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(Exterior of "Spacecatraz Prison")

Space Ghost (SG):

I can't believe this. ("Exposition" appears on bottom of screen) Me. Space Ghost. Hero to millions, stuck here in space prison like some common thug while my show's about to go on without me. All because I mistreated my former teen sidekicks, Jan and Jace, and allegedly assaulted my current sidekick-slash-bandleader, Zorak, in that "Lawsuit" episode.

(Transition to prison guard)

Cyclo (C):

CYCLO LIVES!

SG:

Mind your own business, you common thug!

(The Tra La La Girls from "The Banana Splits" are singing and playing guitars on a tv in the prison. As they sing their scary song the camera zooms crazily in and out, which then switches to "Coast to Coast" opening titles)

C:

Hey! Cyclo was watching that! Cyclo lives for that program!

SG:

Watch your lice, you little dip! My show's on now! (TV switches back to the Tra La La Girls) Gimme that!

C:

Give Cyclo the remote! (TV switches back to "Coast to Coast") Cyclo doesn't like this at all! (audience boos off-camera; TV switches back to the Tra La La Girls, prompting laughs from audience)

SG:

Try gettin' it back, mister! (TV again switches to "C2C"; audience boos)

C:

Cyclo must have the remote! (TV switches back to children; audience laughs)

SG:

You want ya some? (TV switches back to "C2C"; audience boos) Then come get ya some!

C:

Cyclo will come get him some! (TV switches back to children; audience cheers) Cyclo will enact his revenge! (TV switches back to "C2C"; audience boos)

SG:

Everybody shut up or I'll whup ya like it's the 60s all over again! (watches "C2C") Set looks strangely bright.

(Birdman flies onto set)

Birdman (B):

(singing) Birrrrrd...man!

SG:

Birdman? (in background, TV changes to the children singing again) I thought David Brenner was supposed to be the guest Host!

Zorak (Z):

Hey, where's David?

Moltar (M):

Eh, he blew up in the airlock.

B:

Oh. I thought those were beets. Mashed beets.

M:

(laughs) Should I run a mop through it?

Z:

Nah. Let's track him all over.

(Evil laughing from Moltar and Zorak)

B:

Uh, ok. Well, let's get things started. Um...Greetings citizens! Uh, thanks for tuning in folks. I'm, uh, (singing) Birrrrrd...ma- (starts coughing). Sorry. I'm a bit woozy. I was selling plas...uh, I mean, uh, donating blood when I got the call to fill in for, you know who: the criminal.

(Laughing from those watching TV inside space prison)

SG:

Let he who hath not assaulted his teenage sidekicks cast the first stone.

(Silence from Cyclo)

SG:

That's what I thought.

B:

The producers have been good enough to move the Ghost Planet closer to the sun so I can use its life-giving, golden rays to bring you exciting, razz-ma-tazz showbiz, um, excitement.

(Rimshot from Wayouts drummer, Christie)

Z:

Meet the new boss.

M:

Dumb as the old boss.

B:

And if, uh, my wife is watching, I just wanted to say, "Honey, I love you. I'm better now. Come home, baby."

Z:

Yeah, come get some.

B:

Wha...? Okay. So, I'm going over there.

(Drumroll from Christie)

B:

I could use an adult beverage. How long 'til the break?

M:

(reading a book) No breaks for you, chump.

B:

Hmmmm. Story of my life. Ummm...I'd like to give a bright and shiny welcome to my very first guests...ummmm...

M:

The Captain and...

B:

The Captain and the Tennille. Welcome to my show.

(The Captain plays keyboard)

Toni Tennille (TT):

Thank you!

B:

So which one of you is The Captain anyway?

TT:

(laughing) He is.

Z:

(taunting) Daa-ryl!

M:

Daa-ryl!

The Captain (TC):

Do you buy these masks at junk shops, that you're wearing, by the way?

Zorak and Moltar (ZAM):

Daa-ryl! Daa-ryl!

TT:

Honey, that's not a mask. That's him.

B:

I'm not sure I follow.

TC:

That's probably because of four-thousand billion light years between us.

ZAM:

Daar-ryl! Daa-ryl!

B:

Well, actually, it's because... (to Zorak and Moltar) Why are you chanting "Daryl"?

Z:

It's his name!

M:

Daryl Dragon.

B:

Oh. That's clever. (pause) DAA-RYL!

ZAM:

Daa-ryl! Daa-ryl!

(All three chant "Daa-ryl" as The Captain improvises on his keyboard)

B:

I really love that "Muskrat" song.

Z:

DAA-RYL!

B:

My wife Slyvia and I, it was our song. She left me, you know.

Z:

DAA-RYL!

TC:

Boy, that's...

TT:

That's tough!

B:

I've tried everything to get her back. I don't know what to do.

Z:

I would.

TC:

If you don't give each other, a little space, your relationship won't last.

B:

I give her at least 100 yards, as per court order.

(Set breaks into laughter)

B:

(singing) Syl-via! Come back! Come back!

SG:

That's the last straw! I've got to get my bleeding chat show back from that bloke!

C:

What are you doing, Space Ghost?

SG:

(holds up power bands) I'm breaking out of this wretched hive of scum and villainy!

C:

Where did Space Ghost get those power bands?

SG:

I fashioned them from my own by-products. Come touch them. They're still warm.

C:

Cyclo will pass.

(Space Ghost blasts out of prison)

SG:

Bye-bye, my love. (flies back to Ghost Planet) And now to the Ghost Planet to take back what is rightfully mine!

(Space Ghost flies. And he flies. And he flies. This way. That way. We see various terrain in the background.)

SG:

Okay, I'm lost.

(Transition to set)

TT:

Respect each other's opinions...

M:

Hey, Birdman!

TT:

And you have to, uh...

M:

Your wife's on the phone!

TT:

...listen to each other...

B:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Moltar! Put her on! (Moltar switches picture) Sweetie! Galaxy Pie! I was just talking about you!

Galaxy Girl a.k.a. Sylvia (GGAS):

Hello, Harvey.

B:

Did you get my messages? I'm sorry I had to bird-call collect.

GGAS:

Harvey (whistles) Down boy.

B:

Um, okay. Hi.

GGAS:

So, um, how's Avenger?

B:

He, um, flew away.

GGAS:

Is that right?

B:

Look, I've, I've got a show again. A whole show! You always said they'd be crazy to give the Birdman a show again, but here I am with a show! Can I come home now, can I?

GGAS:

Oh no, Harvey.

Z:

At least let him use the shower!

GGAS:

(screaming) A cockroach! Gravity ray! (Sylvia zaps Zorak, who starts floating toward the ceiling)

Z:

Agh! Help! Help! Hey! The ceiling fan! (Zorak shakes upside down, apparently hitting the fan)

(Space Ghost touches down on the planet of the Herculoids, Quasar. Igoo the rock ape sees Space Ghost and growls.)

SG:

Hey! (whistle) Hey boy! C'mon! Over here! (Igoo continues to growl) Rock monkey, wanna peanut?

(Igoo hits Space Ghost in the head with rock)

SG:

Ow!

Zandor (Z):

Go away, Space Ghost! We don't want your kind in our idyllic alien home world!

SG:

Aw, c'mon, Zandor! All I want is directions. And a perogi.

(The Herculoids, Gloop and Gleep, and Igoo pelt Space Ghost with rocks)

SG:

Ow! Hey! Hey! Quit it, you hippies!

Dorno (D):

Get lost, you creep. We saw what you did to Jan and Jace!

(Gloop and Gleep are pretty riled as well. They bob up and down frantically.)

Gloop and Gleep (GAG):

(subtitles) Space Loaf! Space Loaf! Next time we'll bury you!

SG:

Rotten hippie monster commune! After Birdman, you're next!

(Wipe transition back to set)

GGAS:

Look, Harvey. I didn't exactly call to chat. I need you to sign the papers.

B:

Papers? What papers?

GGAS:

The divorce papers, Harvey. Remember those? The ones you were supposed to sign months ago?

B:

Baby, don't make me sign the papers. I'm better now, I swear. Space Ghost is out. The Birdman is in!

GGAS:

You just don't get it, do you? It's over, Harvey! I'm sorry, I need to get on with my life! So I need you to sign the papers now!

B:

Galaxy Girl, please! I'll straighten up and fly right, I swear!

(Zorak floats above desk)

B:

I'll stop gambling. I'll go back to therapy. I'll try harder to clean up my droppings.

GGAS:

Harvey, s-stop it! You're embarrassing yourself in front of the Super Villains. Besides, you know Falcon 7 is the man in my life now.

B:

Huh? Falcon 7?! That beak-stabbing traitor. What's he got that I haven't got?

Z:

Your wife.

GGAS:

Plus, Falcon 7's a real gentleman, who knows how to treat a lady with class and respect.

(Falcon 7 appears on Moltar's monitor)

Falcon 7 (F7):

So, Moltar. Ever make it with a chick who can defy the laws of gravity?

M:

Yes! Many times!

GGAS:

Look, Harvey. Don't make this harder on yourself.

B:

(heavy sigh) Oh, all right. I give up. Go have your stupid happy little life without the Birdman.

GGAS:

You mean you'll sign the papers?

B:

Whatever you want, dearest.

GGAS:

Heh, fantastic! Once you're done, steal a stamp and send them to my lawyer, Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare (DN):

(off-camera) Attorney at Law!!

B:

(dropping his head onto the desk) Galaxy Girl...

GGAS:

Okay! Bye, Bye Birdie! (monitor goes to static)

B:

(crying) I...I know the sun's shining, but it feels so cold. Please somebody, won't somebody just hold me?

(Zorak is lifted out of his seat to reveal he is sitting on Space Ghost's shoulders as SG pops up from under keyboard)

SG:

What in the name of the coefficient of the speed of light multiplied by the red shift to the hypotenuse of the nth root...hypotenuse...hypotenuse...

Z:

Nobody gets you.

SG:

Neils Bohr gets me.

B:

But, you're supposed to be in jail!

SG:

(now standing on the set) Yeah, and you're supposed to be Dumpster-diving for ham scraps, you six-piece Chicken McNobody! Get outta my seat!

B:

Make me!

SG:

Destructo-ray!

B:

Solar shield and solar ray!

SG:

Hamster tube!

B:

Hamster tube?

SG:

And hamster ray!

B:

Sarin gas!

SG:

Sarin? Whoa, hold on a second. Time out!

(Space Ghost walks up to Birdman, then blasts him in the forehead)

SG:

Time in!

(Captain and Tennille start singing "Muskrat Love" in guest monitor as Space Ghost and Birdman fight off-camera)

B:

Atomic wreck!

SG:

Yow! My spacesicle! Nerple! Nerple! (??)

TT:

Muskrat, muskrat...

B:

Ow! Atomic lithium!

SG:

It's time to take a bird bath, bird-brain!

B:

Get off of me! (off-camera punches)

(Captain and Tennille continue to sing)

SG:

Destructo ray! (more fighting) Ow! Hey! Knock it off!

M:

Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to listen here!

SG:

Forgive me, Birdman. I've been rash. I've misjudged you, my friend.

(Space Ghost, Birdman, Moltar and Zorak walk up to monitor)

TT:

(singing) Sam is so skinny...and they're whirl and they twirl and tangle. Singing and jinging and jangled. Floatin' like the heavens above... Sing along!

All (A):

(and very badly) Looks like Muskrat Luuuuu-uuu-uuuhhve!

TT:

And that's it!

(Captain snaps fingers as title card appears and credits roll)

(over credits)

TT:

Thank you.

SG:

I love you, Birdman.

(Credits finish)

(Old man wearing a sleeping cap sits up in bed and talks directly into the camera)

Kirk the Storyteller (KTS):

The nightmares. They're relentless! And they're all coming from space!

© 1999 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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