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Title:Baffler Meal
Original Air Date:December 31, 2002
Guest Star:Willie Nelson

Choose a format: Regular Table Indented Condensed

(Space Ghost's set. As the camera zooms back, we see a "Master Shake" with a silly grin in front of the desk. Space Ghost invisos in.)
Zorak (Z): (off camera) Ooga booga.
(Zorak is wearing a jungle mask)
Space Ghost (SG): Zorak, take off the mask.
Z: (beat) What mask?
SG: (with emphasis) You know. What mask. I'm talking about.
Z: (beat) No I don't.
SG: Yes you do, you're wearing it right now!
Z: (beat) No I'm not. (Jumps out his keyboard pod)
SG: (shouting) Come back here, you godforsaken mantis! (runs after Zorak)
Z: (evil laughter)
(Master Shake shuffles forward, no longer grinning)
SG: (off camera) You DO have a mask!
Master Shake (MS): Shake power activate!
SG: (holding Zorak) Alright! Um... Mister Shake is here...
MS: MASTER Shake. Master is my name, and thirst is what I tame.
Z: What is that, and what's it doing here?
(music swells in background)
MS: I am dethirstifying the perimeter!
SG: Uh, yeah, Zorak, obviously.
MS: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, assemble.
(Frylock descends from ceiling above the bandstand)
Frylock (F): Frylock, the hunger hater 'tater.
(Meatwad descends from ceiling in control room, next to Moltar)
Meatwad (M): Meatwad, ball of compressed meat. The bun is in your mind.
MS: And together we are.. (in unison)
All (A): Aqua Teen Hunger Force!
M: The bun is in your mind.
MS: Meatwad, stand down!
M: But it is, it's in your mind.
(Zorak is no longer wearing the mask)
Z: What's with the stupid food puppets?
SG: Zorak, they're a delicious meal, from Burger Trench.
Moltar (M): Burger Trench? I found a bone in my shake there.
SG: Mmm mmm!
M: No, man. It was human.
SG: Oh...
Z: And my dipping sauce had ticks in it.
MS: The mantis mocks our mission! (Leaps onto Space Ghost's desk) We battle hunger with nutritious salt and oil-based weapons.
SG: Yeah, Zorak, that's what they do.
MS: And that's what you do from now on.
SG: Uh... sure, man, whatever.
MS: Not "whatever", forever!
SG: Just.. get down from my desk, would ya?
MS: Frylock, cast your potato magic, I sense hungry teens!
F: (shouts) I can use the amulet of Ayahockalise!
(Zorak is standing on an amulet)
F: (to Zorak) Could you get off that amulet please, I sense, I need to sense hungry teens with it.
Z: I'm butterin' it.
F: With your, with your foot on it, it's really messin' me up.
Z: With foot sweat.
F: (shouts) I can't get to it, please get off of it!
SG: Zorak, get off the man's.. thing.
MS: Frylock, unsheath your edible blade (pronounces it "blahde").
F: (pulls out a blade, which looks like a french fry) Stand aside, insect, or I shall strike you down, with my battered wedge forged in corn oil.
Z: Gimme that! (grabs Frylock's "blade" and eats it)
F: (shouts) Master Shake, he ate the fry sword!
MS: Then we have ourselves a tasty little problem then, don't we? (Jumps down from the desk) Don't we!
SG: Okay Zorak, we're all a team now.
MS: An Aqua Team.
SG: And there's no "I" in team.
Z: But there is an "A". In team.
SG: (Beat) Right, which means, probably, partially whatever you do should.. be okay.
MS: No, never! Your mantis is violating the contract.
M: Alright, I'm lost. What contract? What are we talkin' about?
MS: Enjoying your houseboat? Mmm?
SG: (quietly) Uh, would you mind not just bringing that up right now?
MS: (loudly) No! Let's talk about it! Loudly.
M: So THAT'S how you got that houseboat! (Cut to shot of exterior of Ghost Planet Industries building; a houseboat is floating outside)
Z: You sold us out for promotional considerations!
M: And a houseboat!
SG: I didn't sell you out for a hou-
M: (in Space Ghost's mind) The bun is in your mind!
SG: (beat) I also received two cool speakers.
Z: (wide-eyed) Are they surround sound?
SG: Well...
MS: "It." Is "it" surround sound. And no, "it" is not.
SG: Whoa. Hold on a second. There's only one?
MS: You will receive the second speaker upon the elimination of all hunger.
Z: You sold us out!
M: For a crummy houseboat.
SG: And one serious speaker! Look, guys, we're still doin' the show. We're just takin' it in a new direction, that's all.
MS: Yes, a delicious direction!
F: At least directly to Burger Trench.
MS: Now with three convenient locations.
(Space Ghost invisos to his desk)
MS: That was good. *I* want to turn invisible, and I want jets.
SG: Look, let's just get the guest out here, okay?
MS: (moving between SG and the camera) Yes! Bring forth the guest.
(In the control room)
M: What do you do? You, you fight hunger, or, is hunger your villain, or...
M: Master Shake is the almighty frozen drink.
M: Yeah, forget about that guy for a second.
MS: (shuffles into control room) What is going on in here? We fight hunger and that is all you need to know, lever man. To us, you are very small. We are huge, lever man.
SG: Lever man, don't mess this up for me.
M: Mess what up?
MS: Oh! Someone doesn't know about the...
SG: No, Master Shake...
MS: ... limited edition collector's cup deal.
SG: Oh, no, no! Hey, Master Shake, we...
MS: Collect all four! From the entire Space Ghost gang. Space Ghost, Zorak, Brak and ...
M: (waits expectantly)
MS: ... the NASCAR driver Rusty Wallace.
M: (shouts) Where's my cup!!
SG: Moltar, uh... how can I put this? (sighs) You scare children.
M: I'm the only one that wears a cup.
SG: True... but you wear it in a bad place. And, you never rinse it properly.
M: How would you know?
SG: Because I drank from it. And believe me, it smells, buster.
MS: The Moltar cup didn't test well. It's yucky. Children didn't want to put their lips to it.
SG: Yeah. So send Willie out here.
MS: Do it, lever man. You know I'm the master. (shuffles out of the control room).
(At the bandstand, Frylock is missing an eye)
F: (screams) Master, he took my eye!
SG: Why would you do that, Zorak? (piano music begins in background) Just because he doesn't look like you?
Z: Yeah, that's a reason.
SG: Well, just because someone's different, doesn't give you the right to remove their face with your mouth. Your filthy, green mouth that is so odd and jagged. Y'know, sometimes I wonder...
Colonial Man (CM): (in Space Ghost's mind) Between two steamed buns!
SG: Wait a minute. (blood runs from his nose under his mask)
(The voice laughs; Willie Nelson is on the monitor, and momentarily morphs into Colonial Man, who is laughing, then morphs back to Willie)
SG: (blasts Zorak with his power bands) (chuckles) Been a while since you had one of those, hasn't it? Hee hee hee..
Willie Nelson (WN): Hello.
SG: Up the chain, Willie.
MS: (moves between Space Ghost and the camera) Greetings, alien. I am Master Shake.
WN: Where d'you get them clothes? (sips from his mug)
MS: This is a cup, which contains my chocolate inner being.
SG: (peeks from behind Shake) Hey. Hey! I'm doing the interview here.
WN: (laughs)
SG: Willie, this is a cup, which contains my chocolate inner being.
WN: Hey, there you go, who do you fight?
MS: (on Space Ghost's desk) Go ahead, Ghost, tell him what you fight.
SG: Um... I, fight hunger, Willie.
MS: Louder! Be proud of what we make you do!
WN: (laughs) Crime down these days?
MS: (shuffles toward camera) It's a crime not to pick up a Master Shake! Now in artificial flavors somewhat similar to strawberry. We have a commercial which depicts this crime, perhaps you've seen it. But I'll describe it for you.
(In the control room, Meatwad talks to Moltar, while Shake continues to talk on the set.)
M: See, I'm the pieces of meat that weren't good enough to make the hamburger.
M: Well, how do people even hold you?
M: Well, you know, the bun? See, that's in your mind. So they gotta use bare hands.
M: God!
M: Yeah, they're gonna rip out my eyes and thread an easy-grip handle through the holes. Please, God, kill me.
(Back on the set, Master Shake continues his story.)
MS: Then they go to a Burger Trench and order one of my shakes, because they cannot fight the hunger inside. It imprisons them. You can tell that they are burglars because they wear masks over their eyes and they have striped suites. Then we show them being arrested. The ad is long...
SG: Willie...
MS: ... and it is in surround sound.
WN: What planet are you from?
MS: The planet of flavor.
SG: Willie! Hey, Willie!
WN: Hey, how ya doin', Tex?
SG: I'm the host of the show. Not the cup.
MS: Over here! Look at me! Initiate hunger imagery!
(We are treated to hunger imagery, consisting of video clips of a rotating burger on a background of fries, a scary guy, more fries, subliminal text saying "EAT", a bat chasing a burger, and a bearded guy eating a hot dog smothered in catsup)
(Moltar throws the lever, the imagery continues in the background while Space Ghost speaks)
SG: Look, when we first talked, we said that you would be running through occasionally with your food friends.
MS: That is correct, because we are action heroes, and running is action. (runs to center screen) Mommas, let your babies grow up to drink Master Shakes. Willie, get on the road again, for a kid's Baffler Meal.
SG: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! This is outside the scope of what we talked about.
(In the control room)
MS: (On Moltar's monitor) I am always on your mind.
M: The bun is IN your mind.
MS: Oh, sweet delight! Meatwad has spoken again. Yes, keep chanting that ad line, Meatwad. How about this one: Reward yourself by eating a wad of decayed meat with an oasis of greasy honey mustard filling -
SG: Will you just shut up for three seconds!
(Master Shake shuts up, and the background hunger imagery and rock music stop)
MS: (after silence of approximately three seconds) Yes, silence is golden.
F: Like my delicious golden fries!
MS: They come with a kid's Baffler Meal. Baffle yourself with flavor.
SG: Okay, we heard you!
MS: (Beat) They haven't heard what the box is -
SG: What? What is it? What is the box? Please, tell us what it is, because you're gonna do it anyway, tell us all about the box, please.
MS: (looking down) It's a maze and coloring book.
SG: Well, thank God!
MS: (shuffling off stage) I guess we know who doesn't want a house boat.
SG: I- I- I.. well, come on, I didn't mean that.
MS: Oh, you sure yelled it loud enough.
SG: (contrite) Please don't take away Proud Larry.
MS: (shuffles back on stage) Then pronounce your love for me.
SG: Y'know, this, this wasn't part of the deal.
MS: Bow down, and I will dominate you. That's the deal.
SG: Now hold on, Master Shake.
MS: Is it clear who's in charge in here?
F: Hail, Master Shake! Warrior of the Night!
SG: (in overacting voice) You need to chill out, and shut your lid, cup! Or else it'll be time to shake it up! (Beat) And the drinks are on me. (Beat) 'Cause I'm... tired of milkin' this shake. (Beat) And there's no... free refills this time.
Z: (nods)
SG: Excuse me, ma'am, but the machine seems to be out of ice, and... I just purchased this. (Aims his power bands at Master Shake)
MS: (looks down, silently)
SG: Let me... let me rework this. (flys off, then returns) (Long pause) (He pushes Master Shake over, whose lid pops off, and chocolate shake spills onto the floor)
MS: You have stopped the flavor!
SG: Yes, I did! Because I don't even have a boating license! I suppose I could get one. (looks toward Frylock) But still!
F: Look, just chill out. Don't shoot. Don't shoot, please. Really, I'm just a ...
SG: Time to have some refried fries, fry man! (aims his power bands)
F: ... this is a rented suit! (gets blasted by Space Ghost, and disappears in a cloud of smoke)
M: (looking like Meatwad) The bun is in your mind.
SG: Meatwad! Meat dead? Make dead meat more like it! (aims his power bands)
M: (talking fast) No wait, don't shoot, don't shoot, it's me, Moltar! (laughs)
SG: (lowers his power bands)
M: No, see, uh, he was beggin' to die, so I mangled him, ate him, and put on his skin as a joke. (laughs nervously). Eh?
SG: And you're wondering why you didn't get the cup with your little face on it.
MS: (wails, closes his eyes). I'm dead.
Z: I guess that's the end of your little-
MS: (opens his eyes) Oh wait. Before I ascend into heaven free of all sin, I have a few other thoughts I'd like to share.
SG: (pounds his fist on his desk)
MS: Since I will no longer be working in television, which will sadden advertisers, and prevent me from appearing with Guns N' Roses, at Phillips First Union Center in January, Yep, because I'll be dead. (Beat) I think I said that earlier. So, to summarize... classic rock will be forever changed.
SG: Oh no.
MS: And I'm making a movie with Axl Rose. It starts off in the desert...
SG: Quickly, to the house boat! (flies off)
MS: ... where we are both hungry, and scorpions roam the earth.
(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are in the house boat, which is moving forward with a putt-putting sound)
SG: Everybody buckled in? (Beat) To the club! (flies off)
(At a dance club, Space Ghost is met by a guy at the door wearing a "SECURITY" t-shirt)
SG: Four dollars? For what?
(Colonial Man and his band are on stage; the band plays a riff after each line that Colonial Man sings, while the credits roll)
CM: (sings) Hey baby, say the way you quake, gonna break it down for Master Shake.
You got a thirst you wanna quench, come on down to Burger Trench!
Eat yourself a big meatwad with honey mustard dipping sauce!
You want an affordable place to dine, feed your kids for three ninety nine!

SG: What have I done to the future of classic rock!
CM: (sings) Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby... Now we're gonna break it down!
SG: (over "Ghost Planet Industries" logo) Noooooo!!!!
(Back at the studio, Master Shake still lies on the floor, blinking while he speaks)
MS: Hello, God? Are you there? Is this heaven? Or am I in television?

Written by
Matt Maiellaro
Dave Willis
Todd Hanson
Jay Edwards
Guest Star
Willie Nelson
George Lowe
C. Martin Croker
Dave Willis
Matt Maiellaro
ATHF Cel Animation
C. Martin Croker
Compositing & Special Effects
Scott Fry
Craig Martin
Crichton Bentley
Sound Design
Roy Clements
Dan Schaefer
Line Producer
Vishal Roney
Production Assistants
John Brestan
mc chris
Special Thanks
Southfork Restaurant
Smith's Olde Bar
Hunger Imagery by
John Brestan
Colonial Man Band
Dave Willis
Matt Maiellaro
Jay Edwards
Hunter McRea
Colonial Doorman
Barry Mills
Produced by
Dave Willis
Matt Maiellaro
Jay Edwards
Executive Producers
Mike Lazzo
Keith Crofford

© 2002 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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