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Title:Intense Patriotism
Original Air Date:December 3, 1998
Guest Star:Jeff Foxworthy

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Waiting (with dog barking)

(shot of Earth from space, the Ghost Planet approaches)

(Space Ghost stands in the darkened studio, watching Earth as they approach)

Space Ghost: Open wide, Lady Liberty. Because Space Ghost is coming to America! Today!

(Opening theme & titles, which transitions to "Stars & Stripes Forever")

Space Ghost: Heh, "open wide", that's gonna slide right by the censors.

Voice: Lady Liberty's not a real person.

Space Ghost: Um...

Voice: It's a philosophy.

Space Ghost: Ah...

Voice: Let's try that just one more time, all the way through.

Space Ghost: "Space Ghost is coming to America"? Is that the idea here?

Voice: And Space Ghost is about to inviso in.

Space Ghost: Okay.

Space Ghost: Because...

Space Ghost: Sorry.

Voice: Lovin' this.

Voice: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Oh, shut up.

Voice: Uh...

Voice: Um...

Space Ghost: Max, it's nothin' personal, but...

Voice: You wanna take five, you know...

Space Ghost: No, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine, let's just go. (feedback squeal) (sighs)

Space Ghost: Good morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son Space Ghost.

Moltar: Whoa! Looks like we're movin'!

Space Ghost: We are moving, Moltar. To America!

Moltar: And, uh, why are we doin' that?

Space Ghost: Because all the successful superheroes live in America.

Moltar: Okay...

Space Ghost: It's really the only thing that keeps me from being the next Superman.

Moltar: Are you faster than a speeding bullet?

Space Ghost: Well... no, but...

Moltar: Are you able to leap tall buildings with...

Space Ghost: Moltar, that's not the point. Americaners don't trust foreigners. Especially when they don't live there. That stuff about the melting pond...

Moltar: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Heh, it hasn't melted. That's a pantload.

Zorak: (hunched down in his pod) Hey, anybody got a magazine?

Space Ghost: Zorak, what are you doing?

Zorak: Oh, just, uh... droppin' the kids off at the pool. (laughs)

Space Ghost: You don't have kids.

Zorak: (laughs) I do now. (laughs)

Space Ghost: Well, congratulations?

Zorak: Yeah, twins! (laughs)

Moltar: (reading book titled "Perfidy for Dummies") Well, I ain't goin' to America. They extradite. Most uncool.

Space Ghost: Fine, Zorak and I will go to America, and you can just go back to Russia!

Moltar: Fine! (walks away from console)

Space Ghost: W-w-wait! B-b-before you go, uh.. is there anything you can do to make this set a little more patriotic?

Moltar: (walks back to console) I ain't no commie!

Space Ghost: Huh?

Moltar: Try this. (throws lever)

Space Ghost: Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! Don't hit the wrong button. That puts a weird tone in my head.

Moltar: (laughs) Sorry. Try this. (set is redecorated in stars & stripes motif, with patriotic background music)

Space Ghost: Yeah! Lovin' this!

Moltar: This is just a shareware demo. It'll cost fourteen million to actually install.

Space Ghost: These are the colors of my forefathers, Moltar. The men who laid down their lives so that I can have my outer space talk show. (picture of Mount Rushmore, with Space Ghost's face in place of Teddy Roosevelt's) I think it's worth it.

Moltar: You got fourteen million?

Space Ghost: I was hoping to sign for it.

Moltar: (laughs) No. (throws lever, decorations disappear and music stops)

Space Ghost: Everything's free in America, Moltar.

Zorak: It's a free country?

Space Ghost: That's right, Zorak. (waving flag appears behind Space Ghost, patriotic music plays in background) It's the land of the free, and the home of the free.

Zorak: So I get to go free?

Space Ghost: No. (flag disappears, music stops) Now play me to the desk or I'm puttin' you in the box.

Zorak: (wide eyed) (whispers) The box?

Space Ghost: That's right. The box.

Zorak: (plays Space Ghost to the desk with "When Johnny Comes Marching Home")

Space Ghost: (invisos to desk) Moltar, give me Jeff Foxworthy, or give me death!

Moltar: Uh... do I get to pick?

Space Ghost: You want to go in the box too? Huh?

Moltar: No, no, no. Here's, uh, the redneck. (throws lever) Ugly American.

(monitor lowers from ceiling with Jeff)

Space Ghost: Greetings Jeff, welcome to America's fifty-first state, Ghostlahoma.

Jeff Foxworthy: Thanks, nice to be here.

Space Ghost: The spherical state.

Jeff Foxworthy: Uh huh, yeah.

Space Ghost: Do you know who I am?

Jeff Foxworthy: I, I've seen you, you know, like, when I'm flippin' channels late at night, but I've never really been interested enough to stop.

Space Ghost: I am United States Ghost, Jeff.

Jeff Foxworthy: (laughs)

Space Ghost: America's most patriotic action hero.

Jeff Foxworthy: (laughs)

Space Ghost: Please rise and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance. (stands)

Moltar: I don't wanna be an American! They'll discriminate against me because of my... my metal skin.

Space Ghost: (laughs) Well, who wouldn't, you red outcast?

Zorak: (laughs)

Space Ghost: I mean, look at you! You're a garbage can that talks! Look at you! (laughs) Were it me, I would not enter public.

Zorak: (laughs)

Space Ghost: Now, show old Larry some respect and take off that helmet.

Zorak: (reading a paper) I pledge allegiance...

Space Ghost: Can't hear you.

Zorak: ... to the flag...

Space Ghost: I totally can't hear you.

Zorak: (looks up, louder) I pledge allegiance...

Space Ghost: There you go.

All: (not in unison) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it stands, one nation... (beat)

Zorak: One nation...

All: ... under God, with liberty and justice...

Jeff Foxworthy: There's an "indivisible".

Zorak: ... indivisible...

Space Ghost: Yeah, well, I didn't see it. Let's see... (holds up paper) ... for which it stands, one nation under God...

Zorak: ... indivisible...

Space Ghost: ... under God, indivisible, right?

All: ... indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, but Zorak and Moltar.

Space Ghost: Play ball! (laughs)

Jeff Foxworthy: (sits down, laughing)

(Bright light washes out the screen)

Space Ghost: Helmet on, Moltar! (light dies down)

Zorak: So, uh, how 'bout my freedom, huh?

Space Ghost: (beat) So, Jeff, have any trouble finding the place?

Zorak: (while Space Ghost and Jeff are speaking) Hey! Hey!! Where's my freedom?!

Jeff Foxworthy: Yeah, well, it was kinda weird, I was comin' down the interstate, and, uh, hit the exit goin' pretty fast, (laughs) and, got airborne, and (shrugs) I'm here.

Space Ghost: (sarcastic) Good one, Jeff. What'd ya take, the mighty Space Shuttle?

Jeff Foxworthy: Uh, I drove.

Space Ghost: You drove, huh?

Jeff Foxworthy: Well, uh...

Space Ghost: Listen, Jeff, I don't like when people patronize me. Moltar, harvest his skin.

Moltar: Right on! I was hopin' you'd say that! Hang on, I'll get the peeler. (walks out of control room)

Jeff Foxworthy: (looks around in disgust, puts his hand on his brow)

Space Ghost: Nah, I'm just kiddin', Jeff.

Moltar: (standing by Space Ghost's desk) Alright, I got it.

Space Ghost: (aside) Put the peeler away, Moltar.

Moltar: Oh, come on!

Space Ghost: No, no. United States Ghost does not believe in cruel and unusual punishment.

Moltar: It'll just take a second. Just (whish whish whish whish) ...

Space Ghost: (in friendly voice) Moltar! Put the peeler away, or I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you with it. So Jeff, what brings you out to our...

Moltar: (slaps down paper on Space Ghost's desk) (quietly) I have a picture of you... buddy. (growls, then stomps off stage)

Space Ghost: (nervously) Uh, er, so Jeff, what, um, brings you out to our neck of the universe?

Jeff Foxworthy: Uh, this particular trip, I'm just out here to do your show, and then I've gotta go back to, to Earth and pick up my kids at school.

Space Ghost: Zorak has kids. Twins, right?

Zorak: Zorak lost count. (evil laugh)

Jeff Foxworthy: Do you ever go into the schools and, like, talk to the kids?

Space Ghost: Sure, whatever.

Jeff Foxworthy: About...?

Space Ghost: (scribbling) Oh, you know. Politics, horses...

Jeff Foxworthy: Politics and horses?

Space Ghost: (looking at his card) Alcoholism...

Jeff Foxworthy: Do kids like you?

Space Ghost: (beat) I bet Zorak's kids would like me.

Zorak: Well, come on over. (Space Ghost walks over to Zorak's pod) I'll introduce ya.

Space Ghost: Hi gang, your dad bring you into work today? (looks down into a pool of water)

Zorak: Oh, it's that awkward stage.

Space Ghost: Uh huh.(to 'kids') Hey, champ! (to Zorak) They seem to be very strong swimmers.

Zorak: You wanna hold one?

Space Ghost: Uh, no thank you. You know, kids, your father might not always tell you this, but he loves you very much.

Zorak: Say goodbye, kids. (Zorak flushes the 'kids')

Space Ghost: Zorak, no!

Zorak: (evil laughter)

Space Ghost: Swim, kids, swim! No, the other way, against the current!

Zorak: (more evil laughter)

Space Ghost: You're a bad father. (blasts Zorak right through wall into Moltar's control room)

Jeff Foxworthy: You know that the, the people that work here, and I probably should not say this on the air, told me that you weren't right...

Space Ghost: Who said that, Moltar and Zorak? They work for me.

Jeff Foxworthy: I know, I know, though, we all know that they work for you, because you bring this up every single week...

Space Ghost: I don't think you understand, Jeff. They.. work.. for me.

Zorak: I'm freelance!

Space Ghost: You work for me!

Jeff Foxworthy: Yeah, there's a guy that comes and cuts my grass every Thursday, but I don't meet him out there on the lawn going, "You work for me!"

Space Ghost: Yeah, well... I have my own TV show.

Jeff Foxworthy: Listen, listen. I had my own show, that doesn't mean that it's good, okay?

Space Ghost: But the difference between your show and my show, is that mine is still on. ('Pomp and Circumstance' begins to play in background) You see, Jeff, this show is a serious program, about serious issues, that face serious everyday Americans. (shot of Zorak playing the keyboard) Their giant piano-playing mantises. Zorak... (music stops) Now Jeff, you claim to be an authority on (reading his card) red necks. Yet I notice that your neck is strangely pale.

Jeff Foxworthy: I, well, it's, my definition of redneck has always been, a glorious absence of sophistication.

Space Ghost: So, I might be a redneck.

Jeff Foxworthy: Well, that's, that's, that's the joke, is it, you might be.

Space Ghost: But, I've never seen my neck.

Jeff Foxworthy: It has nothing to do...

Space Ghost: How do I know what color it is?

Jeff Foxworthy: I, I just told you, the definition is, is an absence of sophistication, it has nothing to do with the color of somebody's neck.

Space Ghost: Why don't you just say, "You know you have an absence of sophistication when..."?

Jeff Foxworthy: Because it's not funny. (beat) See, that's, they're jokes, I'm a comedian, that's...

Space Ghost: Moltar's red, but he doesn't have a neck. (beat)

Jeff Foxworthy: You understand jokes, right?

Space Ghost: Yeah.

(Set starts to shake and creak)

Zorak: Hey! Where're we lookin' to park this pig?

Space Ghost: Dothan.

Zorak: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan.

Space Ghost: You're not gonna run naked in the...

Zorak: I'm gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan!

Space Ghost: You're not gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan!

Zorak: C'mon! You said it was a free country!

Space Ghost: (waving flag in background, with patriotic music) With freedom comes responsibility.

Zorak: With freedom comes nudity! (Space Ghost aims his power bands) Hey, I'm an American! I have rights!

Space Ghost: Tell it to the judge. (blasts Zorak) Jeff, you're an American, what is it with you Americans and your obsession with barrels?

Jeff Foxworthy: You know, I have, I have to tell you, I've done a, a lot of talk shows, and these are... these are the stupidest questions that I have ever been asked.

Space Ghost: Don't look at me.

Jeff Foxworthy: Do you guys do any research or anything about the guest? It just... they're insane questions.

Space Ghost: No, I'll tell you what's insane. (waving flag in background, with patriotic music again) Using la- (looks up distracted by the music; it stops, flag goes away also) Using laser beams for optometry. You call that progress? Ha!

Jeff Foxworthy: Well see, that would, that would, that would make perfect...

Space Ghost: Ah, your culture's primitive.

Jeff Foxworthy: (shrugs and sighs)

Space Ghost: Moltar, put Jeff in the box.

Jeff Foxworthy: But... (Jeff fades from screen)

(Entire set starts shaking, with rumbling noise)

Space Ghost: Turbulence.

(Shot of Ghost Planet orbiting Earth, entering atmosphere to land)

Space Ghost: Prepare... for... touchdown!

(Ghost Planet plummets over a desert and lands)

(In control room, floor is tilted, Moltar gets up)

Moltar: Where are we? (throws lever, sees Mexican village scene with mariachi music in background) Is this it?

(Exterior shot of Ghost Planet at the end of a huge rut, next to a town)

Moltar: Is this where we're goin'?

Space Ghost: (stretches and takes a deep breath. "Welcome to Tijuana" sign outside his studio window) Finally, I'm getting enough oxygen.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are holding hands outside, looking at the United States border inspection station)

Space Ghost: Just let me do the talking, okay?

Zorak: I wanna go to ????

Space Ghost: Shush!

(Credits roll, with mariachi music still playing)

Space Ghost: You boys know anyone at William Morris?

Voice: The agents, you mean?

Space Ghost: Yeah. I actual, no, I actually got a good referral, but, but, uh, you know, yeah, we'll talk about it later. (BEAT) They don't return calls, do they?

Voice: ????

Space Ghost: I'm sorry?

Jeff Foxworthy
Dave Willis
Michael Cahill
Tom Roche
Sonny Sharrock
Man...or Astro-Man?
Sonny Sharrock
Lance Carter
Eddie Horst
Alfrieda Gerald
Man...or Astro-Man?
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Matt Harrigan
Dave Willis
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
Bret Langefels
James Dansereau
Roy Clements
Mark Coddington
Anne Susan Brown
Nina Bishop
Maya McClure
Natali Tesche-Ricciardi
Michael Lazzo
Aaron Vandemark
Keith Hill
Meagan Clark
Nathan Cook
Peter Siaggis
Lori Erwin
Butch Seibert
Matt Labov
Eric Wachtman
Alex Toth
Chip Duffey
Vishal Roney
Michael Cahill
Jim Fortier
Pete Smith
Dave Willis
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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