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(An Italian-speaking Space Ghost invisos onto set. Speaks Italian. The real Space Ghost walks up to him)

Space Ghost (SG):

Okay, off you go.

(Italian-speaking invisos out. The real looks at Zorak, who is grinning with a mouth full of teeth.)

SG:

When'd you get teeth?

Zorak (Z):

(through teeth) Ya like 'em?

SG:

No, I don't like 'em.

(Space Ghost walks over to Zorak and punches him in the mouth)

Z:

Agh! Agh Agh!

SG:

I like that.

Z:

Agh Agh!

SG:

They look better on the floor.

(Zorak spits teeth at Space Ghost)

SG:

Hey Zorak! You made a mess on the floor there, buddy.

(As Space Ghost walks back to set, Zorak follows him holding a folding chair)

Z:

Hey! (off-camera Boom is heard) That's for knockin' my teeth out!

(Space Ghost walks back over to Zorak; off-camera punch followed by Zorak chasing Space Ghost with the chair again. As a high-speed chase ensues back and forth, the guest monitor lowers)

Taylor Hanson (TH):

Where's the love in this room?

SG:

Hanson! Wooo!

TH:

There's no bondage.

Isaac Hanson (IH):

Where's the love, man?

SG:

Ha, now you boys have teeth, don't ya?

TH:

What?

SG:

Look at that! Three boys with teeth! And hair. Beautiful girl hair.

TH:

What are you trying to say?

SG:

The little one looks like Claudia Schiffer.

(Zachary Hanson flips hair around)

Taylor Handon (TH):

Wow.

IH:

Wow.

Zachary Hanson (ZH):

Can I be your co-host?

SG:

All Righty.

(Zachary Hanson keeps flipping hair)

SG:

Let's comb it.

Moltar (M):

That would rule!

Z:

Yeah, you can comb it WITH MY FRICKIN' TEETH!

(Space Ghost flies over for an off-camera attack on Zorak)

SG:

Take a little of this with ya! (incoherent struggling)...like a lobster!

(A beeper sounds)

Z:

Oh, that's me. Um, I gotta take this. (he lowers himself beneath circular keyboard)

SG:

Anyone have a comb? Who's got a comb?

M:

I think I got a rake.

SG:

Ah.

M:

If that helps.

SG:

No, we need a comb.

M:

It's really sharp.

(Zorak is heard babbling off-camera)

SG:

Go buy a comb.

(Moltar is reading a book)

M:

Um, all right. I'll do it in five minutes.

SG:

Moltar, just go buy a comb.

M:

I'll do it! In five minutes.

SG:

Wait! I've got it! Construct a robot, name it "Orlando" and program it to go purchase a comb for Hanson.

M:

I'll get right on that.

SG:

An unbreakable comb.

(Zorak returns)

Z:

Uh, we got a Wet-Vac?

SG:

Are you gold brickin'?

Z:

What does it look like I'm doing?

IH:

I like it when, when Zorak gets blown up.

SG:

Is that what Hanson wants? Then let me make it about to happen.

(Space Ghost walks over to Zorak. off-camera sounds of something being inflated are heard. The camera shows zorak puffed up like a balloon)

SG:

You look like a big blowfish! (laughs)

Hanson (H):

(collective laugh)

SG:

Ha ha! Maybe I should call you "Hootie"! Ha ha ha!

H:

(collective groan)

TH:

Maybe.

SG:

Okay! Now he dies!

TH:

No, I want to be shot! Please!

SG:

So, you like the lasers, do ya?

ZH:

Yes!!! (RAISES HANDS OVER HIS HEAD)

SG:

All righty!

TH:

Yeah, can you get us too? Get... just shoot us all three.

IH:

No, no, no. I'm gonna...I'm gonna move.

SG:

I'm gonna do the trick shot, Moltar. Check this out!

(Moltar continues reading)

SG:

Hey, remember how cool it was the last time? When I did the trick shot?

(Zorak deflates and flies away from keyboard)

SG:

All right, screw it! (to Hanson) Now don't go tellin' your dad on me!

(Space Ghost blasts Zachary right in the stomach)

ZH:

OH GOD, IT HURTS!!!

TH:

That looks like fun.

SG:

Now comes pain.

(Blasts Zachary in stomach again)

ZH:

Oh!! Yes!! Oh, higher!!! Please!!!

SG:

Is this legal?

(Zachary collapses onto floor)

SG:

Walk it off, Zach. Walk it off.

IH:

Oooh!!

TH:

Oh man. Maybe you should use the eleven.

SG:

You want yours now, young man?

TH:

C'mon!

(Space Ghost blasts Taylor in the stomach)

TH:

Okay, a little lower. Little lower. Little lower.

SG:

You don't want it lower. Heh heh. Zorak, take a picture of us.

(Zorak deflates and falls behind keyboard)

SG:

Oh wait, I want Orlando in the picture! Orlando? Where's Orlando?

Z:

That was fun. Blow me up again!

SG:

Orlando!

Z:

Blow me up again!

SG:

Orlando!

Z:

C'mon, I like it!

SG:

We're waiting!

Z:

Blow me up! Blow me up again!

SG:

Don't you want your picture taken with Hanson?

Z:

C'mon! Blow me-- (Space Ghost blasts Zorak again) Aggghh!!

SG:

Moltar, where's Orlando?

M:

Oh, uh, you know what? I made him, but then he was...bad-mouthin'...you all over the set. So I exiled him from the building.

SG:

Heads-up thinking, Moltar. Come down here for your reward.

(Moltar sees Space Ghost ready to blast, then Space Ghost quickly moves hands. Moltar pauses, then walks onto set)

M:

You guys, you shouldn't have-- (Space Ghost starts smacking Moltar)

SG:

Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!

M:

Well, I...

SG:

Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Where do you get off?

M:

It wadn't like that.

SG:

Oh, I'm just kiddin'. It's just my little way of promoting you!

M:

Really?

SG:

Yep! You're the new vice president of this general area except for my desk! And, uh, take care of your brother while we're gone.

M:

Where are you goin'?

SG:

Where do you think? To get these boys a comb! Come on, Hanson! Let's go camping!

(Scene transitions to Space Ghost and monitor with Hanson around campfire)

SG:

And his whole head was made of bacon!

ZH:

Oh, man!

SG:

(laughing) Oh, that was a good one. Hey, you boys ever hear the story of The Oasis of the Headless Mad Comber of Comb Mountain?

(A wolf howl)

H:

No.

SG:

Shh! You hear that?

(Owl hooting)

SG:

Crickets. (blasts, followed by an off-camera scream) Legend has it you can hear him, (off-camera scream) every night about this time. Sharpening his comb. His pink, plastic comb. Asking his victims, "Part on the right, or the left?" Hooks for feet...

TH:

No...

SG:

Hooks for feet! Eyes made of wood. Combing. Combing. Harder and harder until you were dead!

H:

(groaning)

SG:

Ones say he just disappeared. Others say he's still here. Combing. Combing. Combing! (pulls out comb) Oh no! Oh no!

(Hanson sits quietly)

SG:

Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom.

H:

No! No! No! No!

SG:

In my apartment.

IH:

Yes, of course.

(Transition to Space Ghost's apartment)

SG:

So how's about this for a crib?

H:

Whoa! (all three praise and bow to Space Ghost)

SG:

I like it. Hey look! My show's on!

(The TV screen shows Space Ghost's set in flames with Zorak running back and forth, quickly replaced by a "Please Stand-By" slate depicting Moltar holding a fire extinguisher)

SG:

We should probably... go back there.

(Transition to Space Ghost and Hanson in Phantom Cruiser)

SG:

I love driving you boys around. Driving Hanson comes naturally to me.

IH:

I think "Space Ghost" sounds really kind of cool, you know?

TH:

You know, this entire show he's been talking about how awesome Space Ghost...you are.

IH:

I, I'm sucking up.

TH:

He's just, he's suckin' up. I think...

IH:

I wanna, I, I wanna, I wanna...

SG:

I guess I really ought to be watching where we're going, but I'm not.

IH:

Do we get a, a cool invisible thing that makes us invisible?

ZH:

Like one of those belts things?

SG:

Seatbelts? Those are for nerds. You boys aren't nerds, are ya? 'Cause this ain't the nerd taxi.

Automated Voice (AV):

Obstruction alert!

SG:

Driving is so boring. Let's sing a song.

AV:

Collision imminent.

IH:

You need to be more parental.

TH:

Parental?

IH:

Sometimes.

TH:

No he doesn't. He's Space Ghost.

SG:

Yeah, mind your own business, Isaac.

IH:

Okay. On second thought.

ZH:

What were you thinking, man?

SG:

C'mon, get us rolling.

(Hanson starts singing)

H:

A boom boom boom boom Space Ghost! A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR! A boom boom boom boom ZORAK! A boom boom boom boom SPACE GHOST!

SG:

Hanson!

H:

A boom boom boom boom SPACE GHOST!

SG:

SPACE GHOST!

H:

A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR!

SG:

SPACE GHOST!

H:

A boom boom...

SG:

SPACE GHOST!

TH:

Agh, that's a horrible song!

SG:

Keep singing!

H:

A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR!

SG:

MOLTAR!

H:

A boom boom boom boom ZORAK!

SG:

ZORAK! A boom boom boom boom WATCH OUT!

(The cruiser collides with an old lady wielding a wand)

H:

Whoa!!!

TH:

Oh, God!

SG:

Aggghhh!!!!!

(Cruiser catches fire as Space Ghost and Hanson are thrown into space)

SG:

Well, that's upsetting.

TH:

This is not good, okay.

SG:

You boys have to go.

IH:

Be careful. That, that's a dangerous weapon that you have on there.

SG:

You saw me hit that old lady. And I can't have this on my record.

IH:

Oh, bad idea.

TH:

How about we just run and you can...

IH:

We'll, we'll, we'll teleport out of here.

SG:

We're not running anywhere, Taylor.

TH:

What are you trying to say?

SG:

What I'm trying to say is, "A boom boom boom boom GOOD-BYE!"

(Space Ghost blasts Hanson)

H:

Aggh!!! Good-bye world!

(Space Ghost arrives back on set)

SG:

Hey, what happened to the-?

M:

It's out.

SG:

What about-?

M:

It's fixed.

SG:

Eh, good. Good.

M:

Where's Hanson?

SG:

Eh, how should I know?

M:

Well, you had 'em!

SG:

Oh! Han-son! Yeah, we got that comb!

M:

Yeah? And?

SG:

Oh, and, uh, then I took 'em home to be with their dad.

M:

Then why is he on the phone looking for 'em? At his house?

SG:

Hang up.

(Phone hangs up, then rings again)

M:

It's Daddy!

SG:

Moltar, how can I talk to Mr. Hanson after I just mowed down the Tooth Fairy?

M:

Why would he care? He don't even know the Tooth Fairy!

SG:

Maybe because I hurled his sons into space to dispose of them because they were witnesses? Ya think he might care about that, Moltar? Do ya?

M:

You sure she's dead?

SG:

Uh, yeah.

M:

Can never tell.

SG:

She was on fire, Moltar. You know, fire?

(Space Ghost has giant bags of human teeth in front of his desk)

Z:

Hey, are those your teeth?

SG:

They are now.

Z:

Gimme those teeth!

SG:

Why?

Z:

So I can get into clubs.

SG:

You don't go to clubs.

Z:

Because I don't have any teeth!

(Santa descends from the ceiling)

Santa (S):

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

M:

It's Santa!

S:

Christmas isn't about getting into clubs, Zorak!

M:

Hi Santa!! Didja get my letter?

S:

Space Ghost! You've destroyed the Tooth Fairy.

SG:

Nuh-uh!

S:

I know when you've been bad and good, and you've been very good! I've been trying to kill her myself for years! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!!

M:

But why, Santa? Why?

S:

So that I could be the Tooth Fairy, Moltar. Then Santa could use all the little children's teeth to make bizarre and twisted toys for Santa's own amusement! Ho ho ho ho ho!!!

SG:

(thinking to himself) That doesn't sound like the Santa I know.

S:

(in evil voice) Because I'm not the Santa you know! I'm Bizarro Santa! From the Electroid Dimension!

(Santa transforms into a freakishly evil creature. Meanwhile, the Tooth Fairy appears)

M:

Hey! The Tooth Fairy!

SG:

Agh! Zombie!

M:

All right!

SG:

Hey, I mowed you over!

Tooth Fairy (TF):

No, Space Ghost. You destroyed a robot built to look like me.

Bizarro Santa (BS):

Okay.

TF:

Bizarro Santa has been trying to kill me for years.

BS:

Ho ho ho-oh Tannebaum! You gonna believe that fairy tale? Trust in me. I'm the good one.

TF:

No, Space Ghost! I'm the good one!

BS:

Ho ho ho! Silence! (Bizarro Santa throws the Tooth Fairy across the set with his tail)

SG:

Oh no!

(Zorak hops across the set toward the bags of teeth)

BS:

Ho ho ho! Give me the teeth!

TF:

But I paid for them!

BS:

I have plans for those teeth!

Z:

Lemme just grab a handful.

TF:

They belong to me!

Z:

For the clubs!

BS:

You'll never get into a club!

Z:

What if I have a date?

(The Tooth Fairy zaps the teeth and carries them off)

Z:

Gimme those teeth!

(Zorak, the Tooth Fairy and Bizarro Santa all float around the set, shouting incoherently at each other)

SG:

All right, everybody! Just hold on a second!

(All are silent)

SG:

What happened?

(Credits roll. Under credits we hear:)

Italian-Speaking Space Ghost (ISG):

(speaking Italian)

SG:

Take a hike, Louie.

ISG:

Ah, Space Ghost, why you sit there with the power bands... you try to make me mad? Why can't you just be nice?

SG:

Hey look! There's Frank Sinatra!

ISG:

Soon, Space Ghost, we will go to war.

SG:

Okey-doke. Bye now.

(Italian Space Ghost mumbling)

Z:

No, no! It's gotta be heated! Heat it up!

© 1999 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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