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Title:Rio Ghosto
Original Air Date:September 17, 1998
Guest Stars:Ben Stiller, Kevin Smith, Jim Jarmusch

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Opening screen with Ghost Planet, titled "Last Saturday". Transition to Space Ghost's lab, with sign reading "Do Not Enter, House of Pain Cakes". Space Ghost types on a mechanical typewriter as he speaks)
Space Ghost (SG): Scene one, office, day. Mr. White says, "I will stop you." (carriage return) And Mr. Black says, "You won't stop me." (CARRIAGE RETURN) Mr. White says, "Yes, I will stop you." I read that wrong: "Yes, I WILL stop you!" (CARRIAGE RETURN) (PAUSE) Hmm. (PAUSE) Robotic space worm enters, destroys city, The End. (carriage return) (pause) Or is it? (carriage return)
(Opening theme & titles)
SG: (invisos to set) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost, architect of the future. Welcome to the show. (waves) So, how was your weekend, Zorak?
Zorak (Z): I, uh, I did some volunteer work over at the orphanage.
SG: Well, I was... (does a double take) Yeah. Well, I was finishing up my screen play, and it's brilliant. Brilliant! Now play me to the Desk.
(Zorak and Way-outs play)
SG: (invisos to desk) Some of my director pals are dropping by the studio tonight, and if one of 'em plays his cards right, I'll affix him to my movie.
Z: You don't know any directors.
SG: Sure I do. Moltar's a director, aren't you, Moltar?
Moltar (M): Yeah, check it out. (throws lever, title card reading "A Moltar Film" scrolls up onto screen, with fanfare music) Ta da. (title card stays in middle of screen)
SG: See, Zorak?
M: Hey Space Ghost, why doncha let me direct your movie?
SG: Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. (laughs) That's very thoughtful of you. But your specialty is cartoons.
M: So?
SG: So cartoon's are kid's stuff. I need someone with real adult film experience. I'm sure you understand.
M: Oh, I do.
SG: And, would you lose the title card. We're not doing "Three's Company" here.
M: Sure. (throws lever, title card disappears and trap door opens under Space Ghost's chair)
SG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Z: (evil laughter)
M: (evil laughter)
SG: (thud) (far away voice) Moltar, see me after the show.
M: (laughs)
(Monitor lowers from ceiling with Ben Stiller. Space Ghost's desk is still empty. smaller "A Moltar Film" title card appears in lower left corner)
Z: (turns and glares at Ben)
Ben Stiller (BS): It's a pleasure to be here.
Z: Who are you?
BS: (looks around) Um, I'm Ben Stiller.
Z: Is that a wig?
SG: (groaning sounds, climbs up through trap door and into his chair)
Z: It sure looks like a wig.
SG: Sorry about that, Ben. Can we get you anything?
BS: I probably could use some coffee.
SG: Yeah. (creaking sound in background) Coffee would be good.
BS: Um...
Z: Psst, Ben?
BS: Yeah?
Z: You have a kind face.
BS: Thank you.
SG: The kind you would like to do what to, Zorak?
Z: The kind I'd like to chew off and spit on and spit up and stomp on...
BS: You know what?
Z: I'm not finished yet. And slap. And push. And kick. And... push. And... kick.
BS: Zorak, I enjoy the, your ribald sense of humor, that you bring to the show.
Z: Yeah, I'm ribald.
BS: I think you are a necessary evil...
Z: Yeah, I'm evil.
BS: ... if you will, on this show.
Z: Yeah, I will.
BS: I think you guys have a great little reparte thing happening.
SG: Don't mind Zorak, Ben, he's just a squirrel.
BS: (laughs) Okay, uh...
SG: (coughs) Uh oh (laughter in background) (coughs again; more background laughter) Hang on. (sneezes) (enthusiastic applause) Thank you!
BS: (holds hands up) Oooo!
SG: Anyway, I think you should direct my movie!
BS: Yeah, "Cable Guy 2", starring Space Ghost. You could be the, uh, kooky guy who comes and hooks up the, uh...
SG: Let me get with my people, Ben. I'll get back to you on that. Zorak, Moltar, meeting.
(In control room)
SG: Gentlemen?
Z: (flaps lips) Stinks.
M: Pasadena.
(In studio)
SG: Ben, we love the idea! So, we're gonna pass. Moltar and Zorak, they just don't share our vision.
BS: Okay, thank you. Moltar, and Zorak. (laughs)
SG: Ben, you've been making movies since before you were born. If you could give me any advice about my movie career, what would it be?
BS: Um, I would start out with comedy, like you're doing.
SG: (writing franticly) Start... out... with... okay, start out with comedy, like I'm doing...
BS: Do the stand-up, I'd like to see you do some stand-up.
SG: The stand-up. (stands up) Like this?
BS: Uh...
SG: Is this funny?
BS: No. (smiles)
SG: (begins to float) How about floating?
BS: Okay.
SG: Is that funny?
BS: (laughs) No.
(Some goofy guy rolling on the grass, laughing)
SG: (talking on the phone through his communicator) Now, if I'm not completely satisfied, you say I get a full refund. (background reply sounds) That sounds fair. And, still keep my miracle hat? (reply sounds) Yeah, I think I do know a couple of people who may be interested.
M: No.
SG: O-kay. Zorak, you want in on this?
Z: (flaps lips)
Kevin Smith (KS): (appears on monitor) Hey, how are you, Ghost.
SG: I'm on the phone, that's how. Rude. Okay, put me down for six dozen more. (reply sounds) Yeah, I can hold. (hold music)
KS: (puts his hand to his ear)
SG: Where'd you get that sweater? It looks cheap. I hate it. (hums along with hold music) (click: reply sounds) Okay then. (phone hangs up, dialtone) Thank you so much. Bye now. Alrighty. Identify yourself, Kevin.
KS: Um, I'm Kevin Smith. I've, I've directed "Clerks" and "Mall Rats" and "Chasing Amy".
SG: And that's why you're here. To discuss my movie.
KS: Um, I guess I should, I should pitch you something, huh? Are you up for that?
SG: I'm up for sittin' by the pool and watchin' the jack roll in.
Z: I'm up for a Peabody.
SG: (looks at Zorak) Squirrels don't win awards. Stupid squirrel.
KS: Zorak.
Z: Kevin!
KS: Zorak! (makes thumb-forefinger-pinky gestures with both hands)
Z: Kevin!
KS: Zorak!
SG: (stands up) Spaaaace Ghoooost!
KS: (rolls his eyes)
SG: (sits down) Ha ha, sorry.
Z: Pfft!
SG: So, Kevin, what's the plan? What now, where to, what's next for the Space Ghost?
KS: I think you just need to work with the right director. So I'm sure this is boring Zorak, but...
Z: Yeah, I turned off my ears five minutes ago.
SG: Then how did you know what he said?
Z: Huh?
SG: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?
Z: What?
SG: I said, if you...
Z: Huh?
SG: I said, if you turned, did you say "turned off"?
Z: Yup.
SG: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said?
Z: Ih.
SG: Zorak? Zorak!
Z: (floats out of his pod)
(Space Ghost shoots Zorak with his power bands)
Z: Aaaaa!!! (lands in his pod)
SG: Floating isn't funny.
KS: (laughs) Tad.
SG: You laughin' at me, boy?
KS: No, I, I didn't mean, I was laughing with you.
SG: But I wasn't laughing, was I?
KS: No, you hadn't...
SG: No, I hadn't, had I?
KS: No...
SG: So, it's all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away.
KS: I'd be up for that. I'd, I'd sign a waiver.
SG: Actually, it's a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap. So, if you could just go ahead and sign that, we'll begin principle photography in, what, say, ten minutes?
KS: You are takin' care of business, he is takin' care of business, Zorak, isn't he?
Z: (transformed into a squirrel) (blinks) Screwy, ain't it?
KS: Never mind the big bug bust-the-power-band move.
SG: Listen, Kevin, if you're not going to take this seriously...
KS: I've got a question now, where is, where is the monkey?
SG: That's it.
KS: Monkey can't get a break in this business.
SG: Moltar!
M: Cue fire. (throws lever, Kevin is enveloped in flames)
KS: Aaaaaa!!!
SG: (taps cards) Meeting.
(In control room)
SG: Is everyone here?
Z: Yup.
M: Yup.
SG: Good.
(In studio)
SG: Alrighty. Please say hello to my last and final guest, Jim Jarmusch.
Jim Jarmusch (JJ): I'm really happy to be here, but I'm a little confused, because I, uh... (flames leap up around jim) Uh...
SG: Okay, quit horsin' around, Moltar, you're embarrassing me. (flames subside)
JJ: That's better, thanks. The last thing I remember was I was asleep at home in my bed, and then there was this really intense white light, that...
SG: I usually see sky rockets.
JJ: I, I see.
SG: Yes. Then, the depression and guilt.
JJ: Really.
SG: I don't need to tell you that. (beat) Out loud. (beat) Meeting.
(In control room)
(Zorak the squirrel and floating Moltar)
SG: (coughs) (applause)
(In studio)
JJ: Hey, could I say 'hi' to some of my friends in the cartoon world? (Quickdraw McGraw walks by) 'Cause I've never been, like, in cartoon land before.
Z: How ya doin' there, pardner? Hup, see ya later.
SG: Actually, Jim, I - (falls through trap door again) Aaaaaaaaaaaa...
Z: (evil laughter)
M: (evil laughter) I love that.
Z: Psst, Jim!
JJ: Yeah. (thud)
Z: You have a kind face.
SG: (far away voice) Meeting!
(In control room)
(Disco lights and music)
(In studio)
SG: Anyway, about my movie...
JJ: You could, like, grow an extra head or, you know, die and come back to life, or, uh...
SG: (beat) Meeting!
(In control room)
(Everyone sings)
SG: Hello!
M: Hello!
Z: Hello!
JJ: Hello?
(In studio)
SG: Sorry, Jim, but we're in a hurry, and the only reason you're here is that you're a director. So, help me or leave.
JJ: Yeah, I, I, uh... What's up with Zorak, is he, uh, he's like some kind of outer space grasshopper or something?
SG: Help me or leave, Jim.
JJ: Is he related, is he, like, the evil twin of Jiminy Cricket? You know, the...
SG: Help me or leave, Jim.
JJ: And another thing I wanted to ask you, now, why do you superheroes, like, wear your underwear on the outside of your pants?
SG: Moltar?
(Jim is enveloped in flames)
JJ: Aaaaaa!!!
SG: Aw heck, I'll just direct it myself.
JJ: Help me!
SG: Oh, be quiet.
(Credits roll)
SG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Ben Stiller
Kevin Smith
Jim Jarmusch
Mark Banker
Ken Brady
Tom Roche
Sonny Sharrock
Man...or Astro-Man?
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Man...or Astro-Man?
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Pete Smith
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
Dave Sillman
Pat Epstein
Jay Bellissimo
Mark Coddington
Wilem Madison
Dennis Bassarab
Mardy Beeson
Roy Clements
Kaili Rubin
Vishal Roney
Nina Bishop
Gus Jordan
Maya McClure
James Huffman
Michelle A. Long
Michael Lazzo
Joey Googe
Natali Tesche
Nathan Cook
James Harrison & Family
Southern Animal Talent Agency
Loren Falls
Kathy Roast
Kenny Crow
Lisa D. Ellis
Alex Toth
Chip Duffey
Isabel Gonzalez
Vishal Roney
Jim Fortier
Barry Mills
Pete Smith
Dave Willis
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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