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(Fade in: Dave Thomas is on the monitor)

Dave Thomas (DT):

Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?

Zorak (Z):

Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.

(Space Ghost invisos in to his desk)

DT:

(clears his throat, alerting Zorak to SG's arrival)

Z:

Yeah, Dave, uh, that, uh...

DT:

Um...

Z:

... fair was, uh... fun.

DT:

Yeah.

Z:

Yeah.

Space Ghost (SG):

You weren't in any fair!

Z:

(laughs)

SG:

I heard you tellin' Dave to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.

DT:

Ah...

Z:

Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.

SG:

That makes me sad.

Z:

I never said that!

SG:

Yeah, you did.

Z:

We're buds!

SG:

Well, I heard it.

Z:

I never said that, and I would never say that.

SG:

Dave heard it, didn't you, Dave?

DT:

(nods slowly)

Z:

(laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?

DT:

Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...

SG:

I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.

Z:

There you go.

SG:

And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!

Z:

That'll work.

SG:

And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.

DT:

Okay... (exhales)

(Cut to control room; Moltar watches on his monitor)

SG:

How would that be... ya fat babies?

Moltar (M):

Good!

(Cut back to studio)

Z:

Yeah, good.

DT:

(chuckles)

SG:

(takes off from his desk, flies off the set)

DT:

Okay, this is my show, now that Space Ghost is gone, this is the Dave Thomas Show.

Z:

Yeah!!

DT:

Space Ghost won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.

Z:

Awright!

DT:

I've often wondered from watching your show...

(As Dave talks, Space Ghost is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)

SG:

[So we forgot all about our good friend Space Ghost...]

DT:

(to Zorak) ... how tall are you?

Z:

Eh, about seven feet.

DT:

Seven feet tall.

Z:

Yeah, I'm pretty big.

DT:

I'm impressed.

Z:

I know.

SG:

(still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)

DT:

How much can you bench press?

Z:

Eh, about 320.

DT:

I could tell that from your over-developed quads.

M:

(stammering) Hey Dave, Dave, ask me how tall... how I can press.

SG:

(walks in front of Zorak's keyboard pod) Did it just get noisier in here? (he stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Zorak) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?

Z:

It's going pretty good!

SG:

As if I care.

Z:

It's funny.

M:

Yeah, too bad you're missing it.

SG:

(looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?

Z:

(to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.

M:

Actually, we were talking about...

SG:

Oh, I heard it. Say, Dave...

DT:

Yeah?

SG:

Why don't you ask Zorak about his hollow arms, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?

DT:

Oh god!

SG:

If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.

Z:

Hey, I thought you were leaving.

SG:

But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Zorak? Answer him. Answer me.

Z:

This ain't your show. It's the Dave Thomas Show.

SG:

I'm not here for your show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.

Z:

Uh huh.

SG:

I never liked it, Zorak.

Z:

Uh huh.

SG:

I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.

Z:

We don't care.

SG:

Where it's fun.

Z:

Well, go get 'em. What are you waitin' for?

SG:

I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Dave.

DT:

(looks back silently)

SG:

Hey Dave.

DT:

Greetings, Space Ghost.

Z:

Alright, you did that, now get your keys.

SG:

(pounds his desk) Say Dave, tell me about your new projects.

Z:

Hey! That's enough!

M:

Yeah man, leave.

SG:

I am leavin'.

M:

So leave. I mean, you've been leavin' for five minutes.

SG:

And I'm never comin' back.

M:

Good! Go! Bye!

SG:

When I go, that's it.

Z:

So [bleep] go!

DT:

(looks shocked)

SG:

(stares in silence)

Z:

Dave doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Dave?

DT:

(pauses) No no, no no no...

M:

Now man, you said it was your show...

DT:

Aw, c'mon.

SG:

Fine, I'm leaving! (pounds his fist)

DT:

Alright, go ahead.

SG:

Alright, I will go ahead!

Z:

Then move it!

M:

Yeah, get outta here!

SG:

(pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.

M:

No!

SG:

(pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever! (pounds desk again)

DT:

What a shame.

Z:

(laughs hysterically)

M:

(laughs hysterically)

SG:

(flies off)

(Scene transition to the Hall of Justice)

Narrator (N):

Outside the Hall of Justice...

(Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.)

N:

... is this Hole...

SG:

(rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Snakefish! My man! (Snakefish stands up, along with someone in a turban, who ducks down again. Space Ghost's tractor goes off screen and stops)

N:

... of Justice.

SG:

Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.

Snakefish (S):

Gee, thanks, uh... Space...

SG:

Space Ghost.

S:

Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.

SG:

Here, let me get you some change in my inviso... (invisos out "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I turned invisible! (invisos back in) I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet superpowers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Justice. (as Space Ghost talks, five other characters appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)

S:

We can all do this. (all of them inviso out)

SG:

Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (characters sneak away under inviso power) Where are you?!

(Back in the studio)

Z:

(laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!

DT:

Hey, take off, Zorak.

M:

Hey wait, you guys, you guys...

Z:

Take off, eh? (laughs)

M:

Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.

DT:

(stares back in silence)

M:

Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)

DT:

(silence)

M:

C'mon, do it.

SG:

(invisos to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!

M:

(groans)

Z:

Aw, man!

SG:

What?

Z:

I thought you had some friends!

SG:

I do.

Z:

Then where are they?

SG:

Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Dave, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?

DT:

Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.

SG:

By "people", do you mean me?

DT:

Yeah.

M:

(standing by Space Ghost's desk) Dave, is there a problem here?

DT:

No, no problem at all.

M:

Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Space Ghost's desk) I have the solution.

DT:

No problem.

M:

Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Dave.

DT:

Okay.

M:

(walking away) The Dave Thomas Show. Heh heh, I love it.

SG:

He's not the host of the show.

Z:

Yeah he is.

SG:

No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.

DT:

Alright, Space Ghost, how thick is your neck?

SG:

I'll ask the questions, Dave. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches.

DT:

That's a decent sized neck.

SG:

Radius, Dave.

DT:

48 inch radius.

SG:

Radius.

DT:

How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...

SG:

I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.

DT:

Fair enough.

SG:

What's that on your jaw, Dave? Oh-h-h, it's fat.

DT:

Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Space Ghost.

SG:

(in low voice) Not much of one.

DT:

Hey.

SG:

What?

DT:

I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Space Ghost?

SG:

Oh, you're the guest. Then who's the host?

DT:

Of the Space Ghost show?

SG:

Yeah, Dave. The Space Ghost show.

DT:

(pause) Uh... Zorak?

Z:

(in background) Tell it on the mountain!

SG:

No.

DT:

I.. Help me out here! Moltar?

SG:

(aims his power band at Dave) Screw you all to hell! (brings his finger near the button)

DT:

Okay.

SG:

(still aiming, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)

DT:

How's it goin', Zorak?

Z:

Awesome, Dave.

SG:

(still aiming) I'm serious!

DT:

Give it your best shot, big boy.

SG:

(blasts Dave with his power bands, but the blasts are deflected)

DT:

(chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop.

SG:

(flies off)

DT:

(chuckles)

(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Justice)

SG:

Y'all in there? (Snakefish peers over the edge of the hole, in inviso mode) I know you're in there.

S:

(invisos in) No, I, I was just testing it.

SG:

Where is everyone?

S:

They're... they're out saving stuff.

SG:

I hope they save their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?

S:

Yeah. (the others peer over the hole's edit, in inviso mode) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out on Mars. (points up)

SG:

That's funny, I came by Mars on my way over, and it doesn't have any life! (moves toward Snakefish, the others duck down)

S:

Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.

SG:

I know you're invisible in there! Ya fat babies!

(Back in the studio)

M:

Okay, you ready?

DT:

Yeah.

M:

Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then he swings by on a rope) Whoa! (he lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)

DT:

Zorak, comments?

Z:

I'd say that... probably killed him.

M:

Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.

SG:

(invisos in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Zorak's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Space Ghost, the guy the show's named after.

DT:

Welcome mat is out for you, Space Ghost.

SG:

Nobody talk to me or look at me.

Z:

Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)

M:

You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Dave)

SG:

(stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Space Ghost, he moves in front of it again)

DT:

You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Space Ghost (laughing)

SG:

(continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Moltar moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.

DT:

Take your time, Space Ghost, I got all day. (laughs)

SG:

Well, I don't, Dave. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy man. (flies off)

Z:

Hey, Dave... where'd you get that blazer?

DT:

Well...

SG:

(walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.

DT:

Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?

SG:

Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire godforsaken planet. Starting with Snakefish and his stupid Hole of Justice. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.

DT:

Well...

SG:

I'm a super-hero, AND a super-artist.

DT:

I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.

SG:

(pause) So.. you think I have a problem.

DT:

Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...

Z:

Well, I'll open his mind.

SG:

Oh, with what? I hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.

Z:

That's not what I was gonna say!

SG:

Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?

Z:

What are you talkin' about?

SG:

I know you said it!

DT:

Have you ever...

SG:

He said it, Dave.

DT:

Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...

SG:

All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?

DT:

Oh, never mind.

SG:

No, no, come on, I'm listening.

DT:

Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...

Z:

Like me?

SG:

Yeah, like Zorak.

DT:

No, not like Zorak. Somebody who reads.

SG:

Moltar has an education. A doctorate, it says so on his degree, right Moltar?

M:

Show me your hiney!

DT:

No, not like Moltar. Somebody who has an education...

M:

Show me the hiney!!

SG:

No, he does have an education.

M:

I wanna see it.

DT:

Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...

SG:

How about you?

DT:

What about me?

SG:

(does his power band move thing) You do it, I command it.

DT:

(leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.

Z:

(backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")

DT:

How do you feel about yourself, Space Ghost?

SG:

Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.

DT:

Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?

SG:

(silence)

DT:

Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?

SG:

You did?

DT:

Let's go back to number 1 then.

SG:

Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.

DT:

And as number 1...

SG:

A Number 1. The bomb.

DT:

You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?

M:

(offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!

Z:

Put your pants on!

DT:

I mean, other than Zorak and Moltar.

SG:

(quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?

DT:

(smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.

SG:

I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!

DT:

I think you've been out here a little too long.

Z:

Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.

SG:

No.

Z:

It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.

SG:

No. It's cold. At the dumpster.

DT:

It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.

SG:

Well, I like to dance.

DT:

No kiddin'! Well, that's a start.

SG:

I mean... REALLY like to dance.

DT:

Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage girls do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.

SG:

Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?

DT:

Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Space Ghost. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.

SG:

Well, thanks Dave. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]

DT:

Zorak, Moltar, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.

SG:

Zorak, Moltar, hop in the cruiser. We're gonna roll Earth.

M:

No way, man.

Z:

Yeah, Dave and I are goin' out for a drink.

DT:

Oh, am I?

M:

Oh, me too, I'm goin' too. Right?

Z:

Yeah, don't you remember? I was talkin' about us goin' out? Uh, takin' Moltar maybe?

DT:

(nods) I do.

Z:

Yeah.

SG:

(taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?

Z:

No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)

(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Space Ghost is all alone)

(Credits roll with nifty music)

(Space Ghost is back at the Hole of Justice, in his own hole)

SG:

It's a free country.

S:

Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?

SG:

Yeah, bring your snake ass over here and say that!

S:

I just did, and you didn't do anything!

SG:

I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.

(One of the other villains is sneaking up on Space Ghost in inviso mode)

S:

(laughs)

SG:

What's so funny? (The villain jumps Space Ghost) Aaah!

S:

Yeah!

© 2001 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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