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Waiting

(An old man tosses and turns in bed, moaning, as if having a nightmare)

(In a cave, Space Ghost faces Future Man)

Space Ghost (SG):

Sorry, Future Man, but I've used my reverse polarity ray to spoil your plans.

(Dramatic music, camera pans to Future Man)

Future Man (FM):

Not so fast, Space Clown! My time-space manipulator has assembled an army of invisible cavemen to block your reverse polarity ray.

(Dramatic music, camera pans to Space Ghost)

SG:

That's a neat trick, Future Fool, but my frequency demodulator re-routed your cave creeps to the Victorian era, where they will be mocked for their ill manners and crude mode of dress.

(Dramatic music, camera pans to Future Man)

FM:

That's unlucky. I suspect my future's not so bright after all.

(Dramatic music, camera pans to Space Ghost)

SG:

Yup.

(Dramatic music, camera pans to Future Man)

FM:

That's all well and good, Space Dud, but I've saved the best for last! Take this! (nozzle begins to emit a cloud of gas)

SG:

(walking toward Future Man) (coughs) It seems to be (coughs) some kind of (coughs) gas.

FM:

(laughs) It is the ancient vapor of Kintavé, Space Goon. You will now be driven to feed off the flesh of humanoids to survive. (laughs)

SG:

(coughs) Seriously? (coughs)

(Original "Space Ghost" cartoon title screen and theme, titled: "Space Ghost in The Curse of Kintavé")

(In the studio)

SG:

(invisos in) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. My guests tonight include the symbol of man's epic struggle against a mysterious and complex universe, Moby! Plus, the very difficult to work into a show comic, Emo Philips!

Moltar (M):

And, Richard Crenna, right?

SG:

Uh, no, I, I put him my mouth and ate him.

M:

Ff! Really?

SG:

Fff! Eh, I'm kiddin'. Richard had to go. He had an (belch voice) appointment. Eh, you know Richard.

M:

No, I don't know Richard.

SG:

Oh, go grapple with your lever. Zorak, please play me to the desk, if you please.

(Zorak plays Space Ghost to the desk)

SG:

(invisos to desk, makes long belch) Ooh, excuse me!

Moby (M):

(on monitor) Hi.

Zorak (Z):

Biscuit!

SG:

Not now.

Z:

Biscuit!

SG:

(scoots toward monitor) (to Moby) What do you want?

M:

Well, my name's Moby, and I'm from New York City, where are you from?

SG:

I'm from outer space, Moby. Home of the universe. (smile sparkles)

Z:

Biscuit!

M:

Are there any trouble spots in the universe, right now, that you can talk about?

SG:

Yes. (beat)

Z:

Biscuit!

SG:

Sorry.

M:

What did you think about, what was it, the Shoemaker-Levy comet that crashed into Jupiter?

SG:

Shoemaker-Whatty?

M:

The Shoemaker-Levy, it was, it was, uh, it was a three-stage comet that crashed into Jupiter.

SG:

Wow.

M:

Yeah, and they'd said that if a comet like that hit...

SG:

Was that on a Tuesday? Because I think I had a guitar lesson that day.

M:

Yeah, but you would think something like that, that's like being a, a policeman, and...

SG:

Listen, I can't worry about every little snafu. I have celebrities to talk to! Like Moby!

M:

Celebrities, huh? So celebrities are more important than the safety and well-being of...

SG:

Nobody cares, Moby. (beat) Nobody cares. (beat) No one.

M:

Are you sort of new to this interview process?

SG:

I've been doing this for thousands of years, Moby.

M:

Well, you can't tell.

SG:

Oh! Well, thank you for the compliment.

M:

It wasn't intended as one.

SG:

Well, sometimes those are the best compliments of all.

Z:

Biscuit!

SG:

I'll tell ya, Moby, it sure hasn't felt like thousands of years. But I guess that's because on my planet, it's still only Tues-- Tuesday! My guitar lesson! (flies off)

(Sound of Space Ghost playing guitar badly in the background, the intro to the song "Roundabout" by the group "Yes")

Z:

(sips coffee)

M:

(stares at his console, then leafs through a book)

(Sound of guitar being smashed)

Z:

(stares wide-eyed)

SG:

(bounds back to his desk)

Z:

Hey! Biscuit! Biscuit!

SG:

Not now!

Z:

Stuff you!

SG:

Stuff you too!

M:

(smiles)

SG:

Zorak's a villain, Moby.

M:

And what about this lava character?

SG:

Another villain.

M:

So, if you're such a, if you're such a nice benign upstanding...

(A high-pitched tone builds, Space Ghost enters a trance, his eyes turn red)

FM:

(in Space Ghost's mind) Feed of the flesh of humanoids to survive!

M:

... character, how come you surround yourself with so many miscreants?

SG:

(sees everything red, hears Future Man's laughter) (stares at Moby's head) This guy's got a nice boney head.

Z:

Eh... I reckon.

M:

Um...

SG:

I reckon that bucket's got some treats inside.

M:

Are you a vegetarian?

SG:

Not really. (flies straight up)

(Moby looks around for Space Ghost, who then materializes behind him in the monitor, and starts chewing on his back. Moltar and Zorak stare in shock, as Space ghost munches on Moby's head)

SG:

(bounds back to his desk, monitor is now empty) (smacks his lips) Moltar, send out another tender celebrity for me to interview.

M:

You ate Moby!

SG:

(belches) No I didn't!

M:

Y-, you sure about that?

SG:

Am I sure? Moltar, I think I'd know if I ate a guest, okay? Now, send him out here, it'll be alright.

M:

(beat) Huh... (throws lever, title card appears on monitor:

Space Ghost Coast to Coast
TWEENERS
CUT 15
"NOTHING GOIN ON"
:15
27 MAY 98

(followed by shot of somebody petting a cat, with "Coming in August" title card)

(Emo Philips appears on monitor)

M:

Um... watch yourself out there. Space Ghost is acting kinda funny. (monitor momentarily shows Moltar watching the monitor)

Emo Philips (EP):

(makes strange gestures and faces)

M:

You know what? Forget what I just said. Go out there and have fun with it. (throws lever, sending Emo to the studio monitor) Dead man walkin'. (laughs)

EP:

Hello, universe?

SG:

Welcome to my show, Emo. How do you like deep space?

EP:

I like outer space. In outer space, no one can hear the audience scream.

SG:

Emo, you're uncommonly funny. Where do you get your humorous ideas?

EP:

I've found... You could often find humor, just by turning something upside down. Like a small child.

SG:

Once again, very witty, Emo. My compliments to you.

EP:

Zorak? Zorak, you're an intelligent being, do you like riddles?

Z:

Stuff you!

EP:

I'd rather do a riddle.

SG:

(belches several times)

EP:

What's green, obnoxious, plays the keyboard...

Z:

Zorak do!

EP:

Don't give it away.

SG:

(belch-speaks something)

EP:

And... (flails his arms) Oh, forget it.

SG:

(eyes turn red again) Eatmo, have you ever considered slathering yourself in hot honey mustard sauce?

EP:

It hasn't come up yet...

SG:

(starts growling)

EP:

... as opposed to the breakfast you guys provided for me.

SG:

I noticed you didn't finish your stuffing. I'm very disappointed.

EP:

Oh...

SG:

Why don't you finish it now? I left the bowl down by your, uh... (Emo looks down) That's a boy... And the butter, don't for-. There you go. (flies straight up, appears on monitor in front of Emo) Greetings, citizen! (Future Man's laughter in his mind)

M:

What the...

Z:

Yeah!

SG:

(bites on Emo's chest, Emo swoons)

Z:

(belches) ... baby!

SG:

(bounds back to his desk, monitor is again empty)

Z:

What's that... schmeg on your face?

SG:

(belches, Emo's voice says "Where is the restroom")

Z:

(stares wide-eyed) Huh?

SG:

Any more guests?

M:

Well, I got somebody on stand-by, but... (throws lever, Shirley Manson appears in corner of monitor) ... I don't know...

SG:

Send 'em out! It'll be alright.

M:

Awright... (throws lever again, sends Shirley to studio monitor)

SG:

(eyes are red again, groans)

Shirley Manson (SM):

(smiles)

SG:

(groans more, then eyes return to normal) Uh, do you have anyone thicker?

M:

Haven't you had enough, Space Ghost? (throws lever, Shirley fades from monitor)

SG:

More guests! More guests now!

M:

Space Ghost...

SG:

Bring me more guests!

M:

Space Ghost...

SG:

More guests!

M:

You're out of control!

SG:

More guests!

M:

You have a problem.

SG:

I'll tell you the problem. The problem is the crummy service in this place! (burps) I'm never eating here again! Come on, Zorak, we're leaving!

M:

You need help.

Z:

Butt out, Moltar.

SG:

Yeah, butt out, Moltar!

M:

(groans)

SG:

I can stop anytime I want.

M:

Yeah? How about now?

SG:

Fine!! (sits quietly at his desk, taps his cards several times) (moans to himself) (taps cards faster and faster until they catch fire) Mmmm... (turns and looks at Zorak, as his eyes turn red again; more laughter from Future Man in his mind)

Z:

Stop lookin' at me.

SG:

(still staring at Zorak) I'll need some tools...

Z:

I don't think I'd taste very good.

SG:

... to crack the shell.

Z:

(wide eyed) Crack the shell?

SG:

Pinch the tail...

Z:

Ah, you don't wanna do that.

SG:

Suck.. the head...

Z:

I, I don't bathe, I carry many diseases, I, uh...

SG:

(stands) Pinch the tail, suck the head, use the vest for a napkin, throw away the eyes. (flies over to Zorak's pod)

(Moltar watches Space Ghost descend into Zorak's pod, feet in air)

Z:

No! Naaa!!! Na...

M:

Aw, shoot.

SG:

(emerging from Zorak's pod) Moltar... You're looking rather (belches) plump today.

M:

(turns from monitor, clears throat) I'm outta here. (starts walking away)

SG:

(invisos to control room, Shirley looks on from monitor) (burps) Hold it, boy.

M:

You don't want me. I'll burn the roof of your mouth.

SG:

Not if I blow on you.

M:

Aren't you full?

SG:

I'll make room.

M:

No, no, no!!

SG:

(leaps on Moltar, they struggle off camera as Shirley watches. He reappears holding Moltar) (to Shirley) You want some?

SM:

No, I'm not into that kind of thing.

SG:

Suit yourself. (disappears off screen again with Moltar, with Future Man's laughter in his head)

(Suddenly, Kirk the Storyteller sits up in his bed, wearing a nightcap)

Kirk the Storyteller (KTS):

Whoa! I just had the most horrible dream, in space!

(Credits roll)

Z:

(far away) Please bring me some juice.

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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