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Title:Fire Ant (short version)
Original Air Date:January 2, 2000
Guest Star:Conan O'Brien

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Open on set. Musical Fanfare as the guest monitor with Conan O'Brien inside lowers from the ceiling.

The fanfare continues.

And continues.

And continues some more.

Then stops.)
Conan O'Brien (CO): Is that? Where...?
(The fanfare starts again. Space Ghost, attached to a harness, descends from above and lands in his chair.)
Space Ghost (SG): That was awesome.
CO: Yeah.
SG: Moltar, that was awesome!
Moltar (M): Thank you.
SG: Now, if you would, come in here and attach a speaker to my head.
M: Um...(clears throat)...why?
SG: Because, Moltar, world hunger is something that affects all of us.
M: Of course.
SG: Conan, I have designed this speaker to amplify my thoughts so people will quit asking me for sandwiches. That should work, right?
CO: I don't know what you're talking about, Space Ghost. My show was...
(A drilling sound is heard.)
SG: Go ahead, Moltar.
(Moltar finishes attaching the speaker to Space Ghost's head, and a static noise is heard.)
CO: Maybe I should go.
(More static comes out the speaker.)
CO: Huh?
SG: (More static)
CO: What are you talking about?
SG: (Static)
CO: "Crash my brow." I'm sorry, I'm not...
SG: (Static)
CO: Did you say "Prance-a-Tron"?
SG: Moltar, take this speaker off my head! It was obvioulsy a bad idea that you had!
(An alarm signal sounds in the control room.)
M: Hey, you know, uh...
SG: You.
M: No rush, but, uh, Alpha Centauri's gonna explode in about 15 seconds.
SG: And you know of this?
M: Because some friends of mine are doing it.
SG: Gas up the wench, and I'll need some longer straps. So get me the catalog, my stationery and...
(Alpha Centauri explodes behind him.)
SG: There's no time! Now hoist me to Alpha Centauri at once! Away!
(Space Ghost is slowly lifted out of his chair as the musical fanfare starts again.)
SG: Wait a minute. That's the wrong music.
(More dramatic music plays.)
SG: Thank you. That's better.
(One of the harness straps break, leaving Space Ghost dangling above his desk.)
SG: Ow! Don't everybody go freakin' out on me. This has happened once before, but I forgot what I did to fix it.
Zorak (Z): Ah, we poked you with sticks until you fell down, remember?
SG: You sure I didn't harness the power of the sun?
Z: No, it was definitely sticks. Beaten with sticks.
SG: All right. Go get 'em. (To Conan) How's it goin', man?
(Moltar and Zorak beat Space Ghost with sticks as he dangles from the ceiling.)
SG: Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Not there! Ow! Ow! Oh!
Moltar and Zorak (MAZ): (Laughing.)
CO: Ouch.
SG: Hello, Conan!
CO: What, are you still here?
SG: Welcome to the program!
CO: I'm sorry. I thought the show was over.
SG: It started?
CO: Yeah. Oh yeah.
SG: Okay. Well then, greetings I'm Space Ghost.
CO: Space Man.
SG: Space Ghost.
CO: You were a space man who died and became a space ghost.
SG: I've always been dead, Conan.
CO: No one can always be dead, Space Ghost.
SG: I was dead long before you were born, Conan, and I'll be dead long before you're dead.
CO: Space Ghost is obviously a space man who died and became a space ghost. Now, I know that you don't want the kids to know that you died (fake crying), but you died, baby! And you got to get down with that.
SG: NO!
CO: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST!
SG: NO!
CO: YOU'RE A SPACE MAN THAT CHOKED ON A MUFFIN!
SG: THAT, SIR, IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I AM ALLERGIC TO MUFFINS!
CO: Oh, I'm sorry.
SG: Yeah. You're thinking of Muffin Hunter. He's different.
CO: I saw that on the WB, actually. They'll carry anything. (Laughs.)
SG: Well, they won't carry anything, Conan, because I pitched them a show where Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny were teenagers, and I was a teenager too, and we were all pirates, but every week we would have different jobs and identities. And they called back and said it was stupid!
CO: Well...
SG: And that I was stupid too! And let me tell ya something. There's nothing stupid about a teenage rabbit teaching good hygiene! Nothing!
(Space Ghost pounds his fist so hard on the desk that it bursts into flames.)
CO: C'mon. Let's just forget it!
SG: Uh-oh. Look at my hand, Conan.
CO: I'm looking at your hand. (Pause.) That's what George Michael said. (Laughs.) Get it? 'Cause he had that problem?
(Space Ghost's arm is now on fire.)
M: Aggh! Burnin' hair! Daddy!
Z: All right! Fire!
SG: Um, Conan?
CO: Yes? Can I help you?
SG: Um....
Z: Pour gas on him!
SG: Hobbies? Better get some water.
CO: Space Ghost, you're fumbling. Something's wrong.
(Space Ghost grabs a blue card)
SG: Conan, have you ever, uh...?
(The card bursts into flames.)
Z: Light his other arm!
SG: Have you ever... Um, dog?
(Space Ghost holds flaming, half-burned card in front of guest monitor.)
SG: Does this say dog? I guess I'll go from memory.
(Silence as the fire spreads and Space Ghost's head bursts into flames.)
Z: (Laughs.)
CO: You know, when you first came on the air...
SG: Uh-huh.
CO: I thought, "This guy hasn't got a chance." And no offense...
SG: Right.
CO: But you know what I mean? You're from space...
SG: Yeah.
CO: You're a cartoon, and your '60s show didn't really go anywhere.
SG: Well, it got me a Camaro.
CO: Well, your '60s show wasn't that great.
SG: It was just so sophisticated...
CO: It just wasn't! You were raw. You were unmolded clay.
(Space Ghost is now completely engulfed in flames.)
SG: Conan, I was improvising! With monsters! My mind was my script, and my brain my only writer...
(Flashback to old "Space Ghost" episode. As Space Ghost says his lines, they are seen as subtitles at the bottom of the screen.)
SG: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha?
Monster (M): Hoona Igna Chowa Neha!
(As the monster repeats the chant, Space Ghost starts dancing to the beat.)
M: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha!
Monster and Space Ghost (MASG): Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha!
(The camera cuts to show Moltar and Zorak standing among various other old "Space Ghost" monsters. A young boy pokes his head out from inside a log.)
SG: C'mon, Zorak!
MASG: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha!
(Flashback ends and we return to set.)
SG: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna...
CO: Are you ready to come back now, Space Ghost?
SG: ...Chowa. This thing, this thing would have been a hit.
CO: It wasn't very good.
Z: I know! I only did it for two episodes, and it ruined my career!
M: Yeah, me too!
Z: I couldn't get work for five years! So I had to steal things for money!
M: Yeah, me too!
Z: Now look at us!
M: They won't even animate us!
Z: 'Cause they hate us!
M: It's the worst show we've ever been involved in!
Z: We wouldn't even cash our checks!
M: We didn't want the money!
Z: We just wanted to be killed!
(Pause.)
Z: Conan, look at me when I talk to ya.
CO: Is it Moltar?
Z: That's me. Yeah. Moltar.
M: I'm Moltar!
SG: Shut up, Moltar.
CO: You're Moltar, and you're Zorak.
Z: You know what? It's Wallace now.
M: I'm Wallace too!
SG: Shut up, Wall-tar...Walltor. Moll-usk. That's your name?
M: Ugh.
SG: Let's say Zorak was Wallace.
Z: I am.
SG: What would you do with Wild Wallace?
CO: I think what I'd do at first, is I'd hold out my arms like this.
SG: And shove him to death? Oh, good one.
CO: My apologies. So what are you talking about?
SG: A weapon that will blow his head off!
CO: I don't have a weapon.
SG: Well, that's very stupid. And you won't make it in television.
CO: So always have a weapon?
SG: Yes. Or no. Whatever.
CO: Can it be a conventional Earth weapon?
SG: No.
CO: Okay. Uh, so a ray.
SG: No.
CO: I'm confused 'cause there's so many--
SG: No. Just forget it, okay?
CO: How'm I doin' so far, Space Ghost?
SG: Oh, great. Great. Really great.
CO: Do you really mean that?
SG: No.
CO: Because I have a Sincere Meter, and you are way in the red.
SG: Oh, that is a shame.
CO: I am not showing any sincerity on this.
SG: I mean a real shame.
CO: Yeah. Sure.
SG: So, uh, what's your thing? Like I care.
CO: You're so unprepared. Maybe if you sent less time polishing your titanium interspace craft, or adjusting the setting on your ray, if you spent a little more time preparing for the interview, maybe the interviews would go a little better.
SG: Yeah, me too.
(Space Ghost notices an ant next to his foot and bends down for a closer look.)
CO: You seem baffled, Space Ghost. What's wrong?
SG: I'm lookin' at this ant. I think this is the ant that bit me.
CO: You're pathetic.
SG: Hold on, Conan. (To ant) That's it, c'mon. OWWW!!!
(Space Ghost blasts the ant.)
SG: Try biting me now, ant! From the afterlife!
CO: You know, I've been interviewed by all of them. Regis. Kathie Lee. Regis and Kathie Lee.
SG: Right.
CO: I'd like to say that I think this show is very bad...
SG: Okay.
CO: ...and should be stopped.
SG: Okay.
CO: I think you're a bad person, and don't take this the wrong way...
SG: All right.
CO: ...but I think you represent evil...
SG: Yeah.
CO: ...and your presence makes any kind of progress in the universe impossible.
SG: Hold on a second, Conan. Moltar? This ant has come back from the dead. It must be one of those self-repeating, immortal Franken-ants.
M: It's probably just another, different ant.
SG: A second ant? No, no. It's his brother avenging the death of his twin! It's his twin brother!
CO: Really?
SG: I'm gonna follow him home. Kill his whole family.
(As Conan talks, Space Ghost starts following the ant across the set.)
CO: Well, Space Ghost, at the end of an interview, it's traditional for the talk show host to say, "Thanks for being here, Conan. This was Conan O'Brien. Check out his show on NBC at 12:35." You didn't do that. You completely blew me off. For all these people know, my show is a cop show on, uh, Fox or something, thanks to you.
SG: Isn't it?
CO: Where you goin'?
SG: The sand.
The Next Day

SG: That's right, I'm following you. Just keep walking. For every three hundred little steps your ant feet take, I take only one. That's it, run, run home. Take me to your family, where they will pay with my vengeance.
(Space Ghost arrives at the ant's house. A sliding door opens, revealing a giant ant monster.)
SG: Hey, your son just bit me here! I want to know what you're gonna do about it!
(The ant monsters roar and chase after Space Ghost.)
SG: (Running away) Your son is a moron!
Guest Star
Conan O'Brien
Written By
Dave Willis
Matt Maiellaro
Jim Fortier
Mark Banker
Voices
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Offline Edit
Edward Hastings
Online Edit
Jay Bellissimo
Production Coordinator
Bonnie Rosmarin
Production Manager
Vishal Roney
Talent Coordinator
Nina Bishop
Re-Recording Mixer
Roy Clements
New Animation
Jon Schnepp
Production Assistants
Maya McClure
Natali Tesche-Ricciardi
Special Thanks
Jay Edwards
Producer
Andy Merrill
Head Writer
Matt Maiellaro
Supervising Producer
Dave Willis
Executive Producers
Keith Crofford
Mike Lazzo

© 2000 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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