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(Credits roll at start of show, accompanied by Björk's singing)

(Control room; Thom Yorke is on Moltar's monitor)

Thom Yorke (TY):

They were old people's sunglasses.

Moltar (M):

Really?

TY:

Yeah, you can buy them, you can buy them in Dallas airport.

M:

Cool.

TY:

Yeah, and you put them over normal sunglasses.

(Space Ghost enters the control room, holding a CD)

Space Ghost (SG):

Moltar, can you make me a hundred copies of this?

M:

What is it?

SG:

It's the new Radiohead CD.

TY:

(stares at Space Ghost from Moltar's monitor)

SG:

(to Moltar) That the guy from Radiohead?

M:

Yes.

TY:

Hello.

SG:

Hey, how's it goin'?

TY:

(gives SG a "thumbs up" sign)

SG:

Good. Moltar, we'll talk about it later. Hey! What's that? (walks over to a fancy projector-looking machine in the control room)

M:

Oh, that's a, uh... what is that? (Loud noise off camera) What!

(Space Ghost is holding Moltar in a head lock)

SG:

(talking quietly to Moltar) Now you listen to me. I could go to jail in Mexico if Thom were to hear that I'm copying his CD. (glances over at Thom, who is watching them) Don't look at me! We're talkin' about dragons. (to Moltar) So you take Thom out to the set while I burn and verify these... (to Thom) these... dragons. (another loud noise as he releases Moltar)

M:

You don't know how to work it.

SG:

Moltar, I have a giant brain, that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer.

M:

Okay, but that's not the CD burner...

SG:

(interrupting) Moltar... Yes.

M:

(pause) Alright. (walks away)

TY:

Thank you very very much, Space Ghost, for having me on your show.

SG:

Sure, sure... wanna, wanna see how this works? (he presses a button, the projector machine fires a brief ray, then falls over, explodes and catches fire.)

TY:

(watches, slack-jawed)

SG:

Twenty. Yes.

(On the set, Moltar walks up to Space Ghost's desk, talking in a lively DJ voice, with funky background music)

M:

Oh, yeah! Welcome to the Moltar Show!

TY:

Thank you very much, Moltar.

M:

Thank you very much, Thom Yorke, for sitting next to the man! Of the century! Oh yeah!

TY:

You're very self-assured, you're very much a 90's man.

SG:

(off screen) Come on! (off screen explosion; music stops; )

(Cut to control room. Projector is still burning, flames are engulfing Space Ghost)

SG:

No! No!

(Cut back to set)

SG:

(off camera) No!

M:

That is fascinating! (music starts again) Thom Yorke, you are very very interesting, and very very perceptive!

TY:

Really..

M:

So interesting and so perceptive that I think we will now fight with knives. (a large medieval looking knife pops into his hand; the music changes to a hard rock electric guitar beat)

Zorak (Z):

(off camera) Yeah! To the death!

(The flaming projector flies by Space Ghost's desk, and crashes into Zorak's keyboard pod)

SG:

(flies onto set) That thing wasn't a CD burner to begin with. (staring at Moltar holding a knife) What are you doing?

M:

(still doing DJ voice) I'm hosting the show!

SG:

With that knife.

M:

(in normal voice) Uh... yes.

SG:

Oh really.

M:

(clears his throat; knife is now gone. He resumes his DJ voice) Well hey, Thom asked me if he could see my knife, and Thom's doing a song about a knife, and he wanted to see what one looked like. Isn't that right, Thom? (knife reappears in his hand, followed by two guitar notes).

SG:

(to Thom) Is that right?

TY:

No.

SG:

'Cause it sounds like a good idea. So do it.

TY:

(shaking his head) No. (laughs)

SG:

Then I'll do it. (sings in low voice) I'm a kni-i-i-fe. Knifin' aro-o-o-und. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut... (walks back and forth on stage, making "cut" sounds)

TY:

Do you take those, those (motions with his hand)... intelligence drugs?

SG:

(stops) I don't need intelligent drugs, Thom. Because I don't know what they are. Okay, Thom?

TY:

Yeah.

SG:

But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me. Whether it's supposed to go there or not. (sits down at his desk) Because... I'm different.

TY:

(stifles laughter)

SG:

Is that clear with everyone?

TY:

Very.

SG:

Just different.

TY:

That's because you're weird. (laughs)

Z:

(off camera) Whatch y'all doin'?

TY:

(laughs)

SG:

"Y'all"?

Z:

Yeah.

SG:

Where'd you learn to talk like that?

Z:

Hattiesburg.

SG:

What were you doing in Hattiesburg?

Z:

Kickin' it.

SG:

Oh really.

Z:

Yep.

SG:

Well, that's interesting.

Z:

It is interesting.

SG:

Thom, is that interesting?

TY:

No.

SG:

See, Zorak? We're not interested.

M:

(from control room, in his DJ voice, with funky background music) Well, I happen to think that it's very very interesting!

SG:

Moltar... it's over.

M:

(make lip buzz sound) Really?

SG:

Yeah.

M:

Okay, oh, and your wife's on the phone.

Z:

Your wife?! (laughs)

SG:

I don't have a wife.

M:

She says she's your wife.

SG:

Look, just tell this woman that she's crazy. Just because I'm famous and sexy doesn't mean that someone can just go and marry me the second I leave the room.

Z:

What room?

SG:

Look, listen everybody... (stands up) please? Listen to me. I have a hit song about a knife... and yes, I'm married. And that is why I want you to hang up right now.

(Thom is zapped off the monitor and replaced with Space Ghost's wife, played by Björk)

M:

Thank you, Moltar. (to his wife) Hey, honey, how are you?

Björk (B):

Do you like sulphur?

SG:

Sulphur? Sulphur's my favorite food, you know that. Is that why you called me?

B:

Yeah.

SG:

Oh great.

B:

Can I sing in Icelandic?

SG:

Uh, not right now, honey, please, I'm, I'm right in the middle of a, um... giant space war.

B:

I, I enjoy talking to you.

SG:

Yes, you do, but like I said, this space war, what can I do? Aliens.

B:

Yeah.

SG:

(waving) Yeah, so, you have to go now.

B:

Okay.

SG:

Okay. So, I'll talk to you when there's peace. In space.

B:

(pause) Yeah, and you like salmon or you like trout?

SG:

(pounds his desk) You know what, it doesn't matter. Because I love you so much...

B:

Yeah?

SG:

... that it's time for you to go to sleep.

B:

Okay.

SG:

Because that's what it means to love a woman so much.

B:

Okay, do you -

SG:

So, you believe what I'm telling you, right?

B:

Shall I sing to you, or sing to -

SG:

Moltar...

(Moltar switches Thom back to the monitor)

M:

You got married?

SG:

Yeah, okay? Everything gets married. Even animals and spiders. And, just because they don't have cakes and suits and wedding parties and expensive rings, doesn't mean that they're not legally, ahem... married.

M:

(beat)

SG:

C'mon, fight me.

Z:

Doesn't seem like you love her.

SG:

(stares at Zorak)

Z:

(bloonk bloonk)

SG:

Well, love is about compromises, Zorak.

TY:

That's right.

SG:

Compromising your future to the city council of Bethesda, Maryland. (beat) Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut (scissor noise in background)

TY:

(nods while Space Ghost "cuts") But...

SG:

Look, marriage is about hiding in the kudzu behind your apartment, and not going in until the lights are completely out.

M:

Your wife's on the phone again.

SG:

Uh, tell her I exploded, and tell her it was very sad, and the last thing I said was "make sure my wife moves out of my condo."

M:

She says it's an emergency.

SG:

Emergency... patch her through

(Björk replaces Thom on the monitor)

B:

I have to go to the toilet.

SG:

You remember the difference between the toilet and the sofa, right?

B:

I think so.

SG:

And remember how angry I got.

B:

It smells like.. bad eggs.

SG:

Because that's what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you'd been urinating on.

B:

Yeah'm?

SG:

Oh oh, and, as long as I've got you here, (does his power band move) tell that French DJ Tricky to move out.

B:

What's his name again?

SG:

I don't know, he's your damned friend.

B:

And I would love to introduce you to him.

SG:

I've met him. He's living on our couch, with the urine. And tell him to stop letting in strangers to listen to his new beats.

B:

It makes all the children happy.

SG:

(in low voice) Honey, those aren't children, they're packets of cream cheese.

B:

Sometimes I can't separate between the two, do you know that?

SG:

Yeah. I.. wish I'd known that when we were just dating.

B:

You have a mask, has anyone told you?

SG:

Uh, honey? I buried a present for you out in the yard.

B:

Yeah'm?

SG:

Yeah. Why don't you go dig it up?

B:

Kannski ... sleikja á þér tærnar stundum? (translation: Maybe ... lick your toes sometimes?)

SG:

Yeah... well, I'll tell him you said that.

(Thom replaces Björk on the monitor)

Z:

Hey, um... what'd you bury?

SG:

Her mother.

Z:

Cool.

SG:

No, Zorak, it's just a bagel, she started calling "mother".

TY:

(motions with mug, as in making a toast) Here's to getting hitched, Space Ghost.

SG:

(raises his mug) Yeah. Let's drink until our hearts stop.

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Thom drink from their mugs, Moltar drinks from his cup through a straw. Space Ghost drinks for a long time, leaning backward. He takes a breath, then continues drinking)

Z:

Cool... well look, I've got a friend comin' by in about five minutes, so, uh... I gotta skate.

SG:

What are y'all gonna do?

Z:

I think we're gonna smash lightbulbs out by the dumpster.

SG:

Really? I'm gonna go with you.

Z:

Well... (sighs) You can't. You're not my friend.

SG:

We have things in common. Er, your dad's still big into those trains, for instance?

Z:

No.

SG:

Well... what's he big into now?

Z:

Look, when my friend gets here, why don't you just go fly around or, hide or somethin'? I don't know, go to the kitchen.

SG:

I'm coming with you.

Z:

No you're not!

SG:

Then you're not going anywhere!

TY:

You've got a, you've got a... (makes a circular motion around his nose and mouth)

SG:

What, Thom?

TY:

(makes motion again) What's that?

SG:

(sighs)

TY:

(motions again) This thing here.

SG:

(impatiently) It's a mouth, Thom.

TY:

Well, anyway...

Z:

My friend's here, see you later!

SG:

(shouting) What did I just tell you earlier?

Z:

(quietly) He's here!

SG:

(quietly) Oh, sorry man. (ducks down behind his desk)

M:

Hey, your wife's on the phone again.

(Björk replaces Thom on the monitor)

SG:

(quietly) Are they gone?

B:

Yeah, do you get along with them?

SG:

(sits up again) What, are you kidding, they're my best friends! That's why I married you, so I wouldn't have them anymore.

B:

Yeah, thanks for inviting me.

SG:

You're welcome, I didn't. Hey honey, I really wanna go outside and smash glass with my mantis friend Zorak, okay?

B:

What's his name again?

SG:

Zorak, you know, he, he's my buddy from work?

B:

Well, maybe you should stay indoors.

SG:

Look, I need this. For me. I feel like I'm in jail here!

B:

I seem to, um, get the picture. If you know what I mean.

SG:

Well, I know what you mean. (makes power band move) What exactly do you mean?

B:

Um... enjoy, uh, refreshing time.

SG:

Enjoy refreshing what?

B:

Time.

SG:

Fine, I will. And don't count on us ever getting married again.

(Thom replaces Björk on the monitor)

M:

So, are you goin'?

SG:

No, she'd kill me.

TY:

(clears his throat, and holds up a black piece of yarn)

SG:

Whatdya got there, Thom?

TY:

It's a worm.

SG:

(whispering) Ah, god...

M:

Your wife's on the phone again.

SG:

Oh, you can just tell her that I'll be home no later than eight.

(Björk replaces Thom on the monitor, now sporting red hair and a different outfit)

SG:

Hey, honey!

B:

(laughs)

SG:

You're different!

B:

Yeah, just for a while.

SG:

Uh huh. Look, honey, craziest thing, heh heh. Another space war, if you can believe that, and it's.. out by the.. dumpster, uh...

B:

Yeah?

SG:

Hopefully this will mean peace. But there's someone here who would love to listen to your mouth.

B:

Who's that?

SG:

His name is Moltar.

M:

(growls)

SG:

Get down here, Moltar. (to Björk) He wants to ask you every little thing you know about ice.

M:

(walks toward Space Ghost's desk) No I don't.

SG:

Yes you do.

M:

No, I don't!

SG:

Yes, you do. (aims his powerband, poised to fire)

M:

(pause) Yes I do.

B:

I know quite a lot about things like that because I come from Iceland, which is a tiny place with only 280,000 people...

(Space Ghost flies off while Björk talks)

M:

(disinterested) Oh really.

(Space Ghost is by the dumpster, Zorak is sitting nearby)

SG:

Where's all the glass?

Z:

Eh... broke it all. I feel empty.

SG:

Well, here's some boxes. Let's break those down so that they'll store properly.

Z:

That's boring!

SG:

You don't know from fun. This is responsible!

Z:

I need what you have. (quietly) I need a woman.

(Sound of a cell phone ringing. Space Ghost's chest phone is blinking)

SG:

Hang, hang on.

Z:

So that I can sell her organs to Black Sabbath.

SG:

Zorak, please.

Z:

Make me some money.

SG:

(to his phone) Space Ghost's chest phone.

Z:

You hear what I said?!

B:

(over the phone) I have to say I'm a great fan of triangles.

SG:

Well, I have to say that I am a great fan of Chuck Norris, and he was in the Delta Force, and the delta was a triangle.

B:

The one that came up when I was eleven.

SG:

Yeah! You know honey, all this talk about Chuck is making me want to get married all over again.

B:

Yeah?

SG:

Because at the Beta Barn, you get 20% off for each marriage.

B:

(long pause) And what's your name again?

(Space Ghost is now standing on a hill, overlooking Budapest, Hungary. His monitor is there with Björk on it. Organ music plays)

Minister (M):

In sickness and in health, until death do you part?

B:

Yeah.

M:

And do you, Space Ghost, take this woman...

SG:

(punches monitor, it flies out of view) Oh no. (pause)

Z:

(enters from off screen and punches Space Ghost, knocking him down. Moltar is standing next to him) Oh no!

M:

(chuckles) Oh no! (reaches with his arm)

Z:

Don't.

(Ghost Planet Industries logo is shown, with a drum roll, followed by a 'plink', and the skull & crossbones logo)

© 2001 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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