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Waiting (with dog barking)

(shot of Earth from space, the Ghost Planet approaches)

(Space Ghost stands in the darkened studio, watching Earth as they approach)

Space Ghost (SG):

Open wide, Lady Liberty. Because Space Ghost is coming to America! Today!

(Opening theme & titles, which transitions to "Stars & Stripes Forever")

SG:

Heh, "open wide", that's gonna slide right by the censors.

Voice (V):

Lady Liberty's not a real person.

SG:

Um...

V:

It's a philosophy.

SG:

Ah...

V:

Let's try that just one more time, all the way through.

SG:

"Space Ghost is coming to America"? Is that the idea here?

V:

And Space Ghost is about to inviso in.

SG:

Okay.

SG:

Because...

SG:

Sorry.

V:

Lovin' this.

V:

Yeah.

SG:

Oh, shut up.

V:

Uh...

V:

Um...

SG:

Max, it's nothin' personal, but...

V:

You wanna take five, you know...

SG:

No, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine, let's just go. (feedback squeal) (sighs)

SG:

Good morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son Space Ghost.

Moltar (M):

Whoa! Looks like we're movin'!

SG:

We are moving, Moltar. To America!

M:

And, uh, why are we doin' that?

SG:

Because all the successful superheroes live in America.

M:

Okay...

SG:

It's really the only thing that keeps me from being the next Superman.

M:

Are you faster than a speeding bullet?

SG:

Well... no, but...

M:

Are you able to leap tall buildings with...

SG:

Moltar, that's not the point. Americaners don't trust foreigners. Especially when they don't live there. That stuff about the melting pond...

M:

Yeah.

SG:

Heh, it hasn't melted. That's a pantload.

Zorak (Z):

(hunched down in his pod) Hey, anybody got a magazine?

SG:

Zorak, what are you doing?

Z:

Oh, just, uh... droppin' the kids off at the pool. (laughs)

SG:

You don't have kids.

Z:

(laughs) I do now. (laughs)

SG:

Well, congratulations?

Z:

Yeah, twins! (laughs)

M:

(reading book titled "Perfidy for Dummies") Well, I ain't goin' to America. They extradite. Most uncool.

SG:

Fine, Zorak and I will go to America, and you can just go back to Russia!

M:

Fine! (walks away from console)

SG:

W-w-wait! B-b-before you go, uh.. is there anything you can do to make this set a little more patriotic?

M:

(walks back to console) I ain't no commie!

SG:

Huh?

M:

Try this. (throws lever)

SG:

Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! Don't hit the wrong button. That puts a weird tone in my head.

M:

(laughs) Sorry. Try this. (set is redecorated in stars & stripes motif, with patriotic background music)

SG:

Yeah! Lovin' this!

M:

This is just a shareware demo. It'll cost fourteen million to actually install.

SG:

These are the colors of my forefathers, Moltar. The men who laid down their lives so that I can have my outer space talk show. (picture of Mount Rushmore, with Space Ghost's face in place of Teddy Roosevelt's) I think it's worth it.

M:

You got fourteen million?

SG:

I was hoping to sign for it.

M:

(laughs) No. (throws lever, decorations disappear and music stops)

SG:

Everything's free in America, Moltar.

Z:

It's a free country?

SG:

That's right, Zorak. (waving flag appears behind Space Ghost, patriotic music plays in background) It's the land of the free, and the home of the free.

Z:

So I get to go free?

SG:

No. (flag disappears, music stops) Now play me to the desk or I'm puttin' you in the box.

Z:

(wide eyed) (whispers) The box?

SG:

That's right. The box.

Z:

(plays Space Ghost to the desk with "When Johnny Comes Marching Home")

SG:

(invisos to desk) Moltar, give me Jeff Foxworthy, or give me death!

M:

Uh... do I get to pick?

SG:

You want to go in the box too? Huh?

M:

No, no, no. Here's, uh, the redneck. (throws lever) Ugly American.

(monitor lowers from ceiling with Jeff)

SG:

Greetings Jeff, welcome to America's fifty-first state, Ghostlahoma.

Jeff Foxworthy (JF):

Thanks, nice to be here.

SG:

The spherical state.

JF:

Uh huh, yeah.

SG:

Do you know who I am?

JF:

I, I've seen you, you know, like, when I'm flippin' channels late at night, but I've never really been interested enough to stop.

SG:

I am United States Ghost, Jeff.

JF:

(laughs)

SG:

America's most patriotic action hero.

JF:

(laughs)

SG:

Please rise and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance. (stands)

M:

I don't wanna be an American! They'll discriminate against me because of my... my metal skin.

SG:

(laughs) Well, who wouldn't, you red outcast?

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

I mean, look at you! You're a garbage can that talks! Look at you! (laughs) Were it me, I would not enter public.

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

Now, show old Larry some respect and take off that helmet.

Z:

(reading a paper) I pledge allegiance...

SG:

Can't hear you.

Z:

... to the flag...

SG:

I totally can't hear you.

Z:

(looks up, louder) I pledge allegiance...

SG:

There you go.

All (A):

(not in unison) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it stands, one nation... (beat)

Z:

One nation...

A:

... under God, with liberty and justice...

JF:

There's an "indivisible".

Z:

... indivisible...

SG:

Yeah, well, I didn't see it. Let's see... (holds up paper) ... for which it stands, one nation under God...

Z:

... indivisible...

SG:

... under God, indivisible, right?

A:

... indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, but Zorak and Moltar.

SG:

Play ball! (laughs)

JF:

(sits down, laughing)

(Bright light washes out the screen)

SG:

Helmet on, Moltar! (light dies down)

Z:

So, uh, how 'bout my freedom, huh?

SG:

(beat) So, Jeff, have any trouble finding the place?

Z:

(while Space Ghost and Jeff are speaking) Hey! Hey!! Where's my freedom?!

JF:

Yeah, well, it was kinda weird, I was comin' down the interstate, and, uh, hit the exit goin' pretty fast, (laughs) and, got airborne, and (shrugs) I'm here.

SG:

(sarcastic) Good one, Jeff. What'd ya take, the mighty Space Shuttle?

JF:

Uh, I drove.

SG:

You drove, huh?

JF:

Well, uh...

SG:

Listen, Jeff, I don't like when people patronize me. Moltar, harvest his skin.

M:

Right on! I was hopin' you'd say that! Hang on, I'll get the peeler. (walks out of control room)

JF:

(looks around in disgust, puts his hand on his brow)

SG:

Nah, I'm just kiddin', Jeff.

M:

(standing by Space Ghost's desk) Alright, I got it.

SG:

(aside) Put the peeler away, Moltar.

M:

Oh, come on!

SG:

No, no. United States Ghost does not believe in cruel and unusual punishment.

M:

It'll just take a second. Just (whish whish whish whish) ...

SG:

(in friendly voice) Moltar! Put the peeler away, or I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you with it. So Jeff, what brings you out to our...

M:

(slaps down paper on Space Ghost's desk) (quietly) I have a picture of you... buddy. (growls, then stomps off stage)

SG:

(nervously) Uh, er, so Jeff, what, um, brings you out to our neck of the universe?

JF:

Uh, this particular trip, I'm just out here to do your show, and then I've gotta go back to, to Earth and pick up my kids at school.

SG:

Zorak has kids. Twins, right?

Z:

Zorak lost count. (evil laugh)

JF:

Do you ever go into the schools and, like, talk to the kids?

SG:

Sure, whatever.

JF:

About...?

SG:

(scribbling) Oh, you know. Politics, horses...

JF:

Politics and horses?

SG:

(looking at his card) Alcoholism...

JF:

Do kids like you?

SG:

(beat) I bet Zorak's kids would like me.

Z:

Well, come on over. (Space Ghost walks over to Zorak's pod) I'll introduce ya.

SG:

Hi gang, your dad bring you into work today? (looks down into a pool of water)

Z:

Oh, it's that awkward stage.

SG:

Uh huh.(to 'kids') Hey, champ! (to Zorak) They seem to be very strong swimmers.

Z:

You wanna hold one?

SG:

Uh, no thank you. You know, kids, your father might not always tell you this, but he loves you very much.

Z:

Say goodbye, kids. (Zorak flushes the 'kids')

SG:

Zorak, no!

Z:

(evil laughter)

SG:

Swim, kids, swim! No, the other way, against the current!

Z:

(more evil laughter)

SG:

You're a bad father. (blasts Zorak right through wall into Moltar's control room)

JF:

You know that the, the people that work here, and I probably should not say this on the air, told me that you weren't right...

SG:

Who said that, Moltar and Zorak? They work for me.

JF:

I know, I know, though, we all know that they work for you, because you bring this up every single week...

SG:

I don't think you understand, Jeff. They.. work.. for me.

Z:

I'm freelance!

SG:

You work for me!

JF:

Yeah, there's a guy that comes and cuts my grass every Thursday, but I don't meet him out there on the lawn going, "You work for me!"

SG:

Yeah, well... I have my own TV show.

JF:

Listen, listen. I had my own show, that doesn't mean that it's good, okay?

SG:

But the difference between your show and my show, is that mine is still on. ('Pomp and Circumstance' begins to play in background) You see, Jeff, this show is a serious program, about serious issues, that face serious everyday Americans. (shot of Zorak playing the keyboard) Their giant piano-playing mantises. Zorak... (music stops) Now Jeff, you claim to be an authority on (reading his card) red necks. Yet I notice that your neck is strangely pale.

JF:

I, well, it's, my definition of redneck has always been, a glorious absence of sophistication.

SG:

So, I might be a redneck.

JF:

Well, that's, that's, that's the joke, is it, you might be.

SG:

But, I've never seen my neck.

JF:

It has nothing to do...

SG:

How do I know what color it is?

JF:

I, I just told you, the definition is, is an absence of sophistication, it has nothing to do with the color of somebody's neck.

SG:

Why don't you just say, "You know you have an absence of sophistication when..."?

JF:

Because it's not funny. (beat) See, that's, they're jokes, I'm a comedian, that's...

SG:

Moltar's red, but he doesn't have a neck. (beat)

JF:

You understand jokes, right?

SG:

Yeah.

(Set starts to shake and creak)

Z:

Hey! Where're we lookin' to park this pig?

SG:

Dothan.

Z:

Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan.

SG:

You're not gonna run naked in the...

Z:

I'm gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan!

SG:

You're not gonna run naked in the streets of Dothan!

Z:

C'mon! You said it was a free country!

SG:

(waving flag in background, with patriotic music) With freedom comes responsibility.

Z:

With freedom comes nudity! (Space Ghost aims his power bands) Hey, I'm an American! I have rights!

SG:

Tell it to the judge. (blasts Zorak) Jeff, you're an American, what is it with you Americans and your obsession with barrels?

JF:

You know, I have, I have to tell you, I've done a, a lot of talk shows, and these are... these are the stupidest questions that I have ever been asked.

SG:

Don't look at me.

JF:

Do you guys do any research or anything about the guest? It just... they're insane questions.

SG:

No, I'll tell you what's insane. (waving flag in background, with patriotic music again) Using la- (looks up distracted by the music; it stops, flag goes away also) Using laser beams for optometry. You call that progress? Ha!

JF:

Well see, that would, that would, that would make perfect...

SG:

Ah, your culture's primitive.

JF:

(shrugs and sighs)

SG:

Moltar, put Jeff in the box.

JF:

But... (Jeff fades from screen)

(Entire set starts shaking, with rumbling noise)

SG:

Turbulence.

(Shot of Ghost Planet orbiting Earth, entering atmosphere to land)

SG:

Prepare... for... touchdown!

(Ghost Planet plummets over a desert and lands)

(In control room, floor is tilted, Moltar gets up)

M:

Where are we? (throws lever, sees Mexican village scene with mariachi music in background) Is this it?

(Exterior shot of Ghost Planet at the end of a huge rut, next to a town)

M:

Is this where we're goin'?

SG:

(stretches and takes a deep breath. "Welcome to Tijuana" sign outside his studio window) Finally, I'm getting enough oxygen.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are holding hands outside, looking at the United States border inspection station)

SG:

Just let me do the talking, okay?

Z:

I wanna go to ????

SG:

Shush!

(Credits roll, with mariachi music still playing)

SG:

You boys know anyone at William Morris?

V:

The agents, you mean?

SG:

Yeah. I actual, no, I actually got a good referral, but, but, uh, you know, yeah, we'll talk about it later. (BEAT) They don't return calls, do they?

V:

????

SG:

I'm sorry?

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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