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Waiting (for a really really long time)

(Zorak is riding on Space Ghost's shoulders)

Zorak (Z):

Yah! Yah!

Space Ghost (SG):

Hang on, Zorak, hang -

Waiting (again briefly)

(In control room, Moltar throws the lever, a black and white photo of a bald man wearing a tie appears on monitor, followed by a test pattern with a "7", followed by Denis Leary)

Denis Leary (DL):

Moltar, how are ya?

Moltar (M):

This is how I am, Denis. (pulls lever) I'm destroying the planet. (klaxon siren in background)

DL:

Get outta here.

M:

Yeah. And I'm havin' a sale, too.

Voice (V):

Seven minutes, twenty seven seconds until total devastation.

M:

Whattya think about that?

DL:

Now you, you overstep your, your boundaries when it comes to power.

M:

How about a free kick in the throat?

DL:

See what I'm saying?

M:

(throws lever, sends Denis to the studio monitor) Bah! (laughs)

SG:

(invisos in to control room) Moltar, are you trying to destroy the - Oooh! Are you having another Total Devastation sale? (looks at sign:)

Total Devastation SALE!! Take an additional 30% off all men's outerwear!

M:

Yup! Everything must go.

SG:

I don't have any money! (punches Moltar in the face)

(Moltar and Space Ghost proceed to punch each other rock'em sock'em style)

(In the studio; Denis is already on the monitor)

Z:

Wow! Denis Leary! I've seen all your movies!

DL:

Thank you, thank you.

Z:

I didn't think they were very good. (Beat) What'd you think?

(In the control room; Space Ghost is lying on the floor, Moltar is standing on his back)

SG:

Ooh! Get off my back!

M:

(laughs, hops onto his head) Ooh, sorry! (laughs)

SG:

My head! This is going in your file! (invisos out, Moltar drops to the floor)

(In the studio)

SG:

(invisos in) Hello! I'm Space Ghost!

Z:

And I'm Zorak.

SG:

Nobody cares who you are, Zorak.

Z:

(BEAT) Man, you're wrong about that.

SG:

(Beat) Okay, okay, everybody pipe down. Guest is here, it's interview time. (invisos to desk while Zorak plays cheesy funky organ music; Space Ghost plays with his inviso control, fading in and out for about fifteen seconds, until music stops)

SG:

I like that that happened. (Beat) I'm gonna do that again. (Music starts again, Space Ghost resumes invisoing in and out) (moans) Denis...

DL:

Hi, how are ya?

SG:

(still invisoing in and out) Good, good, and you?

DL:

Oh, okay, good.

SG:

Mmmm. (finally finishes invisoing in) (sighs) Ah, there we are. Denis, are you a leprechaun?

DL:

No, there's no such thing as leprechauns. (sips water)

SG:

Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.

DL:

Mm hm.

SG:

(looks at his card) Okay then... well, that's all I got. We done here?

Z:

(NODS)

DL:

Uh, I have one question for you, have you ever thought of taking a vacation and - (Space Ghost is walking towards Zorak's pod) You're not listenin'.

SG:

(to Zorak) Say, what's this thing?

Z:

Don't touch it, it's mine!

SG:

When did you get this?

Z:

I've had it.

SG:

(presses a keyboard key, a riff plays) You didn't tell me this was a synthesizer! (plays a few other keys) It has samples! Hey, get out of there, scoot over!

Z:

Hey, quit, quit shovin'!

SG:

Mine! My turn!

Z:

Jerk!

SG:

(sitting in pod; he sings his lines while he plays a melody on the keyboard) 'Hey Denis, what brings you to these parts?'

DL:

Uhhhh... you asked me to appear on the show, so I -

SG:

I did? Oh yeah! (sings and plays) 'I did, didn't I?'

DL:

I'm actually doing this as a sort of a, uh, a payback for my kids, 'cause they're big fans of your show. I don't really watch the show, and I'm not really a big fan, I don't think you're that funny, quite frankly.

SG:

(sings and plays) 'Not that funny, eh?'

DL:

Well, my kids watch the show, so I'm on the show 'cause it'll please my kids.

SG:

(sings and plays) 'So the feelings of your stupid kids are more important than mine.'

DL:

Yeah.

SG:

(stops playing, walks over to studio monitor) Who do you think you are?

DL:

I think the universe knows who I am, Space Ghost.

SG:

Then who do you think the universe knows I am, Denis?

DL:

Space Ghost, and I'm Denis Leary, of course. Master of the universe.

SG:

(sitting at desk) (laughs) Master?! I know one or two guys who might disagree with you. (whispers) Master!

DL:

Like who?

SG:

Yoda.

DL:

Okay, who else, on the list?

SG:

(Beat) Star wars.

DL:

Okay, so let's say that I'm, uh... master of the -

SG:

You're sure you're not a leprechaun?

DL:

(Beat) I'm too tall to be a leprechaun.

SG:

Okay, okay. 'Cause I was gonna say, you're the worst leprechaun that we've ever had on the show.

DL:

Look, look, here's the bottom line...

SG:

Ho- hold on. (flies off)

DL:

(to Zorak) You have Madonna's new album?

Z:

(hisses)

DL:

Somebody's buyin' it.

(In the control room, Lokar is on Moltar's monitor)

Lokar (L):

Have you any dangerously sequinned hot pants?

M:

Um... no.

L:

Perchance a scented thong?

M:

I have some underwear that's scented, but... I don't think it's what you're lookin' for.

L:

Oh... gorgeous!

(In the studio, Space Ghost bounds back to his chair, sporting a crude drawn-on mustache)

SG:

(whispers) Hey, Denis! (normal Voice) Notice anything... different?

DL:

Nope.

SG:

About my face?

DL:

We don't really care.

SG:

Hey, Zorak.

Z:

(sporting a toucan beak)

SG:

(Beat) (sighs) Anybody else have any questions for Denis? (Beat) Anyone? Anyone? (mustache is gone) Anyone?

M:

(marches out, slams cards down on Space Ghost's desk) Try this one.

SG:

(reading card) "Nice jacket Fonzie." (to Moltar) And you want me to say this?

M:

(nods)

SG:

Out loud. To Denis.

M:

Go on.

SG:

I don't think so.

M:

(groans in disgust) Sit on it! (walks off stage)

DL:

Hey, lay off.

SG:

That's my arch-enemy, Denis.

DL:

Mm hm.

SG:

Who are your arch-enemies? And don't say me.

DL:

You.

SG:

(does spit take on camera lens; audience laughs) Me?! (spits again, audience laughs again) Me?!?! (laughs) One more... (spits again, this time it's blood; audience gasps) Uh oh. (gulps)

DL:

Aside from you, uh... Dr. Katz, another animated figure.

SG:

Why don't you just launch him into the deep recesses of space?

DL:

If I could.

SG:

Oh, that's right, you're a smoker.

DL:

Who's the last person you, you've launched into the deep recesses of... of space?

SG:

My friend Edward.

DL:

Why couldn't you do that with, say, Celine Dion?

SG:

Oh no, I don't think Edward would approve of that.

DL:

Not extremely powerful, I must say. (sips water)

SG:

(Beat) I beat up Charlton Heston once.

DL:

When?

SG:

Over the holidays.

DL:

In your one-dimensional world, you beat up Charlton Heston.

SG:

Yeah, I hit him over the head with some books.

DL:

So, you're actually bragging about beating up a man who must be in his late eighties, is that correct?

SG:

Uh, late eighties, early nineties.

(In the control room, Brak is on Moltar's monitor)

Brak (B):

You have any farmer stuff?

M:

No.

B:

You have any astronaut stuff?

M:

Uh...

B:

You have any melba toast? 'Cause that's what I want.

M:

(trying to break in) I got - (sighs)

B:

I'd also like an army of rabbits, some tar, a glass hat, a book about lightning, a magical fortress made of rainbows...

M:

(trying to interrupt) Brak... Brak... Brak!!!

B:

Yes?

M:

How're you gonna pay for all this?

B:

With rocks.

M:

(shouts) I hope you die before your wedding!

B:

What? I'm not gettin' mar- (Moltar throws lever, sending him away)

(In the studio)

SG:

I guess my greatest fear would be to find myself hopelessly attracted to one of my coworkers.

(Camera zooms back to show Zorak sitting on Space Ghost's lap)

SG:

What are you doing?

Z:

That'll be ten dollars.

SG:

Get off!

Z:

(bounds away) You can owe me.

SG:

Denis, what's your greatest fear?

DL:

Probably, having to have my own... show on prime cable.

SG:

Hey, do you wanna move in with me?

DL:

No thank you.

SG:

Well, then how would you like to help out around the set?

DL:

Naw, that's okay.

SG:

You sure?

DL:

Yep!

SG:

Maybe you could overcome your fears.

DL:

I really have a packed schedule.

SG:

We've got some exclusive interviews coming up.

DL:

Yeah, I've got - with who?

SG:

(Beat) My friend Edward.

DL:

Yeah? And who else?

SG:

Um...

Z:

Denis Leary.

SG:

That's right, Denis Leary, thank you Zorak.

DL:

Mm hm.

Z:

You can owe me.

SG:

Lots of big names.

DL:

Yup.

SG:

Big stuff going on here. (taps cards)

Z:

Hey! Weren't we supposed to blow -

(BLAM!!!!!)

(Music starts, then slows down and stops)

Later... at camp

(Four kids are sitting on the ground in a field, Space Ghost stands in their midst)

SG:

And so, kids, that's the story of how I saved Christmas. (angrily) Now get back to work, ya fat humps!!

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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