Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

Space Ghost (SG):

(yawns)

Jerry Springer (JS):

(yawns) (Moltar throws the switch.)

Moltar (M):

Okay!

SG:

(waking up) Geez!

Zorak (Z):

Ow!

M:

We're outta time.

SG:

Okay.

(Credits for "Brilliant Number Three - 44c" begin)

(In Moltar's monitor:
Guest Star Jerry Springer
Written by Bill Faulkner)

M:

And...we're clear.

SG:

Well, that wadn't very good.

JS:

I'm sorry.

SG:

Oh no, it's all right. Really. You're just not very good.

JS:

(looks confused) No. I'm loving...

(The Williams Street bell from the credits can be heard in the background)

JS:

...cuddly...

Z:

Ha-ha. You really mailed that one in.

SG:

Huh?

M:

Aren't there usually questions and answers, or am I just wrong about that?

SG:

I just keep thinking about last week's show. It had everything. Action, girls, kung-fu sex...

Z:

Eruptions from your mouth...

SG:

Shut up, mantis!

Z:

Pfft!

SG:

I'll spin your head off so fast it'll travel back in time!! (echoing) To a period when bugs wore suits and opened doors while saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please."

Z:

Um, I have no response to that.

(In the monitor, Jerry Springer is making a goofy face)

SG:

It's like working with children, Jerry.

JS:

Yeah.

SG:

Green ones.

JS:

Well, are we surprised?

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

Now, listen up as I tell the tale of 15 sexy kung-fu minutes.

(As Space Ghost echoes "Kung Fu," we flashback to him interviewing Sarah Jessica Parker.)

Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP):

Did you create the show?

SG:

By "create," you mean write, produce, direct and star in?

SJP:

Yeah.

SG:

Then, yes. I created it for you. For Christmas.

SJP:

In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.

SG:

Mmmmm. WILD fantasies.

SJP:

You have a... I don't know, something about you.

SG:

Would you like to have some of my sex with me?

SJP:

Oh boy, would I.

SG:

Let's go.

Z:

(voice-over) Okay, this is a complete lie!

SG:

(voice-over) Shut up, Zorak! It isn't!

(Flashback ends)

Z:

She never woulda...

SG:

We'll check the tape! We'll check it right after the show, buddy!

Z:

Show's over, genius!

JS:

I wasn't told that this...is this a...?

Z:

And that's "jenius" with a "J"!

JS:

This is an ambush show!

SG:

Your life's about over!

Z:

Yeah, whatever.

SG:

It's about over unless you shut up!

JS:

I don't wanna be a guest on a talk show!

Z:

All right, but...

SG:

Say it! Say it again, monster!

JS:

I never wanted to be on!

SG:

Say what you just said!

M:

Yeah, say it!

SG:

SAY IT!!!

JS:

Whoa!

SG:

"Whoa!" is what America's gonna be sayin' when I spin his head off so fast, it'll travel back in time!

Z:

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

SG:

Oh, you want the time-travel spinning head!

JS:

Um...

SG:

Huh? Mister?

JS:

Wha...?

SG:

Time?

JS:

What does that mean?

Z:

He doesn't know!

SG:

It means there was a time when bugs were obedient to man. This clearly isn't that time!

Z:

Nope.

SG:

Now, where was I, Jerry?

JS:

(sighs) I don't know, but we were kind of--

SG:

Ah, yes. The sex.

JS:

Of course.

(Flashback resumes)

SG:

As I moved in to enjoy the sex, terror rained down from the sky...

(A ceiling tile hits Space Ghost in the head)

SJP:

(laughing) Oh my gosh.

SG:

Are...there...any bones...sticking out?

SJP:

Um, I can't tell. You're hidden by a desk.

SG:

(voice-over) I was pinned. To the earth.

Z:

(voice-over) Pfft! By a freakin' ceiling tile.

(Flashback ends)

SG:

Don't! Don't, Don't, Don't!

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

This was no ordinary ceiling tile, Jerry.

JS:

Okay.

SG:

This was The C. Ling Tile!

(Flashback resumes. A ceiling tile with two sprinkler and an air vent walks up to Space Ghost, who is still lying on the floor.)

C. Ling Tile (CLT):

So, Ghost. We meet again.

SG:

C. Ling!

CLT:

That's right. I'm back.

SG:

The pleasure is mine.

CLT:

No, no, no. Correction: The pleasure is all for me! (He starts spraying water on Space Ghost's head) Sprinkler! Sprinkler!

SG:

No!

CLT:

Ho-HO!

SG:

Tap water!

CLT:

(laughs) Now I will freeze you! At 60 degrees! Cool air vent! Go! (starts blowing air on Space Ghost)

SG:

Agh!

CLT:

Go together!

SG:

He's lowering the temperature of my body!

CLT:

Oh-ho-ho!

SG:

It's all right. Contact Facilities!

CLT:

You...(bangs Space Ghost on the head)...deal with it!

SG:

Son of a...

CLT:

Ha ha ha!

SG:

Time to hang, Tile!

CLT:

Asbestos powder! (Start spraying powder in Space Ghost's face)

SG:

Agh!

CLT:

Get up! Get up and face the powder!

SG:

No!

CLT:

(sniffs) Mmmm! Mmmmm! Suck it in, Ghost! And prepare to die!

SG:

Not while I'm alive! Medical school!

(Space Ghost summons a glowing ball of energy)

CLT:

Hey! Stop!

M:

Space Ghost has mastered the five magics!

SG:

May cause drowsiness!

CLT:

No!

SG:

From your coffin!

CLT:

You don't have to throw that!

SG:

Because you're dead! (Space Ghost throws the ball, causing C. Ling Tile to burst into flames)

CLT:

Hey! That hurts! No!

SG:

Well, it looks like C. Ling will fit in perfectly...on the roof...in jail!

Z:

He sure will, Space Ghost!

SG:

Moltar, that's one tile that needs to be replaced!

Z:

It sure does, Space Ghost!

SG:

Shut up, Zorak!

Z:

(blink) (blink)

SG:

You make me sick.

Z:

I do, don't I?

(All laugh)

SG:

Now, don't we have some sex to take care of?

SJP:

(laughing) Yes.

(All laugh again as the flashback ends)

SG:

That's how I defeated C. Ling and then, of course, did sex. (pause) It was all action, Jerry. Magic and action.

JS:

Unbelievable.

SG:

And yet, very true. And yet, very true.

M:

You're insane! You never even took your clothes off!

SG:

Of course I didn't! It was sex!

M:

That's some kind of sex!

SG:

Moltar, I will spin your head so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere...with gravity.

M:

What?

SG:

And you'll be dead!

M:

Why?

SG:

Because you weren't alive back then.

Z:

Well, that ain't how I remember it - AT ALL!

SG:

What was that? Oh, the lying machine just turned on!

JS:

Uh, tell me your story.

Z:

First off, I was lookin' real good.

SG:

Oh, here we go.

(Flashback to Zorak with a big black Gene Simmons-like wig and sideburns)

Z:

(voice-over) Anyway, Space Ghost was droning on and on about he packs for trips...

SG:

...pairs of underwear. And I always bring one entire knapsack full of soap.

SJP:

Um, and you are?

SG:

Space Ghost.

SJP:

(laughing) Right. Uh, is your full name "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" or is it just "Space Ghost"?

SG:

Uh, I don't know. Hey! Want to see how high I can jump?

SJP:

Hmm...

SG:

I can jump high! I can go real high!

SJP:

(laughing) No, I thought maybe you were joking.

SG:

Okay! Here goes! (takes off) Weeeeeeeee!!!

(Sarah Jessica Parker hides her face in her hands as Space Ghost bounces around the studio)

Z:

(voice-over) That went on for....EVER! Luckily, Boston came by and picked me up.

(We cut to outside GPI, where a spaceship with the Boston logo hovers to beam Zorak up. "Cool the Engines" starts playing in the background)

SG:

(voice-over) Oh bull!

Z:

They said they needed a keyboardist and I said, "I'm your man-tis!"

(Zorak gets beamed up to Boston's space ship)

SG:

Aggh...

Z:

So long, suckers!

(The Boston ship blasts off going at least Mach 4 in a blast of stars)

Z:

And off we went!

SG:

(singing) That's a lie!

Z:

They had this really cool ship! There was this whole freakin' city on a flyin' UFO guitar, powered by rock 'n' roll!

SG:

LIE!

Z:

Boston rocks!

SG:

And where did your friends, Boston, take you?

Z:

They were on their way to populate a new world where everyone would just rock forever!

SG:

That a LIE!!!

Z:

All right! Who wants to ROCK?! There was not a life form we didn't rock. (The Boston ship streaks across the horizons of several planets where various creatures "rock out" to their irresistable heavy Boston sound) Is everybody ready to rock?! Yeah! Play some guitar!! Catch it! Man and mantis, rocking side-by-side. We're gonna rock your face! Ow! Who's ready to ROCK 'N' ROLL?!? Me and Boston: just like that. We rocked everyone we met. Oh god, it was beautiful. And when they were all rocked out, they dropped me off at home. THANKS, BOSTON! THAT ROCKED!! HEY BOSTON! KEEP ON ROCKIN'!!

(The Boston ship departs after dropping Zorak off)

Z:

Those guys know how to rock. (Space Ghost is still bouncing around the studio)

SG:

Like G.I. Joe! With his pants blown off! In the war! Aggh! Incoming! (Space Ghost lands head-first behind his desk)

SJP:

(laughing)

SG:

See that? I touched the ceiling!

(A ceiling tile hits Space Ghost in the head)

Z:

And that's when you started cryin' for Momma!

SG:

(crying) Mom-maaaaaa!!! (voice-over) I wasn't saying "Momma," I was saying, "Trauma." Like the kind I was about to dish out.

(Flashback ends)

SG:

I was announcing it before-hand.

Z:

To your Momma.

SG:

Besides, if I cried, it was because of kung-fu lasers...and starvation.

(Pause)

JS:

Why don't you explain that?

Z:

Yeah, explain it.

SG:

This is all a damned lie!

JS:

Um...

SG:

Don't listen to him, Jerry! I'll blow your brains clear into that river bank, Zorak.

Z:

Yeah, sure you will. (drinks from his coffee mug)

JS:

But you were friends. Why would you do that?

SG:

Why are you always trying to get ahead of me, mantis?

M:

You're all lyin'!

JS:

Oh. Moltar!

SG:

That's right, Jerry. Moltar.

(Flashback starts)

M:

First of all, I had the beautiful rock hair.

(Now Moltar has the long, Gene Simmons hair with a black-and-white striped loverboy head-band. He reads a book)

M:

Space Ghost was in the thing, talking to... someone.

(Cut to the set, where the guest monitor shows a toy monkey playing the cymbals. The ceiling tile falls in slow motion.)

SG:

(in slow motion) Oh no!

(Moltar switches the screen to various static-filled screens and test patterns)

M:

I had everything under control, as usual. When all of the sudden...

Voice (V):

(whispering) Psst! Hey buddy!

M:

Who said that?

V:

Me.

(A red sports car pulls up to Moltar and crashed into the control console)

M:

Where's the driver?

Car (C):

I'm a talking car.

M:

Why are you here?

C:

Why is anyone here?

(The car backs out of the control room)

M:

Whoa.

(Flashback ends)

M:

And that was when I decided I just need to spent a lot more time in church.

(The group stares silently)

SG:

A talking car. Really.

M:

No, you know what? I told it wrong. I had broken my lungs, that's what it was. And I was in the process of gluing them back together. So there I am..

(Flashback resumes)

M:

...and I start hearing this scary piano music. (scary piano music in background) So I turn around and there's this guy standing there.

(A clown is standing behind Moltar. He's holding a sharp object.)

M:

And he's wearing this mask, and I'm like, "What's up with that?" And he's got this knife, and he just starts coming at me, and the knife's like going, "Drrrvvv! Drrrvvvv! Drrrrvv!"

(Flashback ends)

Z:

You mean, uh, Michael Myers?

M:

Oh, you know him? 'Cause he was coming right at me.

Z:

Yeah. He's in this movie - "HALLOWEEN!" The one I loaned to you A YEAR AGO! MY movie, remember?!

M:

Okay, all right, okay. So maybe it was a movie. I guess I was watching it with some of my friends.

Z:

Pfft!

M:

I don't know if you know 'em. They're the rock band Boston?

SG:

I don't know them.

Z:

He doesn't know 'em. Look at his face! He's lyin'!

M:

I'm not lyin'!

JS:

Oh gosh.

M:

Truth is relative, Zorak!

Z:

Especially when you're lyin'!

JS:

Um...

M:

The trueness of one's truth, Zorak, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies.

Z:

What?

JS:

Um...

SG:

Yes, Zorak. Everyone knows that to be true. And you're dumb for not knowing that.

Z:

What?

JS:

I have to be going soon.

SG:

(chuckles) As Moltar clearly said, the vascular...

Z:

Say it.

SG:

You know if you couldn't understand the first time, I shouldn't have to waste my mouth saying it again.

JS:

It's not like I have another job or...

Z:

Saying what again?

M:

Yeah, what are you saying?

SG:

What I'm saying...

M:

That's not what I said.

SG:

What I'm saying...

M:

Bee-otch!

SG:

What I'm saying is... saying things are not relative.

JS:

This can't be during your sweeps.

SG:

And that, my friends, is the only truth.

JS:

Is there an end to any of this?

SG:

The other truth... is that I totally did sex with that girl.

JS:

Okay.

SG:

Because I did.

JS:

Good.

SG:

I completely dodily-did.

JS:

Yes!

SG:

Yes, I think you can say the two of us did that activity.

M:

Oh, and Zorak?

SG:

There was a performance...

M:

I totally hung out with Boston.

(In the guest monitor, Jerry Springer has gotten out of his chair)

SG:

...at the theater, if you catch my drift.

JS:

(into his lapel mic) Hey thanks, guys!

(Space Ghost continues under the credits)

SG:

And we worked it from the balcony to below.

JS:

Nice talking with you. Bye-bye.

CLT:

Ho-HO!

© 1999 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

Home | Ghost Planet Central | Episode Guide | Previous | Next