak)

Space Ghost (SG):

Ooh, I love Warren!

Warren (W):

Tell us, Space, what are your superpowers?

Gary Owens (GO):

(as Space Ghost) I developed a few of my own, I, for example, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings, I also have x-ray vision, and I can make change for a dollar.

Moltar (M):

(laughs)

Zorak (Z):

(laughs)

GO:

Thank you.

SG:

Wait a minute! I don't remember...

GO:

I can also bend my thumb, by the way.

SG:

I've never been on "Warren"! That guy's a replicant!

GO:

I can bend a spoon with my mind, but it has to be a plastic spoon. (TV laughter)

M:

Whoa!

M:

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

GO:

I can't do the real spoon. (TV applause)

SG:

This is such bull! (blasts TV set) I am super-unsatisfied to be replicated in this way! Super-unsatisfied! I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!

Z:

Pick me up a hitch-hiker, would'ya?

SG:

You're coming with us, Zorak. We'll go see Warren, then we'll swing by the department store and get you some new slacks.

Z:

And a hitch-hiker?

SG:

We'll see.

M:

Shotgun!

Z:

(slightly behind Moltar) Shotgun!

M:

Yes!

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space)

Z:

(hitting Moltar's seat from behind) (clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

(mocking) "I have x-ray vision and I can make change for a dollar!"

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

I could make change for five dollars if I had to.

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Quit it!

(Cruiser approaches planetoid)

M:

Is this it?

Z:

(clank!)

M:

QUIT IT!

SG:

Yup, it's just like I remember it. Oh, look, they put in a Mr. Winters over there. You see, boys, Warren was my mentor. He was the wind beneath my cape. I learned so much that summer. Perhaps... too much. (sound of brakes) L-let's go back. (shifts into reverse, Phantom Cruiser backs up) What am I doing? (brakes) I love Warren! I need to see him. (shifts gears, goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But I've been replicated. (goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But, I have been replicated. (grinds gears) (goes forward again)

(The Cruiser finally lands; the hatch opens, Space Ghost emerges, to dramatic music)

SG:

(goes back inside) They were closed.

Z:

I wanna see!

SG:

There's nothing to see. Now, who wants new slacks?

Z:

I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!

M:

Yeah! We wanna see Warren!

SG:

(sighs) All right.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar leave the ship and enter a cave)

Monitor (M):

Welcome Space Ghost. Warren is expecting you.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's power bands disappear)

SG:

My power bands!

M:

You know the rules. No weapons.

Z:

Hey. You live here?

M:

Oh, I see you brought your mantis.

M:

(clears throat)

M:

And the fireman. How lucky.

Z:

Where's the tub? Can I have this? (sound of glass breaking) Uh, that was broke already.

SG:

Zorak...

Z:

Someone boiling vinegar?

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

What?

SG:

Shut your beak.

Z:

Before you... close it with medical sutures?

SG:

No, before I seal it using a powerful space-age adhesive, which I keep in my fanny pack.

M:

You know the rules. No fanny packs.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's fanny pack disappears)

SG:

My breakfast bars!

M:

Ladies and gentlemen of the arena, I give you... Warren.

(Warren rolls out, looking very much like a potted plant)

SG:

Well, it's been a long time.

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Warren, I've been replicated, man!

W:

Hmph. Do I know you?

SG:

You tell me, pal.

W:

No, I don't know you.

SG:

Warren, you had me on your show last night. But I wasn't on your show last night! I was right there in my living room, watching you having me on your show.

Z:

Nice bush.

W:

Ah, that's funny, mantis. Funny bugs like you, talkin' like that in my castle, end up, lookin' for their teeth, two blocks away, on Quinn Street.

SG:

Zorak, let me handle this, please.

Z:

Nice... bush.

W:

Listen! I can burn you, like the crazy world of Arthur Brown.

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

Nice... bush.

(Warren zaps Zorak with a destructo ray)

W:

We're both green, aren't we, Zorak? But I got rays, don't I!? Don't I? Don't I?

M:

You better answer him.

W:

Don't I, Zorak?

Z:

Ah, go fertilize yourself.

W:

(zaps Zorak again several times)

SG:

Warren, I've come many miles...

W:

(zaps Zorak again)

SG:

... to set myself before you today to find out why you've betrayed our sacred covenant.

W:

Do what now?

SG:

Who was that you had on your show, because it wasn't me.

W:

Aw, yeah. (chuckles) That was just Gary.

SG:

Gary, huh?

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Ga-ry.

W:

Yeah. (chuckles)

SG:

Garrrrrrry.

W:

Yep.

SG:

Are you tryin' to shuck me?

W:

Listen to me! Over there in the corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron. Conjure up Gary and he will appear before you. He knows the answers, to the questions that vex you so. Now I must adjourn, to my sunny spot, ah! (starts to roll away)

SG:

Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a cauldron! Warren, wait!

M:

He seemed like a good enough guy.

Z:

Yeah, very personable.

SG:

Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.

(Zorak, Space Ghost and Moltar are holding hands in front of a steaming cauldron)

SG:

Gary... Om... (wolf howls in background) Hey, you guys have to do it too, or it won't work.

Z:

Oh.

SG:

Om...

Z:

Om...

M:

Gary... Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Om... Om...

Z:

Gary... Gary...

M:

Gary...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Gary...

SG:

Om...

M:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

M:

Om... Gary...

SG:

Okay.

Z:

Om...

SG:

Got it.

Z:

Om...

SG:

We're good. We got it.

GO:

(in cauldron, as Space Ghost) (laughs) Thank you.

SG:

It's him!

M:

Whoa!

Z:

It's Space Ghost!

GO:

It is indeed.

SG:

It is not indeed! Do you know who I am? Gary? Take a good look. I'm Space Ghost!

GO:

(coughs) You're what?

SG:

That's right, Gary. I'm the real Space Ghost.

GO:

So am I.

SG:

No, see, I'm the one who flew around the galaxy saving planets, not you! Where do you get off being me?

GO:

Uh, in the early days, back when, uh, when Space Ghost was first born, they let me play Space Ghost. And that was what, what a thrill.

SG:

Uh, who's "they"?

GO:

Mr. Joe Barbera, and Mr. Fred Silverman, gentlemen who chose me to play you.

SG:

Nobody plays me, Jack! I play me.

M:

Hey Gary, who played me?

GO:

Moltar? Moltar, I have a picture of you. I have a picture of Zorak over there, when he was just a mild mutant.

Z:

Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?

GO:

Oh, yes. It was, what wonder days.

M:

Gary? Can you come home with us, and... be our new dad?

SG:

Now, wait just a second! Can't you see? Are ya all blind? Moltar! Zorak! This is all just some demented mind trick brought on by Warren!

GO:

I still have got the inviso-belt, I've got that in the trunk of the car right now.

SG:

Listen up, you deluded old freak. Don't make me use my power bands on you.

M:

Space Ghost, uh... you don't have your power bands.

SG:

Stay out of this, Moltar. The time has come for me to put a lid on this cosmic crackpot.

GO:

This looks like real trouble. Hand me that veeblefetzer.

Z:

Here ya go, buddy. (hands Gary a blast rifle)

SG:

You're counting on hitting me with that veeblefetzer, aren't you?

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

Because then you will become me, right.

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you hadn't counted on, Gary. This set of auxiliary power bands, that I had hidden in my space cavity. Prepare for one of my harmful rays. (adjusts his power bands) Hold on a second. (bands make electronic noises; Space Ghost adjusts bands again) (quietly) You're gonna regret having messed with me. (presses button, but no ray, just a clunking sound) Turning it on. (makes sound like electronic flash charging) (quietly) Prepare... for one of my... harmful rays.

GO:

(as Gary) Hey, sock it to me!

SG:

Pucker up, Gary! (blasts Gary, whose hand is over his ear a la "Laugh-In") (smoke clears) Moltar, haul that to the Phantom Cruiser.

W:

(slides into view) No!! You've destroyed my creation!

SG:

Warren, you used that greasy replicant to lure me back here, didn't you?

W:

Yeah, you know it.

SG:

But why, Warren?

W:

Well... (laughs) (dramatic sting music) Never mind why. The past is just the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll cradle you.

M:

(walks toward Warren)

W:

(to Moltar) Not you! (to Space Ghost) You!

SG:

I don't understand, Warren.

W:

Often we fear what we don't understand, Space Ghost. Come closer to me!

SG:

(steps closer to Warren)

W:

(sniffs) Closer!

SG:

(to himself: I must be out of my nut! What am I doing here? And why is Warren smelling me?)

W:

How're ya folks and all them? (edges closer to Space Ghost)

SG:

They're... all... kind of... uh... uh...

W:

Why don't you take your cape off? Ha!

SG:

No... please...

W:

Listen to me! Love and fear are often... the same thing. (sniffs)

SG:

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

W:

Don't thank me. Just... (sniffs) hold me.

SG:

(touches Warren; smiles)

W:

Mmmmm! Prime rib!

SG:

Wait, wait a second...

(TV shows static and "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" theme music; static gives way to Warren at Space Ghost's desk)

W:

(on TV) Greetings citizens!

SG:

Hey, what the...

W:

I'm Warren! Is everybody gettin' enough carbon dioxide?

(Dramatic sting music, zoom in to Space Ghost's face)

SG:

Aha! That's why you brought me here! So you could steal my show! But you already have a show! Why, Warren, why?

W:

Well, you know, uh... (laughs) I just felt like it.

SG:

Well, you greedy manipulating yard shrub. I'm not going to let your Warren impostinator steal my show right out from under me (reaches for his power bands)

W:

But Space Ghost... How do you know that I'm not the impostinator?

SG:

Well... you've lost me there, Warren. And now you must pay, you hateful hedge. (blasts Warren)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'. You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'.

SG:

Tell 'em this. (blasts monitor)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tell- (Blam!)

SG:

When you see 'em in Poland.

(Black screen with title: "The End")

(TV in Space Ghost's living room shows "The End" title)

SG:

That was good. What else is on?

(Television set, with "The Warren Show" title screen)

A:

(intro music) And now back to "The Warren Show".

(Shot of Space Ghost's apartment, with Moltar and Zorak)

SG:

Ooh, I love Warren!

W:

Tell us, Space, what are your superpowers?

GO:

(as Space Ghost) I developed a few of my own, I, for example, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings, I also have x-ray vision, and I can make change for a dollar.

M:

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

GO:

Thank you.

SG:

Wait a minute! I don't remember...

GO:

I can also bend my thumb, by the way.

SG:

I've never been on "Warren"! That guy's a replicant!

GO:

I can bend a spoon with my mind, but it has to be a plastic spoon. (TV laughter)

M:

Whoa!

M:

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

GO:

I can't do the real spoon. (TV applause)

SG:

This is such bull! (blasts TV set) I am super-unsatisfied to be replicated in this way! Super-unsatisfied! I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!

Z:

Pick me up a hitch-hiker, would'ya?

SG:

You're coming with us, Zorak. We'll go see Warren, then we'll swing by the department store and get you some new slacks.

Z:

And a hitch-hiker?

SG:

We'll see.

M:

Shotgun!

Z:

(slightly behind Moltar) Shotgun!

M:

Yes!

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space)

Z:

(hitting Moltar's seat from behind) (clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

(mocking) "I have x-ray vision and I can make change for a dollar!"

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

I could make change for five dollars if I had to.

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Quit it!

(Cruiser approaches planetoid)

M:

Is this it?

Z:

(clank!)

M:

QUIT IT!

SG:

Yup, it's just like I remember it. Oh, look, they put in a Mr. Winters over there. You see, boys, Warren was my mentor. He was the wind beneath my cape. I learned so much that summer. Perhaps... too much. (sound of brakes) L-let's go back. (shifts into reverse, Phantom Cruiser backs up) What am I doing? (brakes) I love Warren! I need to see him. (shifts gears, goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But I've been replicated. (goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But, I have been replicated. (grinds gears) (goes forward again)

(The Cruiser finally lands; the hatch opens, Space Ghost emerges, to dramatic music)

SG:

(goes back inside) They were closed.

Z:

I wanna see!

SG:

There's nothing to see. Now, who wants new slacks?

Z:

I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!

M:

Yeah! We wanna see Warren!

SG:

(sighs) All right.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar leave the ship and enter a cave)

M:

Welcome Space Ghost. Warren is expecting you.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's power bands disappear)

SG:

My power bands!

M:

You know the rules. No weapons.

Z:

Hey. You live here?

M:

Oh, I see you brought your mantis.

M:

(clears throat)

M:

And the fireman. How lucky.

Z:

Where's the tub? Can I have this? (sound of glass breaking) Uh, that was broke already.

SG:

Zorak...

Z:

Someone boiling vinegar?

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

What?

SG:

Shut your beak.

Z:

Before you... close it with medical sutures?

SG:

No, before I seal it using a powerful space-age adhesive, which I keep in my fanny pack.

M:

You know the rules. No fanny packs.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's fanny pack disappears)

SG:

My breakfast bars!

M:

Ladies and gentlemen of the arena, I give you... Warren.

(Warren rolls out, looking very much like a potted plant)

SG:

Well, it's been a long time.

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Warren, I've been replicated, man!

W:

Hmph. Do I know you?

SG:

You tell me, pal.

W:

No, I don't know you.

SG:

Warren, you had me on your show last night. But I wasn't on your show last night! I was right there in my living room, watching you having me on your show.

Z:

Nice bush.

W:

Ah, that's funny, mantis. Funny bugs like you, talkin' like that in my castle, end up, lookin' for their teeth, two blocks away, on Quinn Street.

SG:

Zorak, let me handle this, please.

Z:

Nice... bush.

W:

Listen! I can burn you, like the crazy world of Arthur Brown.

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

Nice... bush.

(Warren zaps Zorak with a destructo ray)

W:

We're both green, aren't we, Zorak? But I got rays, don't I!? Don't I? Don't I?

M:

You better answer him.

W:

Don't I, Zorak?

Z:

Ah, go fertilize yourself.

W:

(zaps Zorak again several times)

SG:

Warren, I've come many miles...

W:

(zaps Zorak again)

SG:

... to set myself before you today to find out why you've betrayed our sacred covenant.

W:

Do what now?

SG:

Who was that you had on your show, because it wasn't me.

W:

Aw, yeah. (chuckles) That was just Gary.

SG:

Gary, huh?

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Ga-ry.

W:

Yeah. (chuckles)

SG:

Garrrrrrry.

W:

Yep.

SG:

Are you tryin' to shuck me?

W:

Listen to me! Over there in the corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron. Conjure up Gary and he will appear before you. He knows the answers, to the questions that vex you so. Now I must adjourn, to my sunny spot, ah! (starts to roll away)

SG:

Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a cauldron! Warren, wait!

M:

He seemed like a good enough guy.

Z:

Yeah, very personable.

SG:

Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.

(Zorak, Space Ghost and Moltar are holding hands in front of a steaming cauldron)

SG:

Gary... Om... (wolf howls in background) Hey, you guys have to do it too, or it won't work.

Z:

Oh.

SG:

Om...

Z:

Om...

M:

Gary... Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Om... Om...

Z:

Gary... Gary...

M:

Gary...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Gary...

SG:

Om...

M:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

M:

Om... Gary...

SG:

Okay.

Z:

Om...

SG:

Got it.

Z:

Om...

SG:

We're good. We got it.

GO:

(in cauldron, as Space Ghost) (laughs) Thank you.

SG:

It's him!

M:

Whoa!

Z:

It's Space Ghost!

GO:

It is indeed.

SG:

It is not indeed! Do you know who I am? Gary? Take a good look. I'm Space Ghost!

GO:

(coughs) You're what?

SG:

That's right, Gary. I'm the real Space Ghost.

GO:

So am I.

SG:

No, see, I'm the one who flew around the galaxy saving planets, not you! Where do you get off being me?

GO:

Uh, in the early days, back when, uh, when Space Ghost was first born, they let me play Space Ghost. And that was what, what a thrill.

SG:

Uh, who's "they"?

GO:

Mr. Joe Barbera, and Mr. Fred Silverman, gentlemen who chose me to play you.

SG:

Nobody plays me, Jack! I play me.

M:

Hey Gary, who played me?

GO:

Moltar? Moltar, I have a picture of you. I have a picture of Zorak over there, when he was just a mild mutant.

Z:

Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?

GO:

Oh, yes. It was, what wonder days.

M:

Gary? Can you come home with us, and... be our new dad?

SG:

Now, wait just a second! Can't you see? Are ya all blind? Moltar! Zorak! This is all just some demented mind trick brought on by Warren!

GO:

I still have got the inviso-belt, I've got that in the trunk of the car right now.

SG:

Listen up, you deluded old freak. Don't make me use my power bands on you.

M:

Space Ghost, uh... you don't have your power bands.

SG:

Stay out of this, Moltar. The time has come for me to put a lid on this cosmic crackpot.

GO:

This looks like real trouble. Hand me that veeblefetzer.

Z:

Here ya go, buddy. (hands Gary a blast rifle)

SG:

You're counting on hitting me with that veeblefetzer, aren't you?

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

Because then you will become me, right.

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you hadn't counted on, Gary. This set of auxiliary power bands, that I had hidden in my space cavity. Prepare for one of my harmful rays. (adjusts his power bands) Hold on a second. (bands make electronic noises; Space Ghost adjusts bands again) (quietly) You're gonna regret having messed with me. (presses button, but no ray, just a clunking sound) Turning it on. (makes sound like electronic flash charging) (quietly) Prepare... for one of my... harmful rays.

GO:

(as Gary) Hey, sock it to me!

SG:

Pucker up, Gary! (blasts Gary, whose hand is over his ear a la "Laugh-In") (smoke clears) Moltar, haul that to the Phantom Cruiser.

W:

(slides into view) No!! You've destroyed my creation!

SG:

Warren, you used that greasy replicant to lure me back here, didn't you?

W:

Yeah, you know it.

SG:

But why, Warren?

W:

Well... (laughs) (dramatic sting music) Never mind why. The past is just the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll cradle you.

M:

(walks toward Warren)

W:

(to Moltar) Not you! (to Space Ghost) You!

SG:

I don't understand, Warren.

W:

Often we fear what we don't understand, Space Ghost. Come closer to me!

SG:

(steps closer to Warren)

W:

(sniffs) Closer!

SG:

(to himself: I must be out of my nut! What am I doing here? And why is Warren smelling me?)

W:

How're ya folks and all them? (edges closer to Space Ghost)

SG:

They're... all... kind of... uh... uh...

W:

Why don't you take your cape off? Ha!

SG:

No... please...

W:

Listen to me! Love and fear are often... the same thing. (sniffs)

SG:

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

W:

Don't thank me. Just... (sniffs) hold me.

SG:

(touches Warren; smiles)

W:

Mmmmm! Prime rib!

SG:

Wait, wait a second...

(TV shows static and "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" theme music; static gives way to Warren at Space Ghost's desk)

W:

(on TV) Greetings citizens!

SG:

Hey, what the...

W:

I'm Warren! Is everybody gettin' enough carbon dioxide?

(Dramatic sting music, zoom in to Space Ghost's face)

SG:

Aha! That's why you brought me here! So you could steal my show! But you already have a show! Why, Warren, why?

W:

Well, you know, uh... (laughs) I just felt like it.

SG:

Well, you greedy manipulating yard shrub. I'm not going to let your Warren impostinator steal my show right out from under me (reaches for his power bands)

W:

But Space Ghost... How do you know that I'm not the impostinator?

SG:

Well... you've lost me there, Warren. And now you must pay, you hateful hedge. (blasts Warren)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'. You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'.

SG:

Tell 'em this. (blasts monitor)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tell- (Blam!)

SG:

When you see 'em in Pelham.

(Black screen with title: "The End")

(TV in Space Ghost's living room shows "The End" title)

SG:

That was good. What else is on?

(Television set, with "The Warren Show" title screen)

A:

(intro music) And now back to "The Warren Show".

(Shot of Space Ghost's apartment, with Moltar and Zorak)

SG:

Ooh, I love Warren!

W:

Tell us, Space, what are your superpowers?

GO:

(as Space Ghost) I developed a few of my own, I, for example, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings, I also have x-ray vision, and I can make change for a dollar.

M:

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

GO:

Thank you.

SG:

Wait a minute! I don't remember...

GO:

I can also bend my thumb, by the way.

SG:

I've never been on "Warren"! That guy's a replicant!

GO:

I can bend a spoon with my mind, but it has to be a plastic spoon. (TV laughter)

M:

Whoa!

M:

(laughs)

Z:

(laughs)

GO:

I can't do the real spoon. (TV applause)

SG:

This is such bull! (blasts TV set) I am super-unsatisfied to be replicated in this way! Super-unsatisfied! I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride!

Z:

Pick me up a hitch-hiker, would'ya?

SG:

You're coming with us, Zorak. We'll go see Warren, then we'll swing by the department store and get you some new slacks.

Z:

And a hitch-hiker?

SG:

We'll see.

M:

Shotgun!

Z:

(slightly behind Moltar) Shotgun!

M:

Yes!

(Phantom Cruiser flies through space)

Z:

(hitting Moltar's seat from behind) (clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

(mocking) "I have x-ray vision and I can make change for a dollar!"

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

SG:

I could make change for five dollars if I had to.

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Stop it!

Z:

(clank!)

M:

Quit it!

(Cruiser approaches planetoid)

M:

Is this it?

Z:

(clank!)

M:

QUIT IT!

SG:

Yup, it's just like I remember it. Oh, look, they put in a Mr. Winters over there. You see, boys, Warren was my mentor. He was the wind beneath my cape. I learned so much that summer. Perhaps... too much. (sound of brakes) L-let's go back. (shifts into reverse, Phantom Cruiser backs up) What am I doing? (brakes) I love Warren! I need to see him. (shifts gears, goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But I've been replicated. (goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But, I have been replicated. (grinds gears) (goes forward again)

(The Cruiser finally lands; the hatch opens, Space Ghost emerges, to dramatic music)

SG:

(goes back inside) They were closed.

Z:

I wanna see!

SG:

There's nothing to see. Now, who wants new slacks?

Z:

I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does!

M:

Yeah! We wanna see Warren!

SG:

(sighs) All right.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar leave the ship and enter a cave)

M:

Welcome Space Ghost. Warren is expecting you.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's power bands disappear)

SG:

My power bands!

M:

You know the rules. No weapons.

Z:

Hey. You live here?

M:

Oh, I see you brought your mantis.

M:

(clears throat)

M:

And the fireman. How lucky.

Z:

Where's the tub? Can I have this? (sound of glass breaking) Uh, that was broke already.

SG:

Zorak...

Z:

Someone boiling vinegar?

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

What?

SG:

Shut your beak.

Z:

Before you... close it with medical sutures?

SG:

No, before I seal it using a powerful space-age adhesive, which I keep in my fanny pack.

M:

You know the rules. No fanny packs.

(Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's fanny pack disappears)

SG:

My breakfast bars!

M:

Ladies and gentlemen of the arena, I give you... Warren.

(Warren rolls out, looking very much like a potted plant)

SG:

Well, it's been a long time.

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Warren, I've been replicated, man!

W:

Hmph. Do I know you?

SG:

You tell me, pal.

W:

No, I don't know you.

SG:

Warren, you had me on your show last night. But I wasn't on your show last night! I was right there in my living room, watching you having me on your show.

Z:

Nice bush.

W:

Ah, that's funny, mantis. Funny bugs like you, talkin' like that in my castle, end up, lookin' for their teeth, two blocks away, on Quinn Street.

SG:

Zorak, let me handle this, please.

Z:

Nice... bush.

W:

Listen! I can burn you, like the crazy world of Arthur Brown.

SG:

Zorak!

Z:

Nice... bush.

(Warren zaps Zorak with a destructo ray)

W:

We're both green, aren't we, Zorak? But I got rays, don't I!? Don't I? Don't I?

M:

You better answer him.

W:

Don't I, Zorak?

Z:

Ah, go fertilize yourself.

W:

(zaps Zorak again several times)

SG:

Warren, I've come many miles...

W:

(zaps Zorak again)

SG:

... to set myself before you today to find out why you've betrayed our sacred covenant.

W:

Do what now?

SG:

Who was that you had on your show, because it wasn't me.

W:

Aw, yeah. (chuckles) That was just Gary.

SG:

Gary, huh?

W:

Yeah.

SG:

Ga-ry.

W:

Yeah. (chuckles)

SG:

Garrrrrrry.

W:

Yep.

SG:

Are you tryin' to shuck me?

W:

Listen to me! Over there in the corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron. Conjure up Gary and he will appear before you. He knows the answers, to the questions that vex you so. Now I must adjourn, to my sunny spot, ah! (starts to roll away)

SG:

Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a cauldron! Warren, wait!

M:

He seemed like a good enough guy.

Z:

Yeah, very personable.

SG:

Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker.

(Zorak, Space Ghost and Moltar are holding hands in front of a steaming cauldron)

SG:

Gary... Om... (wolf howls in background) Hey, you guys have to do it too, or it won't work.

Z:

Oh.

SG:

Om...

Z:

Om...

M:

Gary... Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Om... Om...

Z:

Gary... Gary...

M:

Gary...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Gary...

SG:

Om...

M:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

SG:

Gary...

Z:

Om...

M:

Om... Gary...

SG:

Okay.

Z:

Om...

SG:

Got it.

Z:

Om...

SG:

We're good. We got it.

GO:

(in cauldron, as Space Ghost) (laughs) Thank you.

SG:

It's him!

M:

Whoa!

Z:

It's Space Ghost!

GO:

It is indeed.

SG:

It is not indeed! Do you know who I am? Gary? Take a good look. I'm Space Ghost!

GO:

(coughs) You're what?

SG:

That's right, Gary. I'm the real Space Ghost.

GO:

So am I.

SG:

No, see, I'm the one who flew around the galaxy saving planets, not you! Where do you get off being me?

GO:

Uh, in the early days, back when, uh, when Space Ghost was first born, they let me play Space Ghost. And that was what, what a thrill.

SG:

Uh, who's "they"?

GO:

Mr. Joe Barbera, and Mr. Fred Silverman, gentlemen who chose me to play you.

SG:

Nobody plays me, Jack! I play me.

M:

Hey Gary, who played me?

GO:

Moltar? Moltar, I have a picture of you. I have a picture of Zorak over there, when he was just a mild mutant.

Z:

Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock?

GO:

Oh, yes. It was, what wonder days.

M:

Gary? Can you come home with us, and... be our new dad?

SG:

Now, wait just a second! Can't you see? Are ya all blind? Moltar! Zorak! This is all just some demented mind trick brought on by Warren!

GO:

I still have got the inviso-belt, I've got that in the trunk of the car right now.

SG:

Listen up, you deluded old freak. Don't make me use my power bands on you.

M:

Space Ghost, uh... you don't have your power bands.

SG:

Stay out of this, Moltar. The time has come for me to put a lid on this cosmic crackpot.

GO:

This looks like real trouble. Hand me that veeblefetzer.

Z:

Here ya go, buddy. (hands Gary a blast rifle)

SG:

You're counting on hitting me with that veeblefetzer, aren't you?

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

Because then you will become me, right.

GO:

Oh, yes, yes.

SG:

That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you hadn't counted on, Gary. This set of auxiliary power bands, that I had hidden in my space cavity. Prepare for one of my harmful rays. (adjusts his power bands) Hold on a second. (bands make electronic noises; Space Ghost adjusts bands again) (quietly) You're gonna regret having messed with me. (presses button, but no ray, just a clunking sound) Turning it on. (makes sound like electronic flash charging) (quietly) Prepare... for one of my... harmful rays.

GO:

(as Gary) Hey, sock it to me!

SG:

Pucker up, Gary! (blasts Gary, whose hand is over his ear a la "Laugh-In") (smoke clears) Moltar, haul that to the Phantom Cruiser.

W:

(slides into view) No!! You've destroyed my creation!

SG:

Warren, you used that greasy replicant to lure me back here, didn't you?

W:

Yeah, you know it.

SG:

But why, Warren?

W:

Well... (laughs) (dramatic sting music) Never mind why. The past is just the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll cradle you.

M:

(walks toward Warren)

W:

(to Moltar) Not you! (to Space Ghost) You!

SG:

I don't understand, Warren.

W:

Often we fear what we don't understand, Space Ghost. Come closer to me!

SG:

(steps closer to Warren)

W:

(sniffs) Closer!

SG:

(to himself: I must be out of my nut! What am I doing here? And why is Warren smelling me?)

W:

How're ya folks and all them? (edges closer to Space Ghost)

SG:

They're... all... kind of... uh... uh...

W:

Why don't you take your cape off? Ha!

SG:

No... please...

W:

Listen to me! Love and fear are often... the same thing. (sniffs)

SG:

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

W:

Don't thank me. Just... (sniffs) hold me.

SG:

(touches Warren; smiles)

W:

Mmmmm! Prime rib!

SG:

Wait, wait a second...

(TV shows static and "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" theme music; static gives way to Warren at Space Ghost's desk)

W:

(on TV) Greetings citizens!

SG:

Hey, what the...

W:

I'm Warren! Is everybody gettin' enough carbon dioxide?

(Dramatic sting music, zoom in to Space Ghost's face)

SG:

Aha! That's why you brought me here! So you could steal my show! But you already have a show! Why, Warren, why?

W:

Well, you know, uh... (laughs) I just felt like it.

SG:

Well, you greedy manipulating yard shrub. I'm not going to let your Warren impostinator steal my show right out from under me (reaches for his power bands)

W:

But Space Ghost... How do you know that I'm not the impostinator?

SG:

Well... you've lost me there, Warren. And now you must pay, you hateful hedge. (blasts Warren)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'. You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'.

SG:

Tell 'em this. (blasts monitor)

M:

You've destroyed Warren. I'm tell- (Blam!)

SG:

When you see 'em in Conyers.

(Black screen with title: "The End")

(TV in Space Ghost's living room shows "The End" title)

SG:

That was good. What else is on?

(Credits roll)

W:

Ha!

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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