Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next

Title:Rio Ghosto
Original Air Date:September 17, 1998
Guest Stars:Ben Stiller, Kevin Smith, Jim Jarmusch

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed


(Opening screen with Ghost Planet, titled "Last Saturday". Transition to Space Ghost's lab, with sign reading "Do Not Enter, House of Pain Cakes". Space Ghost types on a mechanical typewriter as he speaks)

Space Ghost: Scene one, office, day. Mr. White says, "I will stop you." (carriage return) And Mr. Black says, "You won't stop me." (CARRIAGE RETURN) Mr. White says, "Yes, I will stop you." I read that wrong: "Yes, I WILL stop you!" (CARRIAGE RETURN) (PAUSE) Hmm. (PAUSE) Robotic space worm enters, destroys city, The End. (carriage return) (pause) Or is it? (carriage return)

(Opening theme & titles)

Space Ghost: (invisos to set) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost, architect of the future. Welcome to the show. (waves) So, how was your weekend, Zorak?

Zorak: I, uh, I did some volunteer work over at the orphanage.

Space Ghost: Well, I was... (does a double take) Yeah. Well, I was finishing up my screen play, and it's brilliant. Brilliant! Now play me to the Desk.

(Zorak and Way-outs play)

Space Ghost: (invisos to desk) Some of my director pals are dropping by the studio tonight, and if one of 'em plays his cards right, I'll affix him to my movie.

Zorak: You don't know any directors.

Space Ghost: Sure I do. Moltar's a director, aren't you, Moltar?

Moltar: Yeah, check it out. (throws lever, title card reading "A Moltar Film" scrolls up onto screen, with fanfare music) Ta da. (title card stays in middle of screen)

Space Ghost: See, Zorak?

Moltar: Hey Space Ghost, why doncha let me direct your movie?

Space Ghost: Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. (laughs) That's very thoughtful of you. But your specialty is cartoons.

Moltar: So?

Space Ghost: So cartoon's are kid's stuff. I need someone with real adult film experience. I'm sure you understand.

Moltar: Oh, I do.

Space Ghost: And, would you lose the title card. We're not doing "Three's Company" here.

Moltar: Sure. (throws lever, title card disappears and trap door opens under Space Ghost's chair)

Space Ghost: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Zorak: (evil laughter)

Moltar: (evil laughter)

Space Ghost: (thud) (far away voice) Moltar, see me after the show.

Moltar: (laughs)

(Monitor lowers from ceiling with Ben Stiller. Space Ghost's desk is still empty. smaller "A Moltar Film" title card appears in lower left corner)

Zorak: (turns and glares at Ben)

Ben Stiller: It's a pleasure to be here.

Zorak: Who are you?

Ben Stiller: (looks around) Um, I'm Ben Stiller.

Zorak: Is that a wig?

Space Ghost: (groaning sounds, climbs up through trap door and into his chair)

Zorak: It sure looks like a wig.

Space Ghost: Sorry about that, Ben. Can we get you anything?

Ben Stiller: I probably could use some coffee.

Space Ghost: Yeah. (creaking sound in background) Coffee would be good.

Ben Stiller: Um...

Zorak: Psst, Ben?

Ben Stiller: Yeah?

Zorak: You have a kind face.

Ben Stiller: Thank you.

Space Ghost: The kind you would like to do what to, Zorak?

Zorak: The kind I'd like to chew off and spit on and spit up and stomp on...

Ben Stiller: You know what?

Zorak: I'm not finished yet. And slap. And push. And kick. And... push. And... kick.

Ben Stiller: Zorak, I enjoy the, your ribald sense of humor, that you bring to the show.

Zorak: Yeah, I'm ribald.

Ben Stiller: I think you are a necessary evil...

Zorak: Yeah, I'm evil.

Ben Stiller: ... if you will, on this show.

Zorak: Yeah, I will.

Ben Stiller: I think you guys have a great little reparte thing happening.

Space Ghost: Don't mind Zorak, Ben, he's just a squirrel.

Ben Stiller: (laughs) Okay, uh...

Space Ghost: (coughs) Uh oh (laughter in background) (coughs again; more background laughter) Hang on. (sneezes) (enthusiastic applause) Thank you!

Ben Stiller: (holds hands up) Oooo!

Space Ghost: Anyway, I think you should direct my movie!

Ben Stiller: Yeah, "Cable Guy 2", starring Space Ghost. You could be the, uh, kooky guy who comes and hooks up the, uh...

Space Ghost: Let me get with my people, Ben. I'll get back to you on that. Zorak, Moltar, meeting.

(In control room)

Space Ghost: Gentlemen?

Zorak: (flaps lips) Stinks.

Moltar: Pasadena.

(In studio)

Space Ghost: Ben, we love the idea! So, we're gonna pass. Moltar and Zorak, they just don't share our vision.

Ben Stiller: Okay, thank you. Moltar, and Zorak. (laughs)

Space Ghost: Ben, you've been making movies since before you were born. If you could give me any advice about my movie career, what would it be?

Ben Stiller: Um, I would start out with comedy, like you're doing.

Space Ghost: (writing franticly) Start... out... with... okay, start out with comedy, like I'm doing...

Ben Stiller: Do the stand-up, I'd like to see you do some stand-up.

Space Ghost: The stand-up. (stands up) Like this?

Ben Stiller: Uh...

Space Ghost: Is this funny?

Ben Stiller: No. (smiles)

Space Ghost: (begins to float) How about floating?

Ben Stiller: Okay.

Space Ghost: Is that funny?

Ben Stiller: (laughs) No.

(Some goofy guy rolling on the grass, laughing)

Space Ghost: (talking on the phone through his communicator) Now, if I'm not completely satisfied, you say I get a full refund. (background reply sounds) That sounds fair. And, still keep my miracle hat? (reply sounds) Yeah, I think I do know a couple of people who may be interested.

Moltar: No.

Space Ghost: O-kay. Zorak, you want in on this?

Zorak: (flaps lips)

Kevin Smith: (appears on monitor) Hey, how are you, Ghost.

Space Ghost: I'm on the phone, that's how. Rude. Okay, put me down for six dozen more. (reply sounds) Yeah, I can hold. (hold music)

Kevin Smith: (puts his hand to his ear)

Space Ghost: Where'd you get that sweater? It looks cheap. I hate it. (hums along with hold music) (click: reply sounds) Okay then. (phone hangs up, dialtone) Thank you so much. Bye now. Alrighty. Identify yourself, Kevin.

Kevin Smith: Um, I'm Kevin Smith. I've, I've directed "Clerks" and "Mall Rats" and "Chasing Amy".

Space Ghost: And that's why you're here. To discuss my movie.

Kevin Smith: Um, I guess I should, I should pitch you something, huh? Are you up for that?

Space Ghost: I'm up for sittin' by the pool and watchin' the jack roll in.

Zorak: I'm up for a Peabody.

Space Ghost: (looks at Zorak) Squirrels don't win awards. Stupid squirrel.

Kevin Smith: Zorak.

Zorak: Kevin!

Kevin Smith: Zorak! (makes thumb-forefinger-pinky gestures with both hands)

Zorak: Kevin!

Kevin Smith: Zorak!

Space Ghost: (stands up) Spaaaace Ghoooost!

Kevin Smith: (rolls his eyes)

Space Ghost: (sits down) Ha ha, sorry.

Zorak: Pfft!

Space Ghost: So, Kevin, what's the plan? What now, where to, what's next for the Space Ghost?

Kevin Smith: I think you just need to work with the right director. So I'm sure this is boring Zorak, but...

Zorak: Yeah, I turned off my ears five minutes ago.

Space Ghost: Then how did you know what he said?

Zorak: Huh?

Space Ghost: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?

Zorak: What?

Space Ghost: I said, if you...

Zorak: Huh?

Space Ghost: I said, if you turned, did you say "turned off"?

Zorak: Yup.

Space Ghost: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?

Zorak: Ih.

Space Ghost: Zorak? Zorak!

Zorak: (floats out of his pod)

(Space Ghost shoots Zorak with his power bands)

Zorak: Aaaaa!!! (lands in his pod)

Space Ghost: Floating isn't funny.

Kevin Smith: (laughs) Tad.

Space Ghost: You laughin' at me, boy?

Kevin Smith: No, I, I didn't mean, I was laughing with you.

Space Ghost: But I wasn't laughing, was I?

Kevin Smith: No, you hadn't...

Space Ghost: No, I hadn't, had I?

Kevin Smith: No...

Space Ghost: So, it's all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away.

Kevin Smith: I'd be up for that. I'd, I'd sign a waiver.

Space Ghost: Actually, it's a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap. So, if you could just go ahead and sign that, we'll begin principle photography in, what, say, ten minutes?

Kevin Smith: You are takin' care of business, he is takin' care of business, Zorak, isn't he?

Zorak: (transformed into a squirrel) (blinks) Screwy, ain't it?

Kevin Smith: Never mind the big bug bust-the-power-band move.

Space Ghost: Listen, Kevin, if you're not going to take this seriously...

Kevin Smith: I've got a question now, where is, where is the monkey?

Space Ghost: That's it.

Kevin Smith: Monkey can't get a break in this business.

Space Ghost: Moltar!

Moltar: Cue fire. (throws lever, Kevin is enveloped in flames)

Kevin Smith: Aaaaaa!!!

Space Ghost: (taps cards) Meeting.

(In control room)

Space Ghost: Is everyone here?

Zorak: Yup.

Moltar: Yup.

Space Ghost: Good.

(In studio)

Space Ghost: Alrighty. Please say hello to my last and final guest, Jim Jarmusch.

Jim Jarmusch: I'm really happy to be here, but I'm a little confused, because I, uh... (flames leap up around jim) Uh...

Space Ghost: Okay, quit horsin' around, Moltar, you're embarrassing me. (flames subside)

Jim Jarmusch: That's better, thanks. The last thing I remember was I was asleep at home in my bed, and then there was this really intense white light, that...

Space Ghost: I usually see sky rockets.

Jim Jarmusch: I, I see.

Space Ghost: Yes. Then, the depression and guilt.

Jim Jarmusch: Really.

Space Ghost: I don't need to tell you that. (beat) Out loud. (beat) Meeting.

(In control room)

(Zorak the squirrel and floating Moltar)

Space Ghost: (coughs) (applause)

(In studio)

Jim Jarmusch: Hey, could I say 'hi' to some of my friends in the cartoon world? (Quickdraw McGraw walks by) 'Cause I've never been, like, in cartoon land before.

Zorak: How ya doin' there, pardner? Hup, see ya later.

Space Ghost: Actually, Jim, I - (falls through trap door again) Aaaaaaaaaaaa...

Zorak: (evil laughter)

Moltar: (evil laughter) I love that.

Zorak: Psst, Jim!

Jim Jarmusch: Yeah. (thud)

Zorak: You have a kind face.

Space Ghost: (far away voice) Meeting!

(In control room)

(Disco lights and music)

(In studio)

Space Ghost: Anyway, about my movie...

Jim Jarmusch: You could, like, grow an extra head or, you know, die and come back to life, or, uh...

Space Ghost: (beat) Meeting!

(In control room)

(Everyone sings)

Space Ghost: Hello!

Moltar: Hello!

Zorak: Hello!

Jim Jarmusch: Hello?

(In studio)

Space Ghost: Sorry, Jim, but we're in a hurry, and the only reason you're here is that you're a director. So, help me or leave.

Jim Jarmusch: Yeah, I, I, uh... What's up with Zorak, is he, uh, he's like some kind of outer space grasshopper or something?

Space Ghost: Help me or leave, Jim.

Jim Jarmusch: Is he related, is he, like, the evil twin of Jiminy Cricket? You know, the...

Space Ghost: Help me or leave, Jim.

Jim Jarmusch: And another thing I wanted to ask you, now, why do you superheroes, like, wear your underwear on the outside of your pants?

Space Ghost: Moltar?

(Jim is enveloped in flames)

Jim Jarmusch: Aaaaaa!!!

Space Ghost: Aw heck, I'll just direct it myself.

Jim Jarmusch: Help me!

Space Ghost: Oh, be quiet.

(Credits roll)

Space Ghost: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Ben Stiller
Kevin Smith
Jim Jarmusch
Mark Banker
Ken Brady
Tom Roche
Sonny Sharrock
Man...or Astro-Man?
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Man...or Astro-Man?
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Pete Smith
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
Dave Sillman
Pat Epstein
Jay Bellissimo
Mark Coddington
Wilem Madison
Dennis Bassarab
Mardy Beeson
Roy Clements
Kaili Rubin
Vishal Roney
Nina Bishop
Gus Jordan
Maya McClure
James Huffman
Michelle A. Long
Michael Lazzo
Joey Googe
Natali Tesche
Nathan Cook
James Harrison & Family
Southern Animal Talent Agency
Loren Falls
Kathy Roast
Kenny Crow
Lisa D. Ellis
Alex Toth
Chip Duffey
Isabel Gonzalez
Vishal Roney
Jim Fortier
Barry Mills
Pete Smith
Dave Willis
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next