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(Opening titles)

Cartoon Network in conjunction with Akins Dynamic and pictures & noise present The Williams Street Players in Table Read A Cartoon Network Production Copyright MCMXCIX

Director (Sean Akins) (D(A):

Action!

Voice (V):

Was that action?

D(A:

Come down here!

(A group of "men" walk down a hallway toward the camera. As they come into focus, we see that they are Mike Lazzo, Matt Maiellaro, Jim Fortier, Mark Banker, Dave Willis, C. Martin Croker and George Lowe.)

George Lowe (GL):

Now we're cool. Now everybody stay cool.

Dave Willis (DW):

Dude, I...

GL:

Hey, how come talent's in the Back...?

(They walk into a room and sit down at a table in a rustic meeting room nestled amongst the rat droppings of Williams Street.)

Mike Lazzo (ML):

...an afterthought.

ML:

George, you're over here.

GL:

Where am I?

ML:

No, no.

GL:

I'm over here. Sitting comfortably.

Conan Script
"2.8 AB"
July 21st
2:50 p.m.

ML:

Conan script, "2.8 AB", okay. (points to Jim Fortier) Conan, you're gonna be Conan. (points to George Lowe) Space Ghost. (points to C. Martin Croker sometimes known as Clay) Zorak, Moltar. (points to Mark Banker) You'll be doin' the music and effects (Points to Dave Willis) Dave, reading direction. (Points to Matt Maiellaro) Matt, sound effects. Ready when you are.

GL:

Written by Mike Lazzo.

ML:

Cue...

GL:

Produced by Mike Lazzo.

DW:

Open on set. Musical fanfare.

(Mark Banker plays musical fanfare on a small keyboard. It goes on for quite some time, prompting George to look at his watch. Finally, the fanfare stops.)

Jim Fortier (JF):

(as Conan) Everytime I think, it's gotta be the last one.

(The musical fanfare starts again)

C. Martin Croker (CMC):

(as Moltar) Yeah, it's a...little Excessive.

(The fanfare starts yet again)

JF:

Space Ghost descends from the heavens.

ML:

Uh, I think the musical fanfare's a little too long.

GL:

No, really, Mike? I was enjoying it.

ML:

But not as, not as, it shouldn't be as short as I think you think it should be, but it's slightly long.

GL:

I thought it was good.

ML:

We did.

GL:

Didn't you, Clay?

ML:

Little church thing...

DW:

Play.

(Mark Banker plays the fanfare again, much shorter this time)

DW:

Space Ghost descends from the heavens, glowing and god-like.

(The fanfare continues)

George Lowe/Space Ghost (GLG):

Sorry I'm late. I was out saving your life -- in the future!

Jim Fortier/Conan (JF):

I don't know what you're talking about, Space Ghost.

GLG:

I'm talking about creation!!

DW:

Space Ghost slams his fist down so hard it bursts into flames.

Matt Maiellaro (MM):

(makes explosion noise)

C. Martin Croker/Moltar (CMC):

Ahhh! Burnin' hair. Daddy!

C. Martin Croker/Zorak (CMC):

Daddy's on fire!

JF:

Yes? Can I help you?

DW:

Space Ghost grabs a blue card.

GLG:

Have ya ever...?

DW:

The card bursts into flames.

MM:

(makes explosion noise)

GLG:

I...guess I'll go from memory. Uhhh....

CMC:

Uhhhh.....ummmm.....uhh....

GLG:

Uhhhhh....ummmmmm.....uhhh....ummmmmmm.. (smacks Jim in the head with his script) Conan!

ML:

When you speak "Uhhh," try and stay with the same, like you just drop your mouth. "Uhhh..."

GL:

Uhhhh.....

ML:

You know, don't keep interrupting with different "Uhhh"s.

GL:

I like "Uhhh."

ML:

Just try to be that one stupid "Uhhh."

GL:

It was my version of the fanfare. (AS SPACE GHOST) Uhhhhhh....uhhhhhh....

CMC:

Uhhhhhhhh....

JF:

You know, when you first came on the air, I thought this guy hasn't got a chance.

GLG:

Uh-huh.

JF:

I mean, no offense...

GLG:

Uh-huh.

JF:

But you know what I mean? You're from space...

GLG:

Huh.

JF:

You're a cartoon, and your '60s show really didn't go anywhere.

GLG:

It got me a Camaro.

JF:

Well, your '60s show wasn't really that great.

GLG:

(making car engine noises)

JF:

It wasn't very good. (laughing) It wasn't very good.

DW:

Flashback to old Space Ghost episode. Space Ghost has his back to us, shouting.

GLG:

Well, Jerry. The jig is up! Up in the air! 'Cause you're going down! All the way down! Not up, where the jig is! Where I said before! Where's the damn camera?

MM:

(makes bird noises)

DW:

Giganto bird swoops in and slams Space Ghost.

ML:

Uh, in "Well, Jerry, the jig is up"...

GL:

Oh yeah, yeah. I could have gone harder on "Where's the..."

ML:

It's "WHERE I SAID BEFORE!"

GL:

Okay, so I'm still staying in that.

ML:

You're still staying in that.

MM:

Yeah.

GL:

'Cause I thought it was a little confused there.

ML:

It's confused on "Where's the damn camera?"

GL:

But I'm superhero all the way through.

ML:

Exactly.

GL:

From top to bottom.

ML:

"WHERE I SAID BEFORE!"

GL:

"WHERE'S THE DAMN CAMERA!"

ML:

No, that is...now you're confused.

GL:

That's I'm..."Where's the damn camera?"

ML:

Exactly.

MM:

Yeah, this is a shot from an old Space Ghost show, and you're actually not even facing the audience. You're, you're standing on this mountain and you're like this, looking out.

CMC:

It's a rock.

MM:

Yeah.

ML:

Yeah.

MM:

Oh, it's a rock? Whatever, yeah. Uhh...I thought, uh, Gigantor bird noise was pretty good.

(The group laughs)

ML:

Exactly. And you did a great Wookie, by the way.

GL:

Thank you, thank you.

ML:

We've been sold on Dave's Wookie.

DW:

Back on set.

GLG:

They were space monsters, Conan. Not actors.

JF:

Yeah, yeah.

GLG:

See him over there? Monster.

CMC:

Where? Where's the monster? (laughs) Givin' me the business! (laughs)

DW:

Conan stares at Zorak.

JF:

Is it Moltar?

CMC:

It's Wallace.

CMC:

I'm Wallace too!

GLG:

Shut up, Moltar. For argument's sake, let's say Zorak was Wallace. Wild Wallace. What would you do?

JF:

I think what I'd do at first is I'd hold my arms out like this...

GLG:

So you could have a front-row seat, to be right there to be watching them as you see them being ripped off at the sockets?! You fool.

JF:

I don't have a weapon.

GLG:

Wait, you have a talk show without any weapons?

JF:

So always have a weapon?

GLG:

Yes.

JF:

And what should it do? Should it immobilize people?

GLG:

It should destroy everything in a five-click radius, so...yeah, immobilize people.

JF:

I'm confused, 'cause there's so many rays. There's a ray that disintegrates people. There's a ray that makes people float.

GLG:

And there are some rays I downloaded off the Internet.

DW:

Space Ghost fires the "La Cucaracha" ray and his desk crashes up and down like a low-rider.

(Mark Banker starts playing "La Cucaracha" on the keyboard)

JF:

I Iove that ray.

GLG:

My neighbor doesn't. So, uh, you've heard of me, right? Space Ghost?

JF:

Space Man.

GLG:

Space Ghost. (to Mark Banker, still playing "La Cucaracha") Thank you. (back to Conan) You've heard of me, right? Space Ghost?

JF:

Space Man. You were a space man who died and became a space ghost.

GLG:

I've always been dead, Conan.

JF:

I know that you don't want the kids to know that you died (fake crying), but you died, baby! You got to get down with that.

GLG:

No!

JF:

It's true. Everyone should know this. Space Ghost was a space man who had an embarrassing death.

DW:

Flashback. Space Ghost reaches into his aquarium with an electric shaver.

GLG:

Dr. Fishopolis! You need a shave!

MM:

(makes electric explosion noise.)

GLG:

Agh! A shave!

MM:

(makes electric explosion noise.)

GLG:

Agh! A shave!

MM:

(makes electric explosion noise.)

GLG:

Agh!

DW:

Back to set.

CMC:

A shave! (laughs) A shave! (laughs)

GLG:

Dr. Fishopolis!!

ML:

This Fishopolis thing bothers me back to back like that.

MM:

What if he yelled "No" before it? You're remembering this thing that you made up how you died. Then you come out of this fantasy of how you died.

GL:

You're adding "No" there?

MM:

This fish that you've never even owned.

ML:

And you're shaving it.

DW:

No! Dr. Fishopolis!

MM:

Yeah, try adding a "No" in front of that.

GLG:

No! Dr. Fishopolis!!

JF:

Face it, Space Ghost! You're a space man that choked on a muffin!

GLG:

No, no. You're thinking of Space Cop.

JF:

I saw that on the WB, actually. They'll carry anything. Ha ha ha ha ha!

GLG:

Ha ha ha ha ha! Look at my hand, Conan. It's glistening with sweat.

JF:

I'm looking at your hand. That's what George Michael said. (laughs) Get it? Because he had that problem?

GLG:

(laughs) Laughing is fun!

MM:

Uh, maybe too much there.

Mark Banker (MB):

Like, real nonchalant, like, you know, like everybody knows that.

GL:

And, and who are you again?

MB:

I'm just Ironside.

GL:

I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, Mark, for crying out loud.

MB:

They just bring me in to do it.

GL:

Okay.

ML:

Okay?

(The group laughs.)

ML:

Um, page 6.

GL:

He's from the Toronto office. I dreamt I grew a beard of hamburger last night and shaved it off and ate it.

JF:

Looking at, uh, page 8 at the top, um, "That's what that guy you said earlier said"?

GL:

Mm-hmm. You're on where? Now where are we? Where? Where? Where?

DW:

Middle of 8. Or, like, top middle of 8.

GLG:

Heh, heh. That's what that guy you said earlier said. Ha ha ha ha ha! Get it?

JF:

No.

GLG:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

ML:

You really need to play these as, as they're written.

JF:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

ML:

Listen to how he does it, then you follow kind of laughing...

GLG:

That's what that guy you said earlier said! Ha ha ha ha!

ML:

Exactly. But I wouldn't go exactly like him.

GL:

Well, you just said to go exactly like him.

ML:

I know I did, and I was completely wrong.

GL:

Okay, then.

ML:

I would go "Ha ha ha ha!"

GLG:

Ha ha ha ha!

ML:

Not exactly mimic him. Ha ha ha.

GL:

So what's his laugh like?

JF:

You were doing that fine. I think you're doing that fine.

(The camera starts to pan up away from the table and pans up toward the ceiling.)

ML:

You can give him an A. Write it down.

JF:

There you go.

GL:

Oh, okay. A's are good, please. Dave? Can I get a grade on the paper?

ML:

Dave, turn your...more toward the...on page 5...

(The camera holds on a shot of the air vents, the sound from which drowns out the voices from the table. After holding the shot for a few seconds, the camera returns to the table.)

ML:

All right, what else? We gotta get back...

JF:

Page five...

ML:

Yeah, immobilize people.

GL:

No, I'm not. I'm ignoring you.

MM:

So, yeah, immobilize people. That's more sarcastic.

DW:

Yeah, it's like, "No duh." It's like, "Yeah, immobilize people."

MM:

Exactly.

JF:

Page 8, page 8, George...

GL:

You know, I just had a frightening, like animatronic image of Dave's nipples on the slow-motion thing going deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet-deet.

ML:

We'll have to see if that happens.

GL:

Hey, my paper got wet. (makes train whistle noise)

DW:

A train whistle blows.

GLG:

To the mines!

MM:

You do it. (group laughs.)

DW:

Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar...

GL:

I felt like doing a whistle, so let me.

MM:

I do the whistle every time.

GL:

I'm sorry, do the whistle.

MM:

(makes train whistle noise)

GLG:

To the mines!

JF:

Well, Space Ghost, at the end of an interview, it is traditional for the talk show host to say, "Thanks for being here, Conan. This was Conan O'Brien. Check out his show on NBC at 12:35. For all these people know, my show is a cop show on Fox or something.

GLG:

Isn't it?

DW:

Isn't it? Just uh...

ML:

Yeah.

DW:

"For all these people know, my show is a cop show on Fox or something." You're not even paying attention. You're sort of walking out. "Isn't it?"

GL:

I mean, I gave him kind of a knowing, "Isn't it? Isn't it a cop show?"

DW:

It's not like that at all.

GL:

No, well, I know. I caught it when I did it, but...

MM:

Just like barely...

GLG:

Isn't it?

MM:

You're in a mining car. You're getting ready to go to something else.

GLG:

"It isn't?" Can I say, "It isn't?"?

(Pause)

DW:

No.

GL:

Okay.

(Group laughs)

DW:

Just say, "Isn't it?"

GL:

God no, we wouldn't want to tamper with this, would we?

DW:

Nope.

ML:

Any general notes?

MM:

Anybody wondering about the clown?

ML:

Credits!

MM:

(makes train whistle noise)

© 1999 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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