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Waiting

(In the studio, Michael Moore is in the monitor. Joey walks up to Space Ghost's desk, wearing his own homemade Space Ghost suit.

Joey (J):

(clears throat) Greetings, citizen, and welcome to my show.

Michael Moore (MM):

Well, thanks for having me here, Space Ghost.

J:

Please, identify yourself to the universe.

MM:

My name is Michael Moore, and, um, I'm, I'm really nobody.

J:

(LAUGHS) That can't be true, I wouldn't have "nobody" on my show!

MM:

Hey, can we, can we stop for a second?

J:

Of course.

MM:

Okay. You're not actually Space Ghost, are you?

J:

(beat) (inhales through teeth)

MM:

I wasn't prepared for, I thought it was actually going to be the character.

J:

(hands over his face) Yes, sir.

MM:

You're like a really bad reader that's reading the script. (laughs)

J:

Well, actually... I'm an intern, and -

Space Ghost (SG):

(enters) Former intern! I thought I told -

J:

(scrambles off screen)

SG:

You better run, Joey!

(Opening theme & titles)

SG:

(invisos to set) Moltar?

Moltar (M):

(reading a book) Eh, I wasn't ready.

SG:

Eh, I'll do it again.

(Moltar throws lever, show rewinds, throws lever again, Space Ghost re-invisos in)

SG:

Time?

M:

4.2.

SG:

Ehh! (invisos out, then invisos to desk) Time.

M:

Um, 3.9.

SG:

Again! (invisos out, then back in, out of breath) Time.

M:

Oooh. 5.8.

SG:

Oh, one, one more time, once more.

M:

The guest is waiting,

SG:

Let him wait! I need to get that time down to 3.5 by six o'clock Sunday or I'm a dead man!

M:

Oh, did I say 5.8? I meant... 2.3.

SG:

Yes! I'm saved!

J:

(off stage, clapping) Nice going, sir. Congratulations!

(Space Ghost turns and blasts in his direction; Joey bolts in time)

SG:

Moltar, didn't I order you to revoke Joey's security clearance?

M:

Get off my back, I'm not your slave.

SG:

Yes you are.

M:

I am? Uh, well, what was I s'posed to do?

SG:

Never mind, it's too late. The one they call Joey walks among us.

M:

He just wants a job.

SG:

That's just what he wants you to think.

M:

Well, it's workin'. (laughs)

SG:

Moltar, send in my first guest.

M:

(groans, throws lever. Monitor lowers with Michael Moore)

SG:

Hi, Mike. Eh, sorry about all the trouble before. That punk was supposed to be banned from the premises.

MM:

No no no, it's okay, I'm, you're fine. It just threw me, that's all.

SG:

If you just... want to go back to bed, I'll understand.

MM:

That's okay, that's okay. We can start again.

SG:

From the top?

MM:

Yes.

SG:

Stop tape. (beat)

MM:

Uh, Space Ghost, uh, (laughs) I think you might just have something, uh...

SG:

And, roll tape. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michael Moore!

MM:

Uh, thanks for having me here, Space Ghost, it's, uh, it's really great.

SG:

So Mike, have you ever actually watched my show?

MM:

Yeah, yeah.

SG:

Really?

MM:

All the time, every week, in fact.

SG:

You're kidding!

MM:

Of course I'm kidding. (laughs) I've never seen this show.

SG:

What part do you like best?

MM:

No no, you're not listening, Space Ghost, I've never seen this show.

SG:

Do you prefer the comedy, or the interviews? Or both!

MM:

No, no, Space Ghost, hello! Hello!

SG:

I've seen all your stuff too.

MM:

Okay, give me an example.

SG:

Give you an example.

MM:

Yeah.

SG:

Okay. (beat) Now?

MM:

Yes, Space Ghost.

SG:

Do I have to?

MM:

(points at Space Ghost)

SG:

Alright, uh, I remember you were there...

MM:

Mm hm.

SG:

And you were talking to the man...

MM:

Uh huh.

SG:

The man, what was it, what... Rambo.

MM:

No, no.

SG:

And, there were these things...

MM:

Things, uh, you haven't seen any of my stuff, Space Ghost.

SG:

Seen all of it.

MM:

Oh, oh, that, yeah, you know, out here, like in the real world, you know, like where we have only eight cable stations...

(At the bandstand)

J:

(whispers) Excuse me. Zorak, sir.

Zorak (Z):

(grunts)

J:

(whispers) Down here. Did you get a chance to read those scripts that I sent you?

Z:

No! Go away.

J:

(whispers) I'll just leave my résumé here for you.

Z:

Get outta here!

SG:

(notices) Joey!! (fires his power bands, Joey scurries out of the way, Zorak takes the blast instead)

Z:

Aaaa!! (coughs)

MM:

Zorak, how ya doin' over there?

Z:

Hey, I'm bleeding.

SG:

He's fine, Mike.

MM:

Moltar is, uh, over there, hey, how ya doin', Moltar?

M:

I'm being exploited.

SG:

He's fine too, Mike. Now, tell me more about Texas.

M:

Space Ghost is a monster. You should really blow the cover off this rathole.

SG:

Moltar!

M:

Help me!

SG:

Moltar, Michael doesn't want to hear about your silly personal problems.

MM:

(laughs)

SG:

He's much more interested in doing one of his irreverent docu-comedies about me. Right, Mike?

MM:

Now, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to, follow you around, or, find out who your corporate owners are?

SG:

Sure, follow me around. What do I care?

MM:

So who are your corporate owners, Space Ghost?

SG:

Well, it's complicated, but (taps cards) basically, I belong to God.

MM:

Ohhhh.

SG:

That's right, Mike, God owns me. He speaks to me through his subsidiary, Time-Warner.

MM:

Yes, you know, they own Roger and Me.

SG:

Uh, Roger and I, Mike.

MM:

Yes, so we're sort of like corporate brethren here.

SG:

Roger's your brother.

MM:

(interlocks hands, raises eyebrows)

SG:

Ohhhh, I get it.

MM:

Let's say "hi" to all our friends at Time-Warner. (waves) (laughs)

SG:

(waves) Hello, friends.

(In the commissary)

J:

"I love beans?" You know, that song means so much to me.

Brak (B):

Well, you know, I wrote that song while I was eatin' some beans.

J:

That's awesome.

(In the studio)

SG:

So Michael, what do you think of the Ghost Planet?

MM:

It's, it's, it's, uh... I've, I've been in worse places.

SG:

Name one.

MM:

(laughs) Well, um, it's, it's a kid's show, isn't it?

SG:

Actually, no. My audience is comprised largely of retired naval officers. Ahoy, gentlemen. I salute you. Mike, have you ever been to the Caspian Sea?

MM:

No.

SG:

Some people think it's a lake. But they're so wrong.

Z:

It's a lake!

SG:

It's a sea!

Z:

It's a lake!

SG:

It's a sea!

Z:

What, ya been there?

SG:

(beat) (glares at Zorak)

Z:

(glares at Space Ghost)

SG:

It's a sea, Mike.

MM:

Uh huh. And, and where are you actually put together, Space Ghost, like, who draws you?

SG:

Oh... a bunch of guys.

MM:

A bunch of guys, where at?

SG:

Uh, some kids do it, somewhere. I'm, I'm not sure.

MM:

Yeah, it probably, is this, is this animation done in the United States?

SG:

Yeah, I think so. Is that part of Korea?

MM:

No.

SG:

They don't make much money, I know that. (laughs cruely)

(In the control room)

J:

Hey, Moltar?

M:

What are you doin' here?

J:

Would you mind if I just stood over here and watch you work?

M:

(sighs) Alright, but stay out of my way. I can't be distracted.

(Joey and Moltar watch Space Ghost from the control room monitor, Joey eats an apple)

MM:

What's the budget on this show, anyways?

SG:

Not much, I'll tell you that. Want to know why? I'll let you in on a little secret, Mike. I don't pay anybody! My staff here - they work for free! (laughs)

MM:

Oh, really?

SG:

Oh, yeah. My overhead from this show is virtually nothing, except for an occasional bowl of water and bucket of slop...

M:

(to Joey) Listen, I'm gonna take a nap. You stay here, and if anything goes wrong, run and get me.

J:

Oh, you bet! You can count on me, sir. You just -

M:

Don't touch anything! (walks out of control room)

J:

Thank you! (waves)

(In the studio)

MM:

Well, yeah, I guess I'd like, I'd like to find out, uh, who put you up to this, who controls you. And basically, uh, you know, how you're treating your, uh, employees here.

SG:

Oh, they're enslaved.

MM:

Mm, okay.

SG:

Oh, it's not the kind you're thinking of. This is the good kind.

Z:

Lies! All of it!

MM:

The bandleader over here isn't so sure about that.

Z:

Space Ghost!

SG:

What, Zorak?

Z:

I need a five minute break.

SG:

No breaks, get back to work!

Z:

Then I'll need a spit trough.

SG:

Sorry, we're over-budget as it is. My six week "Humor on the Rhine" junket nearly busted us.

Z:

And how about a piano bench? I've been squattin' for four years!

SG:

Sit down on your own time. I don't pay you to sit.

Z:

You don't pay me at all!

SG:

You'll get what I give you and like it! (to Mike) You see, Mike, here in space we're all equals. Except for Moltar and Zorak. Isn't that great? Want him to do anything for you, Mike? Shall he dance for your pleasure?

Z:

(Zorak stares back in surprise)

SG:

(blasts at Zorak's feet) Dance, mantis! Dance for Michael's pleasure!

Z:

Ow! Hey, my foot! ow!

(In room marked "Edit C", Moltar lays on the floor, snoring, talking in his sleep)

(In the studio)

SG:

(while blasting) Hey, Mike, aren't you impressed by my power over my lowly subordinates?

MM:

Oh, come on. They're helping you do this show here.

SG:

(finished blasting Zorak) Pffft. They're not worth the paper I line their filthy cages with.

Z:

You make me sleep in my own debris!

SG:

Excuse me. (casually walks over to the bandstand, and punches Zorak in the face, then walks back, humming to himself)

Z:

Pfeh!

MM:

You are down on him today!

SG:

I'm down on him every day, Mike. He's morally bankrupt.

MM:

He's, he's the glue that holds this show together here.

SG:

Oh, please!

MM:

The man, he gives and gives and gives for you. On this show.

SG:

It's best not to make nice with Zorak. He'll eat you faster than a Swiss blacksmith at a corkboard convention.

MM:

I prob-, I probably look like a month-long meal to him, don't I? (laughs) Stay away. (laughs)

(In control room, Joey is pressing various buttons)

MM:

Uh oh. We just lost our camera. (Michael's image on monitor starts zooming in and out, in and out of focus)

SG:

What's happening there? Moltar! Moltar!

(In control room)

SG:

(invisos in) Joey!

J:

I'm sorry, sir, it'll never happen again.

SG:

You got that straight, son. (blasts Joey, who crumples to the ground) Take that!

M:

(returns) Whoa! What's goin' on in here?

SG:

Joey messed up my show. So I messed up his face.

M:

You didn't use your power bands on him, did you?

SG:

Yeah. (laughs) Isn't that right, Joey?

(Joey is motionless)

SG:

Joey?

M:

He doesn't look so good.

SG:

I don't know, he looks okay to me. (nudges Joey's head with his foot) Big cry-baby. Get rid of him.

M:

You get rid of him.

SG:

(sighs in disgust)

(In the Phantom Cruiser, Joey is slumped beside Space Ghost)

SG:

This could cost me my career. (beat) Way to go, Joey!

(Credits roll)

SG:

Great show, everybody. See you next week. (laughs) I hate that guy.

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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