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Waiting

(Opening screen with Ghost Planet, titled "Last Saturday". Transition to Space Ghost's lab, with sign reading "Do Not Enter, House of Pain Cakes". Space Ghost types on a mechanical typewriter as he speaks)

Space Ghost (SG):

Scene one, office, day. Mr. White says, "I will stop you." (carriage return) And Mr. Black says, "You won't stop me." (CARRIAGE RETURN) Mr. White says, "Yes, I will stop you." I read that wrong: "Yes, I WILL stop you!" (CARRIAGE RETURN) (PAUSE) Hmm. (PAUSE) Robotic space worm enters, destroys city, The End. (carriage return) (pause) Or is it? (carriage return)

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos to set) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost, architect of the future. Welcome to the show. (waves) So, how was your weekend, Zorak?

Zorak (Z):

I, uh, I did some volunteer work over at the orphanage.

SG:

Well, I was... (does a double take) Yeah. Well, I was finishing up my screen play, and it's brilliant. Brilliant! Now play me to the Desk.

(Zorak and Way-outs play)

SG:

(invisos to desk) Some of my director pals are dropping by the studio tonight, and if one of 'em plays his cards right, I'll affix him to my movie.

Z:

You don't know any directors.

SG:

Sure I do. Moltar's a director, aren't you, Moltar?

Moltar (M):

Yeah, check it out. (throws lever, title card reading "A Moltar Film" scrolls up onto screen, with fanfare music) Ta da. (title card stays in middle of screen)

SG:

See, Zorak?

M:

Hey Space Ghost, why doncha let me direct your movie?

SG:

Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. (laughs) That's very thoughtful of you. But your specialty is cartoons.

M:

So?

SG:

So cartoon's are kid's stuff. I need someone with real adult film experience. I'm sure you understand.

M:

Oh, I do.

SG:

And, would you lose the title card. We're not doing "Three's Company" here.

M:

Sure. (throws lever, title card disappears and trap door opens under Space Ghost's chair)

SG:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Z:

(evil laughter)

M:

(evil laughter)

SG:

(thud) (far away voice) Moltar, see me after the show.

M:

(laughs)

(Monitor lowers from ceiling with Ben Stiller. Space Ghost's desk is still empty. smaller "A Moltar Film" title card appears in lower left corner)

Z:

(turns and glares at Ben)

Ben Stiller (BS):

It's a pleasure to be here.

Z:

Who are you?

BS:

(looks around) Um, I'm Ben Stiller.

Z:

Is that a wig?

SG:

(groaning sounds, climbs up through trap door and into his chair)

Z:

It sure looks like a wig.

SG:

Sorry about that, Ben. Can we get you anything?

BS:

I probably could use some coffee.

SG:

Yeah. (creaking sound in background) Coffee would be good.

BS:

Um...

Z:

Psst, Ben?

BS:

Yeah?

Z:

You have a kind face.

BS:

Thank you.

SG:

The kind you would like to do what to, Zorak?

Z:

The kind I'd like to chew off and spit on and spit up and stomp on...

BS:

You know what?

Z:

I'm not finished yet. And slap. And push. And kick. And... push. And... kick.

BS:

Zorak, I enjoy the, your ribald sense of humor, that you bring to the show.

Z:

Yeah, I'm ribald.

BS:

I think you are a necessary evil...

Z:

Yeah, I'm evil.

BS:

... if you will, on this show.

Z:

Yeah, I will.

BS:

I think you guys have a great little reparte thing happening.

SG:

Don't mind Zorak, Ben, he's just a squirrel.

BS:

(laughs) Okay, uh...

SG:

(coughs) Uh oh (laughter in background) (coughs again; more background laughter) Hang on. (sneezes) (enthusiastic applause) Thank you!

BS:

(holds hands up) Oooo!

SG:

Anyway, I think you should direct my movie!

BS:

Yeah, "Cable Guy 2", starring Space Ghost. You could be the, uh, kooky guy who comes and hooks up the, uh...

SG:

Let me get with my people, Ben. I'll get back to you on that. Zorak, Moltar, meeting.

(In control room)

SG:

Gentlemen?

Z:

(flaps lips) Stinks.

M:

Pasadena.

(In studio)

SG:

Ben, we love the idea! So, we're gonna pass. Moltar and Zorak, they just don't share our vision.

BS:

Okay, thank you. Moltar, and Zorak. (laughs)

SG:

Ben, you've been making movies since before you were born. If you could give me any advice about my movie career, what would it be?

BS:

Um, I would start out with comedy, like you're doing.

SG:

(writing franticly) Start... out... with... okay, start out with comedy, like I'm doing...

BS:

Do the stand-up, I'd like to see you do some stand-up.

SG:

The stand-up. (stands up) Like this?

BS:

Uh...

SG:

Is this funny?

BS:

No. (smiles)

SG:

(begins to float) How about floating?

BS:

Okay.

SG:

Is that funny?

BS:

(laughs) No.

(Some goofy guy rolling on the grass, laughing)

SG:

(talking on the phone through his communicator) Now, if I'm not completely satisfied, you say I get a full refund. (background reply sounds) That sounds fair. And, still keep my miracle hat? (reply sounds) Yeah, I think I do know a couple of people who may be interested.

M:

No.

SG:

O-kay. Zorak, you want in on this?

Z:

(flaps lips)

Kevin Smith (KS):

(appears on monitor) Hey, how are you, Ghost.

SG:

I'm on the phone, that's how. Rude. Okay, put me down for six dozen more. (reply sounds) Yeah, I can hold. (hold music)

KS:

(puts his hand to his ear)

SG:

Where'd you get that sweater? It looks cheap. I hate it. (hums along with hold music) (click: reply sounds) Okay then. (phone hangs up, dialtone) Thank you so much. Bye now. Alrighty. Identify yourself, Kevin.

KS:

Um, I'm Kevin Smith. I've, I've directed "Clerks" and "Mall Rats" and "Chasing Amy".

SG:

And that's why you're here. To discuss my movie.

KS:

Um, I guess I should, I should pitch you something, huh? Are you up for that?

SG:

I'm up for sittin' by the pool and watchin' the jack roll in.

Z:

I'm up for a Peabody.

SG:

(looks at Zorak) Squirrels don't win awards. Stupid squirrel.

KS:

Zorak.

Z:

Kevin!

KS:

Zorak! (makes thumb-forefinger-pinky gestures with both hands)

Z:

Kevin!

KS:

Zorak!

SG:

(stands up) Spaaaace Ghoooost!

KS:

(rolls his eyes)

SG:

(sits down) Ha ha, sorry.

Z:

Pfft!

SG:

So, Kevin, what's the plan? What now, where to, what's next for the Space Ghost?

KS:

I think you just need to work with the right director. So I'm sure this is boring Zorak, but...

Z:

Yeah, I turned off my ears five minutes ago.

SG:

Then how did you know what he said?

Z:

Huh?

SG:

I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?

Z:

What?

SG:

I said, if you...

Z:

Huh?

SG:

I said, if you turned, did you say "turned off"?

Z:

Yup.

SG:

I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?

Z:

Ih.

SG:

Zorak? Zorak!

Z:

(floats out of his pod)

(Space Ghost shoots Zorak with his power bands)

Z:

Aaaaa!!! (lands in his pod)

SG:

Floating isn't funny.

KS:

(laughs) Tad.

SG:

You laughin' at me, boy?

KS:

No, I, I didn't mean, I was laughing with you.

SG:

But I wasn't laughing, was I?

KS:

No, you hadn't...

SG:

No, I hadn't, had I?

KS:

No...

SG:

So, it's all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away.

KS:

I'd be up for that. I'd, I'd sign a waiver.

SG:

Actually, it's a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap. So, if you could just go ahead and sign that, we'll begin principle photography in, what, say, ten minutes?

KS:

You are takin' care of business, he is takin' care of business, Zorak, isn't he?

Z:

(transformed into a squirrel) (blinks) Screwy, ain't it?

KS:

Never mind the big bug bust-the-power-band move.

SG:

Listen, Kevin, if you're not going to take this seriously...

KS:

I've got a question now, where is, where is the monkey?

SG:

That's it.

KS:

Monkey can't get a break in this business.

SG:

Moltar!

M:

Cue fire. (throws lever, Kevin is enveloped in flames)

KS:

Aaaaaa!!!

SG:

(taps cards) Meeting.

(In control room)

SG:

Is everyone here?

Z:

Yup.

M:

Yup.

SG:

Good.

(In studio)

SG:

Alrighty. Please say hello to my last and final guest, Jim Jarmusch.

Jim Jarmusch (JJ):

I'm really happy to be here, but I'm a little confused, because I, uh... (flames leap up around jim) Uh...

SG:

Okay, quit horsin' around, Moltar, you're embarrassing me. (flames subside)

JJ:

That's better, thanks. The last thing I remember was I was asleep at home in my bed, and then there was this really intense white light, that...

SG:

I usually see sky rockets.

JJ:

I, I see.

SG:

Yes. Then, the depression and guilt.

JJ:

Really.

SG:

I don't need to tell you that. (beat) Out loud. (beat) Meeting.

(In control room)

(Zorak the squirrel and floating Moltar)

SG:

(coughs) (applause)

(In studio)

JJ:

Hey, could I say 'hi' to some of my friends in the cartoon world? (Quickdraw McGraw walks by) 'Cause I've never been, like, in cartoon land before.

Z:

How ya doin' there, pardner? Hup, see ya later.

SG:

Actually, Jim, I - (falls through trap door again) Aaaaaaaaaaaa...

Z:

(evil laughter)

M:

(evil laughter) I love that.

Z:

Psst, Jim!

JJ:

Yeah. (thud)

Z:

You have a kind face.

SG:

(far away voice) Meeting!

(In control room)

(Disco lights and music)

(In studio)

SG:

Anyway, about my movie...

JJ:

You could, like, grow an extra head or, you know, die and come back to life, or, uh...

SG:

(beat) Meeting!

(In control room)

(Everyone sings)

SG:

Hello!

M:

Hello!

Z:

Hello!

JJ:

Hello?

(In studio)

SG:

Sorry, Jim, but we're in a hurry, and the only reason you're here is that you're a director. So, help me or leave.

JJ:

Yeah, I, I, uh... What's up with Zorak, is he, uh, he's like some kind of outer space grasshopper or something?

SG:

Help me or leave, Jim.

JJ:

Is he related, is he, like, the evil twin of Jiminy Cricket? You know, the...

SG:

Help me or leave, Jim.

JJ:

And another thing I wanted to ask you, now, why do you superheroes, like, wear your underwear on the outside of your pants?

SG:

Moltar?

(Jim is enveloped in flames)

JJ:

Aaaaaa!!!

SG:

Aw heck, I'll just direct it myself.

JJ:

Help me!

SG:

Oh, be quiet.

(Credits roll)

SG:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

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Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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